Relationship Tune Up (Week 6)

Michael Clark

Relationship Tune Up • Sermon • Submitted 5 years ago

Trust

Forgiveness

Reconciliation

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Forgiveness

This morning we are going to finish our Relationship Tune Up, specifically what we began discussing last week. I mentioned last week that (IMO) FORGIVENESS is the most Christ-like, the most God-like thing we could ever do. Let’s look at God’s character and nature as it regards forgiveness.

At God’s core, it is who He is. He is a gracious and forgiving God, slow to anger and abounding in love. He is the hallmark of second and 122 chances. He is the ultimate forgiver.

We even examined the purpose for Christ coming; it was to seek and to save that which was lost (). The primary means for which Christ brought forgiveness and reconciliation in our lives was through His death. It was through the shedding of His blood, through His covenant promises, that the forgiveness of sins was made ().

What Christ did for us he now want to do in us and offer through us.

Ephesians 4:31–32 NIV

31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

ephesians 4: 31-32

NIV31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

The Scripture continue to tell us.

Colossians 3:13 NIV

13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

In looking at the life of Joseph, we saw a story filled with dreams, betrayal, deceit, temptation, misunderstandings, and opportunity for life-long hurt and bitterness in unforgiveness.

Genesis 50:15–21 NIV

15 When Joseph’s brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, “What if Joseph holds a grudge against us and pays us back for all the wrongs we did to him?” 16 So they sent word to Joseph, saying, “Your father left these instructions before he died: 17 ‘This is what you are to say to Joseph: I ask you to forgive your brothers the sins and the wrongs they committed in treating you so badly.’ Now please forgive the sins of the servants of the God of your father.” When their message came to him, Joseph wept. 18 His brothers then came and threw themselves down before him. “We are your slaves,” they said. 19 But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? 20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. 21 So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.

Genesis 50:15-20

His brothers still fearing Joseph’s retaliation and retribution for their wrongdoing use their father’s death as an opportunity for self-preservation. They put words in their dead father’s mouth essentially asking for their own forgiveness for what they had done.

vs. 17 Joseph wept. (This might be the most powerful statement telling us of the condition of his heart through all of this. He could have remained bitter. He could have hardened his heart towards his brothers. He could have responded so many different ways. But Joseph wept.)

vs. 18 His brothers threw themselves down before him declaring themselves to be his slaves. Acknowledging that they were at his mercy for forgiveness.

19. Joseph shifts forgiveness and judgement to something that only God can give and carry out. Rick spoke about the effects of being judgmental in our relationships. At its core and very essence, it is something that is just not ours to give. We don’t have the right nor the responsibility to carry out God’s judgement. Not here on earth and certainly not on that final day.

What we have been given is a ministry of reconciliation. We are even warned that if we can’t give forgiveness we shouldn’t think that we can receive forgiveness.

vs. 20 Joseph recognizes the sovereighty of God in all things. That what his brothers may have indented for his harm, God redeemed for the good purposes He had planned for Joseph since the beginning of time.

vs. 21 And Joseph (because of the forgiveness at work in his heart towards his brothers) was able to bring reassurance and speak kindly to his brothers. This is the fruit of forgiveness: I am for you not against you.

TRANSITION:

I want us to build upon the ingredients we began to discuss last week that go into forgiveness. We discussed a few things that are good identifiers of forgiveness, while also discussing some ingredients that get falsely mixed in with forgiveness.

WE SAID

Forgiveness IS:

When someone hurts us, we often feel like we have the right to hurt them back—to get even. “You owe me” is the attitude of non-forgiveness whether said aloud or not. Forgiveness is giving up our perceived right to get even. Forgiveness is a cancelled debt.

Let’s take a look at a few other ingredients that often get mixed in as a component of forgiveness:

FORGETTING:

Forgiveness is not forgetting.

Most of us can remember the most painful things done to us by others in the past if we think about it.

Forgetting is a sign of brain damage!

NIV13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Part of moving towards forgiveness is to work to no longer “remember against” the other.

Forgiveness DOES allow the forgiver to begin putting the event into the past, but remembering the event isn’t the same as not forgiving. Take a look at the cartoon: there’s a way to remember the Event and there’s a way to “remember against” the other.

CARTOON

ELIMINATE CONSEQUENCES:

Forgiveness does not eliminate the natural consequences of our behavior. The world operates on the principle of cause and effect and there are some things that, once put in motion, cannot be stopped. Some damage cannot be repaired.

 Unacceptable behavior needs to be addressed.

Forgiveness does not excuse responsibility for behavior.

Whether forgiveness occurs or not, unacceptable behavior needs to be addressed.

DENIAL OF PAIN/PRETENDING:

Forgiveness is not about pretending that an event didn’t happen, or that it didn’t hurt. In fact, the opposite is true.

If canceling a debt is a picture of forgiveness, then that debt has to be acknowledged before it can be cancelled! So, denial actually prevents forgiveness from happening.

Acknowledging the hurt helps in healing and moving forward.

GRIEVING IS OVER:

Forgiveness does not mean the process of grieving is over, or the people involved are no longer feeling pain.

Forgiveness and grieving are different activities that often require different amounts of time.

Grief is the active process of working through painful feelings associated with losses in ways that promote healing of the soul.

The intensity of grief and pain often increases and decreases with the activity of life. We can be reminded of our wounds by such things as:

-specific holidays

-television shows

-seeing someone who looks a certain way

-hearing an old song on the radio.

The damage from some offenses can linger a long time, even if the one hurt has forgiven the other.

RECAP

ADD TO

I want us to discuss a couple of other things that become assumed when we discuss forgiveness. The first is TRUST.

Trust is not the same as forgiveness.

 Trust is not the same as forgiveness.

Trust and forgiveness are not the same thing. Trust is believing that you can depend on another to do what they say they will do, or not do what they say they will not do.

Trust should be given or withheld based on evidence.

 Trust should be given or withheld based on evidence.

Trust should be given or withheld based on evidence over a period of time. When trust has been betrayed, trust should not be given until the offender has:

-taken responsibility for his/her behavior -changed (or working on changing) that behavior -and continues to demonstrate that change for a period of time.

Forgiveness is a gift; trust needs to be earned. In other words, trust should be based upon the offender’s behavior following the offense. Trust needs to be earned by the offender.

 Forgiveness is a gift; trust needs to be earned. In other words, trust should be based upon the offender’s behavior following

the offense. Trust needs to be earned by the offender.

Sometimes it is wise not to trust.

 Sometimes it is wise not to trust.

Sometimes it is wise not to trust. Especially if a person has been physically or emotionally wounded, trust should be withheld until safety is assured. TRUST MUST BE EARNED BASED ON MUCH EVIDENCE OVER A PERIOD OF TIME.

It is possible, and at times wise, to forgive and not trust.

Forgiveness is not dependent upon the offender’s willingness to apologize. While trust should depend upon the offender’s demonstrated trustworthiness, forgiveness is not dependent upon the offender’s willingness to apologize.

 Forgiveness is not dependent upon the offender’s willingness to apologize. While trust should depend upon the offender’s demonstrated trustworthiness,

forgiveness is not dependent upon the offender’s willingness to apologize.

Forgiveness is the process in which we give up our perceived right to get even. The offended is free to forgive or not regardless of whether the offender ever acknowledges guilt, apologizes, tries to make amends or is even aware of the offense.

Forgiveness is often easier if the offender apologizes and changes his/her behavior. But, the offender is not in control. He or she cannot make forgiveness happen, or not happen.

The next concept we often associate with forgiveness that doesn’t just happen automatically is RECONCILIATION.

Forgiveness does not equal reconciliation.

Not Reconciliation

 Forgiveness does not equal reconciliation.

To reconcile means to restore to friendship or harmony.

 To reconcile means to restore to friendship or harmony.

To reconcile means to restore to friendship or harmony.

Forgiveness is always possible, even if difficult, because it centers on the hurt person giving up efforts to get even.

However, reconciliation is not always possible or wise.

Forgiveness is a part of reconciliation.

Forgiveness is not reconciliation; forgiveness is part of reconciliation. Reconciliation is forgiveness plus trust (that has been earned).

 Forgiveness is a part of reconciliation.

Forgiveness is not reconciliation; forgiveness is part of reconciliation. Reconciliation is forgiveness plus trust (that has been earned).

For the relationship to be restored:

 For the relationship to be restored:

Both parties must have acknowledged the pain of the offense. The offended must be pretty far down the path of forgiveness. The offender must have taken responsibility.

The offender may need to forgive him/herself and be working towards putting the event in the past.

There are times when it is a good idea to forgive and not restore the relationship.

 There are times when it is a good idea to forgive and not restore the relationship.

Sometimes, when a major offense has occurred, a person may forgive another but choose not to reconcile.

Or the offended may be looking for evidence of trustworthiness such as seeing a change of a destructive pattern over a period of time.

In any sort of dangerous situation, a person can certainly forgive but this does not mean remaining in the relationship.

Nothing said here about forgiveness suggests that a person should remain in a dangerous situation. Most of us would prefer to play down danger to ourselves, especially when the source of the danger is another family member, but staying around someone who is dangerous in a false belief that things will get better is not smart.

If you know someone (or this is you) who is in a relationship where there is physical danger or emotional abuse, where one partner is threatened or controlled by the other, encourage that person to contact someone trained in providing help with Domestic Abuse.

Benefits of

So, why would we choose to forgive? When someone has wronged us, mistreated, used, or even abused us…why would we choose to forgive them? What would be the benefits to forgiveness?

Why do you think someone might choose to forgive? [Leader: have participants share their answers before showing the following summary slide .]

Benefits of Forgiveness:

Forgiveness overcomes bitterness

Forgiveness helps you move out of pain

Forgiveness helps you increase your capacity to love

Forgiveness makes reconciliation possible

Think of someone you know who is a bitter, unhappy person.

Think of someone you know who is a bitter, unhappy person. Have them in mind? Is this person someone who forgives or someone who holds a grudge? Likely they carry around their pain and let it turn to hate. One of the benefits of forgiveness is that it overcomes bitterness.

Forgiveness also helps move us out of the pain. This process allows us to get on with our lives.

 Forgiveness also helps move us out of the pain. This process allows us to get on with our lives.

Just like working our muscles makes them stronger, working through forgiveness makes our ability to love stronger.

You could think of that Dr. Seuss story, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” Remember how the Grinch had a little heart, and then at the end of the story how his heart grew so big it broke the magnifying glass? That’s a nice picture of how we can grow in our ability to love others.

We’ve talked a lot about healthy relationships being safe.

We’ve talked a lot about healthy relationships being safe. It’s pretty hard to restore a relationship—to have it be safe when one partner is holding on to their perceived right to hurt the other back. Reconciliation can’t happen fully without forgiveness.

Forgiveness takes courage and strength.

 Forgiveness takes courage and strength.

Forgiveness often takes more courage and strength than trying to get back at someone. But as you may have heard, freedom isn’t free. If we want to be free of bitterness and hate then forgiveness is the path to take.

BUT, how do we ask for or walk in forgiveness.

Majors vs Minors

Now let’s talk about how to forgive. The “how” of forgiveness depends on the magnitude of the offense.

 Now let’s talk about how to forgive. The “how” of forgiveness depends on the magnitude of the offense.

Offenses come in different “sizes.” Think about the kinds of hurts in two categories—the Majors and the Minors.

 Offenses come in different “sizes.” Think about the kinds of hurts in two categories—the Majors and the Minors.

The minors are the less serious mistakes and offenses.

Forgive quickly

Accept each other’s imperfections

Remember your own flaws

The “Minors” are the everyday kinds of mistakes that we make.

 The “Minors” are the everyday kinds of mistakes that we make.

Great marriages forgive minor offenses quickly. In a great marriage there is a constant willingness to be forgiving of the other.

 Great marriages forgive minor offenses quickly. In a great marriage there is a constant willingness to be forgiving of the other.

Partners are less judgmental and accept each other’s imperfections instead.

An atmosphere of acceptance makes the relationship a refuge. A refuge is a place of protection from danger or distress.

 An atmosphere of acceptance makes the relationship a refuge. A refuge is a place of protection from danger or distress.

When an attitude of genuine forgiveness permeates the relationship, you become a refuge for each other.

Intimacy grows as each experiences acceptance as an imperfect person, loved at the same time.

Day-to-day forgiveness is a conscious choice. Day-to-day forgiveness is a conscious choice. We can Decide to cultivate compassion or we can Slide into criticism and judgment.

 Day-to-day forgiveness is a conscious choice. Day-to-day forgiveness is a conscious choice. We can Decide to cultivate

compassion or we can Slide into criticism and judgment.

Reminding yourself of your own flaws and mistakes helps prevent self-righteousness.

 Reminding yourself of your own flaws and mistakes helps prevent self-righteousness.

The majors are the deeper offenses and betrayals.

Go slowly

(Forgiving too quickly can be more harmful that not forgiving at all)

Get outside support

The “Majors” are the deeper offenses and betrayals.

 The “Majors” are the deeper offenses and betrayals.

The “Majors” are the deeper offenses and betrayals. This might be something like losing a large amount of money gambling, or having an affair, or abuse.

Forgiveness for the Majors should not be quick.

 Forgiveness for the Majors should not be quick.

It’s natural to want to forgive quickly and feel “normal” again. However, forgiveness for the Majors should be done at a slower pace in order to do it thoughtfully and carefully.

In fact, research shows that trying to forgive a deep hurt too quickly may actually cause more harm than not trying at all.

Why might trying to forgive too quickly turn out to be harmful? Why do you think that might be?

 Why might trying to forgive too quickly turn out to be harmful? Why do you think that might be?

We don’t know for sure why forgiving too quickly is harmful, but we think it’s like putting a band-aid on a wound without cleaning it out first. What happens if we do that? It gets infected. It appears that if we don’t take the time to really work through the pain before forgiving, then healing doesn’t happen.

Forgiving a major is very difficult. Finding healthy outside support is a good idea.

 Forgiving a major is very difficult. Finding healthy outside support is a good idea.

Forgiving a major is very difficult. Not impossible by any means, and many, many marriages survive a major offense. But it is difficult and finding healthy outside support is a good idea.

How do we ask for forgiveness?

Asking for forgiveness...

Shows acceptance of responsibility for the offense

Confirms the pain of the offended

May need to be asked for many times

Keys for the offender in asking for forgiveness. If you want to help your partner forgive you when you do something wrong:

 Keys for the offender in asking for forgiveness. If you want to help your partner forgive you when you do something wrong:

-Take responsibility.

-Apologize. It is validating and it takes humility to do well. -Look for ways to validate the feelings and hurt of the one offended.

If applicable, give Positive Commitment to Change Recurrent Patterns or attitudes that give offense.

This includes taking action to show serious determination to change, for example, taking part in programs that increase accountability for problem behaviors. Give your partner space and time to work it through. Forgiveness for something really painful or hurtful cannot be rushed.

Step 1: Begin

How to ask for

Don’t say, “I forgive you”

Say, “I’m working towards forgiving you”

Forgiving Major offenses is a process or a series of actions. It is not just a one-time event.

 Forgiving Major offenses is a process or a series of actions. It is not just a one-time event.

Forgiving Major offenses is a process or a series of actions. It is not just a one- time event.

As with any process, we start at the beginning.

It is sort of like losing weight.

 It is sort of like losing weight.

It is sort of like losing weight. Let’s say someone decides they want to lose 15 pounds. They can’t just say, “Okay, I lose 15 pounds.” You have to exercise and eat right over a period of time.

Forgiveness is the same way. A lot of times people will say, “I forgive you,” which suggests that the process is over. Really, it is better to be clear that we are at the beginning of the process, and say, “I am working toward forgiving you.”

It’s at the end of the process when we can say, “I’ve lost 15 pounds,” or we can say, “I forgive you.”

Step 2: Fight Bitterness

Talk back to negative thoughts

Remind yourself that your relationship is more than this event

Remind yourself of times you needed forgiveness

Develop compassion for the offender

When we’ve been seriously hurt, bitterness is a real danger.

 When we’ve been seriously hurt, bitterness is a real danger.

Someone once said that being hurt is like being bitten by a poisonous snake. The bite IS painful. However the real danger is in the poison. If we don’t neutralize that poison, it will course through our veins, and eventually damage the heart.

Bitterness is the poison that must be neutralized or it can take hold and damage our ability to be loving and compassionate towards others. It can cause “hard-heartedness.”

Negative Interpretation is an easy trap to fall into when working through forgiveness.

 Negative Interpretation is an easy trap to fall into when working through forgiveness.

When feeling hurt, we may be particularly susceptible to Negative Interpretations. Be prepared to talk back to thoughts such as, “My partner didn’t think I deserved to be treated better.”

It is natural for there to be two views of the incident. Try to understand and respect each other’s view. Hurt and pain will be most salient for the victim. Extenuating circumstances will be the most salient for the offender.

Working towards understanding the offender’s view and even developing compassion are the best weapons against bitterness.

 Working towards understanding the offender’s view and even developing compassion are the best weapons against bitterness.

In order to combat Negative Interpretations and bitterness, it may be helpful to ask yourself, “What was the other person feeling and what are they feeling now?”

Is there anything about your partner’s background that makes the offending behavior more understandable? Again, that does not mean it is excusable, only that it may be possible to understand more about why things happened.

When feeling hurt, it is easy to see only the hurtful behavior and overlook other aspects of the partner. It is important to look beyond the hurtful behavior and see your partner as a whole person.

Step 3: Grieve

Work through the painful feelings.

Be patient. Take all the time you need.

Grief is the active process of working through painful feelings.

 Grief is the active process of working through painful feelings. As we said earlier, grief is the active process of working through painful

As we said earlier, grief is the active process of working through painful feelings associated with losses in ways that promote healing of the soul.

feelings associated with losses in ways that promote healing of the soul.

The second stage in forgiving involves fully exploring the pain. What are some things we can do to help us grieve?

 The second stage in forgiving involves fully exploring the pain. What are some things we can do to help us grieve?

– Write in a diary, talk with a friend, and talk with the offender as desired

– Use the Speaker Listener Technique

Expect to have discussions many, many times.

Be patient. Take all the time you need.

Forgiveness takes time and work.

Forgiveness often takes many discussions between partners and a lot of work by each person individually over a long period of time. The offended chooses to work toward forgiving—to do what is in his or her power to move on down that path of letting go. That means:

power to move on down that path of letting go. That means:

-Working toward putting the issue in the past -Committing to not try to get even -Trying not to give in to a desire to hold the other in a “one down” position

o Working toward putting the issue in the past o Committing to not try to get even o Trying not to give in to a desire to hold the other in

-Resisting bringing up what’s happened in moments of anger or frustration

-Committing to not try to get even -Trying not to give in to a desire to hold the other in a “one down” position

VIDEO

PIANO MAN

Step 4: Move Forward

-Resisting bringing up what’s happened in moments of anger or frustration

a “one down” position

It is two steps forwards, one step back

o Resisting bringing up what’s happened in moments of anger or frustration

“It is ok to look back from time to time, but don’t stare!”

Watch out for unrealistic expectations.

Working through the pain in order to forgive a Major is a worthwhile process.

 Watch out for unrealistic expectations. Working through the pain in order to forgive a Major is a worthwhile process.

But as we’ve said, it is a tough road.

We can make it even more difficult if we expect to feel like we’re moving forward all the time. It doesn’t tend to work that way.

Forgiveness is a “two steps forward, one step back” kind of deal. Forgiveness is a “two steps forward, one step back” kind of deal.

We can be reminded of our wounds and thereby increase our grief at times. Expect the intensity of these feelings to continue to come and go, with the intensity and frequency to lessen over time.

If the Event comes up and triggers hurtful arguments, handle them as skillfully as you can. Even highly motivated partners will stumble. Remind yourselves that both of you are human—then keep moving forward.

Move Forward

Bonus Activity

 Introduce the next activity, on page 41.

Please turn to page 41 in your Manual. We won’t take time for you to answer the questions there, but these are good to think about when you have time.

We noted a recent comic that said: “It’s okay to look back from time to time, but don’t stare!”