Fear Of Intimacy

Fear • Sermon • Submitted 3 years ago

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Admitting intimacy is a risk, may we find security and acceptance in an intimacy with our Creator that empowers us to take the risk of intimacy with others so that we discover the joy of love and loving.

Notes

Transcript

Introduction

*Adapted from an outline provided by Craig Groeschel, “Fear”, Open Network, https://bit.ly/3hw0wUr (accessed 15-Jun-2021).

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To begin my reflections on the passage read to us from the Bible, I want to share with you the story of Beth, played by Kristen Bell, in the 2010 American romantic comedy, When In Rome.

When In Rome movie poster pic

When In Rome

Beth is a fictional art curator who feels she is unlucky in love. When in Rome, she removes 5 coins from a magic fountain and chaos ensues. In the process, she falls in love with Nick, played by Josh Duhamel.

In this scene, Beth and her father walk slowly toward the sanctuary where she is about to marry Nick. Yet she fears the feelings of her fiancé are not real because she still has his coin in her possession. Beth is suffering from last-minute fears regarding her future marriage.

video clip: When in Rome – Bride fearful of getting hurt in marriage

Because Beth had been unlucky in love, she feared getting close to any potential love-interest. She feared intimacy, of getting her heart broken again.

It did not matter how illogical her loneliness was, Beth’s experience led her to mess with the ‘magic fountain’ and the comedy was then based on her trying to untangle the consequences.

Disastrous Consequences

Indeed, the pursuit of love and intimacy is ripe for comedy. We laugh while watching others make clumsy attempts to avoid the more disastrous results of love-gone-wrong at best and love-forsaken at worst. Those disasters make us laugh while, inwardly, we are really uncomfortable. Those scenes are all-too-real because they are too much like our own experiences.

Perhaps the most disastrous consequence of failed intimacy was identified by Mother Teresa, who stated,

Mother Teresa quote

The great tragedy of life is not hunger or disease, but to feel unwanted. —Mother Teresa, quoted in Roy B. Zuck, The Speaker’s Quote Book (Grand Rapids, MI: Kregel Publications, 1997), pg 232.

Why would anyone jump to the conclusion they are unwanted just because they have been unlucky in love? Sadly, our feelings around love and intimacy often do not make sense.

What and Why?

So far in this series we have explored the Fear of Rejection and the Fear of Failure. Let us today consider the Fear of Intimacy.

You might be wondering, “Why not just say the ‘Fear of Love’?”

“Love” is a convoluted and confused topic. “Intimacy” is quite a bit more clear. It refers to a deep trust in and affection for another person, which leads us to be open and honest and vulnerable. Intimacy is the foundation for both friendship and marriage.

Intimacy also leads us to show care and concern for another person’s needs and wants.

Intimacy can take many forms. It can be romantic or not.

We crave intimacy, yet learn to fear it when we are refused or rejected. When our overtures to intimacy are scorned, we feel unwanted. To avoid such terrible and hurtful feelings, we avoid intimacy all together. The fiction becomes reality and it is no laughing matter.

The author John Milton noted,

John Milton quote

Loneliness is the first thing God’s eye named not good. —as quoted in Roy B. Zuck, The Speaker’s Quote Book (Grand Rapids, MI: Kregel Publications, 1997), pg 232.

Our first theme verse notes,

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2 Timothy 1:7 (CSB)

God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and sound judgment.

With sound judgment we are open and honest and vulnerable with the right people at the right time and in the right places. This creates opportunities to both feel love and act lovingly toward others we are confident will not refuse or reject us. Knowing we have positive regard from others gives us a sense of power, a sense of courage and confidence to face the challenges and trials of life because there are people who care for us and who champion us.

Our second theme verse tells us,

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1 John 4:18a (CSB)

There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out fear…

We need not fear intimacy, especially since we need it so very, very much. The perfect love of God leads us to love perfectly and this drives out any and all fear including fear of rejection, fear of failure, and, as we’ll consider more carefully today, fear of intimacy.

If we fear intimacy, which is to fear being open and honest and vulnerable, how then can we love God, love one another, or love our neighbours when we ourselves feel unloved, unwanted, unworthy? Our community of faith would fall apart so very quickly if we all feared intimacy.

So What?

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Your Pain is Real

If we are going to overcome a fear of intimacy, we need to first admit the pain is real. It can be described in many ways: to feel unloved, unwanted, unworthy, refused, or rejected. However you describe it, it is an emotional pain that strikes at the core of our being. As a result, it can even arouse physical sensation and symptoms.

One of the oldest books in the Bible, the Book of Job, tells the story of an ancient patriarch named Job. Practically overnight, Job experienced the loss of his health, wealth, family, and status. Naturally, he cried out in anguish, “Why?”

His four closest friends heard what had happened to Job and, at first, did the right thing: They went together to sympathise with and comfort their friend. They wept and sat with Job for seven days and nights (Job 2:11-13).

But then they just could not help themselves and began questionning Job’s integrity, essentially accusing him of bringing these disasters upon himself. Naturally, this led Job to exclaim,

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Job 19:19 CSB

All of my best friends despise me, and those I love have turned against me.

Because his friends challenged his claims of innocence, Job then concluded they “abandoned” him, his relatives stopped visiting him, his house guests regard him as a stranger, his servants do not respond to his call, his wife finds his breath repulsive, and children mock him (Job 19:13-19).

See how his feelings quickly became exaggerated? He jumped to conclusions not warranted by the questioning of his friends, conclusions about others not even involved in the situation!

Job’s pain was real, literally and figuratively, just as your pain resulting from experiences of broken relationships are also real.

Your pain may be real but, like Job, it can make you feel and do things that are unnecessary and that make your situation worse.

You Can Become Distant

For instance, you can become distant.

In the Book of Genesis, we find the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden. They ate the forbidden fruit and immediately felt the consequences,

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Genesis 3:9–10 CSB

So the Lord God called out to the man and said to him, “Where are you?” And he said, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid.”

Adam and Eve had always been naked and felt no shame for it. After disobeying God’s only command and eating the forbidden fruit, Adam was not really ashamed of being naked, he was afraid because he had no way of hiding his deed because he was naked.

Adam would much rather have hidden his deed, so avoided God’s call for relationship. Adam and Eve became distant from their Creator, physically and emotionally, and they became distant from each other.

What are you hiding behind? Think of your relationships, with your family, friends, co-workers, or fellow students. How are you distancing yourself from other people? What is the cause of your compulsion to avoid them, to avoid dealing with the hurt they caused you or you caused them?

You Can Become Defensive

Another thing your pain can make you feel and do is to become defensive.

Once the real cause of Adam and Eve’s shame became known,

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Genesis 3:12–13 CSB

The man replied, “The woman you gave to be with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate.” So the Lord God asked the woman, “What have you done?” And the woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

They could not avoid the consequences of their action, so the man and woman deflected Yahweh’s questioning onto the action of others. They defended themselves by blaming someone else.

What pain are you avoiding by blaming circumstances or other people? When we deal with painful experiences by becoming distant and defensive, we create a cycle: Avoidance leaves us lonely and lost, which makes us more likely to avoid painful experiences, which makes us feel lonely and lost, and so on.

There must be a way to overcome our fear of intimacy.

To overcome a fear of intimacy will require two things and I am going to give you the second thing first:

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2) You Must Take A Prayerful Relational Risk for An Intimate Relational Return

All relationships —whether between associates, fellow students, friends, or family— require reciprocity. The deeper one person is willing to go with openness, honesty, and vulnerability, the other person will match that level or not. The problem is someone needs to take the first step, to begin opening up.

Thus, intimacy is akin to making an investment which requires risk. While some risks do fail, the greater the risk, the greater potential return!

The apostle Peter wrote,

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1 Peter 1:22b (CSB)

Show sincere brotherly love for each other, from a pure heart love one another constantly,

To be open and honest and vulnerable with another person —in other words, to show intimacy— comes from the heart. It is a deep experience which is inherently risky.

It is scary to risk; it is even scarier not to risk! We crave intimacy because we need openness, honesty, and vulnerability with family, friends, and others to satisfy our deepest social and emotional longings.

The apostle Paul wrote,

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1 Corinthians 13:7 (CSB)

[Love] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Openness, honesty, and vulnerability require hope and trust and perseverance. This may seem like a lot of effort and great risk, but intimacy and relationships are always worth it.

The various relationships in our life have varying degrees of intimacy, obviously. So it is important to remember: Avoid pre-mature intimacy.

Don’t vomit your life story all over a complete stranger —you know these people! That is much too intensity too soon and you should not be surprised when they refuse to reciprocate and even reject you.

In the Old Testament we find this advice,

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Song of Solomon 8:4 (CSB)

I charge you, do not stir up or awaken love until the appropriate time.

Whether we are talking about social, emotional, or even physical intimacy, a prayerful relational risk is worth the effort, yet must be entered into only at an appropriate time —for example, some physical intimacy is appropriate before marriage, but most should be left for enjoyment only within the commitment of marriage.

While the effort of intimacy is scary, even the effort to withold intimacy, remember,

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1 John 4:18a (CSB)

There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out fear,

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1) Before You Risk, You Must Find Security, Acceptance and Intimacy in Christ

Before we can take the second thing of a prayerful relational risk, however, we really must do this first thing, which is to find security and acceptance in intimacy with Christ.

“How does that work?” you might be wondering.

secure attachment pic

Psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby proposed a theory concerning relationships between human persons. Supported by research in the 1960s and 70s by developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth, Attachment Theory posits that young children need to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver for normal social and emotional development.

Secure attachment to a caregiver provides the stable foundation from which a child begins to explore his or her world and form relationships with others.

Even more foundational, however, is our relationship with our Creator.

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Matthew 22:37–39 (CSB)

Jesus said, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and most important command. The second is like it: Love your neighbour as yourself.

Having a safe and secure attachment to our Creator begins by knowing we are loved by One who will remain ever faithful, One who knows all of ourself even better than we do (Lk 12:7). This knowing then frees us to love others and even love ourself.

The apostle Paul wrote,

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Romans 15:7 (NIV)

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.

Our Creator is glorified when we find our security and acceptance through intimacy with Christ. This is a stable foundation that meets are basic social and emotional needs. From this thing then we are able to begin the second thing of taking the prayerful relational risk of being open and honest and vulnerable with family and friends and even a spouse.

intimacy will no longer seem like a risk because you are already secure in a deep relationship of knowing God and being known, of being accepted and free to accept others. Wow, huh?

Now What?

Overcoming fear of intimacy seems like a good idea, right? Now how are you going to go about it?

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Make a list of 100 reasons you are secure in Christ! Our Creator has made us particular promises in Christ:

The gift of the Holy Spirit (Lk 24:49; Ac 1:4; 2:33; Eph 1:13)

The fullness of life and eternal life (2Ti 1:1; Heb 12:26-28; Jas 1:12; 2:5; 1Jn 2:25)

Resurrection (Jn 5:29; 11:25-26; 1Co 15:48-57; 2Co 4:14; 1Th 4:16)

The forgiveness of sins (1Jn 1:9)

The presence of God (Ex 3:12; 33:14; Jos 1:9; Isa 58:9; Mt 28:20; Heb 13:5)

The peace of God (1Ch 22:9; Ps 85:8; Isa 9:6-7; Ro 5:1; Php 4:4-9)

Joy in God (Ps 16:11; 132:16; Jn 16:20-24)

The knowledge of God (Jer 31:33-34; Jn 17:25-26; 1Jn 5:20) —Martin H. Manser, Dictionary of Bible Themes (London: Martin Manser, 2009).

I could go on!

As you read the Bible, what other reasons do you find for your security and acceptance in Christ? Write them down and remind yourself often.

Commit to discover intimacy in a Connect Group. Our community of faith numbers between 60-80 members and friends. That is quite a lot of people to share intimate friendship with. Quite impossible and intimidating really!

Instead find and focus on a small group with whom you meet together regularly for prayer, Bible study, ministry, and mission. Our Sunday seminar series in August will begin to introduce a model for Connect Groups. We have a number of Connect Groups already available. After that series, my wife and I will start a Connect Group and hopefully others as the need arises.

Commit to come out of “hiding”. Despite the risk, and despite whatever bad experiences you have had in the past, take a small step toward intimacy with another person.

Be gentle with yourself and with that other person.

Be the someone who goes first!

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Conclusion

We crave intimacy because we need intimacy, yet learn to fear it when we are refused or rejected. The Way of Love requires we take the first step toward overcoming our fear of intimacy, so that we create the space for others to overcome their own. “By this will they know you are my disciples”, Jesus said, “when you love one another” (Jn 13:35).

Let us take the risk of intimacy with one another so that we may overcome our fear and truly become a healthy, functioning, and safe community of faith with members known for integrity.