Trust & Marriage
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Gottman Book Statistics:
(About 67 percent of couples experience a large drop in marital satisfaction in the three years after the birth of their first baby.)
Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (Kindle Locations 129-130). Potter/TenSpeed/Harmony. Kindle Edition.
Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (Kindle Locations 129-130). Potter/TenSpeed/Harmony. Kindle Edition.
John Gottman has been studying marriages for over 40 years. He began the Gottman Institute and has the Gottman form of therapy for marriages. He believes that he can predict a divorce within 91% accuracy rate.
When we think about marriage, you cannot help but think about trust. Trust is the confidence we place in the other individual. It is not only important for marriages, but trust is also important for relationships in general.
The importance of trust and commitment to success in love seems so self-evident that you might assume that studying these qualities scientifically would be of little added benefit. - Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (Kindle Locations 520-521). Potter/TenSpeed/Harmony. Kindle Edition.
Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (Kindle Locations 520-521). Potter/TenSpeed/Harmony. Kindle Edition.
Most men will proclaim every one his own goodness:
But a faithful man who can find?
Trustworthiness is critical, but why is it critical in marriage? We can say that it is critical because:
(i) You have to believe that the spouse is going to be true to you.
(ii) You have to be able to believe that your spouse will not take advantage of you.
(iii) You have to be able to trust who is caring for your children.
(iv) You have to be able to trust you has your heart.
In the end of all of this, we can at least agree that trust is important for any and all relationships to flourish. What provides this all-necessary trust?
(a) Some might say that the right words help to build trust
(b) Some might say that the right gifts help to build trust
(c) Some might say that the right activities help to build trust.
I would say to you that trust for marriage begins in a far different place. Trust in the marital relationship begins with God.
Proposition: Trust in our relationships begins with the Lord.
Marriage is of God.
Let’s begin simply: The fact that Adam and Eve are together is by God’s doing.
Let’s understand why this matters. Since God is the Designer, when marriage is accomplished according to the Designer, the Designer gets the glory/credit.
Adam had complete trust in God.
Couple significant things here:
(1) Adam (by his verbal response) is confirming that eh’s confident in God’s work.
(2) Adam is confirming that this is different from what was missing in all of the rest of creation.
And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.
From Adam’s response, we see that marriage is fundamentally based on trust/faith in God.
Why is this important?
Trust/faith in God is important because in our culture, techniques and efficiency are priority, but when you have technique and efficiency without the right foundation, the relationship is doomed to ultimately fail.
Fail at what? The marriage is doomed to fail at the ultimate purpose of marriage - which is to bring glory to the One who created marriage.
Trust/faith in God is important because it is easy to place faith in other people and other things and consider those things to be the foundation of the relationships (even in ourselves).
And he spake this parable unto certain which trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others:
What is the difference between a happy marriage that does not trust/faith God and a happy couple that does have faith/trust in God? Aren’t both of them equal? If they are the same, then why say anything about God and marriage, if we can get the same result without God?
First, marriage has eternal significance; so, a couple who is rooted in the Lord aspires to point to the ULTIMATE marriage. A couple who does not know the Lord cannot really point to an eternal reason for their marriage.
Second, a marriage requires an unshakeable foundation. This unshakeable foundation motivates the couple to love each other in a stable, Christ-exalting way. It is a motive that is outside of themselves ultimately. A couple who does not have faith in the Lord as the foundation of the union must resolve to alternate “reasons” why they want to have a good marriage. Here are some alternate motivates that some people have for their marriages:
They want to have a good marriage so they could be happy and not miserable.
They want to have a good marriage so that the kids could see a happy marriage.
They want to have a good marriage so that they can leave the world a better place.
Each of these examples all presuppose a standard of morality. What is the basis of this standard? Why have a good marriage at all?
Secondly, if “happiness” is the goal, then won’t people make what they do towards their spouse a means to their own happiness. “Make your wife happy, so you have have a peaceful life?!?!”
Each motive is self-fulfilling and selfish, at best.
Transition:
What we see then is that trust in God is foundational for marriage. Adam had perfect confidence in God.
Marriage is a real union that is to be lived out - leaving, cleaving, and weaving.
Because God is the creator of Marriage...
And because the foundation of the marriage covenant is trusting God Himself
Adam, with full assurance recognizes a real union that...
Moses understands to be the standard for all marriage unions: leaving, cleaving, weaving. (these are actually the words of God - ).
Marriage should be a place of trust in the Lord.
Notice the complete trust that existed
Notice that there was security that was ultimately rooted not in their appearances but in the Lord.
What we want to clearly affirm:
Marriage is founded upon trust in God. This trust in God leads to security and trust before each other.
Secondly, relationships should be viewed this way as well. Security in God should lead to trust and security in each other.
Why is this order important?
It is important because you may not always be able to trust in your spouse, but you can always trust in God.
Few Application
The foundation of their marriage crumbled when Adam & Eve no longer trusted God.
What led to this?
There were alternative beliefs available.
Deception and decision-making both led to the Fall.
Why does this matter?
It matters because when unbelief enters into a relationship, the very foundation of the relationship is at stake.
The consequences of broken trust in God are devastating.
Adam & Eve can no longer trust the acceptance they had with each other.
In the first case, I am self-conscious of my body and I feel vulnerable to shame because I know Eve has chosen to be independent from God....She is essentially now a selfish person. From this day forward, she will put herself first. She is no longer a servant. So she is not safe. And I feel vulnerable around her, because she is very likely to put me down if that puts her up. So suddenly my nakedness is precarious. I don’t trust her anymore to love me with pure, covenant-keeping love. That’s one source of shame and self-consciousness. The other source is that Adam himself, not just his spouse, has broken covenant with God. If she is rebellious and selfish, and therefore unsafe, so am I. But the way I experience it in myself is that I feel defiled and guilty and unworthy. That’s, in fact, what I am. Before the Fall, what was and what ought to have been were the same. But now, what is and what ought to be are not the same. Piper, John. This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence (Kindle Locations 430-434). Crossway. Kindle Edition.
Adam & Eve can no longer trust the acceptance they had with the LORD. Fright has entered in. See
Trust that we are accepted by our partner is crucial for marriage. It is an acceptance that we want and, in many cases, and acceptance that we need.
Piper, John. This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence (Kindle Locations 435-438). Crossway. Kindle Edition. Piper, John. This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence (Kindle Locations 430-434). Crossway. Kindle Edition.
Piper, John. This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence (Kindle Locations 430-434). Crossway. Kindle Edition.
Piper, John. This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence (Kindle Locations 430-434). Crossway. Kindle Edition.
The deepest hurt that happens when a spouse argues with you is not the issue at hand, but it os the fact that their person is rejecting you. The deepest hurt about infidelity is that, at it’s core, it’s a rejection of your spouse for the acceptance of another.
Trust, acceptance, security is destroyed.
In Gottman’s material, he sites 4 horsemen of the Apocolypes in marriage: Criticism. He distinguishes criticism from complaint in this manner. Complaint is when when voice your problem about the issue. Criticism is when you voice our problem with the person/character of the individual. Here is an example:
Here are some other examples that show the difference between complaint and criticism. Complaint. There’s no gas in the car. I’m upset that you didn’t fill it up like you said you would. Could you please deal with it tomorrow? Criticism. Why can’t you ever remember anything? I told you a thousand times to fill up the tank, and you didn’t. You’re always so careless. - Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (Kindle Locations 656-660). Potter/TenSpeed/Harmony. Kindle Edition.
Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (Kindle Locations 656-660). Potter/TenSpeed/Harmony. Kindle Edition.
This is where the danger enters into humanities’ response.
We somehow have a default thinking that we can earn or cause the other person to earn our trust back. We teach humanistic measures try to build trust in relationships. I am not saying that practical steps to regain trust are not important; but those steps must not be where you begin. They are 'fig leaves' that leave you reminded of the righteousness that is NOT there. The reason is that human covenant relationship/trust must be founded upon trust/relationship with God.
We somehow have a default thinking that we can earn or cause the other person to earn our trust back. We teach humanistic measures try to build trust in relationships.
I am not saying that practical steps to regain trust are not important; but those steps must not be where you begin. They are 'fig leaves' that leave you reminded of the righteousness that is NOT there.
The reason is that human covenant relationship/trust must be founded upon trust/relationship with God.
A particular trust must be restored in a particular manner.
In spite of the lack of trust they have for God, God GRACIOUSLY provides.
In spite of the lack of trust they have for God, God GRACIOUSLY provides for both of them. (No household salvation here)
In spite of the lack of trust they have for God, God provides for them - thereby
(i) showing Himself to be trustworthy
(ii) allowing them to live in trust with each other.
Clearly, God's provision in Jesus Christ is the ultimate provision that provides the clothing necessary to be completely secure before Christ and before each other.
Concluding thoughts:
Concluding thoughts:
The foundation of marriage must be the Lord himself, meaning that your TRUST is ultimately in Him.
We are not trusting the Lord when we are trying to coerce, manipulate, or deceive our spouses into our agenda.
A nagging wife is evidence of NOT trusting the Lord
Hurtful communication is evidence of NOT trusting the Lord
Mal-characterization is evidence of NOT trusting the Lord.
God has proven His trustworthiness by providing clothing for us that we did not deserve - the righteousness of Jesus Christ.
The righteousness of Jesus Christ allows us to be secure before the Lord. We can continually and fully trust in the finished work of Jesus Christ.
The first response of any believers in all marriages is to affirm the gospel in your own heart again.
The gospel is the measure of forgiveness
The gospel is the measure of our submission…etc , ,
For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps: Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously:
Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
The security we have with God because of Jesus Christ enables us to live securely and graciously towards each other. , , , , ,
In whom ye also trusted, after that ye heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation: in whom also after that ye believed, ye were sealed with that holy Spirit of promise, Which is the earnest of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, unto the praise of his glory.
That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man; That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love,
That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.
And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour.
And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit; Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord; Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.