Following Jesus In Your Marriage
Colossians Series
Following Jesus In Your Marriage (Col. 3:18-19)
By Bill Denton
Introduction
A. Illustration
After reading a book called Man of the House during his commute home from work, the enlightened husband stormed into the house to confront his wife. Pointing his finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law. Tonight you are to prepare me a gourmet meal and a sumptuous dessert. Then, when I’m done eating, you're going to draw me a bath so I can have a relaxing soak. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife responded, "My guess is the funeral director."
Mikey's Funnies
1. Unfortunately that little story illustrates the all-too-common approach of both
spouses in a marriage
a. the husband - an overbearing, demanding, abusive, lout who constantly
insists that he is the head man and everybody else needs to bow down in
total obedience
b. the wife - a tricky, cunning, deceitfully suspicious person who is constantly
figuring out ways to get around her husband and get her own way and who
becomes emotionally distraught at any suggestion that her "rights" are
under fire
2. I may have exaggerated slightly -- but only slightly!
B. I've done enough marriage counseling to know that among church-going couples, the Bible
is often used as proof that the fault lies with the other person, but they're quoting the
wrong verse
1. Husbands will quote the passages that tell wives to be submissive as if all the
problems in the marriage will disappear if the wife will just do what he wants
2. Wives will quote the passage that tell husbands to love their wives as if all the
problems in the marriage will disappear if the husband will do what she wants
C. To be honest, that's pretty much how many Christians have read their Bibles and it's not far
from how a lot of preachers have taught it
1. Let me just say that if you're harboring such thoughts, you're a long way from
filling your role in marriage as God wants
2. Marriage, for Christians, is determined by how you follow Jesus - a fact not always
understood
I. The Foundation For Marriage Is Following Christ
A. Whatever Paul meant in Col. 3:18-19, it is part of a broader discussion, and it cannot mean
something at odds with that broader discussion
1. Colossians 2:8-13
8See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception, according to the tradition of men, according to the elementary principles of the world, rather than according to Christ. 9For in Him all the fullness of Deity dwells in bodily form, 10and in Him you have been made complete, and He is the head over all rule and authority; 11and in Him you were also circumcised with a circumcision made without hands, in the removal of the body of the flesh by the circumcision of Christ; 12having been buried with Him in baptism, in which you were also raised up with Him through faith in the working of God, who raised Him from the dead. 13When you were dead in your transgressions and the uncircumcision of your flesh, He made you alive together with Him, having forgiven us all our transgressions, NASB95
2. Colossians 3:1-2
1Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. NASB95
3. Colossians 3:5-10
5Therefore consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry. 6For it is because of these things that the wrath of God will come upon the sons of disobedience, 7and in them you also once walked, when you were living in them. 8But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth. 9Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, 10and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him— NASB95
4. Colossians 3:12-15
12So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; 13bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. 14Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. 15Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. NASB95
B. Here's the point you can't escape - when a person becomes a disciple of Jesus, he is not just
saved from the consequences of his sins, he is born again into a new life, one that is ruled
by Jesus and based on a divine standard of behavior - and it includes marriage relationships
II. How Does A Jesus-Following Wife Behave In Marriage?
A. The consistent biblical answer is that she voluntarily submits to her husband
1. I want the men to pay attention to the fact that there is no verse telling them that are
to demand submission, or force submission on their wives
2. Submission is to be a voluntary thing, and from the woman's point of view, is very
much a part of her overall following of Jesus as his disciple
B. Paul is very concerned about marriage, the family, and the proper kind of relationships
developing between husbands and wives
1. In today's world, Paul's words sound outdated and offensive to many
a. Paul is often accused of being a woman-hater and his teachings are accused
of promoting an offensive subjugation of women
b. nothing could be further from the truth - we need to read these words not only
in their context, but in light of real-life in the ancient world
c. Barclay - "under Jewish law a woman was a thing" - she was property like his
house, flocks, or material goods, and she had few legal rights
d. Barclay - "In Greek society, a respectable woman lived a life of entire
seclusion"
e. Barclay - "Under both Jewish and Greek laws and custom all the privileges
belonged to the husband and all the duties to the wife"
2. Paul effectively made marriage a partnership, totally turning the concept of marriage
in the ancient world on its head
a. are there legitimate differences in roles for husbands and wives, and do those
roles include giving the husband a greater authority role - it surely seems so!
b. but there the similarities with ancient marriage seem to stop - whatever the
authority of the husband, it is not imposed on the wife against her will, it is
chosen by the wife as an acknowledgment of God's design for marriage
C. Beyond this, read "submission" in the context of Paul's letter to the Colossians
1. In light of a woman who has died to self and risen to a new life in Christ
2. In light of a woman no longer seeking things of this life, but seeking things above
3. In light of a woman no longer guided by worldly philosophies or customs based on
human ways of living, but living her life based on the gospel of Jesus Christ
III. How Does A Jesus-Following Husband Behave?
A. You cannot read the first three chapters of Colossians and find - an overbearing, demanding,
abusive, lout who constantly insists that he is the head man and everybody else needs to bow
down in total obedience - definition of a husband
1. Both in Colossians and in Ephesians, we have very direct, specific statements about
a husband's responsibility to his wife
a. Colossians 3:19 -- 19Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered
against them. NASB95
b. Ephesians 5:25 -- 25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the
church and gave Himself up for her, NASB95
2. The plain direction of scripture is that husbands are to love their wives
a. this is not some emotionally based, pitty-pat heart-beat, sweaty palm thing
b. this love is the love Jesus had for the church that moved him to choose a
selfless, sacrificial behavior on his part that the church might benefit
c. men, if you want a good picture of what it takes to be a good husband to your
wife, then fix a picture of Jesus dying on the cross in your mind - that's love
3. 1 John 3:16 -- 16We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we
ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. NASB95
B. Men, I'll tell you something else you need to think about - if you want a wife who is willing
to submit to you, you will never get it by demand nearly as fast nor as completely as if you
will love her like Jesus loved the church, giving yourself unselfishly to her and in a way that
benefits her, and allowing her to choose of her own free will to be submissive
1. You can get your wife to submit by beating her down, but if you do, you will have to
keep on beating her down to get anything resembling submission, and she will always
be keeping something back from you
2. No man who crowns himself is really king of his castle, but the man whose wife
willingly honors him as her head has a truly unique honor
C. Sociologist Maggie Gallagher writes:
The reality of family life is that men have to really give quite a lot to women and to children in order to make things work. They have to give up a lot of autonomy, give up a lot of the power to do whatever they want whenever they want. They have to give up lots of income and their mission in life.
Both men and women are happier and more effective if men see this as a manly role. Most commonly, it's a ceremonial title - it's an indication that this man has agreed to take responsibility for this family. And I think men need to be honored and supported in that. But if you use the idea of headship as a reason to believe you should get your way in family life, you've missed the whole point.
Maggie Gallagher, Christianity Today (August 2004), p. 56
D. The real issue, men, is whether or not you will take the real role of authority and leadership
in your marriage and your family
1. Real leaders and authority figures do not sit around in their underwear demanding
that the little woman bring them a cold drink while they watch the ball game on TV
2. Real leaders do not simply bark commands and expect the wife to silently cater to
all their needs
3. Real leaders are something else altogether
a. real leaders understand that the brunt of family responsibility falls on their
shoulders and that means both the physical and spiritual welfare of the
whole family - and in particular a responsibility to their wives
b. real leaders understand the role of leadership is to design a strategy for the
successful life of the family, and determine how to achieve that life
c. real leaders set the example - they cannot expect others to do what they are
unwilling to do themselves
d. real leaders - spiritual leaders - see their purpose as Jesus saw his: the goal of
life is not to be served or catered to, but to serve others
4. It is a shame that Christian men, followers of Jesus, have allowed the common
stereotype of the demanding, selfish husband to exist
a. that kind of husband might be according to worldly ways of thinking, but we
have been called to something radically different
b. it's time we rise to the call of things above in the context of our marriages
Conclusion
A. The other thing we must deal with is the common human question, "Who goes first?"
1. The worldly approach is to say, "I will if you will," meaning you go first
2. The Lord has a totally different expectation - "I'll go first!"
3. What does that mean?
a. Ladies - it means a willing choice has been laid at your feet - will you take it?
b. Men - it means a conscious choice is laid at your feet - will you take it?
c. only when each takes his or her responsibility can marriage be it's best
B. Invitation