Sermon Tone Analysis
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DEFUSING ANGER IN YOUR MARRIAGE
The Secrets of a Satisfying Marriage - Part 8 of 12
Proverbs 11:29
Bobby Earls, First Baptist Church of Icard, November 1, 1998
We're in a series on the "Secrets of a Satisfying Marriage".
Paul Harvey recently reported that
there are two small towns in Illinois.
One called Normal, Illinois and the other Oblong, Illinois.
There was a marriage recently and the headlines read, "Normal Man Marries Oblong Woman".
I recently read this in Dear Abby: "I'm 44 years old and would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.
Rose."
Abby responded, "Dear Rose, So would I".
This month’s Reader’s Digest carries a funny story.
Little girl “Does the man turn into a beast?”
Without looking up the attendant responded, “They always do honey.
They always do.”
We're looking this morning at Defusing Anger in Your Marriage.
Conflict is inevitable, but combat is not.
Every disagreement you have in your marriage will have either a breakdown or a breakthrough -- a breakdown in the relationship or a breakthrough into a new level of intimacy.
The key to a breakthrough is how you handle your anger.
The Bible says that misdirected anger can destroy marriages.
Proverbs 11:29 "The fool who provokes his family to anger and resentment will finally have nothing left."
When you have an argument there are really three phases.
Phase one is the Recognition Phase -- "We've got a problem".
Usually you're irritated.
Phase two is Reaction -- "I'm ticked off!
I'm irritated."
That phase usually gets a little loud.
Phase three is Resolution -- You stay through the Reaction period, you keep on working and get to Resolution -- "What are we going to do about it?"
Most marriages never get past Stage Two.
They get stuck in the Reaction Phase.
They don't know how to deal with their anger.
Typically there are two reactions two anger -- being aggressive or being passive.
In most marriages there is a skunk and a turtle.
You always know when the skunk is angry -- they stink the place up.
When the turtle is angry, they withdraw into a shell.
Typically in a marriage, one is silent and one is violent.
One blows up and the other clams up.
The thing is, neither reaction to anger is appropriate.
You need to learn how to express anger appropriately.
If you don't, you go around in circles and nothing gets resolved.
If you'll apply these four truths that the Bible says to do, you'll learn how to express your anger appropriately.
1. Admit my anger.
2. Understand my anger.
3. Deal immediately with my anger.
4. Control my anger.
Anger is a legitimate emotion.
You just have to control it, the Bible says.
1. ADMIT MY ANGER
Ephesians 4:25-26 "Stop lying to each other; tell the truth . . .
when we lie to each other we are hurting ourselves.
If you are angry, don't sin by nursing your grudge."
If you are angry don't sin by nursing your grudge.
There is a right way and a wrong way to express anger.
The Bible says when I'm angry and I deny it I'm sinning.
When you get angry -- if you get angry -- don't deny it, don't lie to your mate.
Be honest.
Tell the truth.
The Bible says it's wrong to deny your anger.
It's lying.
Anger is a God-given emotion.
If you never get upset over anything you're not in touch with reality.
Anger just means you care deeply about some things.
Sometimes the most appropriate thing in your marriage is to get angry.
Even God gets angry -- 375 times in the Old Testament it says God got angry.
We all know Jesus got angry.
The number one cause of depression is anger that is pushed down.
When I swallow my anger, my stomach keeps score.
Many say, "I'm sodepressed!"
Have you ever thought that maybe you may be angry and you just don't want to admit it?
We don't like to admit it when we're angry.
The Bible says if you're going to resolve your anger you first have to admit your anger.
Don't lie.
Don't pretend it's not there.
Say, "I am upset in this relationship."
Once you admit it then you can resolve it.
2. UNDERSTAND MY ANGER
This is the key.
Proverbs 19:11, "A man's wisdom gives him patience."
The more I understand my anger, the more patient I'm going to be.
We need to ask ourselves, "Why am I angry?
Why am I ticked off?
What is upsetting me so much?"
Anger is a warning light that I'm dealing with a different issue than what is on the surface.
We get irritated by surface issues but we get angry by life issues.
Have you noticed that most arguments don't start with the real problem?
They start with a surface irritation.
You only get to the real problem if you hang in there, keep talking until you both get in touch with why you are angry, why you feel the way you do.
A few root causes of anger:
1) When I feel unaccepted.
When you reject what or who I am, when you compare me to other people, when you nag me, when you make fun of me I get angry.
2) When I feel unappreciated.
When you take me for granted, don't value my work, don't value my effort at home or at work, when everything else in the whole world seems more important than me I get angry.
Husbands, that's one of the main reasons your wife gets upset.
She feels that everything else is more important than her.
3) When I feel unsupported.
When you work against me instead of with me, when you don't share the load, when you're not feeling responsible, when I feel unprotected I get angry.
4) When I feel uncertain.
When I don't know I can trust you.
When you don't tell me the truth.
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