Relationship Tune Up (Week 1)
Relationship Tune Up • Sermon • Submitted
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Intro
Intro
It is so good to be with you this morning. I am particularly excited about what we are going to be talking about the next few weeks: Relationships.
We are calling our series a Relationship Tune Up. This Tune Up is for all relationships. So, whether you are married or single, have kids or never want them, are in school or work all the time, these next few weeks are going to be so practical and helpful for ALL OF US. We intentionally called it a Tune Up, but there are a lot of ways to look at a Tune Up.
CARTOONS
A Tune Up is for everybody, everywhere, all the time. You don’t wait until it is too late to get a Tune Up, instead the idea behind a Tune Up is to keep things running smoothly so you aren’t out of commission later on for repairs that could have been avoided.
STORY: Brandy and no oil change. I don’t believe my sister ever drove her car for tens of thousands of miles again without a routine oil change.
There are things we do in our life that are routine maintenance. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong, instead it means that we value something enough to take care of it. And I believe RELATIONSHIPS are and should be that way in our life.
PERSONAL STORY: Some of you may relate this same way, but my take on relationships was if it ain’t broke why try to fix it (meaning even try to improve it). If it is working, why mess with it. From cars to relationships, I think this can be a common approach. The problem was when I saw an Amazon wishlist for Books that my wife had made. Titles like “The 5 Love Languages,” “Love Dare,” “Respect Dare.” I was offended. Why would she think we needed these books? What does she think is SO wrong with our marriage?
I didn’t say it, I probably didn’t have enough emotional intelligence to self-recognize it, but I felt like a failure when I saw this list.
We laugh about it now, but this is our marker for recognizing how we each approach improvement differently. What was yours? Did someone mention getting counseling? Maybe even the retreat we just had and the series we are entering seems so irrelevant to you. But if you will allow it, the Lord will use these things to bring you more peace, to bring more reconciliation in all areas of your life.
The past few weeks we talked about how God Makes All Things New, and I believe one of the biggest areas where God likes to renew things in our lives is our relationships.
17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
18 All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation;
19 that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.
17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation:
2 cor 5:17-19
God sent His Son to renew all things in our lives, and the catalyst of Christ’s work can often be found in someone near us.
What do I mean by that? I mean that while we may take pride in our rough edges, the Lord is seeking to make us more and more like Him in all ways. Where everything, including our relationships, are less about us, and we are willing to embrace the various forms of the crucible to see our lives become less selfish, self-serving, and more UPWARD and OUTWARD focused.
The Greatest Command: Love God & Love Others.
vs. 17-19 The renewal that Christ has done IN US, He now wants to do THROUGH US.
One set of conditions or relationships has passed out of existence (parēlthen, aorist); another set has come to stay (gegonen, perfect).
But when we begin to look at our relationships, we see that we all bring something to the table, good or bad. We all come to every single relationship with bias, based on experiences and desires. So, to help us today I want us to look at how we all come with desires and even expectations. Those expectations can effect the healthy and satisfaction we get our of those relationships if we don’t address them properly. And then we can improve upon those with good communication. So, those are the two things we are going to talk about today.
Communication
Expectations
Communication
This is where I personally experienced conflict when I was first married, and recognize how crucial it is in all of my relationships.
EXPECTATIONS
Andy Stanley says we all have expectations, and we all have reality. What lies between them is conflict.
And how we manage our expectations often determines the amount of enjoyment, the amount of conflict, event he amount of growth we experience.
We all come to our relationships with our own perspective. We just can’t help it. It was the way we were raised or weren’t raised. Our perspective comes from what we experienced.
And we can’t help that we are the sum of our relationships and experiences. Those are the things that have made us what we are today.
(Amazon wish list)
BOX: DESIRE/EXPECTATION
Others of us drive the car until it doesn’t run any more and then just trade it in for a new one.
HOUSE, DIAPER, CAR, CLEANING PRODUCT, CLOCK, MOO MOO, $$$
Single: extraordinarily glad you are here. Just feel sorry for the people who are married and have all these struggles, plus you will get to do it right the first time.
When we get married or even many years before we have collected a life, a box full of desires.
When we come to getting married or even many years before we get married we have collected a life, a box full of desires.
We all have these in common. We all come to our relationships with these. The problem is that these desires that we have are OURS. They are all about US. ME, ME, ME. I, I, I.
(Box Desire: house, diaper, car, clean, clock, won’t wear to bed at night (moo, moo), financially)
Leave
We only wish and desire what we know to wish and desire. In marriage, we come down the isle with these. We even talked about some of these desires with our fiance. But after saying I do, or on the honeymoon, or that first week, month, year we begin to transfer these desires into EXPECTATIONS.
We don’t know exactly when it happened or why it happened, but all the desires we had for this relationship have now become expectations. What I grew up experiencing is now no longer what I just want but what I expect.
This happens in the church. You bring your previous experiences, good or bad. You expect a certain level of involvement, of warmth/distance, of inclusion. The list can go on. You even bring in with you your pain. Whether you were hurt at a church or just in life, you bring that with you, and so you begin to expect things of other people to help you. You want healing but you don’t even feel invited. You read into someone not responding right away to your text or Facebook Message. It is still all about, I.
And desires even good desires become expectations. We are not sure how it happen or when it happened. I mean after all you are my wife or my husband. This is a church, you are Christians, right?
That is what you are suppose to do, right?
EXPECTATION
When this transfer happens the dynamic is instantly changed. It is instantly changed because there are two big I’s in the relationship. And then you either leave because they are not measuring up to your expectations and you aren’t measuring up to theirs. So we are just leaving.
So you pick up your box of desires and take them with you, even into your next relationship.
Dominate partner can finally explain to the weaker partner enough of why you expect certain things and then get the weaker partner to just give in.
(Amazon wish list)
Others of us drive the car until it doesn’t run any more and then just trade it in for a new one.
Single: extraordinarily glad you are here. Just feel sorry for the people who are married and have all these struggles, plus you will get to do it right the first time.
(Box Desire: house, diaper, car, clean, clock, won’t wear to bed at night (moo, moo), financially)
When we come to getting married or even many years before we get married we have collected a life, a box full of desires.
(Box Desire: house, diaper, car, clean, clock, won’t wear to bed at night (moo, moo), financially)
What these all have in common is that they all have I right in the middle. We only know what we know. We only wish and desire what we know to wish and desire. We come down the isle with these. We even talked about some of these desires with our spouse. But after saying I do, or on the honeymoon, or that first week, month, year we begin to transfer these desires into expectations.
And desires even good desires become expectations. We are not sure how it happen or when it happened. I mean after all you are my wife or my husband. That is what you are suppose to do, right?
(Box Expectation)
When this transfer happens the dynamic is instantly changed. It is instantly changed because there are two big I’s in marriage. And then you either leave because they are not measuring up to your expectations and you aren’t measuring up to theirs. So we are just leaving.
So you pick up your box of desires and take them with you, even into your next marriage.
Dominate partner can finally explain to the weaker partner enough of why you expect certain things and then get the weaker partner to just give in.
It is easy for me to be me. But it is not easy for me to be Candi.
Some just split everything into two. Split the money, split the bills, etc. You just compromise, and they problem with this approach is there is still two big I’s in the marriage. And in marriage counseling you are so concerned about my marriage, to the marriage. Never are we commanded to be committed to marriage but to a person. This is not a covenant this is a contract. I will if you will, but as soon as you don’t I won’t.
The first thing to go in a contract is intimacy. And you never experience what God designed us for because you are just managing expectations.
When you transfer your desires into expectations you make that relationship a debt/debtor relationship. You owe me. (Remind of vows. You promised.)
As justified as you may feel, anytime you end up in a debt/debtor relationship you immediately get rid of intimacy and affection. Why? Because you leave no margin for receiving and expressing unconditional love. Why? Because they are just now up to 0, up to par. I am not going to celebrate what you are suppose to do, or what is just expected.
Love is a gift, and if everything is expected then there is no opportunity to receive love and affection.
No thank you card from my mortgage company. It is expected. Debt/Debtor. The only time you hear from them is if you miss a payment.
If I desire it then I am grateful. But if I expect it I don’t even notice it. Instead, I see the one thing that isn’t perfect, up to our expectations.
Romance. Intimacy. Unconditional love. Gone. Because you have move your desires into expectation and flushed this possibility down the drain.
What I am not saying is to not have any expectations or desires. Just neutral, vanilla. Many of our desires are legitimate God-given desires.
God designed you to be RESPECTED, CHERISHED, ACCEPTED, INTIMACY, LOVED, APPREIATED, FOLLOWED.
The moment I take my desire and place them as expectations on the shoulders of my spouse it becomes you own me. And no one enjoys being in the debt/debtor relationship in our
How do you know if desires have become expectations: expressions of gratitude/acts of service.
We don’t express gratitude for things we just expect them to do. What you are saying that somewhere back there that desire became an expectation. Why would gratitude end…because has just become commonplace. When is the last time you said thank you for doing what you expected and even desired.
Acts of service…you walk by and see something that your spouse normally does you just leave it because you just think they will get it, that’s what they do.
Imagine a marriage that was built around satisfying the deepest desires of the person you married instead of trying to live up to the expectations. This fuels romans in a marriage. This ends it. This is a covenant regardless of what you do or don’t do. This is a contract.
How do you get what is in here back over there? Not how do you get rid of all these things, but make them desires again?
What does your spouse owe you? Your answer to that questions will tell you what is in your expectation box.
I Peter 3:1-2; 7
Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
SEE MILESTONES
Putting Your “I” Out
What does my spouse owe me? In a Christian marriage, the answer is NOTHING.
Ephesians 5:21
It Takes Three.
It is easy for me to be me. But it is not easy for me to be Candi.
Compromise. Some just split everything into two. Split the money, split the bills, etc. You just compromise, and they problem with this approach is there is still two big I’s in the relationship. And in counseling you are so concerned about my relationship, to the relationship. Never are we commanded to be committed to marriage or a relationship but to a person. What we have started describing is not a covenant but a contract.
I will if you will, but as soon as you don’t I won’t.
The first thing to go in a contract is romance and intimacy. And you never experience what God designed us for because you are just managing expectations.
When you transfer your desires into expectations you make that relationship a debt/debtor relationship. You owe me. (Remind of vows. You promised.)
As justified as you may feel, anytime you end up in a debt/debtor relationship you immediately get rid of intimacy and affection. Why? Because you leave no margin for receiving and expressing unconditional love. Why? Because they are just now up to 0, up to par. I am not going to celebrate what you are supposed to do, or what is expected.
Love is a gift, and if everything is expected then there is no opportunity to receive love and affection.
No thank you card from my mortgage company. It is expected. Debt/Debtor. The only time you hear from them is if you miss a payment. You will get a personalized phone call when you don’t meet expectations. And this is what some of you feel in your relationships.
Desire leads to gratitude. Expectation leads to disdain. If I desire it then I am grateful. But if I expect it I don’t even notice it. Instead, I see the one thing that isn’t perfect, up to our expectations.
Romance. Intimacy. Unconditional love. Gone. Because you have moved your desires into expectation and flushed this possibility down the drain.
What I am not saying is to not have any expectations or desires. Just neutral, vanilla. Many of our desires are legitimate God-given desires. I don’t know about you, but I am just not that spiritual. You become, “Yes honey. Whatever you want honey.” Candi doesn’t want that kind of spouse. It is not only difficult, it is unhealthy to just decide to turn this off and have no desires or expectations. That is not the answer to avoid conflict within yourself or in your relationships.
God designed you to be RESPECTED, CHERISHED, ACCEPTED, INTIMACY, LOVED, APPRECIATED, FOLLOWED.
The moment I take my desire and place them as expectations on the shoulders of my spouse it becomes you own me. Something happens to the love, you can express it, you can’t receive it. It all becomes raising our performance to the level of where the bar has been set for us. And no one enjoys being in the debt/debtor relationship.
How do you know if desires have become expectations: expressions of gratitude/acts of service. These are the two ways you can determine which place you are operating from…expressions of gratitude or acts of service.
We don’t express gratitude for things we just expect them to do. What you are saying that somewhere back there that desire became an expectation. Why would gratitude end…because has just become commonplace. When is the last time you said thank you for doing what you expected and even desired.
Acts of service…you walk by and see something that your spouse normally does you just leave it because you just think they will get it, that’s what they do.
Imagine a relationship that was built around satisfying the deepest desires of the other person instead of trying to live up to the expectations. Desire fuels romance. Expectations ends it. Desire is a promise regardless of what you do or don’t do. Expectation is a contract.
How do you get what is in the expectation category back to a desire? Not how do you get rid of all these things, but make them desires again?
What does your spouse owe you? What do your friends owe you?
What do those in your family or at your work owe you? Your answer to that questions will tell you what is in your expectation box.
1 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,
2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
;
Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
Everything we do under the cloud of expectations can never be received as acts of love and kindness. You are just measuring up to what you are supposed to be doing, to meet expectations. And this type of approach erodes any relationship.
SEE MILESTONES
Putting Your “I” Out
How do we take the ‘I’ out of our relationships? Imagine relationships, marriage or future marriage, work relationships, family relationships…imagine those that stays in the lane of dreams and desires. Imagine relationships that were built around fulfilling the dreams and desires of someone else versus trying to measure up to the expectations they have for us.
1. One approach can build, invest, and contribute
2. The other can only miss a mark or do what they are suppose to
What does my spouse owe me? In a Christian marriage, the answer is NOTHING. What does anyone you are in any type of relationship owe you? The answer is still NOTHING.
From your perspective, from your opinion, from how you have been operating…what do they owe you? This will tell you what your expect.
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
It Takes Three
COMMUNICATION
Communication is what makes any relationship healthy, but good communication is WORK. This is what keeps some of us out of the game.
For the withdrawers in the house, communication even seems like conflict, and you told yourself even subconsciously that you were going to avoid conflict.
For those like me diving right into communication, our engagers, this is where you can say your piece. This is how you process things, verbally. This is how you show value, and that you are in this relationship. Doing otherwise would mean the opposite for you.
But how you say things, and how we go about our communication is so important.
'Truth without love is brutality, and love without truth is hypocrisy.'
— Warren Wiersbe
WEDNESDAY GROUP STUDY: This past week during out group discussion on Ephesians (PLUG for WED) we got on the topic of speaking the truth in love. This is important for all of our relationships, and how many of you realize that if you speak truth without there being any relationship you are setting yourself up to confuse and wound those you are speaking to?
Even with relationship, we have to speak truth without hypocrisy, without agenda or ulterior motive. We must speak truth and bring clarity in communication because we genuinely value the other person, what we believe is God’s best for them, and value the relationship we have with them.
Timothy Keller says in The Meaning of Marriage:
Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws.
Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it.
Keller goes on to say:
God's saving love in Christ, however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us. The merciful commitment strengthens us to see the truth about ourselves and repent. The conviction and repentance moves us to cling to and rest in God's mercy and grace.
God’s Word is a sword that divides between our soul and spirit, but when we think that we hold the sword, even God’s Word, to bring this about in our relationships we will wound, injure, and kill but not see healing, restoration, and unity. God does the latter, in His time, in His way. He knows the beginning from the end, and knows our inner most parts. He knows what each of us can handle, and it is His kindness that brings about transformation.
4 Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?
8 and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh.
So, we want to communication in a way that honors one another, the retains dignity, recognizes God’s image in the other, and brings value to everyone in the relationship (not just ourselves).
We want to move out of the arena of expectations in our communication and be able to show unconditional love, operating from a covenant instead of contract.
6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
7 It is right for me to feel this way about you all, because I hold you in my heart, for you are all partakers with me of grace, both in my imprisonment and in the defense and confirmation of the gospel.
8 For God is my witness, how I yearn for you all with the affection of Christ Jesus.
9 And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment,
10 so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ,
Expectations
expectation to communication
And there are 3 quick areas I want us to be mindful of as we leave here:
Timely
Building
Unconditional
Timely
23 Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time!
proverbs 15:
11 A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.
Few things hurt worse than the wrong words, but in the same way the right words at the wrong time can injure instead of heal, can divide instead of mend.
We want to discern, pray through, as much for our heart as well as theirs before we speak a word, before we communicate. We want to speak not only the right way, with the right words, but at the right time.
Building Up/Edifying
29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
We get to choose what we say. This may take some rewiring of our natural response we have become accustomed to defaulting to, but it is our choice to rewire and develop healthy pathways of communicating. We want to communicate in such a way that edifying, that builds up, that actual serves the needs of others, and extends the grace we ourselves have received.
I am so quick to forget what I myself need when it comes time to extend and give that to someone else. God reminds us here of how to make that priority once again when it comes to how we communicate.
PIANO MAN
Communicate with Unconditional Love
8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
Peter is writing about how proper thinking will lead to proper action. And love is the supreme expression for Christ’s followers to show to one another and display for the world.
Jesus said that the world would know that we are His because of our love for one another. Unfortunately, the world has lost interest, has seen so much hypocrisy because of our ability to quickly wound one another, our quickness to injure, hurt, and abandon one another. This is not Christ my friend.
Peter here cites
12 Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs.
Provers 10:12
Love is the key, and unconditional love mandatory in order to see health and healing come from our communication and relationships.
20 remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sins.
Love does NOT expose or magnify the faults of others. That is my sinful, selfish nature trying to show some sort of superiority instead of serving and preferring. God has called us to something greater. To die daily, to take up our cross, and follow His example in all our relationships.
PRAY
To move out of expectations and back to desire.
To express love in its greatest form, unconditionally to those around us
To grow in health in our approach, motivation, and discerning our words before we use them
Let us be timely, building up, and expressing how you have unconditionally loved and shown us grace
Thank you for a fresh start. Only you can make all things new, especially when it comes to our relationships that have a past. We give them to you. We give our past, our present, and our future to the best version of ourselves that you are daily transforming us into.
Thank you Jesus that you are not finished with us yet! You are good; You are God; You are faithful.
Amen