Lesson 6: When We Are Wounded

He lives on the edge of my mind - a friend and former colleague who hurt me deeply. He makes his home several hundred miles away, but every so often he walks through the borders of my memory. I have to choose again to forgive him.

While I h ave refused to live in the bondage of bitterness, toward this man, the relationship has never been reconciled. If I saw him on the street, I would not run up and put my arms around him. Some issues would have to be dealt with first.

Question for Personal Reflection:

Do you have an unresolved relationship in your past or present? What feelings surface when you think about that person?

If I’m not careful, I can start feeling angry and even bitter. I have to prayerfully guard myself against this and ask for God to give me grace to continue to not only forgive, but love that person.

Jesus took the matters of forgiveness and reconciliation very seriously. He was concerned enough to give us detailed instructions about how to confront people who wound us - and what to do if they refuse to admit they’re wrong. This section of Jesus’ teaching directly precedes the parable we read in Study 5.

Jesus took the matters of forgiveness and reconciliation very seriously. He was concerned enough to give us detailed instructions about how to confront people who wound us - and what to do if the refuse to admit they’re wrong. This section of Jesus’ teaching directly precedes the parable we read in Study 5.

Read

Matthew 18:15–20 ESV

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”

Question 1

a. Construct a simple flow chart of the steps and the possible responses outlined by Jesus in these verses.

Step 1: Tell the person who sinned against you that they sinned against you… one on one.

Step 2: If he does not listen to you, take one or two others with you so that you have witnesses with you when you confront him again.

Step 3: If he still does not listen to you, bring it up to the church.

Step 4: If even here he does not listen to you and repent, he is to be regarded as an unbeliever.

b. What would it feel like to walk through this process as the one who was sinned against.

It would be uncomfortable to bring this up with someone. It would be easier, though not helpful or biblical, to sweep it under the rug and just be mad about it behind the person’s back. I say that as a joke, but also what far too many folks do.

c. as the one who was sinning?

I would probably run through the emotions of being defensive and being ashamed. It would upset me to be confronted like this, but I also know this is the proper way to handle it. And, I would much more respect the person who approached me one on one than the person who went around telling everyone else how mad they were at me for whatever I had done… or been accused of doing.

Question 2

This process begins, “If your brother sins against you” (v. 15). Jesus’ words apply directly to problems between “brothers” (Christians). What principles from these verses might help us resolve conflicts with non-Christians?

Approaching someone, one on one, still shows respect for that person. Even bringing one or two others with you shows respect rather than airing out all of your dirty laundry to everyone else. Also, not holding everything in is also very healthy. You are much more likely going to win that person (if they are an honest person) than if you went straight to everyone else.

Question 3

Why does Jesus place the burden of resolving the conflict on the offended person rather than on the offender?

First of all, God was the offended party and approached us first to bring about reconciliation.

Second, the offender may not even know they have offended.

Third, we are to be agents of reconciliation and seek healing these relationships rather than letting our own sinful feelings about being wronged fester within us and get worse.

Question 4

What attitude do you think you should exhibit when you confront the person who has wounded you?

Love and humility. I don’t think you should approach that person wagging your finger from your high horse. Instead, lovingly share with that person what they did and how it made you feel. Often that person will have no idea about either and would want the opportunity to apologize.

We should always be aware that we also have offended others, and especially God, and have been grateful for when those times have been handled lovingly. And, it’s much more likely to bring forth reconciliation than if we approached the person in great anger and righteous indignation.

Question 5

What are the benefits of taking two or three people with you the second time?

To verify that you did in fact lovingly approach the offender. To also verify how that person responded. It would be easy for that person to deny you approached them or even lie about what was said, when you approach them alone the first time. This helps keep the record straight and true.

Question 6

What will (hopefully) be accomplished by taking the extreme measures of verse 17?

The whole point of church discipline is restoration of a sinning brother or sister and the reconciliation of that relationship… whether it’s the relationship of two people or back with the church. Excommunication is a last resort.

The goal is not primarily punitive. But in our very litigious society, church discipline almost never happens. We are afraid to confront people and terrified of how they will respond. But these words are from Jesus, so we need to come to a place where we understand them and practice them.

Question 7

What authority does Jesus give to his followers and the church to act in such a way toward the person who refuses to repent (v. 18)

He gives us his authority to carry out church discipline in his way. It must be lovingly and humbly carried out and not in an authoritarian manner.

Question 8

What promises does Jesus make to those who are faithful in the areas of resolving conflict and pursuing reconciliation (vv. 19-20)?

That when two or three are gathered in his name for such a purpose, he promises to be with them in their midst. In other words, even in the midst of something so difficult, the two or three will not be going through it alone, but the Lord Jesus will also be there as well. What a great encouragement.

Question 9

a. What should you do if the offender never admits wrong?

In the context of a Christian brother or sister who attends your church, you should carry out the steps listed above. If the Christian goes to another church, you need to modify it. And if the person is an unbeliever, they are living as you would expect. Still work through some of the steps, especially if there is a relationship involved. But be loving and humble toward them in hopes that you can win them to Christ as well as restore the relationship.

b. How do you think God views that person?

God sent his Son to die for that person. He cares about how this situation is handled. He wants them to repent. Their very soul is at stake. An unrepentant person cannot (or will not) receive the grace God offers them. We want to prayerfully deal with this so their hearts will soften and they can be reconciled and restored. This is what God desires.

Question 10

a. What would be the results in your church or Christian fellowship if Jesus’ instructions in the passage were followed?

Stronger relationships.

More of Christ’s blessings which would be result of faithfulness and obedience to him.

b. What will be the result in your church if we ignore or shortcut the process?

Bitterness, passive aggressive back-biting, broken relationships.

God’s displeasure

Ask God for the courage to go those who sin against you - and the humility to go with grace.

Bonus Application Questions

a. What steps can you take to begin to restore any broken relationship in your life?

Talk to the person who wronged against you, even if it’s long since past so that you can clear the air and set things right. That person may even be hurt you didn’t trust them enough to confront them. It may help heal the relationship at an even deeper level.

b. What person might be able to give you wise guidance in that process?

TM Moore and many of the books I have on the topic.

Keith Allen, who actually practiced this and got in trouble for it.

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