Happy Father's Day
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Intro, prayer, housekeeping
Happy Father’s Day!
I struggled, and struggled to write this sermon. While the topic may seem simple - fatherhood (as any of us fathers sitting here tonight can attest to) is anything but simple. Dads, future dads, granddads (and the same for the ladies here) my goal tonight is to encourage you and challenge you to be a godly father.
I distinctly remember - roughly 22 years ago - an aunt and uncle of mine sitting me down when Caleb was on the way to give me a parenting “pep talk.” It was short, it was simple, yet it was profound… they said, “Parenting ain’t for “petunias” - and petunias isn’t really what they said, but the word they used isn’t really appropriate for a church setting. I have never forgotten that “talk.” It was so true - because parenting/fatherhood ain’t for petunias. And it is not getting easier as the years pass by.
Unlike the culture of 50 or 60 years ago, our culture today says that fathers are not important, that they are weak, bumbling, dumb, passive and uninvolved - essentially that fathers are giant 3 year olds - mom is the real parent, dads are just along for the ride.
Dads - you are so much more than that - you are crucial to the health of your family.
Being a father is one of the most frightening yet exciting, incredibly difficult yet enjoyable, drudging but oh so rewarding, costly but immeasurably profitable and meaningful roles in life.
Consisting of part provider, part disciplinarian, part comforter, part helper, part teacher, part counselor, part friend - the role of dad is a “jack of all trades” profession. It is a life-long endeavour that often leaves one feeling like there is never enough time.
In short, being a dad is a really big deal.
In scripture, the role of dad is the third responsibility/job of Adam. Adam first learned to work and support himself, then he became a husband and learned how to care for and partner with his wife, then, and only then, he became a father.
I don’t believe it is a coincidence, or a mere haphazard literary device, that the history of fatherhood appears in this order. A boy must become a man and learn to provide for and care for himself; once he has accomplished that, then he must learn to provide for and care for his wife. Not only must he learn to provide for and care for his wife, he must learn to trust and rely on his wife to fill in those gaps where he has weaknesses, to make him whole - as the husband and wife are one, they are a team - an inseparable team.
Only then is a man prepared to be a father, to teach a son (mostly by modeling) how to be a man and a husband and teach a daughter what a man and husband looks like (the inverse is true for mothers and daughters).
As I have said many times before, the job of a husband is to lay down his life, to lift up his wife, so she can bring glory to God; and the converse is true, the job of a wife is to lay down her life, to lift up her husband, so he can bring glory to God.
While this “laying down ones life” looks different for both the husband and the wife, it is not optional for a married couple. See Ephesians 5. When husbands and wives do this for one another, it creates a healthy, stable, gospel-centric environment for raising children.
Parenting is not a solo sport. Children need their mothers and fathers equally, but in different ways.
I do not say this to denigrate, lessen or cast a shadow on the incredible sacrifices made by single parents or their competence to parent - but a mother can never replace a father and a father can never replace a mother - no matter what culture says.
So, my goal today dads/fathers, is to encourage you to remember that you are crucial to the health and well-being of your children. While there are many aspects to being a good father, I’m only going to touch on Jay’s top 5 today - these thoughts are born out of my experiences as a father - and I hope that you find some encouragement and usefulness in them:
1. First and foremost - you must care for your child’s mother well (whether she is your wife, ex-wife, or the woman who is your child’s mother). I know the idea of caring for your ex-wife, or the woman who is your child’s mother, is foreign to our culture, but like I said before, parenting is not a solo sport.
To the extent you are able (especially if mom has primary custody of the child), make life easier for your child’s mom. If you were married to her, parenting would be difficult - it would require sacrifice, communication, involvement, caring and support (along with grace, mercy and forgiveness) - it isn’t any less-so because you are not married. Your children, to the extent you are able make it happen, need to see their parents working together as a team for their benefit.
Fathers, whether or not they are husbands, ex-husbands, or just a father, are called to sacrifice to provide the best environment they can for their children - and that best environment almost always starts with caring for the child’s mother well.
There needs to be unity - even if the parents are not a couple. When my children were young, one of the early lessons they learned was that before they were my children, Tina was my wife - and you don’t mess with dad’s wife. If you disrespect or disobey her - you are going to be answering to her husband and you are not going to like it.
I didn’t say that to frighten them, but so they had a clear understanding that mom and dad are a team - if you go after one, you are going after them both. Battling with mom and dad will always be a 2 to 1 equation - a situation you don’t want to find yourself in.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,
Our children knew that dad had mom’s back, and mom had dad’s back. Dads - I cannot stress how important this is and it doesn’t matter whether you are married, divorced, or were never married. Care for your child’s mother well.
2. Give time.
We’ve all heard it so many times it has become cliche - I don’t spend quantity time with my family, but I make sure I spend quality time with them. Dads - quantity of time directly correlates to the quality of your relationship with your children. Do not fool yourself or buy into the cultural lie - if you do not spend time with your children, someone, or something else, will.
I am not talking about being a “helicopter parent.” Your children (obviously as appropriate to their age) need to have room to explore on their own and fail on their own. They need to experience risk, and they need to have the opportunity to make ever increasingly complex decisions and important decisions as they grow.
(re-click Give Time slide)
What is important is that you are present and available to answer their questions as they learn and grow - to teach them, and guide them and lead them and to correlate what God’s word says into real-world living - to train them. You need to be present and available to help them up when they fall, to stand by their side as they try and sometimes fail.
With the exception of work, if you spend more time away from your children than with your children, you need to reevaluate your priorities. This doesn’t mean you are spending all your non-work time playing with them, but if you are gone from your home most weekends - without your wife and children - because of some hobby you have, you have a problem with your priorities.
It is also important that you make special time to spend with each of your children - Dads take your daughters on a date - take your sons out for “guy time.”
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
For the season your children are under your direct care, make them a priority - don’t make them the center of your universe - but make them a priority. Be there to tuck them into bed at night; be there for the ball games (or band, or choir, or whatever activity they enjoy); be waiting to welcome them home when they’ve been out with friends on a Saturday night. Be there for them. Doing so will give them a firm foundation for life and cultivate a relationship of trust that will serve you well as you parent for the rest of your life and their lives.
3. Speak kindly. Apologize Quickly.
Words matter. The old adage “sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me” is simply untrue. Words spoken in haste or anger can, and do, cause deep wounds and have long-lasting impacts.
There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Both mothers and fathers - but especially fathers - can crush their children with a word. Unlike with the rest of the world, you child’s soul is laid open and bare before you - instinctively there are no walls, no defenses, just an innocent trust that you won’t hurt them (no matter how bad they are behaving).
When you violate that trust (and you will - every parent has) the wounds cut quick and they cut deep. Don’t deceive yourself thinking - they’ll get over it - no, they won’t.
It is your job, Dads, to bring healing; it is your job to admit when you are wrong, to own your mistake, apologize, say you are sorry, ask for forgiveness and restore your relationship with your child in love. A bad parenting situation is usually a two-way street - not always, but oftentimes, a particular situation is the result of a child doing something there are not supposed to - being disobedient - and you are tired, or annoyed, or already upset about something else which ends up with you responding in anger instead of love. You end up doing or saying something or responding in a way you wish you hadn’t.
When that happens (not if it happens), one of the most important lessons you can model for your child is own your mistakes and make it right. Don’t dig your heels in, don’t let your pride get the best of you - show them what it means to follow Jesus - that we all fail sometimes and we all need forgiveness; ask for it.
4. Discipline wisely.
Though many books have been written on the topic and it has been the subject of much debate and disagreement, I’m going to keep this short. Whether you disagree with corporal punishment (i.e. spanking), or you believe that it has a useful purpose in limited circumstances, discipline needs to be consistent and come from a mindset of love and not anger. Disciplining from a mindset of love is not easy - as every parent can attest to - but it very important.
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Pick your battles - if you try to control every aspect of your child’s life, one of two things is going to happen - you will break their spirit in order to make them docile and compliant, or, you will set the stage for perpetual anger and fighting - neither of these scenarios are healthy or productive. To speak a cliche - don’t sweat the small stuff.
And, lastly on this topic, never bargain with your children for obedience. Bargaining with your children for obedience sets the stage for them thinking they can bargain with God for obedience - or that by somehow doing good works God will be pleased with them, or worse yet, that God owes them for their “good behavior.”
Be consistent, pick your battles, and never bargain for obedience.
And last, but certainly not least...
5. Love unconditionally. [chesed]
Dads, know that your children need your love, your unconditional love, to thrive. The culture we live in makes almost everything conditional.
I’ll be happy if… you give me what I want.
I’ll help you if… you do something for me first.
I’ll forgive you if… you say you’re sorry 5 times while standing on your left foot during a strawberry moon.
And the absolute worst -
I’ll love you if…
Dads, your children need to know you love them unconditionally - it is imperative, it is not optional. You need to say the words “I love you” and you need to show “I love you” with your actions (I’m not talking about spoiling your child - money is not a substitute for love). This includes something as simple as saying “I love you” each time before you leave the house (explain why)
Your children owe you nothing for your unconditional love - that’s why its called unconditional love.
If you are always looking for something in return before you give, stop.
but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
God didn’t say, “If you clean up your act, if you do better, if you get it all together - then I will love you.” No, God said “I love you” in word and deed - without condition - He made a way for every human being to come to Him - not because of what we have done, but because of His character, because of what He did on our behalf, because He is a Father who loves unconditionally.
This love of God is chesed love.
What is desired in a man is steadfast love, and a poor man is better than a liar.
What is desired in a man is steadfast love [chesed]...
We did a whole sermon on God’s chesed love last Christmas, so I’m not going to repeat it today, but for those who may not have been here -
One of the most frequent forms of the word love in the OT is – CHESED.
Hesed is a word that gives English translators fits. There is not a 1:1 equivalency between the Hebrew and English. It is difficult, if not impossible, to fully convey its meaning of Hesed in English. So, throughout the OT you will find it translated many different ways. I reviewed every way it was translated by the ESV, NIV, KJV and NET bibles and here is what I found: It was translated
Love · Unfailing Love · Steadfast Love · Covenant of Love · Lovingkindness · Kindness · Great Kindness · Marvelous Kindness · Loyalty · Merciful · Faithfully · Favor · Devotion · Fidelity · Goodness
Hesed is a covenantal, relational term – it only applies to those who are in a relationship – parent/child, siblings, other family and friends; it represents a type of loyalty or fidelity or devotion that leads to or is related to concrete actions. Here’s what I mean by that: unfailingness, steadfastness, kindness, loyalty, mercy, faithfulness, devotion - these are all active character traits, they are not passive, they are all actions.
What is desired in a man is steadfast love, and a poor man is better than a liar.
Dads, [and Granddads!] we must follow God’s lead and love unconditionally.
The sense of loyalty and faithfulness you will impart to your children by giving unconditional love - chesed love - will be the most important foundation for your child’s understanding of their relationship to their Heavenly Father, their future spouse, and your future grandchildren, great grandchildren and your great great grandchildren. [stop, emphasize] Unconditional love, chesed love, can and should be your greatest legacy.
So, to bring this to a close today...
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.
Sons, Daughters, Mothers, Dads, Future Dads, Granddads, Grandmas, we are all human, we are all going to make mistakes, screw things up from time to time, fail, say things we don’t mean, say things we shouldn’t, do things we shouldn’t - all for a thousand different reasons.
This concept of unconditional love, chesed love, is the key to overcoming our failings and shortcomings and living in unity and faithfulness and forgiveness and grace and mercy and love both in our immediate families, in our extended families, and in our heavenly family - the Body of Christ, the Church.
The order of these thoughts, 1-5, was intentional. (primacy - recency effect) This is why I spoke of caring for your child’s mother well first, and unconditional love last - because I want you to remember them- if you do those two things, Giving Time, Speaking Kindly and Disciplining Wisely will be much easier.
Fathers - parenting ain’t for petunias, we need to forgive quickly, laugh easily, give freely and love unconditionally - in short, be a good, good father - like your Heavenly Father.
Prayer