Words that Harm
Words to Live By • Sermon • Submitted
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· 7 viewsIt takes discernment to know when not to speak.
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ME: Intro - Contradictions
ME: Intro - Contradictions
A little over a year ago,
My good buddy, John Sanford, and I went skiing.
It was a great day with a less than great ending.
On our last trip down,
Both of us mistakenly went off trail,
Fortunately for me, I face planted into the snow and was just a little shook up.
John, however, fell sideways on his shoulder,
Ended up breaking his collarbone, I think it was in 11 places.
But John, if you could, wave your arms for us all.
I am so glad you are a good sport.
Notice, John is able to use his arm today.
In fact, we have been chomping at the bit to get back out on the slopes!
When it comes to broken bones, I have broken this wrist and this foot before as well.
But like John, my broken bones have healed.
I have been bruised and gotten stitches.
I am sure many of you have your fair share of physical wounds as well,
And you have either healed from them or may still be healing.
But there is something about our bodies ability to rebound from physical wounds.
Emotional wounds, however, do not tend to rebound the same.
If you were to think about it,
I am sure you could think of words someone has said to you once that still haunt you.
These emotional wounds that turn your stomach in knots.
Or perhaps there are words you have said that you regret.
Words you spoke that you wish you could take back.
As painful and as long as it may take to heal a physical wound,
It seems words are even more powerful,
Even more lasting,
Take even longer to heal.
It makes a big difference to be told “I hate you” rather than “I love you.”
You can change someone’s life for the worse by telling them that they will never amount to anything.
Or you can change their life for the better by telling them how proud of them you are.
Words change lives.
Words change history.
Images and emotions immediately come to mind when we hear things like:
“I have a dream,” or
“Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!”
These words shaped history.
Slide
But the most powerful words spoken in history include:
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.
Slide
Words can change eternity.
because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
Slide
Proverbs teaches that our tongue holds the power of life and death.
Our problem is that we cannot control the power of our tongues.
This lack of self-control destroys marriages, families, and friendships.
Our words are like a tool.
A wrench makes working on cars or pipes much easier.
But when used against another person as a weapon,
It not only can cause great damage,
It could even kill a person.
The same is true with our words.
If you blow up on your kids,
You nitpick and put down your spouse,
You bring up past mistakes your friends have made,
You flirt with a coworker,
You tell others about someone’s confidential information,
It not only causes great damage,
It can be deadly.
The Bible says with our words, we bless God.
But we also curse people who are made in God’s image.
Proverbs addresses how harmful our words can be.
So, it warns us repeatedly against using Words that Harm.
The reality is, we already know that we should not use our words to harm.
But we still struggle with using harmful words that not only hurt our relationships with other people,
But ultimately hurt our relationship with God.
So, the Bible’s aim is not only knowing about words that harm,
But having the wisdom to not use them.
Slide
Therefore, our outline begins with...
Words to Discern (vs. 4-5)
Words to Avoid (vs. 20-28)
Words of Deceit (vs. 18-19)
God’s Words overcome our harmful words.
Slide
Vs. 4-5 introduces words that harm,
And words that heal.
These two verses have to be interpreted together to understand them correctly.
So, we are going to look at these verses side by side,
Before taking a deeper look at the words that harm throughout Proverbs.
And Lord willing, next week,
We will take a deeper look at the words that heal throughout Proverbs.
So, as we approach vs. 4-5,
I want you to consider the question:
Does God ever contradict Himself?
Be careful what you answer.
You could Google, “contradictions in the Bible.”
And you can find countless lists of people accusing God of contradicting Himself.
They point out something the Bible says in one place,
Then find the opposite thing somewhere else,
And say, “See! The Bible contradicts itself!”
Therefore, they conclude, it must not be God’s perfect Word,
Meaning, we do not have to take the claims of the Bible seriously.
Vs. 4-5 is one of those passages that is often noted as a contradiction.
WE: Words to Discern (vs. 4-5)
WE: Words to Discern (vs. 4-5)
I am happy to confess that it does seem like the Bible is contradicting itself here.
But these verses are simply teaching us that we need wisdom to answer a fool.
Because these are Words to Discern.
Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest you be like him yourself. Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own eyes.
Look at it,
Vs. 4 says don’t answer a fool.
Then vs. 5 says answer a fool.
What does this mean?
Is Proverbs contradicting itself?
Is this a case where we say,
Well Proverbs are just general rules,
Not absolute truths.
So, is this why they seem to contradict each other?
Is proverbs only true in certain contexts?
Can we not just say Proverbs, like the rest of Scripture, are absolute truths?
Or do we just apply Proverbs to limited contexts?
I have a really hard time with this idea.
Because I believe Proverbs, like all of Scripture, is absolute truth.
Slide
Yes, these verses seem to contradict themselves,
But think about these two verses being right next to each other.
If these two verses were an accidental contradiction from humans writing the Bible,
Pretending that it is God’s Word,
Why would they write these two verses back to back?
They wouldn’t.
That is because these verses are God’s Word.
And they are back to back because they are meant to be read together.
Together, these verses give the true picture of how to discern a situation.
Of how to discern when to correct a fool.
Slide
Vs. 4 says not to answer a fool according to his foolishness or you will be a fool yourself.
In other words, do not answer a fool by being a fool.
So, in the case of vs. 4, we must avoid playing the fool’s game by not giving an answer.
There are some situations where we should not correct a fool.
Wisdom is the discernment to know when it is one of those situations.
So, how do we know when we should not answer a fool?
If we have to stoop to their level to correct,
Then do not answer them.
If our attempt to correct someone does no good, drains energy, and goes nowhere,
Then we remain quiet.
If our best efforts will not correct someone then wisdom tells us to stay quiet,
Do not play the fools game,
Or we will only hurt ourselves.
Think about those people who ask those antagonistic questions,
Or people who don’t listen to others because they already know it all.
Proverbs is saying don’t waste our mental energy responding or correcting them.
Vs. 4 is saying if we try to answer them,
We will only stoop to their level.
We will lie, or mock them, or speak unkindly trying to get our point across.
We will get so caught up in wanting to win an argument,
Or wanting to shut them up,
Or prove them wrong,
That all we are doing is fighting fire with fire.
We are stooping to their level,
And God says this is wrong,
It is foolish, it is sinful.
So, Proverbs is saying there are some people who we would be wise to simply not answer.
Some people we must not correct or engage in an argument with.
This may happen with non-Christians.
Perhaps you are trying to share your faith,
They may try to bait you with foolish comments or questions to sidetrack the conversation.
Do not take the bait.
If you are trying to share your faith, keep the focus on what Jesus did in your life,
And what He has done for them.
Do not let the focus move from Jesus to their objections.
We as people like to deflect conversations from things that convict us.
And the gospel is convicting,
So, non-Christians, willingly or unknowingly, deflect into pointless arguments.
But Proverbs is not just speaking about evangelism here.
This is true in any type of conversation.
Within families, at church or work, online,
And any situation where people are either asking for, or giving, advice.
This is where the online term, “troll,” comes from.
The idea is a person is trolling, like when you fish,
So, they are posting things online just to see if someone will take the bait,
And engage in a pointless argument with them.
Proverbs says to refuse playing these games.
Discern whether or not to engage with someone.
It is so easy to get sucked into something we see on Facebook,
Or something we hear someone else say at work or school.
Why?
Because we want other people to see us as right.
But what happens instead?
After a long argument that leaves us exhausted goes nowhere,
We finally concede to the other person.
So, Proverbs is telling us to just let it go.
Do not be the person who has to have the last word in an argument.
Slide
Some of us need this wisdom to remain quiet when we would otherwise speak words that harm.
However, others need the wisdom of vs. 5 to speak up when we would otherwise allow a fool to appear wise.
Proverbs is telling us we need to discern the difference.
Lord willing, next week we will discuss vs. 5 when we look deeper at words that heal.
For now, we must understand that the point of these two verses is this,
Wisdom is the discernment to know what people and situations we must respond to,
And when to be silent.
Wisdom grows our knowledge of when to correct and when not to correct.
Because we will be able to discern the outcome.
We will be able to discern if an answer will help or just play into their game.
We need this wisdom because we encounter both situations on a daily basis.
So, we must assess every situation carefully and discern if we must engage or not.
Slide
We have repeatedly talked throughout Proverbs about how Wisdom is not a thing,
It is a Person, Jesus Christ.
So, growth in Christlikeness means growth in discernment.
It means we grow in knowing whether an answer will go nowhere or will be helpful.
This is what growth in Christlikeness looks like.
If we are not growing in Christlikeness this way,
It may reveal that we have a problem with Jesus.
It means we are not walking with Him as we should because of an idol in our lives.
If we are a jerk who enjoys telling people off,
It could be because we idolize ourselves.
Because we are proud of our own self righteousness.
If we are unable to read a situation and know when to stay silent,
Then we are not growing in Christlikeness.
Think of Jesus.
He amazed people with His ability to stay silent when a reply would do no good.
He knew how to read a situation and know whether to respond.
Jesus knew when not to play foolish games.
For example, the chief priest’s challenged Jesus’ authority in Matt. 21.
Slide
Instead of playing their game, Jesus ends the conversation in Matt. 21:27 by saying;
Matthew 21:27 (ESV)
“Neither will I tell you by what authority I do these things.
Jesus knew when people were trying to test Him.
The Pharisees tried to entrap Jesus with a question about taxes in Matt. 22.
Slide
Matt. 22:18 says:
But Jesus, aware of their malice, said, “Why put me to the test, you hypocrites?
After further questions about the greatest commandment,
The resurrection of the dead,
And David’s son,
Slide
Matthew 22:46 ends a series of questions by saying:
And no one was able to answer him a word, nor from that day did anyone dare to ask him any more questions.
Jesus knew how to read a situation.
He knew when not to answer.
After all, He refused to answer the Jewish leaders during His own trial.
He refused to speak to King Herod,
And He refused to answer Pilate just before He was crucified.
He knew how to read every situation.
Growth in Christlikeness means we will grow in discernment as well.
Jesus produces this in us.
So, if you are not growing in discernment,
Confess to God whatever you may be idolizing,
Repent of it, turn away from it,
And go to Jesus.
Pray, “Jesus, show me where I lack discernment. Search me, and give me wisdom.”
GOD: Words to Avoid (vs. 20-28)
GOD: Words to Avoid (vs. 20-28)
Now that we have introduced the discernment between when to speak and when not to speak.
Let us turn our attention to other warnings throughout Proverbs against words that harm.
Proverbs describes a variety of kinds of words that are harmful.
There are many ways to use our words that are very destructive.
Slide
Many of these Words to Avoid are described in vs. 20-28.
These verses are all about malicious talk.
It illustrates these various types of harmful words through various pictures.
For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, quarreling ceases. As charcoal to hot embers and wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife. The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels; they go down into the inner parts of the body. Like the glaze covering an earthen vessel are fervent lips with an evil heart. Whoever hates disguises himself with his lips and harbors deceit in his heart; when he speaks graciously, believe him not, for there are seven abominations in his heart; though his hatred be covered with deception, his wickedness will be exposed in the assembly. Whoever digs a pit will fall into it, and a stone will come back on him who starts it rolling. A lying tongue hates its victims, and a flattering mouth works ruin.
The first picture, in vs. 20, is wood or coals.
A fire cannot burn without fuel.
Similarly, when it comes to conflict, a whisperer is like fuel to a fire.
Vs. 22 repeats a similar message about the whisperer, which we looked at a couple weeks ago in Prov. 18:8.
A whisperer is another name for a gossiper.
It describes a person who is a malicious murmurer with little to no concern for what is actually true.
So, Proverbs says, a gossiper keeps conflict burning.
Therefore, Proverbs condemns gossip.
Do you struggle with gossip?
Are you able to keep confidential information for others?
Do you start sentences with “Don’t tell anyone else this, but...”?
Do you disguise gossip as a prayer request?
“Pray for so and so, did you hear they really went off the deep end?”
You may do this for revenge,
you may do this out of jealousy,
Or your pride simply wants to be the one who knows everything about everyone.
Slide
Similar to a gossiper, vs. 21 warns about a quarrelsome person.
This is a person who is unhappy unless they are actively causing conflict.
Think of this as a contentious person.
Someone who loves to argue,
Loves to just disagree for the sake of disagreement.
This type of person thinks it is cool to constantly criticize.
And are always ready to argue about anything.
They will argue with you about simple things like sports or a TV show.
Or they will argue about more serious things like politics or religion.
They are the type of person who usually starts their sentences with “Well, actually...”
Scan through Facebook,
It won’t take you long to find this type of person.
But quarrelsome people are not only on social media.
They are at work, in school, and even in church.
They will complain about what other people wear,
They grumble if they are not getting their way.
And the ironic thing is that this type of person is never happy.
Their quarrelsome nature spreads dissension and stirs up trouble.
They are the type of person who gives ultimatums.
“If you do not do this, or if you change that, then I will leave, I will take my ball and go home.”
Proverbs says both the gossiper and the quarreler feed conflict like adding wood to a fire.
And as a result, both speak words that harm.
This means when you gossip or quarrel,
You are stoking the fire of conflict with words that harm.
Slide
The second picture, in vs. 23, is glaze.
In other translations, fervent lips is translated as smooth lips.
It is describing nice speech that covers an evil heart,
Like a glaze over an earthen vessel.
It is saying that a pleasing outside can hide a person’s true nature underneath.
A flatterer with evil intentions will appear nice on the outside,
But like glaze on pottery,
It is an artificial veneer.
Slide
Vs. 24-26 continues this characterization by describing the kind of person that should be avoided;
That is, a deceptive person who harbors this hidden deceit or hatred.
His speech covers the hatred in his heart.
So, Proverbs says when he speaks, don’t believe him.
His driving force is hatred,
So, he will be passionate to destroy anything good and godly.
But in time, Proverbs says, wise people will see through this disguise,
Then his hatred will be revealed to everyone.
Slide
Vs. 27 seems to continue the same theme of various pictures of harmful words.
The picture of these verses are of a trap.
It shows us how insincere speech recoils back on us,
Like falling into a trap that we set.
When we are troublemakers, we often make trouble for ourselves.
When we cover up hatred in our heart with flattering speech,
When we are quarrelsome,
When we gossip,
We are setting a trap for ourselves,
We are setting ourselves up for destruction.
This idea is all over the Bible,
Psalm 7:15; 9:15; and Ecclesiastes 10:8 say almost the same thing.
Slide
Then, in the NT, Gal. 6:7 similarly says:
Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.
This is not necessarily talking about God’s final judgment,
Rather it is explaining the self-destructive nature of our foolishness.
Especially when we are bent on making trouble for others.
Slide
Then, vs. 28 gets at the heart of the matter in verses 20-28.
Deceit is a practical form of hatred.
While truth is a form of love.
Because truth is vital to making wise decisions.
Slide
Proverbs 27:6 illustrates this contrast:
Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.
When a person is deceiving another,
It is a form of hatred.
And hatred is the ultimate breakdown in our relationships.
Slide
The Apostle John is blunt when he says...
Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him.
…in 1 John 3:15.
Proverbs shows us that our speech is one of the greatest ways to express hatred.
Our words have enormous potential for evil.
We can misuse our words,
We can lie to crush those we hate,
We can cause great misery to others simply with our mouths.
Slide
As the end of vs. 28 says,
A flattering mouth works ruin.
A flattering mouth is a smooth talker.
But Proverbs condemns this idea of false praise to manipulate others for your own gain.
Flattery is often used for deception.
It can be used to exaggerate a truth to get a reaction from someone else for selfish reasons.
Perhaps, the most culturally obvious example of this is flirting.
Slide
Proverbs 7:21 warns about this form of flattery:
With much seductive speech she persuades him; with her smooth talk she compels him.
Flattery includes flirting.
This can happen with a coworker, it can happen with the parent of one of your child’s friends, it can happen online, or by text.
And Proverbs seems to be warning you that flattery draws your heart.
The anatomy of an affair starts with flattery.
It was fun that another person was flirting with you.
Then the flirting turns to lingering looks or conversations.
Then the rationalizing starts,
You tell yourself that your spouse is not giving you the attention you need,
And you are not hurting anyone anyway.
So, it is no big deal.
Until that flattery somehow became a full-fledged affair,
Which, in turn, ruins your life.
So, Proverbs says to be warned of flattery.
But flattery is not limited to flirting.
It is any time a person praises someone else hoping they will respond the way you want.
It is really a form of selfish manipulation.
And what is sad about this is that it often is not even a genuine compliment.
But people will tell others what they want to hear,
Because they think it will help them to advance,
Or be admired,
Or satisfy some other selfish desire.
But Proverbs condemns this because flattery comes with great consequences.
Slide
James summarizes the dangerous consequences of all these words that harm in James 3:5-10:
So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so.
When we gossip,
When we are quarrelsome,
When we lie,
When we deceive,
When our hearts are filled with hate,
When we flatter,
In the end, Proverbs says, we cause our own ruin.
YOU: Words that Hurt (vs. 18-19)
YOU: Words that Hurt (vs. 18-19)
Just before these Words to Avoid,
Slide
Vs. 18-19 teaches about Words of Deceit.
Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, “I am only joking!”
The common element between these two verses is destruction.
Vs. 18 reveals the potential for destruction to people and property.
It describes a madman who throws flaming darts and deadly arrows.
Vs. 19 reveals the potential for destruction to personal relationships.
A person who lies to someone else then tries to cover it up is equally destructive.
Deception can include embellishment, exaggeration, half-truths, omission, intentional misrepresentation, or truth in jest.
For example, you say something hurtful but you follow it up by saying,
“I was only joking,” to minimize the pain,
But you said it because you meant it.
When you lie but pretend you are being a comedian,
Proverbs is saying you are just as dangerous as a person running through town with a weapon on a rampage.
Slide
And all of us do this kind of thing.
We all exaggerate or leave out details to try and make ourselves look better.
Why?
Because we are all born deceivers.
You do not need to train a young child to lie,
They naturally do it to get out of trouble.
Even when you try to teach a child to tell the truth, they still struggle to come clean.
Then children become teenagers where they become more tactical in their deception.
Teens cheat in school to get good grades,
They lie to parents about what they are doing with their friends.
And then teens become adults and all that deception just disappears, right?
Wrong.
Adults are no longer just tactical in their deception,
They are tactical and trained in their deception.
Adults lie to bosses about being sick just to stay home.
Adults keep secrets from their family members to maintain peace for themselves.
Adults blame others, even when it is their fault.
Adults exaggerate truths to avoid doing things they don’t want to do.
Adults tell half-truths because technically, it is not a lie.
We are all deceivers.
Because we all want our way.
So, we manipulate the truth to help us get it.
This reveals idolatry.
It shows that we are seeking to attain joy or satisfaction in something other than God.
We are valuing these things more than God.
Things that cannot satisfy us more than God.
So, we deceive for the thing by which we are deceived, our idols.
Slide
And sadly, we tend to deceive those who are closest to us.
Vs. 19 describes a man who deceives his neighbor.
This is talking about your friends.
A friend who says or does something hurtful,
Then tries to cover it up by saying, “just kidding,” or “I didn’t mean it,” or “it was only a joke.”
When you do this, you are not being a good friend.
In fact, Proverbs describes what features make up a good friend.
The first feature is consistency.
This is not a fair-weather friend.
It is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
A friend who loves at all times.
And if you hope to receive this type of friendship,
Proverbs says to give this kind of friendship.
Another feature of a good friend is honesty.
Proverbs says that wounds from a friend are faithful,
While a person who just flatters you all the time is spreading a net for your feet.
An honest friend can often be unappreciated in the moment.
But later you see how faithful a good friend is who talks honestly with you, even when it is hard to hear.
A third feature of a good friend is balanced counsel.
In a positive sense, fellowship with a good friend can cheer you on and strengthen you.
But a friend whose perspective or personality can clash with you at times is healthy.
This friends counsel doesn’t just cheer you on, it challenges you to grow.
And true friendship has both.
It reassures you and stretches you.
The fourth and final feature of a good friend is tact.
A friend is respectful of your feelings.
Proverbs has many examples of poor friendships that are missing this kind of tact.
Proverbs 25:17 talks about outstaying your welcome,
And forcing yourself onto someone else.
Proverbs 27:14 talks about how trying to bless someone at an unwelcome time is not being a good friend,
It is like a curse to that person,
Proverbs 25:20 implies it could even be cruel.
And lastly, vs. 18-19 warn us about not knowing when a joke has gone too far.
Proverbs says when we are lacking these things,
Then we are not being good friends,
We are walking in foolishness,
And using words that hurt.
WE: Conc.
WE: Conc.
Slide
When we use words that hurt it has all kinds of negative consequences.
One of the worst, is the destruction of close relationships.
Gossip ruins friendships.
Being a quarrelsome person is annoying to be around.
We hurt those we deceive,
And harmful speech wounds those closest to us.
But it is even more than that.
It is not just that being contentious causes conflict and division.
It is not just that flattery ruins marriages and families.
It is not just that deception ruins friendships or careers.
And it is not just that gossip hurts people’s feelings.
Although all these things are true.
The biggest problem with harmful words is the brokenness it causes in our relationship with God,
The brokenness in our human relationships is a foretaste of the brokenness in our relationship with God.
Slide
Jesus says in Matt. 12:36:
I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak,
Slide
And Proverbs 19:9 adds:
A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who breathes out lies will perish.
We all have sinned with our harmful words,
But not Jesus.
He never harmed anyone with His words.
There was never deceit on His lips.
He perfectly lived out every part of Proverbs.
And yet, He took the judgment for our harmful words,
Why?
To provide us forgiveness.
The One Who had no deceit died for we who are deceivers.
The reconciler died for we who are quarrelers.
And as this truth of the gospel takes root in our hearts,
We will find that we no longer need to lie, gossip, or deceive.
We will no longer need to build ourselves up with our words because Christ gives grace to the humble.
We will not need to justify ourselves with our words because we are justified in Christ.
We will not need to lie with our words to get the approval of others because we have the approval of Christ.
Our words are powerful.
We deserve to be condemned for our harmful words.
But God’s words overcome our harmful words.
Words like...
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
Praise God for His Words!
Pray.