The Shadow
Notes
Transcript
Hello Everyone… My name is Wes. I am the son of Tom Thompson, who founded the Refuge 20 or so years ago.
I know I don’t know many of you… this has been a weird season. I am not scared of all this, but I am high risk and am trying my best to be safe and also stay sane.
But a little bit about me…
I have a wife named Amber we have two children (Stella and Clive)
7 1/s half years ago I planted Veritas West (this church)
I’ve been on staff at the Refuge since 2016 and moved into the role of Executive Director in 2018, which basically means I help lead the staff and oversee the direction of the ministry, while focusing more closely to the residential side of things.
But let me tell you, the last couple years have been a journey… and there have been dark and hard days for me.
I want to start our time together by listening to a song.
I’m typically not a Macklemore fan, too poppy for me… but this song has stuck with me this past week or so.
This idea of our Shadow side.
Macklemore writes, “You think the secrets you keep stay between you and me... But the shadow's attached to your heels”
Man, I know that feeling!
“Lies and secrets, Tessa, they are like a cancer in the soul. They eat away what is good and leave only destruction behind.” ― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince
Friend, do you know your shadow? Are you still keeping secrets?
Today is going to be more reflection than it is sermon… but the scripture text I want to spend some time thinking through is found in Romans 7:15…
For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.
Paul is hinting at a very significant experience that many human beings run up against...
This idea of what I am calling our “SHADOW” side...
some people call it “false self”
and we live in a world that ignores this reality…
We live a culture that focuses purely on strength!
Do what feels good
Do what you desire
Go after what you want
All that matters is what you love
Follow your heart
This idea of a SHADOW goes unnoticed.
Paul was aware of his shadow side.
He is describing this tension (that within me there is):
Good vs Evil
Beliefs vs. Actions
Rational Brain vs. Emotional Brain
Sinner vs. Saint
What I say vs. What I do!
Winter of 2018, I was hitting a wall.
Emotionally I was spent.
Planted Veritas (what was then Refuge Church) in Summer of 2013… and next 5 years were spent launching that and navigating all the relationships, trauma’s, hardships, divisions, broken friendships, disappointments that come with starting something new… let alone planting a church with close friends for a group a completely broken people, of which I was and am!
I was very confident in myself when we started.
I knew the things to say.
I thought maybe I was prepared for this...
But my soul, my internal world… thoughts, emotions and temptations were becoming overwhelming and dark!
I’d been meeting with my counselor regularly and continuing to address my problematic behaviors and ways of thinking… at least the best I could at the time...
But I just got to a point that it was all TOO MUCH!
This is hard to read, but here is my journal entry from December 26, 2018… so the day after Christmas almost 2 years ago...
Titled, “I am so full of shit”
“This Christmas marks the lowest I think I have ever been. I don’t like myself. I am worse than I ever thought I was. I am selfish. I am proud. I am a phony. I have believed the charade. I am a terrible husband, a mediocre father, and a hypocritical Christian -- a selfish friend, a busy and agitated pastor. I don’t fit anywhere because I don’t deserve to be known by people. I am awful. I use people for my gains. I want to be successful, that drives me, and anything else but that drives me to despair. Isn’t that terrible? I preach against that all the time. Why am I so terrible? Did I really not see or was I believing the delusion?
As a result: I am tired, agitated, lonely, selfish, lustful, ashamed, guilt-ridden, sad, angry, frustrated, skeptical, narcissistic, cynical, spiteful, and despondent.”
Not good times...
Not all of this was true… but I was bursting at the edges… and as you can tell, I was really angry at myself.
I coached others to take care of their own soul and I wasn’t taking care of my soul.
I preached about resting in Christ and I was FAR FROM IT.
And I kept compulsively taking on responsibility…
people praised me for getting things done and I was involved in so much.
BUT I WAS COMPLETELY DEPLETED.
My soul couldn’t take any more.
I was vulnerable and close to probably making some really poor choices if things didn’t change.
Evil knows we are more prone to unwanted behaviors and destruction when we’re vulnerable.
I was battling crazy lustful thoughts and temptations, thoughts of suicide… my self-talk was angry…
I was pissed at myself.
And on the outside I kinda kept it together…
But on the inside a hard shell was forming
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For me, I was letting Evil’s cycle of shame run free in my heart and soul.
Shame tells us, “we’re no good. We don’t belong. No one could ever love you. Nothing good could ever come from you. You’re useless! You’re a failure.”
And as an enneagram 3, I tried to achieve and achieve and do good and do good,
and run from that shame and hide from that shame and ignore that shame until I just couldn’t anymore.
I just couldn’t do it. I would rather die.
I was so tired.
I remember sitting in my office with a married couple who’s marriage was imploding and I was sitting there while they were fighting… and all I could think about was doing or saying whatever I could to get out of that room…
and that might sound funny… but at the time in that moment this demonic shame voice would whisper in my ear… “see, you’re a terrible pastor, you’re a terrible person… you phony...”
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So to make a long story short… I met with my pastors and my family. And decided to transition out of my role as a pastor… spent 6 months transitioning the church to Phil Shimer and the other elder team… and I resigned
and have spent the last year and a half fighting for my soul… setting boundaries, saying “no” to things I don’t have margin for… recognizing my limits and my losses, facing my demons…
Men, I’m with you. I’m trying to practice the same things you guys are working on… I’m dealing with my story and I’m trying to confess my crap, and process my false self and really trying to except the radical unmerited love of Jesus that absolutely blows me away !!!
I have a shadow side.
You have a shadow side.
But I don’t want any more secrets. I’m done pretending and posturing. I want to experience the freedom from shame that only comes from excepting the truth that GOD LOVES ME!
For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.
Define SHADOW side:
Our shadow represents the thoughts, emotions and behaviors that contradict our beliefs and values. [REPEAT]
In other words, when we say be believe something, but we do something in violation of that belief —> that is false self stuff, that is SHADOW stuff [REPEAT]
And in my opinion, it’s what causes the majority of our shame, guilt and fear… this causes human beings soooo much anxiety.
Like… “I can have a belief that it’s bad and not helpful to lie and cheat, but then go exhibit behavior’s that are dishonest and deceitful.”
“I can say I believe I need healthy relationships with others but then treat people in such a way that is in violation of what leads to healthy relationships.”
And listen, unless you’re a complete sociopath, this will cause you ANXIETY, STRESS, GUILT, SHAME… the list goes on and on…
I am on a pathway to mental breakdown and the soul unraveling when my BELIEFS and BEHAVIORS contradict each another. [REPEAT]
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>>>A few reflections for us today<<<
We are at War
We are in a mental, emotional, physical… but most importantly… we are in a spiritual war.
First, we all need to realize what is at stake.
Because some of us need to WAKE UP.
Please hear me… Evil wants to kill you, friend.
Some of your desires and thoughts are evil.
Straight up.
We need to wake up to this reality.
And it’s so easy for us to lie to ourselves.
It’’s so easy for us to pretend.
It’s so easy for us to try and cut corners… and in the end, THAT ALL ONLY HURTS OURSELVES MORE AND MORE AND MORE!!!
But somehow that is more comfortable then getting honest with ourselves!
If you’ve started to hide, lie and pretend again… how has that worked out for you in the past?
How has that played out?
Read the script man?
You are not the exception to the rule. You will get burnt, you will get caught, you will only hurt yourself and others.
I am not trying to scare you.
I hope this isn’t at all NEW… but this is meant to be a reminder!
We are at war — for our families, for our children, for our bodies, for our minds, for our hearts, for our SOULS!!! EVIL IS OUT TO KILL YOU!!!
(first reflection and reminder) WE ARE AT WAR!!!
GOD HELP US!!
You Have to Battle with Awareness
Awareness, Self-Awareness, God Awareness… the purpose of things like meditation are actually very simple —> It’s about nurturing the ability to PAY ATTENTION. To see what is happening in you and around you.
You know who lies to you more than anyone else?
YOU DO!
A lot of the battle is a battle of awareness… Am I seeing what’s real?
Do I really see what’s true?
This is what’s hard for someone with a brain affected by trauma or someone who is susceptible to addictive behaviors… IMPULSE CONTROL is a struggle. You have to get your mind and body to slow down.
In other words, you have to build new habits that cultivate AWARENESS!
Evil’s most powerful weapon is that of pride and deceit.
The Serpent asks Eve in garden of Eden in Genesis 3… “Did God actually say don’t eat of any tree in the garden?… You know you won’t die… you will actually be enlightened...”
In other words, “God is trying to rob something from you… God is really trying to take something from you… God doesn’t love you… God doesn’t have your best interests in mind… God is against you!”
“IF you eat it you will be a God!”
Then in Luke 4 — Right after Jesus is baptized, signaling the beginning of his ministry… he is tempted by Satan in the desert...
Satan tells Jesus, “I will give you glory, I will give you authority, I will give you riches… I will give you food… He showed Jesus all the kingdoms of the world in a vision and said, I will give you all this, just worship me!!!”
The Importance and Problem with Awareness
Awareness is so crucial… because Awareness simply means… am I seeing what’s really happening...
And we’re speaking particularly… am I self-aware.. Do I know what’s happening within me? Do I know my SHADOW?
But Awareness is also problematic...
Because, as I just said, Evil is so cunning in deceiving us about ourselves.
Evil offered Eve a chance to be God, and ALL she got was shame and pain as a result of her distrust of God. She got separation and loneliness. This is how evil works.
Evil offered Jesus worldly glory and fame and fortunately for us he stayed true to his HUMBLE CALLING!!!
Everyone around Jesus wanted him to become a king… and he help telling them, “you don’t understand, that is not the way.”
Because it was in death that life was really found.
What in you needs to be put to death?
And what in you needs to be nurtured back to life???
Mike said you discussed Mathew 16 last week
For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?
The answer is obvious… NOTHING!!!!
NOTHING is more valuable than the souls of men.
For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
What needs to be put to death in you?
What needs to be nurtured back to life?
Maybe you’re still holding on to things from your past?
Maybe there’s parts of you that were left behind back in childhood?
Maybe your childhood was robbed from you?
Maybe you hurt some people?
Maybe some people hurt you?
And what lingers now is a SHADOW… I can’t really see it, but it’s always with me.
I’m not quite sure how it’s impacting me, but I often am finding myself thinking, feeling and behaving in ways that go against what I really say I want!!!
Parts of us have been broken and shattered.
The War has beat some of the goodness out of us…
The War has left us scarred and with missing pieces and parts…
The War has left it’s mark...
SO instead of ignoring it… I really do need to grow in my AWARENESS of it. (Life Map, Enneagram, etc)
We are at War
You Have to Battle with Awareness
Jesus is the Healer
For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.
Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?
Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.
In order for something to die, something else must take it’s place
In order for the SHADOW to be diminished in us, something else must be exalted.
In order for our wounds to be mended, someone must come to heal them.
Friends, we cannot heal you and you cannot heal yourselves…
But Jesus can.
Jesus said "NO” to Evil’s offer of fame and riches for the alternative path…
Jesus walked a path of scorn and shame so you don’t have to..
Essentially he walked the path we deserved to walk, so that we don’t have to!!!
In Jesus, we can find healing.
And it’s in God that we can face our SHADOW, we can face our demons, we can come with our wounds… because none of our past and pain shocks Jesus.
We can stop pretending.
We can stop faking it.
In Jesus, there is peace and joy and hope!
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We are at war
We must fight for awareness, knowing what is real
Jesus is the healer
and he always invites us into his community (the Church)
healing is a communal process ( we cannot do it alone)
we need one another
***Let’s Pray and then maybe a time for any thoughts, reflections or questions...