Sermon Tone Analysis

/Who Cares?/

Broken Relationships, Part 2

Jeff Jones, Senior Pastor

June 22~/24, 2007

Ephesians 4:25-32 and Matthew 18:21, 22

 

(people bringing in bags).

Monday we leave for vacation—can you tell?

Got a few bags.

We leave to go sailing, and we are known as a family for having fun but not necessarily packing light…though most of this is not mine.

They say there are two kinds of people in the world…the first are those who pack light.

They are called “men.”

Here are Christy’s bags, and here is mine (hold up backpack).

Not quite, but I have this up here for a reason (put on the scuba bag).

This thing is heavy, and who would want to spend any time lugging this around on your back?

What a lousy vacation that would be.

Yet, that is what we do all the time when we choose to hang on to relational hurts.

We lug all this baggage around with us, and don’t fully realize how much it weighs us down in life.

And it is easy to do, even natural.

Hurts are going to happen; there is no way to avoid that.

For a few minutes, let me talk about how we naturally deal with hurt, how we choose to carry it around with us, and then we’ll look at what God tells us to do with it.

One thing I can do is just keep it on my back and repress the hurt, stuff it.

*Slide: ____________ *

* *

* Natural Response: Repress

 

When I do, that hurt turns to anger, and anger bitterness—a bitter grudge.

I start interpreting everything you do through a distorted grid, assuming that every word you say and every action you take is somehow intended to hurt me more.

Even if I move on from relationship with you, I still carry around the grudge, the baggage, even bring it around to my new relationships.

Hurt builds up, so I just carry that baggage into the next relationships.

Turn with me to Ephesians 4. Today we are going to look at Ephesians 4 and Matthew 18 to learn how to handle our hurts, how to move past the past by working through it.

Last week we said it was worth the effort to clean up the relational messes.

Let’s talk about how.

 

*Slide: ____________*

 

* Learned Response: Communicate the hurt quickly

 

When we are hurt, the sooner we can communicate the better—before it turns to anger and anger bitterness.

Let’s read, starting in verse 25:

 

*Slide: ____________ *Ephesians 4:25

 

/Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body./

Instead of burying the hurt and acting like things are fine, speak the truth…communicate the hurt.

Paul keeps going:

 

*Slide: ____________ *Ephesians 4: 26-31

 

“/In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27and do not give the devil a foothold…Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

30And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.

31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice./

There is a lot in this passage to unpack, so let’s start unpacking.

Paul tells us first of all to be angry.

Verse 26 says,

 

*Slide: ____________* Eph.

4:26 a

 

“in your anger, do not sin,” but that anger part is actually a command, like the NAS translates it: “Be angry, yet without sin.”

God is saying, “Be angry!” Don’t act like you are not.

When you are hurt, you are going to feel anger…just don’t leave it there very long, because anger is dangerous.

That’s why he says, deal with it right away, before the sun goes down…as soon as possible.

Christy and I tend to apply that very literally, meaning we have made a commitment to each other not to go to bed with unresolved stuff.

One thing that helps that is that we wait for each other to go to bed, which means I wait for her.

I’m more a morning person and she definitely a night person, so about 10:30 at night in our house you can hear me begging my wife to get ready for bed.

And when we go to bed, we kiss each other good night, and know each other well enough to know if there is something we need to talk and pray through…an unresolved hurt.

Paul is saying, “deal with it now!

Don’t wait!

Hurt is dangerous stuff!”

Of all the lessons in ministry I learned from my mentor and the founder of this church, Gene Getz, this has to be the one that stands out most.

If you know Gene very well, you know that he will not sit on a relational issue.

He focuses on it and it alone until it is resolved.

He will call you on your cell phone, your home phone, then all over again, call friends, neighbors, show up at your house…the man is relentless, and he taught me that unresolved relational issues are priority one.

And he is right.

Notice what Paul says happens when we don’t: we invite Satan into our relationship.

That’s what he says: if you and I don’t communicate it quickly and try to deal with it, we give Satan a foothold in the relationship.

So, in this church, or in your home, or in your marriage, or at your work, or in your friendships, how many of you would want say to Satan, “Hey Satan, come on in and do your thing, wreck our home, wreck our marriage, ruin my career, destroy my friendship, alienate my children…go for it…it’ll be fun!”

Of course we wouldn’t, but that is exactly what we do when we leave unresolved relational mess in our relationships.

We are letting Satan do his thing.

That’s why Paul gave the responsibility to us to “get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander…” because it is so dangerous to leave in our lives.

Even if we move on from one relationship, we just carry all that stuff with us and ruin the next.

We have to deal with it.

It is our sin if we don’t.

How do we do that?

Carefully.

Earlier in Ephesians we are told to speak the truth in love, that instead of burying issues in relationships, we are to bring them out in a loving way.

In the verse we just read, he tells us that when we do we better be careful with our words, to only use words that build up and are respectful, that give the other person the best possible chance to respond positively.

Another thing I can do with hurt that feels really good but leaves the pack on my back is hurt you back…throw some of this junk back at you…let you know how it feels.

* *

*Slide: ____________*

* *

* Natural Response: Retaliate

 

We can do that in obvious ways or subtle ways, but it does feel good, feels just and fair, to hurt when we get hurt.

There is a great biblical example of this all the way back in Genesis, of a descendent of Cain named Lamech.

We don’t know much about him, but what we do know is that a younger man did something to hurt him, so he hurts him back worse…actually kills him.

He is so proud of it, he makes up a little poem, which we have in

 

*Slide: ____________ *Gen.

4:23-24

 

 23 Lamech said to his wives, \\        "Adah and Zillah, listen to me; \\        wives of Lamech, hear my words.

\\        I have killed a man for wounding me, \\        a young man for injuring me.

24 If Cain is avenged seven times, \\        then Lamech seventy-seven times."

He says that Cain avenged X 7, and he is committed to avenging X 77.

That is the Lamech commitment, or the law of Lamech: You hurt me, and I’ll hurt you back worse.

That sounds bad, and is, but we do it, too.

How do we hurt back?

There are obvious ways people do so, like Lamech, doing it physically…but there are other ways that are more common.

Harsh words, slandering the person behind their back, or at least tearing them down with gossip, take some opportunity away, hurt one of their relationships, or we can be even more subtle and withdraw or withhold affection.

Occasionally I try that with Christy, and the bummer is it never seems to work.

A few times I’ve tried this, I’m hurt, so I say to myself, “I’m not going to kiss her again until she realizes what she has done and repents of her sinful ways.”

So, for a while I don’t kiss her, and she lives life just fine without my kissing…like no big deal.

She’s too kissable for me to keep that commitment, so I end up kissing her any way.

I give in.

However we hurt back, I’m sure we all would agree that in the game of you hurt me and I’ll hurt you back leaves everyone a loser.

Just look at the middle east and see what that cycle does to a culture…there is no end to that game.