(066) Pillars of Community XII: Getting Rid of Gossip
The Pillars of Community XII: Getting Rid of Gossip
James 3:2-12
March 22, 2009
Prep:
· Methodist pledge (leftovers)
· Notes & Scriptures
Intro
A tongue only weighs about 3 ounces, yet has the power to do more damage than any other part of the body. I don’t think that is an exaggeration.
· Think back to times when you have been hurt by others’ words, or when you have hurt others.
As we continue looking at building community at The Gathering, it is vital that we look at the damage that the tongue, specifically gossip and slander, can do within the community.
· The tongue can start great fires, and the last thing we want is to spend our energy putting out fires rather than growing!
Today we will begin by looking at what gossip is, why it is such a big deal, and how we can stop in our community.
Prayer
Help us carefully consider our own habits of speech, not think about how our neighbor or spouse needs this, but how we do.
It’s kinda a big deal
Gossip is one of those sins we really undervalue. We live on this stuff. How much more boring would the grocery check-out line be without People and National Enquirer?
Even though these mags. do some damage (remember the paparazzi “killing” Princes Di?), these gossip magazines cause far less damage in our individual lives that personal gossip and slander.
But really, how big of a deal is it? Even as I wrote this, I struggled to appreciate just how big. I mean it’s not like murder or anything. But notice Paul’s “most wanted” list:
Romans 1:29-31 29 They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, 30 slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; 31 they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless.
As I have said, sin is that which God tells us to avoid because it hurts us, our relationship with God and others. But when we don’t understand how a sin is destructive, it’s best to trust God that it is, and then perhaps we can look and see why.
Ä First, let’s look at what gossip and slander are and are not.
is it gossip?
One good definition is that gossip is condemnation for the sake of entertainment, which is pretty good way of looking at it, having fun judging others, but isn’t as complete as I’d like.
Here is a good working definition:
“Gossip is sharing negative information about a person or group, which may or may not be true, to a person who doesn’t need to be involved and without godly motivation.”
· Slander is similar to gossip, I’ll cover the difference later.
Person or group
Notice gossip can be directed against a person or group. It’s obviously about individuals, but Christians are notorious for slandering other churches, to the detriment of the Gospel.
John 13:35 “By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
· Missions in China was significantly hampered because of feud between the Jesuits and Franciscans
I want us as a church to be diligent about speaking well of other churches and believers unless there is a very pressing reason to do otherwise.
· I frequently commend other churches to folks if I think they would be better served there, even if I don’t fully agree.
I charge you to speak well of your brothers and sisters in Christ – no superiority or dissention coming from this church!
Ä Let’s unpack that definition, and in doing so, we will have a four-part test to discover if we are gossiping.
Negative information
The first test for gossip is if it is negative information. If something being said is negative, there is a high chance that it is gossip or slander.
This test is a more complicated than if the words themselves are negative, it also has to do with what is meant and implied. Are the words meant to demonstrate honor and respect?
· E. G.: “Church X is really good at entertaining people.”
Q How do you know: Would you say it the exact same way in front of the person?
Ä If it’s negative, it’s probably gossip, three more test.
Is it true?
Second, is it true? We are responsible for the veracity for anything we pass on. If we repeat it, we’re responsible for it.
· We can even be legally liable if we share negative information with “disregard for its truthfulness.”
Matthew 12:36 But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken.
If we can’t verify something, it cannot go any further, unless it is so serious we cannot take the risk, in which case we have to be clear about our doubts.
Need to know basis
Next, does the person you are talking to need to be involved? Two managers talking about an employee’s lousy work prior to a pay review are not gossiping.
· The majority of gossip that I see and participate in has to with involving people who do not need to be involved.
Negative information needs to be treated on a strict “need-to-know” basis. Think back to some negative information that you have passed on – did they genuinely need to know?
· “Praying” for someone is not “need to know”!
BTW: What if you genuinely want to pray for someone? Then get their permission or pray by yourself; God will still hear you!
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
Q Are they directly involved?
Q Are you directly involved? It may not be your business!
Q Are they in a position of authority over the other person?
· Recently, a person was told something they shouldn’t have been told, yet is concerned them, so they came directly to me, as the other person’s authority, and left it in my hands.
Ä If it is negative, yet the other person need to know, it still may or may not be gossip, depending on the last test.
Why are you telling me?
With the example of the managers, the conversation can still devolve into gossip depending on how they share what they share.
Talking about their punctuality is appropriate, but mocking them or judging their character is not, nor is bringing up their dating track record, basically “condemnation as entertainment.”
The final test is: Are you speaking with godly motives, seeking the good of everyone involved, motivated by love above all else?
· This test is where it gets tricky, because even if we should be talking, it is so easy to speak for the wrong reasons.
Ephesians 4:29-31 29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Our reason for speaking must truly be to build everyone else up. And notice what happens if we our instead tears down:
30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
Why does it grieve him? Because it tears apart the “fellowship of the Holy Spirit” (more on that in a moment). Therefore, Paul charges us to get rid of all sins of speech:
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
Ä So in order to be avoiding gossip, our discussion must be motivated by love. But what usually motivates us?
Why we gossip and slander
1. Gossip is a way to judge other people, and by comparing come up ahead – it is spiritual pride.
· That is why celebrity gossip is so popular – it’s like shooting fish in a barrel! Was that gossip?
2. Gossip is a way to feel like an insider. We value our insider status more than we love people.
· We gossip because we want to feel better about ourselves.
Ä Now slander is a little bit different: It’s very similar to gossip, except slander intends to harm, to damage their reputation. Slander is an act of hostility or malice.
· In English, the key difference is that gossip might be true, but slander is not.
But in the Biblical use of slander, the key difference is in the motive; gossip doesn’t care that it hurts object, slander really hopes to hurt them.
3. Sometimes slander is motivated by competition, and hence pride or greed.
4. More frequently, we slander out of bitterness and unforgiveness.
· If you ever find slander coming out of your mouth, look for underlying bitterness!
So let’s review:
“Gossip is sharing negative information about a person or group, which may or may not be true, to a person who doesn’t need to be involved and without godly motivation.”
Ä Let’s look more closely at how damaging it is.
Who’s it hurt?
Gossip and slander hurt the person we gossip about, the person we gossip to, the entire community, ourselves, and God.
1. The person we gossip about.
It is evident that gossip hurts the object of our gossip, and I don’t need to oversell it, but consider:
· Gossip doesn’t allow a person to defend themselves, so if the information is wrong, it cannot be corrected.
· Once gossip is started, it is almost impossible stop it (example of a feather pillow).
Accordingly, gossip stands in direct opposition to grace: Grace hopes to see a person healed and restored, gossip ensure that an offence will never go away.
2. The person we gossip to.
Spreading gossip is also unloving for the listener:
Proverbs 18:8 The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man’s inmost parts.
The point is that once you hear gossip or slander, it immediately lodges deep inside, and now it has become part of the listener. You have given him the burden of dealing with it.
· Even if it is true, God seldom gives grace to busybodies.
3. Ourselves
As I said before, gossip and spiritual pride go hand in hand. Gossip and humility are mutually exclusive. Those are reasons enough to rid ourselves of gossip.
· Additionally, gossip weakens our reputation.
NIV Proverbs 20:19 A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much.
If I know that a person is a gossip, I simply won’t share sensitive information with them. And one this reputation is established, it is very hard to get rid of.
4. The community.
Gossip also has the power to rip a community apart. Consider what these Proverbs say:
Proverbs 16:28 A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.
Proverbs 26:20 Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down.
Proverbs 17:9 He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.
I’ve seen friendship damaged, controversies rage needlessly, and the Gospel hindered by wasted energy from gossip and slander.
5. God
This is one of God’s kids we are slandering. How do you feel when someone bad talks your kids, even when it is true?
James 3:9-10 9 With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. 10 Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.
How to stop it
Just like with Smokey the Bear – only you and I can prevent the forest fires caused by gossip and slander, because we’re the folks who start it! It’s a two part strategy: Not starting it and stopping it when it comes to us.
1. Not starting it.
Whenever you find yourself wanting to share something about other people or groups, ask:
a. Is this negative?
b. Am I certain this is true?
c. Does the other person genuinely need to know?
d. Why do I want to share this?
2. Stopping what comes to us.
We so thoroughly enjoy being on the inside that we find it very hard to stop gossip (I have frequently been guilty). We also don’t want to make things awkward by saying something.
Here are some ideas:
a. Ask if they have spoke directly to the person about their concerns (this is what Matthew 18:15 requires).
b. Say that you need to look into this, and ask if you can quote them (that will stop most of them!).
c. Counter with some positive things about the person (I do this when folks complain about other churches).
Q & A
Closing
As we go into worship, ask God to show you how you have hurt other through gossip and slander. Repent before you take communion, which also means choosing to turn from it.