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UNDERSTANDING YOUR HUSBAND'S DEEPEST NEEDS
The Secrets of a Satisfying Marriage - Part 7 of 12
I Corinthians 7:3
Author: Kay Warren
Speaker: Penny Earls
Prayer:
Father, I thank You for creating us, women.
I thank You for the very special role and abilities that You have given us as women.
We join together as one tonight, asking You to show us Your truth.
I pray that each woman here will be able to sift through the things that I share and glean for herself truth that she can apply in her own life.
Father, I pray that hearts will be open.
You, above all people, know the condition of our hearts.
You know the places where we're already defensive and not willing to listen or to hear.
Some are here grudgingly, some are here out of desperation.
Each one comes with a different need.
Thank You that You will meet us tonight at that point of need and show us exactly what we need to do to be the women and the wives that you intended us to be.
We ask Your blessing on this time.
Give us ears to here.
In Jesus' name.
Amen.
Fifteen years ago this year this June, I stood holding hands in a church in Norwalk, California with a tall, skinny, long haired, hippish looking young man named Rick Warren.
At that time I vowed to love, honor and obey him until death do us part.
Many of you made that very same vow at some point in your life.
I had no idea what that involved.
I had read all kinds of books on marriage.
I was determined to be a good wife.
I was a perfectionist and I was going to be the perfect wife.
I knew I would be the one who set the trail for everyone else, so I read every book I could find on marriage.
I talked to people about what it meant to be married and be a good wife.
I read the Scriptures.
I prayed.
I did everything I knew how to do.
But I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
It quickly became clear on our honeymoon that Rick and I had totally different ideas of what marriage was all about.
I had my expectations.
A romantic interlude.
Rick, on the other hand, thought that marriage involved having a daily quiet time together and making love every day.
That was marriage in a nutshell for him.
In my immaturity and his immaturity we thought we knew what marriage was all about.
As I said, on the honeymoon, it didn't take us long to figure out we had conflicting needs and expectations of marriage.
By the time we got back from our honeymoon people would ask "How was your honeymoon?"
What were we supposed to say? "It was awful!
I saved myself for this?"
Most people don't like to hear that kind of response.
Thus began two and a half years of very quiet, but very desperate, agony for both of us.
We had no idea how to get along.
We were as incompatible as any two people could be.
What had started out as dreams of a wonderful marriage and one that would hit the record books for being fantastic ended in shear torture in a very short period of time.
I wish that Dr. Harley's book His Needs/Her Needs had been available.
As Rick and I, fifteen years later, read that book together both of us have found things we feel, but never knew how to put into words.
The other would say, "That'show you feel?
I didn't know that!"
It an excellent book.
I don't agree 100% with it but I highly recommend it to you.
It's the basis for what we're going to be talking about tonight on how to meet the deepest needs of your husband.
I Cor.
7:3 "A man should fulfill his duty as a husband and a woman should fulfill her duty as a wife and each should satisfy the other's needs."
Dr. Harley is a Christian psychologist who directs a network of mental health clinics in Minnesota.
In the past 25 years as a marriage counselor, he has interviewed thousands of couples and discovered the ten most important needs of husbands and wives.
They are discussed in his book.
I don't agree with absolutely everything.
You and your husband may not fit exactly in the categories we're going to be talking about.
That's OK.
This is just based in general.
This is not necessarily you and your husband specifically.
It is based on Dr. Harley's studies over the years of thousands of couples.
He's identified the ten basic needs of men and women.
Each of us have these ten basic needs.
It's just that certain of them are more concentrated in men generally and certain of them are more concentrated in women generally.
Don't see what is not true for you and therefore discount everything I'm going to say.
These are general principles.
Ask God where you need to adjust them in your own marriage.
The ten basic needs for men that Dr. Harley has identified:
1. Sexual fulfillment
2. Recreational companionship
3.
An attractive spouse
4. Domestic support
5. Admiration
Dr. Harley has found the five deepest needs of women are in this order:
1. Affection
2. Conversation
3. Honesty and openness
4. Financial security
5. Family commitment
Do you see where these lists overlap anyplace?
No.
They do not.
Because those deepest needs of men and the deepest needs of women, in general, do not correspond, inevitably there is conflict from the beginning.
What usually happens in marriages is that men, knowing their deepest needs, figure a woman has those same needs.
So he enthusiastically goes at it trying to meet the deepest needs he thinks she has.
A woman knows her deepest needs and she figures a man must have the same needs and she goes at it with all her might trying to meet her needs in him.
This only leads to a lot of frustration.
We accuse each other of being selfish -- "You won't meet my needs.
You won't do what I need.
You won't take care of me."
It's not so much selfishness as ignorance.
I had no idea that my husband was so different than I was.
And I don't mean just in personality but in basic needs.
He had no idea that I, as his wife, had so many needs different from him.
Both of us began in earnest 15 years ago trying to meet my need in him and his need in me -- it didn't work.
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