Who Cares? Broken Relationships 2
Who Cares?
Broken Relationships, Part 2
Jeff Jones, Senior Pastor
June 22/24, 2007
Ephesians 4:25-32 and Matthew 18:21, 22
(people bringing in bags). Monday we leave for vacation—can you tell? Got a few bags. We leave to go sailing, and we are known as a family for having fun but not necessarily packing light…though most of this is not mine. They say there are two kinds of people in the world…the first are those who pack light. They are called “men.” Here are Christy’s bags, and here is mine (hold up backpack). Not quite, but I have this up here for a reason (put on the scuba bag). This thing is heavy, and who would want to spend any time lugging this around on your back? What a lousy vacation that would be.
Yet, that is what we do all the time when we choose to hang on to relational hurts. We lug all this baggage around with us, and don’t fully realize how much it weighs us down in life. And it is easy to do, even natural. Hurts are going to happen; there is no way to avoid that. For a few minutes, let me talk about how we naturally deal with hurt, how we choose to carry it around with us, and then we’ll look at what God tells us to do with it.
One thing I can do is just keep it on my back and repress the hurt, stuff it.
Slide: ____________
- Natural Response: Repress
When I do, that hurt turns to anger, and anger bitterness—a bitter grudge. I start interpreting everything you do through a distorted grid, assuming that every word you say and every action you take is somehow intended to hurt me more. Even if I move on from relationship with you, I still carry around the grudge, the baggage, even bring it around to my new relationships. Hurt builds up, so I just carry that baggage into the next relationships.
Turn with me to Ephesians 4. Today we are going to look at Ephesians 4 and Matthew 18 to learn how to handle our hurts, how to move past the past by working through it. Last week we said it was worth the effort to clean up the relational messes. Let’s talk about how.
Slide: ____________
- Learned Response: Communicate the hurt quickly
When we are hurt, the sooner we can communicate the better—before it turns to anger and anger bitterness. Let’s read, starting in verse 25:
Slide: ____________ Ephesians 4:25
Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. Instead of burying the hurt and acting like things are fine, speak the truth…communicate the hurt. Paul keeps going:
Slide: ____________ Ephesians 4: 26-31
“In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27and do not give the devil a foothold…Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
There is a lot in this passage to unpack, so let’s start unpacking. Paul tells us first of all to be angry. Verse 26 says,
Slide: ____________ Eph. 4:26 a
“in your anger, do not sin,” but that anger part is actually a command, like the NAS translates it: “Be angry, yet without sin.” God is saying, “Be angry!” Don’t act like you are not. When you are hurt, you are going to feel anger…just don’t leave it there very long, because anger is dangerous. That’s why he says, deal with it right away, before the sun goes down…as soon as possible.
Christy and I tend to apply that very literally, meaning we have made a commitment to each other not to go to bed with unresolved stuff. One thing that helps that is that we wait for each other to go to bed, which means I wait for her. I’m more a morning person and she definitely a night person, so about 10:30 at night in our house you can hear me begging my wife to get ready for bed. And when we go to bed, we kiss each other good night, and know each other well enough to know if there is something we need to talk and pray through…an unresolved hurt. Paul is saying, “deal with it now! Don’t wait! Hurt is dangerous stuff!”
Of all the lessons in ministry I learned from my mentor and the founder of this church, Gene Getz, this has to be the one that stands out most. If you know Gene very well, you know that he will not sit on a relational issue. He focuses on it and it alone until it is resolved. He will call you on your cell phone, your home phone, then all over again, call friends, neighbors, show up at your house…the man is relentless, and he taught me that unresolved relational issues are priority one. And he is right. Notice what Paul says happens when we don’t: we invite Satan into our relationship. That’s what he says: if you and I don’t communicate it quickly and try to deal with it, we give Satan a foothold in the relationship. So, in this church, or in your home, or in your marriage, or at your work, or in your friendships, how many of you would want say to Satan, “Hey Satan, come on in and do your thing, wreck our home, wreck our marriage, ruin my career, destroy my friendship, alienate my children…go for it…it’ll be fun!” Of course we wouldn’t, but that is exactly what we do when we leave unresolved relational mess in our relationships. We are letting Satan do his thing.
That’s why Paul gave the responsibility to us to “get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander…” because it is so dangerous to leave in our lives. Even if we move on from one relationship, we just carry all that stuff with us and ruin the next. We have to deal with it. It is our sin if we don’t.
How do we do that? Carefully. Earlier in Ephesians we are told to speak the truth in love, that instead of burying issues in relationships, we are to bring them out in a loving way. In the verse we just read, he tells us that when we do we better be careful with our words, to only use words that build up and are respectful, that give the other person the best possible chance to respond positively.
Another thing I can do with hurt that feels really good but leaves the pack on my back is hurt you back…throw some of this junk back at you…let you know how it feels.
Slide: ____________
- Natural Response: Retaliate
We can do that in obvious ways or subtle ways, but it does feel good, feels just and fair, to hurt when we get hurt. There is a great biblical example of this all the way back in Genesis, of a descendent of Cain named Lamech. We don’t know much about him, but what we do know is that a younger man did something to hurt him, so he hurts him back worse…actually kills him. He is so proud of it, he makes up a little poem, which we have in
Slide: ____________ Gen. 4:23-24
23 Lamech said to his wives,
"Adah and Zillah, listen to me;
wives of Lamech, hear my words.
I have killed a man for wounding me,
a young man for injuring me.
24 If Cain is avenged seven times,
then Lamech seventy-seven times."
He says that Cain avenged X 7, and he is committed to avenging X 77. That is the Lamech commitment, or the law of Lamech: You hurt me, and I’ll hurt you back worse. That sounds bad, and is, but we do it, too.
How do we hurt back? There are obvious ways people do so, like Lamech, doing it physically…but there are other ways that are more common. Harsh words, slandering the person behind their back, or at least tearing them down with gossip, take some opportunity away, hurt one of their relationships, or we can be even more subtle and withdraw or withhold affection. Occasionally I try that with Christy, and the bummer is it never seems to work. A few times I’ve tried this, I’m hurt, so I say to myself, “I’m not going to kiss her again until she realizes what she has done and repents of her sinful ways.” So, for a while I don’t kiss her, and she lives life just fine without my kissing…like no big deal. She’s too kissable for me to keep that commitment, so I end up kissing her any way. I give in.
However we hurt back, I’m sure we all would agree that in the game of you hurt me and I’ll hurt you back leaves everyone a loser. Just look at the middle east and see what that cycle does to a culture…there is no end to that game. If you want to destroy your relationships and destroy your soul, keep playing it. Either carry your hurts or hurt back, and you lose.
The point is to stop carrying the baggage, and deal with it by communicating it so that the other person at least has the opportunity to respond well. They may not, that’s their responsibility…but I’m responsible to do my part. And once I’ve done that, I’m ready for the next part of my responsibility, and it does not matter how they respond…my next job is to do this:
Slide: ____________
- Learned Response: Forgive “Jesus-style”
Forgive ___________, ____________ and _______________.
Notice the blanks? Some of you are like me and don’t mind the blanks, but I know some of you are a lot more thorough personality types, and you want me to tell you the blanks. Just be patient, we’ll fill in the blanks, but first let’s look at the next verse in
Slide: ____________ Ephesians 4:32
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. The only way you and I can lay down our relational baggage is to forgive…which sounds easy but is very hard to do, because forgiveness is not fair. What is fair is the law of Lamech: You hurt me, and I’ll make sure you hurt back. Remember the law of Lamech? His commitment may be extreme, X 77, but it still feels good. So, with the law of Lamech in mind, let’s talk about forgiveness. If you are a fast Bible flipper, flip over to
Slide: ____________ Matthew 18:21
Peter, one of the disciples, is trying to figure this forgiveness thing out. 21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Peter is doing pretty good here, he’s expecting to get the A+, thumbs-up from Jesus. He answers very graciously, x 7…his buddy disciples are probably thinking he’s getting the A also…then Jesus answers:
Slide: ____________ Matthew 18:22
Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. Do those numbers sound familiar? Jesus is referring back to the law of Lamech, reversing it. Lamech’s commitment was I’ll hurt you 77 times, but the law of Jesus says, “I’ll forgive you 77 times,” meaning without limit.
That is essentially what forgiveness is, the reverse of the law of Lamech. Here is my definition of forgiveness:
Slide: ____________
Forgiveness is giving up the right to get even and choosing to let the offense go, never again holding it over the person’s head.
When you hurt me, the natural law, the law of Lamech, says I can hurt you back. But forgiveness says, I give up that right. That’s how Jesus forgives us, which leads me to my blanks for those of you who are still nervous. Ephesians 4:32 says we are to forgive others the same way Jesus forgave us…which is how? Three words to fill in your blanks:
Slide: ____________
Forgiveness “Jesus-style” means immediately, constantly,
and completely.
Slide: ____________
- Forgive immediately.
First, is immediately…when we come to Jesus for forgiveness, he doesn’t say, “Let me think about it.” He forgives. You and I must forgive the same way, right away…but you say, “I don’t feel like it,” but that doesn’t matter. Forgiveness is not a feeling but a choice. If you wait until you feel like forgiving someone, it will never happen.
Slide: ____________
- Forgive constantly.
Second, is constantly. That’s the answer to Peter’s question. The command in verse 32 is present tense, so the sense of the command from the original language of the New Testament is this, “Keep on forgiving. Don’t stop, just keep on forgiving.” That’s how Jesus forgives us. He doesn’t get to a place with a sin we keep struggling with where he says, “Okay, that’s it. Done. I’m getting you back for this one.” He keeps forgiving. Does that mean we just let people walk all over us then, just keep being abused by people? No! Boundaries in bad relationships are good things and you don’t have to keep putting yourself in the firing line of abusive people…but it does mean that when it does happen you choose to forgive.
Slide: ____________
- Forgive completely.
Third is completely, because that is how God forgives us. When God forgives us, our sin and his hurt is in the past…he doesn’t bring it up again. Just listen to these verses about what God does with your sin:
Slide: ____________ Micah 7:19
…hurls our iniquities into the depths of the sea (Micah 7:19).
Slide: ____________ Is. 44:22
I have swept your offenses like a cloud, your sins like a morning mist (Is. 44:22).
Slide: ____________ Isaiah 38:17
You have put all my sins behind your back (Is. 38:17). When God forgives us, he forgives completely. As far as he is concerned, that sin is gone forever. That’s the way we too must forgive. We let them off the hook, that sin is gone. That’s why the definition says that we never bring it up again.
But that’s not easy to do either. If I forgive, I lose all leverage. I can’t hold that offense over you: “remember the time you did this,” kind of thing. In fact, if you bring up something from the past that you think you have forgiven, you are just kidding yourself. You have not forgiven. You are still carrying the hurt and holding the person liable for the sin. And in that process, you are sinning yourself.
After all, forgiveness is not just a great idea that God is giving to enrich our lives. Forgiveness is a command. It doesn’t matter whether I feel like forgiving you or not, God tells me to forgive. And I offend him, who has forgiven me everything, if I don’t forgive your something. Right now, many of us in this room are holding on to hurt and holding the person liable. The only way you can leave the baggage behind is to obey God and forgive. And when you do, you free yourself from that offense.
So, what do we do with our hurts? Our responsibility, which is two things: communicate quickly and forgive immediately, constantly, and completely. That is not natural, which means that we have to make a choice…and the best way to do that is to decide in advance how we are going to handle relational hurts. Certainly, we all have hurts to let go of today, but let’s also decide right now how we will handle future hurts.
In this baggage is scuba equipment (put on mask/snorkel and get regulator). To scuba dive, you are supposed to get certified, and to get certified you have to go through some training. I’ve been through quite a bit of training, because I think training is important…because the whole point of training is to practice scenarios enough that when they happen you know what to do…because typically the natural thing to do is the wrong thing to do. For example, if I am under water in the ocean, and I see a big 12 foot Tiger shark, what might my response be! Aaahh! Shark! Get out of this dumb ocean! I throw the regulator out of my mouth, scream, and shoot up to the surface as quick as I can! That feels right and in the heat of the moment seems to make sense…however, it is by far the worst thing I can do. As I rush to the surface, the air in my lungs expands and can explode my lungs…not good. Doing the natural thing will kill me. That’s why I need to practice how to handle certain scenarios. That’s why I need to decide before I scuba dive how I am going to handle those situations. I make up my mind to do the right thing before the situation even happens.
You and I must do the same thing if we are going to get this right. Naturally, we will not communicate the hurt in a loving way. We will either stuff it or explode. And naturally we will never forgive and move on, giving up the right to get even and not bringing it up again. So, instead we decide in advance that we are going to deal with hurt quickly and forgive easily and completely…in fact, we will choose to forgive them even before they hurt us. How? I talk to God and say, “I’m about to interact with this person who is probably going to say some things that are unfair and that will hurt…or they’ll bring up the same old stuff again…and I’m going to want to react badly. Instead, I’m choosing right now to forgive. Help me remember how much you have forgiven me for, and help me do the same thing.”
As we do that, guess what happens? We drop the baggage. We don’t carry it around any more. When we communicate it and give the person an opportunity to respond, we take it off our shoulders. And when we forgive, regardless of how they respond, we put it so far behind us we can’t even see it any more. We move on.
What is the alternative? Just keep carrying it around…let it weigh us down…which we cannot do. You and I cannot afford to carry around this kind of weight. Our families can’t afford for us to carry around unresolved hurt and anger. If we are carrying this stuff around, we are in bondage…we are not free. When I forgive and do my part, it frees me to live my life and build good relationships. I choose in advance to deal with issues quickly and forgive easily, and all of a sudden life is good. I am light on my feet. I can relate and be free from the past.
As an illustration of this, I’m going to ask our instrumental leader, Eric Willis, to share his forgiveness story. We were in a meeting on Monday, doing last minute coordination for this weekend service, and I said, “I need a forgiveness story,” and then Eric started talking and we were all just kind of stunned. It is only by the grace of God and his willingness to forgive that he is even here working at our church…Eric, share your story.
Eric Story.
Wow. That’s the power of forgiveness…otherwise we stay in bondage…we just keep carrying around the extra weight. Again, you have a choice. You can continue to carry the baggage, or you can let it go. We are about to experience communion together, where we eat the bread and drink the juice, remembering Jesus’ death on the cross by which he paid the price for our sins to be forgiven. We remember an act of God that was very unfair. What was fair was for us to be punished for our sins forever, but God chose to forgive…and he paid a high price to do so.
As we celebrate communion, I don’t think there is any way we can reflect on how God forgave us everything if we are still holding on to something someone did to us. So, as we go experience this time, give that hurt up to God and ask him for the courage for you to forgive, communicate it to the person if appropriate, but to forgive. Let it go.
If you have yet to let your own sin go, giving it God for him to forgive, start there. Forgiveness is freeing when you are forgiven your own sin, and freeing for us when we forgive the people who have sinned against us. Let’s go to God right now and enjoy that freedom.
Communion.
Close.