Defusing Anger in Your Marriage
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DEFUSING ANGER IN YOUR MARRIAGE
The Secrets of a Satisfying Marriage - Part 8 of 12
Proverbs 11:29
Bobby Earls, First Baptist Church of Icard, November 1, 1998
We're in a series on the "Secrets of a Satisfying Marriage". Paul Harvey recently reported that
there are two small towns in Illinois. One called Normal, Illinois and the other Oblong, Illinois.
There was a marriage recently and the headlines read, "Normal Man Marries Oblong Woman".
I recently read this in Dear Abby: "I'm 44 years old and would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. Rose." Abby responded, "Dear Rose, So would I".
This month’s Reader’s Digest carries a funny story. Little girl “Does the man turn into a beast?” Without looking up the attendant responded, “They always do honey. They always do.”
We're looking this morning at Defusing Anger in Your Marriage. Conflict is inevitable, but combat is not. Every disagreement you have in your marriage will have either a breakdown or a breakthrough -- a breakdown in the relationship or a breakthrough into a new level of intimacy. The key to a breakthrough is how you handle your anger. The Bible says that misdirected anger can destroy marriages. Proverbs 11:29 "The fool who provokes his family to anger and resentment will finally have nothing left."
When you have an argument there are really three phases.
Phase one is the Recognition Phase -- "We've got a problem". Usually you're irritated.
Phase two is Reaction -- "I'm ticked off! I'm irritated." That phase usually gets a little loud.
Phase three is Resolution -- You stay through the Reaction period, you keep on working and get to Resolution -- "What are we going to do about it?"
Most marriages never get past Stage Two. They get stuck in the Reaction Phase. They don't know how to deal with their anger. Typically there are two reactions two anger -- being aggressive or being passive. In most marriages there is a skunk and a turtle. You always know when the skunk is angry -- they stink the place up. When the turtle is angry, they withdraw into a shell. Typically in a marriage, one is silent and one is violent. One blows up and the other clams up. The thing is, neither reaction to anger is appropriate. You need to learn how to express anger appropriately. If you don't, you go around in circles and nothing gets resolved.
If you'll apply these four truths that the Bible says to do, you'll learn how to express your anger appropriately.
1. Admit my anger.
2. Understand my anger.
3. Deal immediately with my anger.
4. Control my anger.
Anger is a legitimate emotion. You just have to control it, the Bible says.
1. ADMIT MY ANGER
Ephesians 4:25-26 "Stop lying to each other; tell the truth . . . when we lie to each other we are hurting ourselves. If you are angry, don't sin by nursing your grudge." If you are angry don't sin by nursing your grudge. There is a right way and a wrong way to express anger. The Bible says when I'm angry and I deny it I'm sinning. When you get angry -- if you get angry -- don't deny it, don't lie to your mate. Be honest. Tell the truth. The Bible says it's wrong to deny your anger. It's lying.
Anger is a God-given emotion. If you never get upset over anything you're not in touch with reality. Anger just means you care deeply about some things. Sometimes the most appropriate thing in your marriage is to get angry. Even God gets angry -- 375 times in the Old Testament it says God got angry. We all know Jesus got angry. The number one cause of depression is anger that is pushed down. When I swallow my anger, my stomach keeps score. Many say, "I'm sodepressed!" Have you ever thought that maybe you may be angry and you just don't want to admit it? We don't like to admit it when we're angry.
The Bible says if you're going to resolve your anger you first have to admit your anger. Don't lie. Don't pretend it's not there. Say, "I am upset in this relationship." Once you admit it then you can resolve it.
2. UNDERSTAND MY ANGER
This is the key. Proverbs 19:11, "A man's wisdom gives him patience." The more I understand my anger, the more patient I'm going to be. We need to ask ourselves, "Why am I angry? Why am I ticked off? What is upsetting me so much?" Anger is a warning light that I'm dealing with a different issue than what is on the surface. We get irritated by surface issues but we get angry by life issues. Have you noticed that most arguments don't start with the real problem? They start with a surface irritation. You only get to the real problem if you hang in there, keep talking until you both get in touch with why you are angry, why you feel the way you do.
A few root causes of anger:
1) When I feel unaccepted. When you reject what or who I am, when you compare me to other people, when you nag me, when you make fun of me I get angry.
2) When I feel unappreciated. When you take me for granted, don't value my work, don't value my effort at home or at work, when everything else in the whole world seems more important than me I get angry. Husbands, that's one of the main reasons your wife gets upset. She feels that everything else is more important than her.
3) When I feel unsupported. When you work against me instead of with me, when you don't share the load, when you're not feeling responsible, when I feel unprotected I get angry.
4) When I feel uncertain. When I don't know I can trust you. When you don't tell me the truth. When I'm not certain what you're saying is right I get angry.
The key to dealing with your anger is to understand it. The bottom line in 90% of all anger -- the root issues -- is the either hurt or fear. When you say, "I'm angry!", what you really ought to be saying is "I'm hurt! I'm disappointed! I'm afraid" When you begin to focus on hurt and fear you're going to get to the real issue instead of dealing with the anger.
When you say to your mate, "I'm so mad at you! You make me angry!" that's a "you" statement and all it does is make people defensive. But when you say, "I'm hurt!" or "I'm afraid!" they are much more willing to listen. You need to understand why am I angry. Stay at the table until you get to the real issue. What are you feeling? And then deal with that. The sooner you learn to say, "I was hurt by that. I felt unloved (or unappreciated or unaccepted)" the sooner you can say this, the quicker you can get to resolution. Now you're dealing with the real issue.
3. DEAL IMMEDIATELY WITH MY ANGER
I shouldn't procrastinate. The Bible teaches that when you get angry you don't procrastinate, don't put it off, don't prolong it, don't hide your head in the sand, don't delay it. You deal with your anger immediately. Ephesians 4:26-27 "Never let the sun set on your anger else you'll give the devil a foothold." Don't end the day, don't go to bed. Resolve each day's anger by the end of that day. This is a great literal rule you ought to apply in your marriage. Neither of us gets to go to bed until we've resolved our anger. You may have to stay up all night. Deal with it now and not put it on the shelve.
Why? Job 18:4 "You are only hurting yourself with your anger." Circle "hurting yourself". The longer you wait to share a feeling the more that feeling builds up. When you're angry and you don't share it immediately, it keeps building and building. You think about it, worry about it, meditate on it. It gets bigger and bigger until it expands all out of proportion. The more you hold it in the more it builds up.
Any doctor or psychologist can tell you that anger is energy. It's got to be expressed. When I swallow my anger, my stomach keeps score. If I don't talk it out, I'm going to take it out on myself. The Bible says you've got to deal with it quickly.
Why? Anger produces biochemical changes in your body. That's a well known fact. People get flushed, their neck gets tight, their muscles get tensed. Your adrenals go into overdrive. Have you ever heard anybody say, "That just burns me up!" They're right. "He's a pain in the ... back." Maybe that's your back problem -- unresolved anger.
The issue is deal with it. There is only one letter difference between danger and anger. And anger is a very dangerous emotion if not handled properly. It's like nitroglycerin. It's dangerous to you physically, emotionally, relationally; it's dangerous to you spiritually. You've got to deal with it immediately so it doesn't build up and hurt you. If you hold on to hurt it just becomes resentment.
Unresolved conflict just keeps growing. Push it under the table under the carpet and you may think it's dead but it will rise again. And like some of those horror movies when the monster comes back to life, it's more powerful than before. They've got twice as much atomic energy. It's going to come back to haunt you. Deal with it now. The best time to deal with it is as quickly as possible. Unexpressed anger becomes bitterness and that is always wrong. Anger is not always wrong, but resentment and bitterness are always wrong. That's why the scripture says, "If you are angry, don't sin..." [That means there's a way to be angry and sin and a way to be angry and not sin.] "... by nursing a grudge." If you hold onto it, it becomes resentment.
4. CONTROL YOUR ANGER
Proverbs 29:11 "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control." How do you do that? How do you keep yourself under control? You learn to communicate your feelings without attacking your mate. You fix the problem, you don't fix the blame. Attack the issue, not the person. You communicate without attacking.
Example: A husband is repeatedly late for supper. He seems totally indifferent about punctuality and permits any little thing to delay him. When he arrives late for the fourth day in a row, the wife says in an accusing tone, "You're late again! Look at this supper! It's cold! I've went to all this hard work and you've spoiled it." A "you" statement. That's what is called an attack. How do you think the guy is going to respond to that? "You're absolutely right. I'm a jerk"? It is human nature when you attack, the other person defends. It is human nature. When you attack you're not going to get the response you want you're only going to get defensiveness. This guy is going to defend himself. He's going to attack the wife back and say, "You just don't understand. And you put too much emphasis on the dinner anyway." Now you've got a head to head combat.
What could she do as an alternative? First she chooses the right time -- you don't just load it on him at the wrong time. Then she could say, "When I prepare a nice supper and it's left cold I feel unappreciated." This is an "I" statement. "I'm not saying it's your problem, I'm saying I feel that way. I know you must have good reasons for being late. But I feel that my effort is unimportant to you." There's no accusation in this. It's a statement of feeling, of anger.
What if he just brushes it aside, "You shouldn't feel that way." Then she might say, "I tried to tell you that your being late makes me feel unappreciated and unimportant and then when my feelings about that are brushed aside as unimportant that makes me feel even more unimportant." At that point he's got no excuse. He's either got to change his behavior or be a jerk.
She did this without attacking. He can't be defensive when she says "this is how I feel". Feelings are valid. It doesn't matter if you think they're right or wrong; if somebody feels it that's the way they feel. "You shouldn't feel that way!" makes no sense at all because feelings are neutral -- neither right or wrong. They are feelings. If you love a person you care about their feelings, whether they're logical or not.
How do you learn to control your anger? The Bible gives some very practical suggestions.
James 1:19 "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." Here's the process: First you be quick to listen. Listen to the other one. Then you be slow to speak. If you do the first two, number three is automatic. If you are quick to listen and slow to speak, you will be slow to anger. He's saying stop and think before you talk. Get your mind in gear before you get your mouth in gear. The quickest way to cut your own throat is by your own sharp tongue -- saying things that you just shouldn't have said because you blurted them out.
Proverbs 15:1 "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Circle "gentle". What does it mean to share gentle words?
I think it means be brief. If you harangue for twenty minutes without coming up for air, that's not gentle words, even if you're smiling while you say it. You need to learn how to state your case and let the other person talk without having to go on and on and on. Be gentle.
Be specific. Don't tell them "I wish you'd be neater." What does that mean? We have different standards of neatness. You might say, "Would you mind not leaving your dirty socks on the living room floor? and your underwear on the door handle?" That's very specific.
Be humble. Proverbs 13:10 "Only by pride comes contention." Count on it! Conflict involves ego -- my ego, your ego. When our egos hit then we have conflict. Humility is the exact opposite of pride. Be gentle.
Ephesians 4:29 "Do not use harmful words in talking. Use only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed . . . " When you are in a conflict situation, you need to establish ground rules. You need to say that there are certain verbal phrases that are off limits, no matter how upset and angry you are.
Seven rules you ought to have that you say, "We're not going to do these things when we argue" because the Bible says, "Don't use harmful words in talking. Use only helpful words." Seven rules for a fair fight and they all start with C's -- "The Battle of the Seven C's"
1) Never compare. When you are in the middle of a conflict never say, "Why can't you be like...?" or even worse, "You're just like..." Low blow. It's unfair to compare. Yes, we do have characteristics of our brothers and sisters and fathers and mothers in us, but all of us are unique. Every person is unique. It's unfair and wrong to compare yourself or others.
2) Never condemn. Don't use absolutes. "You always..." "You never..." "You should (ought)..." "It's all your fault!" Condemning does not work. Jesus says, "I didn't come to condemn the world but to save it." You don't change people by labeling or condemning. We're changed by seeing what we can become, not by telling us what we are. Don't tell it like it is; tell it like it could be.
3) Never command. Don't try to end an argument by force. Don't say, "I demand you do what I say!"
3) Never challenge. You don't threaten people. "You just try that and see what happens!" It's kind of like, "I dare you!" You throw down the gauntlet. Remember when you were a little kid and your parents would say, "I don't want to hear a peep out of you!" and you wanted to go, "Peep!" -- I've just got to do it to see what happens. It's like, Don't touch wet paint, Don't step across this line. That's the old sin nature in us. Don't tell me what I can't do because I'll prove you wrong even if it is going to kill me.
5) Never condescend. Don't belittle your mate, don't ridicule. Especially don't ridicule their feelings. You may not feel that way, but who said you're mentally stable! We set ourselves up as a standard as if we're Mr. or Mrs. Perfect. Never play psychologist. "I know why you said that!"
6) Never contradict. Don't interrupt in the middle of a sentence. Wait your turn to talk. Have you ever tried to have a conversation with a pouncer? They pounce on every word you say.
7) Never confuse. Some of you are brilliant at confusing. You know how to bring up unrelated issues. When you are loosing a particular point and you know it, you quickly switch tracks to someplace from left field. So your mate starts arguing over in that area. Then when you realize you're loosing that point, you switch again. You're trying to fight on 15 different fronts and try to juggle on the balls. Stick with the issue. No divisionary tactics. It's very important you keep thinking, "What's the issue here?" What are you really dealing with? Every argument strays whether you want it to or not. Because we find ourselves reacting to our reactions to our reactions... So you have to keep getting back to the issue. Refocus and don't confuse.
These things I think will help you to follow this verse that says "Do not use harmful words in talking." No marriage is perfect, but these simple four steps will help if you'll work them.
Even the healthiest marriages have disagreements. You can disagree without being disagreeable. You can argue without assassinating! And conflict is the key to intimacy. The road to intimacy goes through the tunnel of conflict. If there is no conflict it means you're not dealing with some issues. It's inevitable. You and your mate are very different. When you stay at the table to get to the Resolution Phase, you come out on the other end with new depth, new intimacy.
If you've never given your anger to Jesus, please do that today. Give your life to Jesus Christ. Say, "Jesus Christ, come into my life. Replace the anger with Your love. Replace the bitterness with Your joy. Replace the anxiety with Your peace." God made you to live in a relationship with Him. He wants you to love Him. He wants to love you. He does love you. And He knows everything about you.
Just talk to God. It doesn't matter what you say. It's your attitude that says, "Yes, Lord. I want You to be the manager of my life."
Prayer:
DEFUSING ANGER IN YOUR MARRIAGE, Sermon Notes
The Secrets of a Satisfying Marriage - Part 8 of 12
Bobby Earls, First Baptist Icard, November 1, 1998
Prov. 11:29 (LB) "The fool who provokes his family to anger and resentment will finally have nothing left."
The Anatomy of an Argument
* Phase 1: Recognition - "We have a problem"
* Phase 2: Reaction - "I'm upset about it!"
* Phase 3: Resolution - "What can we do about it?"
HOW TO EXPRESS ANGER APPROPRIATELY
1. ________________________________________ my anger
"Stop lying to each other; tell the truth . . . when we lie to each other we are hurting ourselves. If you are angry, don't sin by nursing your grudge." Eph. 4:25-26 (LB)
2. ________________________________________ my anger
"A man's wisdom gives him patience . . . "
Proverbs 19:11
Why am I angry?
3. _____________________________________ with my anger
"Never let the sun set on your anger or else you will give the devil a foothold." Eph. 4:26-27 (JB)
"You are only hurting yourself with your anger . . ." Job 18:4 (GN)
4. ____________________________________________ my anger
"A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control." Prov. 29:11 (LB)
"Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." James 1:19
"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1
"Do not use harmful words in talking. Use only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed . . . " Eph. 4:29