Communication is the Key
Notes
Transcript
Handout
Intro:
Intro:
Importance of Communication in an athletic team sport
Importance of Communication in a Military Mission
Marriage is a Collaborative Mission based institution
The Lord was clear about what the primary role of marriage was to be in society
26 Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, according to our likeness. They will rule the fish of the sea, the birds of the sky, the livestock, the whole earth, and the creatures that crawl on the earth.” 27 So God created man in his own image; he created him in the image of God; he created them male and female. 28 God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth, and subdue it. Rule the fish of the sea, the birds of the sky, and every creature that crawls on the earth.”
(v.26) Management and Steward the creation
(v.28) Expansion & Dominion under the authority and rule of Christ.
This Mission was immediately deemed a failure at the Fall of Man
But we were recommissioned after the Resurrection:
18 Jesus came near and said to them, “All authority has been given to me in heaven and on earth. 19 Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe everything I have commanded you. And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”
(v.18-20) The Great Commission is a recommissioning service to all believers. So this tells us that a married couple is in joint cooperation with this text as our mission objectives. Our happiness comes second to this joint mission:
This is why the permanence in marriage is stressed by Jesus. “what God has put together let no man take asunder” and
why does he does this?
Because a Healthy Christian marriage gives the world a symbolic picture of God’s relationship to the church, which helps the world conceptualize “the Gospel itself”
eph 5:25-32
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. 27 He did this to present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless. 28 In the same way, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, 30 since we are members of his body. 31 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. 32 This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church.
Objective: My assignment is Communication
Objective: My assignment is Communication
Now that we have established the Joint, Collaborative mission that our Lord has given to us we must work out how that message will be disseminated between us as a couple.
Step by Step vs Principles
Step by Step vs Principles
Step by Step tells you the “what” but Principles tells you the “why”
Explanation for cooking steak:
Cut of Meat: Select, Choice, or Prime
Doneness: Rare, medium rare, medium, Medium well, and Well-Done
Presentation: Don’t cut the steak for at least 20min after pulling of the grill or oven, Cut the meat against the grain
These are all principles of handling steak on the grill of oven. Once you know these you can then taper the recipe to your liking. Some people just like a steak with no seasoning. Some people like a steak with just Salt & Pepper, Some people like their steak well seasoned with some Garlic Butter on the side. Even with all this variance the principles for cooking the steak are the same.
The Bible is not a step by step book on how to have a happy marriage. It is a book of principles whereby if you know the principles you can implement them in your house with your own seasonings.
Some folks are young married. Married fresh out of high school or college. They will have challenges related to that situation
Some folks got married as older adults already in the Professional World
Some folks never lived away from home and got married
Some folks came into marriage without any children between them
Some folks came into marriage whereby which one person had a child and the other one had to love both
Some folks came into marriage and had to blend two families with children.
For these Reason the bible did not give a step by step because there are two many situation that require different methods. The Bible gave principles
It is on that premise we will give the first principle:
I. Blend the best and get rid of the worse
I. Blend the best and get rid of the worse
24 This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh.
8 and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” 10 When they were in the house again, the disciples questioned him about this matter.
What does it mean to become one flesh?
Spiritual Union: After Consummation there is an immediate spiritual union or blending. It is not progressive, it is immediate. Just like when you got saved. You were immediately united with Christ.
Practical Union: This is an on-going process whereby which we learn to function as two people with separate wills, desires, past experiences, family dynamics, and communication styles which overtime get blended into one cohesive narrative(story).
(v.24) Notice the text “man leave his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh” This leave is physical, emotional and practical
Practical- Both the Husband and Wife have been raised in separate homes with different communication styles. Rarely do two people come from homes with the exact same communication style.
ex: In the husband home they talk their problems out until it is resolve, in the wife home they typically avoided problems until the pot boiled over.
In the husband house they did not say “I love you” they did not express their emotions verbally but they did in action; The wife however was raised in a house that hug, kissed, and was very emotionally expressive. She was raised with a father who hug her and made her feel special. Although the wife house was very emotional people did not always prove this love in tangible ways. Many recitals were missed, many games and precious moments were missed but there was a lot of external examples of love.
To become one is too talk about these divergent homes and “Blend the Best, and get rid of the worse”
II. Wives Respect & Husbands Love
II. Wives Respect & Husbands Love
33 To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband.
(v.33) “To sum up” Paul in Ephesians gives his most comprehensive teaching of Christian Marriage in Chapter 5. He tells the wife “submit unto your husband as unto the Lord” and he tells the man “Love your wife like christ loves the church” What Paul gives us here is Principles, which applies to all Christian Marriage.
(v.33) Paul then gives us a conclusive statement in this (v) We know that because of the prepositional phrase “to sum it up”
You will remember I am giving your principles not steps:
(v.33) “Each one of you is to love his wife”
Clearly Paul is talking to all the men. He says “each one” every Christian man is bound by this command. We are to all “love” Paul uses the greek word “agape” (present, active, imperative) Paul is commanding all Christian men to continually Love their wife with the same love Christ loves us with demonstrated by his death on the cross!!! A self-sacrificial love.
(v.33) “and the Wife is to respect her Husband”
That word “respect” in the greek word: Phobia which carries the idea of “reverential fear/respect” this carries the idea of having such a “respect” for the position he holds you are able to respect him even when he does not behave according to the title he holds. Your Respect is in the title first, then secondly it moves to him.
Now let’s get Practical:
Now let’s get Practical:
How can a loving Husband communicate sacrificial love to his wife in verbal & Non-verbal ways?
How can a wife communicate profound respect for her husband in verbal and non-verbal ways?
I am glad you asked:
A. Be Honesty
A. Be Honesty
15 But speaking the truth in love, let us grow in every way into him who is the head—Christ.
25 Therefore, putting away lying, speak the truth, each one to his neighbor, because we are members of one another.
Men to love your wife is too tell the truth. Don’t tell her half-truths for her own good. But speak to truth “in love” meaning speak in such a way that it is always meant for her edification
Wives: Don’t manipulate, don’t guise, or butter up in your communication “be real” and speak only what is good not for you but his his edification
B. Be Calm
B. Be Calm
26 Be angry and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger,
Husband and wives notice the text says “Be angry” there are two primary words for anger in the text:
Thumos-Slow seething anger that builds up over time
ex: Your husband keeps coming home at odd hours without calling you. Your anger will begin to seethe and build like a boiling pot
Orgizo-quick explosive anger that stems from something you experienced.
ie: You find out the daycare worker smacked your grandchild
The Bible does not expect yall to be robot’s. It acknowledges that when you put people together in close environments there will be conflict. It says “Be angry” Paul is letting you know it is not a sin to be angry. There are things that should make us angry. But Paul says there must be boundaries around your anger.
Paul quotes an idiom: Be angry! “But do not sin” Don’t let your anger go from Orgizo to Thumos. “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger” Now I know a lot of people who takes this literal and no matter what happens they will not go to sleep angry at one another I am not going to hate on that interpretation, but I don’t think Paul was trying to convey that type of ‘“wooden Interpretation” that is a command to not let Anger fester.
What if you found out your Husband out of character went to the casino with some friends and lost 10grand. but you found out right before Sun down. I don’t think Paul is saying you better calm down before the sun goes down.
I think what he saying is yall might need some time apart for a moment so that you can begin to process of emotional de-escalation before you can even have a conversation. Paul is prohibiting long-term anger that moves to “deep bitterness”
C. Watch your mouth
C. Watch your mouth
29 No foul language should come from your mouth, but only what is good for building up someone in need, so that it gives grace to those who hear.
(v.29) “No foul language should come from your mouth”
Saints this text goes beyond just “Cuss word” this has to do with using your tongue in Passive or Aggressive ways to tear, rip and shred your spouse. This is where most of the damage is done in marriage. Most of the time folks come to me for counseling there problems are serious but workable. Yet they can’t keep themselves from shredding each other with their tongues. Then both of them get so mad. They say things like “I just can’t get passed what he/she said to me or called me” the bible understood this take a look at James on this one:
8 but no one can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.
(v.8) Yall this is everybody Tongue. Not just unbelievers. James said make it your job to tame the tongue. James in Chapter 3 calls the person who is able to tame the tongue a “Mature Christian”
In other words ‘don’t tell how mature you are in Christ” if you can’t control that Mouth!!
(v.29) “No foul language should come from your mouth”
“Foul”-Saphos: This word was used to describe rotting food!!!!
Paul says to Husband and Wives: Do not let “rotten fish smelling” language come out of your mouth. This involves Cuss words and passive aggressive “Christian Cliches” we use to control and intimidate.
This does not involve Truth Spoken Loudly this is when you are no longer communicating to edify but you are committing to wound & Destroy.
D. Be Intentional
D. Be Intentional
29 No foul language should come from your mouth, but only what is good for building up someone in need, so that it gives grace to those who hear.
(v.29) “but only what is good for building up someone in need, so that it gives grace to those who hear”
Husband & Wives this requires some skill, practice and observation. But it starts with this empathy.
Commit to only communicate in ways that you would like someone to treat you with. If you want Grace, Long suffering, Patient and Kindness, then you need to model what you want.
Find ways to communicate in ways the “give grace & encouragement” to those who are closest to you starting with your mate and moving to your children.
You can speak the truth in a way that folks can eat it. Get to know everyone in your house and their personality so that you can speak truth to them in ways that build them up and not tear them down.
Yall know our Parents where bad at this. They only knew one speed yet every child was different.
Husband there is a word from the Lord regarding this process:
7 Husbands, in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker partner, showing them honor as coheirs of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
(v.7) What a glorious text. Notice what Peter tells the men. “dwell/live with your wives in an understanding way” study her, observe her, know her weaknesses and her strength.
Wives it is not in the bible but I think it would be wise for you to do the same thing.
Cori coming home to immediately tell me about her day. Until she realize I needed sometime to unwind before talking about our day
E. Keep short accounts
E. Keep short accounts
31 Let all bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander be removed from you, along with all malice. 32 And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.
(v.31) Paul list 6 actions the destroy communication and interpersonal relationships:
a. Bitterness
b. Anger-Thumos
c. Wrath-Orge
d. Shouting
e. Slander
f. Malice
Paul says let all of these be removed from your toolbox!!!! You remember earlier these are things I told you when you blend your family together you need to do away with.
ex: Maybe you grew up in a family that all they was “shout” to get their point across and it worked all you and your brother is sister are doing well and succesful. That is irrelevant the Lord through Paul tells us that Shouting is not good for the relationship or your blood pressure!!! Get rid of it. Learn how to talk without shouting
Paul says let all of these be removed from you!!!!!
(v.32) “And he kind, and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ”
Paul list two Characteristics or Principles:
Kindness & Compassion
Compassion carries the idea of the ability to feel someone pain deep in the stomach. As go through things as a couple some individually and some corporately learn to look at each other’s pains through the lens of Compassion try to empathize with your Spouses struggles.
Conclusion:
Conclusion:
And finally “Forgiving One another in light of your memory of what God has saved and forgiven you from”
Communication is the pathway on which love travels. But if there are blips and barriers in our lines of communication, our love doesn’t reach its target and our relationship suffers. I’ve heard it said by many, “well, if two people love each other, love and a successful marriage will just happen – it will be natural.” That is a myth!
There is nothing natural about good communication. Having a satisfying marriage where love flourishes, and there’s a growing closeness and friendship is not something we’re just born to be naturally “good” at. On the contrary, good communication requires advanced skills. The good thing is these skills are learnable. The great thing is, God’s Word can equip us with the invaluable, advanced communication skills that are crucial to make a marriage not only survive- but thrive.....6 keys to communication in Marriage by Roy Milam