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Pure Sex #3--The best sex you'll ever have

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March 11, 2007

Pure Sex

#3 The best sex you’ll ever have!


Introduction: Fire is best in the fireplace.  Sex is best in a committed, lifelong marriage.

1. Develop the right _________________________________________________.

          A. God wants you to ____________________________________________.

                   Hebrews 13:4

          B. God wants you to ____________________________________________.

                   1 Corinthians 7:3-5

2. Create the right ___________________________________________________.

A.   ___________________________: sex begins in the ________________.

B.    ___________________________: ________________________about it.

March 11, 2007

Pure Sex

#3 The best sex you’ll ever have


ILL: A couple months ago, one of our wonderful Adventureland volunteers was helping out with the three year-olds.  They were gathered around a table covered with butcher paper and were drawing with crayons.  One little 3 year-old had drawn two people pressed tightly together.  The volunteer asked who that was, and the 3 year-old said, “That’s mommy and daddy in the bedroom having family time.”  Family time…I like it! 

Today we’re going to talk about family time.  This is part 3 of our series, “Pure Sex”, and we’re going to talk about the best sex you’ll ever have. 


Offering and Announcements:        

Speaking of family time…my son Andy and his wife Nicole are expecting!  A little girl!  Our first grandchild!  I can hardly wait!  But now I have to get used to sleeping with a grandma! 

New parking! (back of tear-off):  also remind 11 AM of two other services—more seating, more parking!

Easter in the Arena!  (Left column, left page) Sign up on tear-off tab for childcare, ushers and greeters! 

Conspiracy of Hope—drop donations in bins in the Commons.



I’m not even going to ask how many of you can identify with that!

          Joel Achenbach wrote an article for Redbook magazine entitled What men secretly love about marriage.  One of several things that men love about marriage is sizzling sex!  He writes,

          “Sex within the confines of a marriage can get hot!  In my household the opportunities are severely restricted by the constant presence of the little Achenbachs, so when we get a chance, it’s not a pretty sight.  Smoke billows from the chimney.  And this happens when we’re still undressing.

          (A man) knows that he knows he has better sex with his wife than he would with anyone else—because he and his wife have practiced.  They know all the sweet spots…”

The best sex happens in marriage…sizzling sex…because you’ve learned over time how to please each other.

God made sex for marriage.  And the best sex happens in marriage because it’s there that we learn how to make love, not just have sex.  Don’t take my word

for it; this has been shown repeatedly in study after study.

ILL: A comprehensive sexual survey done by the University of Chicago in 1994 revealed that monogamous couples are significantly happier in their sexual relationships.

          By contrast, a Harris poll commissioned by Playboy Enterprises and conducted in 1976-77 found that men who followed the playboy approach on sex had less satisfying sex than any other group to which they were compared.  (Dr. Daniel Heimbach, True Sexual Morality,)

In other words, contrary to what you see on TV and in the movies and hear about in popular culture, doing it whenever you want with whomever you want is the worst sex of all, the least satisfying.  Married couples have the best sex ever!

There’s a common-sense reason for this.  Did you notice I said that we learn how to make love?  It’s a learned activity.  How many of you went on your honeymoon expecting sexual fireworks and got a dud? After months of mounting sexual desire and anticipation, did your honeymoon fizzle instead of sizzle? I've discovered that the honeymoon letdown is incredibly common, for a couple reasons. First, because we over-plan our honeymoons, and fill them with so much activity that we're exhausted by bedtime. I always advise couples to go where they can be alone and relax, and save that explore-the-world sight-seeing tour for another time. Even more, honeymoons fizzle instead of sizzle because making love is a learned activity.

ILL: Laina and I enjoyed our honeymoon, but I think both of us agree that sex wasn't all we anticipated, simply because we were beginners--which you are supposed to be. Before you're married, when you're burning with passion and are struggling to wait, you imagine that on the first night, you'll rip each other's clothes off and proceed straight to sexual ecstasy.

It never occurred to me that making love is a learned activity; I thought it just happened--boom! Sex is like golf. I remember the first time I played golf. I thought, "How hard can this be? Hit a little white ball with a great big stick—it’s easy!" I was awful. But the more you practice and play, the better you get.

Making love is like that; the more you do it together, the more you learn what the other enjoys. You learn how to bring pleasure to your mate, which is what it's all about.  Laina and I enjoyed the adventure of learning together on our honeymoon; it was fun! But it was a learning experience. We've gotten better and better at understanding what each other likes and wants, and at meeting each other's sexual needs.

Marriage provides a couple the security to safely learn together how to make love, which is much more than just having sex.  That’s why the best sex happens in marriages.  Here are some ideas that can help you have the best sex ever.

1. Develop the right attitude.

The most powerful sexual organ in your body is your mind. Having the proper attitude toward your spouse and his/her sexual needs is the first step to sexual fulfillment. Here are two attitudes that are absolutely essential.

A.   God wants you to be faithful to your spouse.

Hebrews 13:4 "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral."

Marriage should be honored by all.  The marriage relationship is to be valued and protected. 

ILL: If you have something valuable, you protect it.  My motorcycle is parked in my garage.  Not only that, it is carefully covered—inside my garage.  I don’t want it to get dusty, or the cats to climb and claw on it.  I protect my motorcycle.  Why?  I value it.

That’s what the word “honor” means.  Marriage is to be valued and protected.  By all.  Whether you are single or married, you are to value and respect the marriage relationship. 

The first requirement for marital and sexual fulfillment is fidelity. If your spouse doesn't trust you, if your spouse doesn't believe that you are committed to him/her heart, mind and body, then your sexual relationship will never be what it should be. Why? Because it is impossible to give yourself without reservation and be completely vulnerable with someone whom you believe might hurt or desert you.

The sexual relationship is exclusive.  This is something you share with each other and no one else.  Your spouse wants and needs to know that they have full claim on your affections, that you have eyes for no one else, that you are a one-woman man, or a one-man woman. Any violation of this trust, any hint of infidelity, has disastrous consequences for sexual happiness.

ILL: Someone told me about a couple they know. Some time ago, the woman had an affair, and then confessed to her husband. Since that time, they have had no sexual relations; in fact, he can't even bring himself to touch her. He says he forgives her and wants to save the marriage, but every time he tries to get close to her physically, he imagines this other fellow making love to her, and he is repulsed. His trust has been shattered, and with it, his desire to make love.

I also know couples who have survived an affair, forgiven each other, and gone on to have a fulfilling sexual relationship. But they will tell you how difficult it was.  Relationships are built on trust, and there are few things that shatter trust like sexual infidelity in marriage.

Jesus recognized this. When He was asked in Matthew 19:3-9 if it was ok to divorce your wife for any and every reason, Jesus answered that there is only one reason for divorce: infidelity. Marital unfaithfulness. Jesus didn't say that the victim of infidelity must divorce, only that it was permissible. Jesus recognized that infidelity is such a deep breach of trust that the offended party may not be able to regain trust; the relationship is shattered. I've always thought that Jesus' words here show the depth of the pain caused by infidelity.

We’ll talk about this more in depth next weekend, but here’s a teaser.  Laina and I protect our marriage by carefully guarding our love and affection and making sure that no outsider is allowed to share what belongs only to us.  Practically, this means so much more than just avoiding adultery—physical infidelity.  It means we guard our hearts against mental or emotional infidelity.  Here are three guidelines I use as a married man.

·        I am never alone with another woman.  A well-known older pastor has three rules for married men: 1-never be alone with a woman.  2-never be alone with a woman.  3-never be alone with a woman.  It’s good advice.  I don’t have lunch or dinner or coffee alone with another woman.  I don’t ride in a car alone with another woman.  Call me prudish.  Call me crazy.  I call me happily married.

·        I am careful about my working relationships with women.  I know that the workplace is the biggest hotbed for extramarital affairs, so I’m very careful to make sure that working relationships are just that, nothing more.  Be careful at work!

·        I guard my thoughts.  I don’t allow myself to fantasize about someone other than Laina.  Mental infidelity always precedes physical infidelity. 

Matthew 5:27-28 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Jesus doesn’t forbid looking.  He forbids looking lustfully.  It’s not wrong to look and admire; it’s wrong to look and desire.  Every man in the room looks at women.  But you don’t have to look lustfully, you don’t have to fantasize.  If a wrong thought pops into your head, you don’t have to entertain it.  Martin Luther said, “You can’t stop a bird from flying over your head, but you can stop it from building a nest in your hair.”  Guard your thoughts.

This is why pornography is wrong.  You are looking lustfully. You are not guarding your heart, your thoughts.  It is mental infidelity.  And I’ve never met a wife who didn’t feel hurt, betrayed and degraded when her husband used pornography. Men, if you are struggling with pornography or sexual purity in any way, we have groups to help you: Pure in Heart on Monday nights, Pure Desire on Tuesday nights.  Please call Pastor Randy Sylvia at our office, 327-4422.

Be faithful—physically, mentally, emotionally!  I encourage you to communicate to your spouse that you are totally committed to them. I tell Laina every day that I love her; I also tell her

·        that I always will,

·        that we are married forever,

·        that I am unreservedly hers,

·        that I am a one-woman man,

·        that I have eyes for her alone,

·        that I belong to her alone, heart, mind and take me!!!

Fidelity is first. It is the foundation of sexual fulfillment.    A second attitude:

B. God wants you to meet your spouse's sexual needs.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

Notice three things.

First, the apostle Paul says that a married person is responsible to meet the sexual needs of his/her spouse; that we are to fulfill our marital duty to one another. To “fulfill your marital duty” is clearly referring to meeting our partner’s sexual needs.  My marital duty is to satisfy my wife!  If she wants me or needs me, she gets me!  Woohoo!  “Hi honey, I’m here and I’m reporting for duty!”  And Laina’s marital duty is to satisfy me. 

          Second, your body is not your own.  It also belongs to your spouse.  My body belongs to Laina; she can have it anytime she wants!  And her body belongs to me.  This means very simply that if your spouse wants to have sex, your answer is…yes!  Your body belongs to your spouse and if he wants it, if she wants it, the answer is yes!

Third, don’t deprive each other.  We are not to refuse to have sex except for mutually agreed upon times of prayer; and when we're done praying, we're supposed to make love again so that we aren't tempted to satisfy our sexual urges sinfully outside of marriage. Paul recognized that if our sexual needs aren't met inside of marriage as God intended, we will be tempted to meet them outside of marriage, so he says, don't deprive each other; meet each other's needs. 

I have talked with couples who have gone weeks, months and sometimes years without sex; that was why I was talking with them! The average couple has intercourse 1-3 times a week, which is not surprising since a healthy man produces enough semen in 48-72 hours that he feels a pressure that needs to be released. In other words, God designed our bodies for regular sexual release. And when couples go weeks, months and years without intercourse, they are violating the way God created them, and begging for trouble.  Ladies, you have a cycle every 28 days; men have a cycle too—every 48 hours!

How important is sex to a man?

ILL: An older man with heart trouble was warned by his doctor that any unnecessary physical exertion could kill him, but he continued to have sexual relations with his wife. At times he endured a body-rending experience of shock afterward--his heart palpitated, his face lost its color, and his hands and feet turned cold and clammy. Sometimes it took one or two hours before he could even get off the bed. When his doctor suggested that he ought to be careful or he could kill himself making love to his wife, he quickly responded, "Oh!! What a way to go!!"

God says, "Don't deprive each other."

The point of these verses is that we should meet the needs of our spouse.  When sex becomes selfish, when it’s all about you satisfying your needs or urges, it destroys the very satisfaction you seek.  Putting the other person first, trying to meet their needs, always makes it better.  When it’s selfish, you’re not loving your spouse; you’re just using your spouse to love yourself, and that is not a satisfying relationship. 

Develop the right attitude: be committed to full fidelity (heart, mind and body), and to meeting the needs of your spouse. The goal of marriage is to love your spouse, not just love yourself through him or her.

2. Create the right atmosphere.

         Once we have developed the right attitude, we need to create the right atmosphere.  How do we do that?  Two suggestions.

A. Affection: sex begins in the kitchen.

Dr. Kevin Lehman wrote an excellent book entitled, Sex Begins in the Kitchen, and he’s right!  Good sex doesn't start at bed-time; it starts at breakfast time, with the way he treats her. Most women are not interested in sex without affection or romance.

Well-known American sexual expert Jerry Seinfeld says, "The difference between men and women is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and we can be ready in two minutes. Women, however, are like the fire.  They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be just right for it to occur." Jerry's on to something. Most wives don't just want affection and romance; they need it!

Men and women tend to be different at this point. For a man, romantic experiences with his wife are warm, enjoyable and memorable, but not essential. For a woman, they are her lifeblood. Her confidence, her sexual response and her zest for living are often directly related to those tender moments when she feels deeply loved and appreciated by her man.

·        That is why flowers and candy and cards are more meaningful to her than to him.  I've never understood why women like flowers! They're expensive and they wilt!

·        This is why she is continually trying to pull him out of the television set or the newspaper, and not vice versa. I've never had to ask Laina to put down the paper and talk, or turn off the TV and pay attention to me; but often she'll snuggle up next to me when I'm trying to read, or stand in front of the tube and say, "Yoohoo…are you in there?”

·        This is why the anniversary is critically important to her and why she never forgets it...and why he had better not forget it!

This need for romantic love is not some quirk or peculiarity of your is the way God made women! A woman never loses the need to be romanced, while most men don't even possess that need!

Even male/female arousal patterns reflect this difference. Men are like gas stoves: they turn on instantly, and when they’re done, they turn off just as quickly.  Women are like electric stoves: they take longer to heat up, and longer to cool down.  A man's arousal curve is quick and steep, from the first point of interest to climax: it looks like Mt. Everest. A woman's arousal curve is more gradual: it looks like Palouse farmland. That is why Dr. Ed Wheat tells men "If you do what comes naturally in lovemaking, almost every time you will be wrong." What he means is that the man will naturally follow this steep curve, and he will be done and asleep in 5 minutes while his wife is still back here on the gradual slopes of arousal. If a man wants to satisfy his wife, and not just gratify his own need for release, he has to learn to slow down, and enjoy foreplay, and time his own release with the more gradual pattern of his wife.  By the way, men, 20 minutes of begging is not foreplay.  It’s all-day affection.

When a man's approach to sex is "slam, bam, thank you ma'am", it is no wonder his wife finds sex distasteful, and feels she is being used. Every woman wants to be romanced. Every woman wants to be wooed, and wanted, and made to feel special. Husbands, sex begins in the kitchen, with the way you treat her, the kindness you show her, all during the day. Your wife needs a romantic prelude to sexual intercourse.

ILL: A recent survey of women's fantasies revealed that they fantasize romance--not just sex--more than anything else, and most often a romantic interlude with their own husband.

So what can you do to romance your wife? What can you do to create an atmosphere that is conducive to maximum sexual fulfillment? (Take notes men!)

·        Plan a regular date with your wife. Take her away from the kids and the dog and the dishes, and treat her to some time of quiet conversation with you. Sit and stare at her and tell her how wonderful she is.

·        Surprise her with a card, some flowers, a small gift--when it isn't her birthday or anniversary or Christmas, and when you're not apologizing for something!

·        Call her from work and tell her that you were thinking of her, and wondering how her day was going.

·        Tell her often how much you love her, and how committed you are to her.

·        Be chivalrous: open doors for her, hold her hand in public, offer her your arm.

·        Introduce her in public with obvious pride.

·        Be sure to kiss her goodbye when you leave, and hello when you get home.

·        Give lots of hugs. Touch communicates love, so touch a lot. It might seem superfluous to you as man, but I promise you that it means lots to her.

·        Make time to talk with her. Turn off the TV, put down the paper or your book,        look her in the eye and give her your undivided attention.

·        Break the rules. If your love life is in a rut, try something new. Break some habits. Dana told John she was picking him up for lunch on Friday; instead, she had farmed out the kids to her mom, and she kidnapped John for a romantic weekend away. Her creativity inspired him, and he gave Dana a candlelight breakfast in bed and starting leaving love notes around the house.

Husbands, your wife needs affection and romance. If you don't know how to do that, ask her for help. And wives, if he asks, don't get frustrated and say, "Oh! It isn't the same if I have to tell you what to do." You might have to tell him at first...we're a little slow, but give us time, and we'll eventually get it right!

Which leads to our final point: you create the right atmosphere by communication.

B. Communication: talk honestly about it.

If we had to make a living being mind-readers, we'd all starve to death! Yet many people want their spouses to read their minds when it comes to their sexual needs and desires.    ..

ILL: One husband loved to garden; he especially enjoyed growing prize cucumbers so his wife could make pickles. During the winter, he studied the seed catalogs, looking for the newest and best varieties of cucumbers. In the spring, he eagerly tilled, planted and tended the cukes. Meanwhile, his wife spent the winters searching for new pickle recipes. Her pickles were prize­winners every year at the county fair, and visitors to their home always left with a jar of pickles. Every year, he lovingly grew cucumbers and she lovingly made pickles.

Years passed, and the husband died. The next spring, thinking their mother would want to make pickles, the couple's grown children offered to plant the cucumbers for their mother. "Thank you, kids, but don't bother," she said. "I never really enjoyed making pickles; I just did it for your father because he loved them, and loved planting the cucumbers."

The youngest son was upset because just before he died, his father had confided that he didn't like pickles or enjoy planting cucumbers; he only did it because his wife seemed to enjoy making the pickles and winning prizes.

The good news is that both husband and wife were trying to do what they thought pleased the other. The bad news is that neither of them ever bothered to ask the other if they were pleased, and they wasted all that time and effort.

Sex is like making pickles. You've got to talk about it.

Nothing is harder to talk about than sex...because nothing strikes more deeply at the root of our self-esteem, our identity, our masculinity and femininity than sex.  When a woman criticizes her husband's sexual performance, she has attacked his manhood. When a man questions his wife's sexual performance, he has assaulted her womanhood. This is touchy stuff! Perhaps you discovered this the first time you dared to talk about it after you were married, and the conversation dissolved into angry accusations, hot tears, and a cold war. So we don't talk about it, and live in quiet frustration.

But we have to talk about it. If you ever hope to maximize your sexual relationship, you need to be able to talk about it honestly.  Do you have the courage to ask your spouse, "What is it like making love with me? Are there things I do that you like or don't like? Are there things you wished I would do?" Please answer these questions honestly--but carefully. In asking them, your spouse has laid his/her heart in your hands; treat it with care.

If you can't imagine yourself talking about this, try writing a letter to your spouse. That can be a less frightening way to open up a dialogue.  Or get a good book on sex, such as Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner’s The Gift of Sex, or Restoring the Pleasure, or Ed and Gaye Wheat’s Intended for Pleasure, and read it together, talk about it, and then try what they say!

I know what my wife likes because she tells me; and she knows what I like because I tell her. But it took us awhile to arrive at a place of security and maturity where we could talk about our sex life without feeling personally threatened. But what a difference good communication has made. Talk about it!

God wants you to have a sexually fulfilling relationship.  Create the right atmosphere by learning how to be affectionate and how to communicate!

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