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Pastoral Search Report

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Thanks to someone named Lori Chavez......

Pastoral Search Report

We do not have a happy report to give. We've not been able to find a suitable
candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect still. We do
appreciate all the suggestions from the church members, and we've followed
up each one with interviews or calling at least three references. The
following is our confidential report on the present candidates:

Adam: Good man but problems with his wife.

Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic
building projects.

Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show
he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife
with another man.

Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and
has a prison record.

Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at
times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier
church over a murder charge.

David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had
with his neighbor's wife.

Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.

Elijah: Prone to depression-collapses under pressure.

Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former

Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his
wife's occupation.

Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things,
and reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of
foreign river.

Isaiah: On the fringe ? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with
his language.  Also show little indiscretion,told me God told him to  run
around naked for 3 years... as a sign to the church.

Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by
getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out
on the shore near here. We hung up.

Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have
promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people. Might fit in better in a
poor congregation.

John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept
in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes
denominational leaders.

Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper -- even has been known to curse. Had
a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on
tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach
all night.

Timothy: Too young.

Jesus: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000 he
managed to offend them all and this church dwindled down to twelve people.
Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single.

Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good
connections. Knows how to handle money. re inviting him to preach this
Sunday. Possibilities here. -Source unknown
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