Reversing the Curse: Marriage
Notes
Transcript
Introduction
Introduction
We are continuing our series on Ephesians this morning, and last week we introduced this short section right near the end of the letter where Paul is talking to the church how to walk out life with Jesus in your relationships.
Last Sunday, we explored the key word that unlocks the missional way of Jesus in the everyday. If you want to live like Jesus, it’s all about...
Submission. And in our day and age, submission is a dirty word. It’s about denying yourself in a world where affirming and validating yourself is the most important thing you can do. But as followers of Jesus, we commit to a different way, where we deny ourselves and love others. As Christians, we have experienced more life, more love, more freedom, more power and provision than all others who walk outside of God’s gracious kingdom. And all of that has come to us because Jesus performed the ultimate act of submission two thousand years ago, when he gave up his position of authority and rule and chose to save humanity by serving it instead of subjugating it. So, as the extension of Jesus, as his body, we point to that saving work every time we, as a freed and loved people, choose submission over subjugation, because Jesus’ submission enables our submission.
Here’s our working definition that I gave you last week (I added an extra word). Submission is: freely putting myself in a position to bring about your greatest good.
Paul is going to show how this works itself out in your everyday life, and he is going to start with the most central and meaningful relationship a person can have. Marriage: Husbands and wives. And according to Paul, this marriage relationship, more than any other, is perhaps the most evangelistic opportunity you have to communicate the true message of the gospel to a broken world.
PRAY
Ladies, Lift Up Your Lads
Ladies, Lift Up Your Lads
Just a quick reminder here before we get going: Paul has something to say directly to wives and to husbands. So I need you to resist the urge to poke your partner in the ribs or give the sly eye. Paul speaks to wives, not to wives through their husbands. Paul speaks to husbands, not to husbands through their wives. Take this opportunity to evaluate your own heart, your own desires, your own role in the relationship, and ask yourself, how can I put myself in a position to bring about my partner’s greatest good?
If you are hoping to learn how to get your wife to submit more, or your husband to lead and love better, then you are here for the wrong reasons. If power and control are your aim, then you will subjugate your spouse and sabotage your marriage. And Jesus will have nothing to do with it, no matter how picturesque it looks on the outside.
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives are to submit to their husbands in everything.
So wives, we start with you first. Why? Because Paul did. But also remember that Paul is showing how Jesus reverses the curse of Genesis 3. Ever since the fall, God says that humans turn inward upon their own desires and seek to use others for selfish gains. So women desire to consume men, to take from them what they want. And men will seek to dominate and rule. Husbands and wives will fight for authority, and marriages will become about personal gain: what am I getting out of this relationship? What’s my return on investment here?
Jesus changes all of this.
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. There’s a couple words and phrases here that I think are super important to understand here and help us define exactly what this looks like. And the big word here is the word kephale, meaning “head.” Now, our modern-day English leads us to the conclusion that head means authority or leader, like the head of the company or an organization. But that’s not what Paul’s getting at here. Ultimately, kephale isn’t a word of authority, it’s a word of unity.
Let’s test this out in real time. Everybody raise your hand right now. We know from biology that the body moves because the brain relays synapses throughout the nervous system, triggering muscles and movements in this highly complex process. The trigger from your head led to your hand going up in the air.
But really, your hand went up because it’s part of you. Your body is one, and in unity and purpose, your hand “submitted” to your head.
That’s what Paul is saying here. Husbands and wives are one. And the goal of the Jesus-modeled household is to be in unity of heart and purpose, loving and trusting and moving as one.
Something I love about this teaching on marriage by Paul is that he spends more time talking about Jesus than he does your marriage. And that’s because the relationship that Jesus has with his church becomes the healthy model for your marriage. Jesus is the head of the church, and we are his body. Again, is head authority language here? Keep reading. He is the Savior of the body—meaning through Jesus, the church finds life and peace and satisfaction and wholeness. Eph. 1-3 tells that story! Jesus unifies the body of the church through his gracious gifts and love, and he empowers the church to partner with him on mission. And as his body, Paul says we are growing into the head in maturity—basically, we mature into like-minded, like-hearted extensions of him.
Paul says, that’s what I want from your marriages. Wives, you are free from that desire to consume your husbands. So use that freedom to partner with him on mission, to serve him. He’s following Jesus, he’s experiencing life and love and freedom, and when you line up with him on the same path, you receive the same life and love and freedom.
One commentator rephrases this passage in his own words, which I really love:
Wives, submit to your own husbands as you submit to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, and therefore they are unified as one body, just like Christ and the church. When the wife submits to her husband, it’s as if she is submitting to herself. Moreover, Christ, the Savior of the church, is the head of the church, that is, the source of the church’s life and growth. As the church receives all that Christ has to give, so the wife should receive all that her husband gives for her benefit. Plus, she should seek to serve him as an expression of love. ~Mark Roberts
Now, practically, what does this look like? Here’s the thing: it doesn’t say. There are no examples for what this looks like. And this is the most in-depth teaching on marriage in the entire Bible! So that silence means we take what is said as truth and we use wisdom and our freedom in Christ to work out the rest.
Does this look like you follow five steps behind your husband all the time? Does this mean you do whatever your husband tells you to do and he makes all the decisions in your household and you have to dress and speak and act however he decides? Use wisdom, but I personally take a different route here. Women in our church, you have been given amazing gifts from the Spirit. And not just hospitality—I do not believe the gifts of the Spirit are gender-specific. You are prophets and counselors and teachers, prayer warriors and vision-castors. God has gifted our church family with wise, educated, inspiring women. And you get to use those gifts to build up and strengthen and encourage the church to find its life and hope and joy in Jesus. And if you are married, you have the ultimate opportunity to use those same gifts to build up and strengthen and encourage your spouse, in every way. Wives, serve your husbands as to the Lord.
With those last few words, I want to add a quick caveat. The Bible never asks you to submit to abusive or absent husbands. You line up with Jesus, and if your husband lines up with Jesus, amazing. If he cannot or will not line up with Jesus, you keep following Christ with everything you got; and that means the way you position yourself to bring about your husband’s good will not be in partnership with him. It may be at a safe distance. We do not advocate staying in violent or abusive relationships that will destroy you and push you further away from life with Christ. We will not tolerate that here. John Mark Comer says that marriage is a safe place for men and women to return to the garden and work together to show the world the image of God, to show how captivating God really is. We need you to be safe, first and foremost. And in a way, that leads to the next point…
Lads, Love Your Ladies
Lads, Love Your Ladies
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. He did this to present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, since we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church.
Really quick, I just want you to notice something here. Paul devotes twice the space to address the sacrificial charge to husbands than he does to wives. Three verses for women, eight for men. We get stuck on the word submission for wives, but men, your wives will happily position themselves for your good when you are firmly aligned with the cruciform way of Jesus, when you love and die for your wife daily.
We were meeting up with a young couple recently that does not follow Jesus, but they respect our marriage and came to us for help. And the husband starts talking about how his wife needs this and that from him and he doesn’t understand why she can’t just be fine with what they’ve got! And I told them the same thing I would tell any man, whether he loves Jesus or not: what’s your attitude toward your wife? Would you die for her? I don’t mean take a bullet for her in a dark alleyway. I mean would you let go of your impulse to fill your weekend with video games and nights out with friends so you can give a hour of dedicated, face-to-face time with your kids? Would you change your self-oriented spending habits so that you can budget for a home and a safe vehicle? When we started breaking down what he wife truly needed, it was for him to grow up from the Peter Pan life he was living and start thinking of others, namely, those closest to him?
What his was asking from him, and it’s a big ask, was for him to love her and give himself up for her, Just like Jesus did for the church. Again, non-believers, outside of Christian community.
Loving your wife is more than words, it’s more than romantic feelings, it’s more than sexual expression and gratification.
Love is about dying to yourself so that your wife can live. It’s interesting: that word kephale, head, has the idea of source, like the headwaters of a river. Basically what that means that is that you are charged here, men, with being a source of life and refreshment to your wives. Instead of dominating them, or ruling over them like you are prone to do since the fall, you now are working to bring empower and sustain your wife, to bring joy and light and encouragement to her.
Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. He did this to present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless. What is Paul saying here? Is it the husband’s job to sanctify his wife and preach at her so that she can submit better, just like Jesus does to us? Read closer.
Jesus does this amazing work in the church. Jesus preaches a message of good news, of freedom and love and reconciliation. He serves, he heals, he dies, he gives life, he gives grace, he satisfies. Everything Jesus does is a servant-like sacrifice so that the world may see a people, like you and me, who are deeply loved and cherished and cared for, who are so fully of joy and contentment and hope, who are daily blown away by the fact that Jesus, despite every power and authority due him, chooses to make himself last and put us first, who somehow considered us to be important, and considered our best interests ahead of his own (Phil. 2:3-4).
Husbands, you model that to the world in how you love your wife. Zach had posted a quote on social media the other day from DL Moody which I’m totally stealing right here:
If a man doesn’t treat his wife right, I don’t want to hear him talk about Christianity.
That’s 100% true. Your witness to Christ is summed up in your ability to love your wife well. Do you put her first, do you encourage her, lift her up, show grace and mercy? Do you make her feel loved and cherished? Do you expose her flaws to the world, or do you seek to bring about healing and wholeness? Would you say to the world, look at my bride; I would give up anything for her!?
Husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, since we are members of his body. Again, if we are to talk about what it looks like to be “heads” it doesn’t look like making your wife do what you want to do, to accomplish your own goals and plans, to make you look better, to stay home and dress nice and care for your kids and prop up your feet when you get home. This isn’t some “king of the castle” theology. In fact, it’s turning the human propensity to rule others on its head.
You don’t hate your body. You love your body. Not in some weird way, but that means you don’t abuse or neglect yourself if you are truly taking care of yourself. You eat healthy, you exercise well, you don’t inflict pain on yourself, but you seek healing. Paul says look, your wife is your body, treat her the same way.
For me, that means paying attention to Bethany. Listening carefully to the cues she leaves. Is she feeling neglected? I gotta put date night on the calendar. Is she worn down and beat up? I gotta step up and take care of things with the house and the kids so that she can get some rest. Did my careless words and actions hurt her and make her feel unsafe and unable to be vulnerable around me? I gotta admit I was wrong and get some accountability or counseling and work hard to earn that trust. A good husband doesn’t assert his authority over his wife; a good husband does not consider his head more important than his body, but uses his head to consider his body more important.
For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. Paul’s quoting Genesis 2:24, where woman made from the source of man (the kephale, if you will), and man looks at her and says, this is my body, my own flesh and bone, we are one. You are worth leaving behind my comforts, my security, my own identity, to be united with you and to care for you as my own flesh. I will give up everything for you. And then Paul drops the hammer. Our sold-out commitment to our wives preaches the good news of Jesus to the world. A Jesus who leaves his father, his authority, his kingship, to be united with his bride and to give up his life to make them one. Husbands, you have no greater model than to live like this for your spouse.
To Sum Up…
To Sum Up…
To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband.
This is how Paul ends it. Men, love your wives like your own bodies. Women, respect your husbands like your own head. Never give up on this pursuit.
At this point, you may be looking at your own situation and thinking, that’s all well and good, but it doesn’t apply to me. And you might have different reasons for that:
You’ aren’t married, so nothing I said applies to you.
Your spouse is failing at all the stuff I just said, so you don’t have to anything until they fix their stuff first.
Your spouse is not a believer, and this only applies to Christians.
Listen, I never said this would be perfect. I’m not promising that you’ll never have problems or concern anymore if you choose this path. What I am saying is that following Jesus means letting go of your right to rule so that you can serve. And if you aren’t married, then serve your community, your friends, your church, your neighbors. The call to love your neighbor as yourself applies here. If your spouse is not respectful or kind or loving or self-less, that’s not a free pass. Preach the gospel by giving up your gain for the sake of theirs. Be filled with the stuff of heaven, let that satisfy you, and choose submission for their sake. Your spouse isn’t a believer? I pray they can Jesus through you.
But man, when it all works together? Husbands and wives mutually submitting and loving and giving up themselves for the sake of the other? Partnering together in the mission of Jesus and experiencing the fullness of life that he offers? We preach the reality of heaven every time we walk that out.
PRAY