Faithlife Sermons


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The cardinal was approached one day in the cathedral by a very excited young curate. "Your Eminence," he cried, "a woman claims to have just seen a vision of the Saviour in the chapel behind the main altar. What should we do?"

"Look busy," the cardinal told him.
"Look busy."                                   -ap

Two young Oklahoma women met a frog on the street. "Kiss me," the frog said, "and I'll turn into an inde­pendent oil man."

One of the women picked him up and put him in her purse.

"Aren't you going to kiss him?" the other asked.

"No. A talking frog is really worth

Something."       —Editorial in New York Times

One mountaineer to another: "It almost cost us our lives climbing to the top of Mount Everest to plant the American flag. But it was worth it. Hand me the flag."

"Me? I thought you brought it."

—Paul B. Lowncy, The Best in Offbeat Humor (Peter Pauper Press)


/ put this question to my dog, A pet who has an air: "What, may I ask, makes Man's Best

Friend Think he owns Man's Best Chair?"

—Dick Emmons in The Wall Street Journal

Wealthy man, making his will: "To my cousin, Osgood, I leave my stock portfolio and properties on the Outer Cape ... to my faithful cook, Minnie, I leave my Palm Beach estate . . . and to my nephew, Brutus, who always argued that health is more im­portant than wealth, I leave my sweat socks and jogging shoes."

—Art Sansom, Newspaper Enterprise Assn.

Counselor: "What first attracted you to this woman?"

Bachelor: "Her forthrightness, straightforwardness and frankness."

Counselor: "Why then are you now telling me you want to end the relationship?"

Bachelor: "Her forthrightness, straightforwardness and frankness."

—Roger Dunnctte in Land O' Lakfs Mirror

Truth in Real-Estate Advertising:

"Reduced to move"—been on mar­ket for years

"Close to school"—backs up on bas­ketball court

"Extra storage"—four hooks

"Luxury living"—overpriced

—Ralph C. Shaffer in The Wall Street Journal

"Country charm"—cows processing food next door

"Hidden away"—eight miles of dirt road to nearest blacktop

"Close to everything"—a holdout



| illustration: lisa soldrick |

in center of busy commercial district "Cute as a bug's ear"—and only

slightly larger

"Fixer-upper"—enter at your own

risk                               —Contributed by Don Hughes


An auto salesman in Chicago be­gan gambling and lost everything, ending up a virtual derelict. One day he found a wine bottle. When he un­screwed the cap, a genie emerged and

said that the man could have one wish.

"I want a big foreign-car dealer­ship," said the ex-salesman.

Instantly he found himself in a
brightly lit showroom, surrounded by
Chryslers and Plymouths, in the cen­
ter of Tokyo.                  — The Ohio Motorist

At a Milwaukee post office, a woman complained to the clerk that a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it takes three. "I'd like to know why," she scoffed.

The clerk thought a moment and then suggested, "The horses are a lot older now?"

 ^_ quoted by ^

Thien in Milwaukee Sentinel


Two sisters kept up a feud for 30 years. On Matilda's 70th birthday, Alice felt a pang of remorse, but it passed. Yet later, when she heard Ma­tilda was ill, she felt compelled to visit.

From her sickbed, Matilda looked sternly at her sister. At last she said in a faint voice, "The doctors say I'm seriously ill, Alice. If I pass away, I want you to know you're forgiven. But if I pull through, things stay as

they are!"                    —Sunday Post, Glasgow

Driving an energy expert through the snow and cold, an old miner spread a buffalo lap robe over their knees. "Turn the hair inside," said the expert. "It's warmer with the fur next to the body."

The miner obeyed while muffling a chuckle.

"What's so funny?" asked the expert.

"I was just thinking of that poor buffalo," replied the miner. "What a fool he was not to know a simple

thing like that."                 —Capper's Weekly

Ever check the ingredients on a canned-food label? Nitrate ... casein-ate ... glutenate . . . makes you

SOrryuate.    —Robert Brault in National Enquirer

"I'm   really  worried,"   said  one

teen-ager  to  another.   "Dad  slaves

away at his job so I'll never want for

anything and so I can go to college.

Mom spends every day washing and

ironing and cleaning up after me, and

she takes care of me when I'm sick."

"So what are you worried about?"

"I'm   afraid   they   might   try   to

escape!"   —Jack Moore, Universal Press Syndicate

Have you a jo\e for "Laughter, the Best Medicine"? See page 2 for informa­tion about payment.

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