I Do

Corinthians  •  Sermon  •  Submitted   •  Presented   •  32:46
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Rules for Marriage

(Sign from Memaa, KK’s mom - rules for life)
“Nothing” means something… and you should be worried.
“Go Ahead”. this is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
Married Life is so easy, it’s just like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park!’
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
(This is where we get the awkward laughter. Funny… as long as it isn’t too real at the moment. Hah hah hah…)
All jokes aside, as I said last week, this is a hard teaching for me. Because there is so much brokenness in my life. Because I have been bad at this, failed in this, continue to fail in this. Most of you know well, but I was married for 16 years, divorced, remarried two years ago to KK.
So these have been passages I have wrestled with, personally. And, as always, I am not the expert on this. I teach out of my brokenness, lead out of my own sinfulness… we trust that God will speak beyond me, through His Word. We don’t look to Dusty for marriage advice (or any other, really).
We look to our Creator, who created marriage, sex, relationship, and us.

Single Minded

Paul writes in answer to the Corinthians question: “What about sex, though?” Paul writes pastorally, counseling those who are married, engaged, divorced, single… and enslaved. How do we live faithfully and righteously where we are called? Paul has some counter-cultural rarely-followed advice here. In light of the urgency of Jesus’ return, and in order to be a single-minded slave of Christ, it is good/better/best to remain abstinently single. Christians rarely follow this advice, generally don’t have this sense of urgency, because we have entirely the wrong focus.
Jesus is coming soon. The time is short.
We want to live in such a way that asks and answers this question:
What would please/love/serve/glorify our Master the most?

Why Doesn’t Paul Like Marriage?

We could easily hear that Paul doesn’t like marriage. That he thinks marriage is a lesser state of existence. That he has a very low view of marriage.
I don’t think that’s it.

Gaming the System

Paul writes to those who are betrothed:
1 Corinthians 7:36 (ESV)
If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let them marry—it is no sin.
“Behaving properly” might mean stringing her along, dating while intending to remain single. Or it might be in connection to the “strong passions” here… echoing what we saw in verse 1.
1 Corinthians 7:37–38 ESV
But whoever is firmly established in his heart, being under no necessity but having his desire under control, and has determined this in his heart, to keep her as his betrothed, he will do well. So then he who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better.
So hear two things:
Paul recommends staying single as Plan A… but the one who marries also does well! Paul does not have a negative view of marriage generally.
Two: what are the options for the single person? Some want to say that the Bible is “silent” on sex outside of marriage and outside temple worship. But Paul is pretty stinkin’ clear about the options here.
If one has the gift of celibacy: do it. Single-minded focus on the Lord.
If one has “strong passion” (aka, a strong sex drive) and, here in the form of betrothal, one has the opportunity for marriage: go for it.
There is no third option wherein a dating couple shack up together to “see if it works” or “see if we are sexually compatible” or “have fun and see what happens.” That is not God’s best for you, for your life, for your relationship.
But one option, certainly available in first century Rome, would be to “game the system.” What can I do if sex is only permissible when married? Just get married. Then get divorced and remarried. If it’s just a piece of paper you could do that three times a day. What’s the problem?
This is where Paul’s teaching on marriage and divorce comes in… and where we start to see that Paul has, in fact, a very high view of what marriage is and what it requires.
Marriage is for life:
1 Corinthians 7:39–40 ESV
A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord. Yet in my judgment she is happier if she remains as she is. And I think that I too have the Spirit of God.
This is a principle. There are exceptions to this rule… even in this passage. Up above:
1 Corinthians 7:10–15 ESV
To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife. To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.
The “brother or sister” is not enslaved. That is, they can remarry.
But here the intent of Paul’s words throughout this passage.
Paul is saying marriage is for life. It is an absolute commitment. We should not be combing the Scriptures looking for excuses to leave our marriage. Where are the outs? Yes, because we are sinful, broken human beings… sometimes our marriages are broken. Jesus spoke to this in Matthew. Divorce was only included in the law because “our hardness of heart.”
And there are exceptions there… but Jesus’ point isn’t “make sure you have a pass...” Divorce is always an outcome of our brokenness and sinfulness. It always leaves scars. It is nobody’s first choice and nobody goes into marriage thinking that’s the plan.
Paul speaks here to a spouse abandoning another one, here an unbeliever. Jesus speaks to adultery. Some churches comb through these kinds of passages to come up with rules about whose marriages or divorces or remarriages are “Biblical” and acceptable and who should be shunned or rejected because theirs aren’t: as if divorce and/or remarriage is the unforgivable sin.
This is not how it works!!!
Paul writes wise and compassionate counsel to people where they are now to guide their next decision. He does not write to use and abuse his words to scorn or condemn people for their brokenness and past sin.
Amen.
He counsels us to take marriage seriously, sacredly, it is a high lifetime commitment. And so, at last, we get to his counsel to those who are married.

Conjugal Rights

1 Corinthians 7:1–2 ESV
Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.
Again we are back to Paul’s personal-but-wise opinion: singleness should be plan A, but if your sex drive will distract you too much, you should see about getting a spouse. It sounds a bit rough and harsh to me, but I think Paul’s a pretty blunt guy.
How blunt? Let’s talk about “conjugal rights”, shall we?
1 Corinthians 7:3–4 ESV
The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
What does “conjugal rights” mean? Exactly what you think it means.
This translation (ESV) is definitely interpreting a bit here, nothing says “conjugal” in the Greek, it just says “duty”. The husband should “fulfill his duty” and likewise the wife. The context is clearly “sex”… but I do think this applies more generally in a second.
What is the problem here?
“Hey, honey, it’s business time. It’s Wednesday night!”
She says “I have a headache!”
And he says “Nope, I have authority over your body, so you have to.”
And she says “I have authority over your body, so you’re not allowed to!”
It’s a total impasse. This doesn’t work. What’s going on here?
This happens all over in Scripture, especially in these kind of marriage passages. Men, we want to hear the passages addressed to the women and make sure they are listening. “Wives, submit to your husbands!”
My beloved sisters in Christ… maybe you want to do the same? “Men, love your wives as Christ loved the church, giving himself up for her.”
In both cases, those aren’t talking to you!!!
He says to the husband, give to your wife.
He says to the wife, give to your husband.
If both are demanding their rights over the other… this is a total impasse.
If both of you are seeking to give, to surrender, this is a beautiful and wonderful thing. And that absolutely applies in sex. You want a great sex life? Be selfless, sacrificial, giving.
You want to shut it all down? Seek only your own pleasure… or demand your “rights” from your partner. Here is where this leads:
1 Corinthians 7:5 ESV
Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Maybe this sounds familiar.
I’m mad at you… so I’m going to punish you by withholding my affection. Maybe that’s physical, maybe that’s my time and attention.
You’re mad at me. You aren’t attracted to me… or in the mood… or it’s too soon to pursue physical affection.
Now I’m mad that you’re mad, I can’t believe you are making this such a big deal!
We know how quickly this can become a race to the bottom… and it takes someone giving up their pride to build that bridge back. “I love you” “I’m sorry” “Let’s go to bed.”
This is hurtful and harmful and drives us apart.
But it is also the “devil’s playground.”
How often does Satan attack us through our families? Through our marriages? How many Christian men have had their ministries destroyed through sexual temptation. Most recently, Ravi Zacharias. Heartbreaking.
I’ll tell you right now, in large and small ways, my family is under spiritual attack. I believe it is because we are mobilizing as a church, being effective for His Kingdom, for His glory… and Satan will seek to attack wherever he can.
May our marriages be a source of strength and encouragement… an unassailable fortress!
May our families be bastions for the Kingdom. Untouchable and unshakable.
And that starts with you. Giving up your pride. Giving up your rights.

Learning to Love

And this is what it boils down to: how do we learn to love one another.
That doesn’t come for free. When you’re really getting to know people, marriage is a place for that, family is a place for that… but when you push past the “nice” social fronts we all have and really get to know someone: there’s some ugly in there.
There’s some ugly in me. Brokenness and hurt, shortness, meanness, pride, defensiveness.
How does my wife learn to love that? (Seriously, though, how?)
That is what we are doing in marriage. That is what Jesus commands us to do in life. Even here, with one another. “Love one another as I have loved you.”
Yes, in marriage.
Yes, in family.
Yes, in church.
Paul’s words here to married couples remind me of his words to the church in Rome:
Romans 12:10 ESV
Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.
Outdo one another in showing honor.
That is the contest. That is the battle. Not “who is getting their rights” but “how can I race to give?” To give honor, to give love, to serve, to humble myself again and again?
You are where you are to learn to love.
That is the command before you. You are here in church, learning to love your brothers and sisters in Christ.
Paul is not giving counsel on how to condemn the divorced, married or remarried… he gives pastoral counsel to those who are single, engaged, married, divorced or widowed.
Paul doesn't counsel people to "stay single" because he has a low view of marriage but because he has a very high view of marriage. In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul sets the bar for marriage high: marriage is an all-in for-life commitment, giving up one’s right and privileges for the other. So much strife in marriage (and relationship) comes when our focus is on what we want, we need, we deserve. In marriage, as in life, we seek to learn how to love better. We should outdo one another in showing honor (Romans 12:10)… to love as Christ loved the church (Eph 5:25). Our present circumstances are exactly where God wants us to love - because He first loved us, as He has loved us.
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