Faithlife Sermons


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Nero has starved six of his fiercest lions for a week to assure the blood­thirsty crowd in the arena a good show. But when the first beast is released and bounds toward its victim, an amazing thing happens. The lion freezes as the Christian whispers into its ear. Tail be­tween its legs, it slinks away.

One by one, the other lions retreat after the Christian whispers to them. The crowd becomes angry, and Nero demands that the Christian be brought before him. "What do you say that makes the lions cower so?" asks Nero. "Tell me and I'll grant your freedom."

"Simple," explains the Christian. "I just tell them, 'Remember, you'll be expected to say a few words after dinner.'"

—Bennett Ccrf, Try and Stop Me (Simon & Schuster)

"Your Honor," the accused hit-and-run driver's lawyer pleaded, "that man who was injured must have been careless. My client is an experienced driver of more than twenty years!"

"If experience is the issue here," the other attorney countered, "my client has been walking for over fifty years."

—George E. Bergman in Good Housekeeping

A young woman and her date had just been seated at a fancy eatery. "Great choice of restaurants, Wendy,"

said the fellow. "It's sophisticated, classy and urbane—just like me!"

"Go ahead and try the shrimp cock­tail," she recommended.

"No, thanks. I don't drink."

—Kevin Pagan, United Feature Syndicate

At a drugstore, a wife wanted to buy shaving lotion for her mate.

"What kind?" asked the clerk.

"Well," explained the wife, "he's seventy years old. Have you got any of that Old Spouse?"

—lames Dent in Charleston, W. Va., Gazette

Overheard at a military outpost: "Halt! Who goes there?" "Lady Godiva." "Advance and be recognized!"

—Dik Browne, King Features Syndicate

An elderly farmer was brought into the hospital because he appeared confused and was thought to have had a stroke. Attempting to assess his mental status, the emergency-room physician asked, "If you have a hun­dred sheep in a pasture and seven escape, how many will be left?"

"Zero," replied the farmer.

"No, the answer is ninety-three," said the doctor.

"Fella," the farmer quipped acerbi-cally, "you don't know nothin' about   sheep.   When   one   of them



dumb critters  decides  to go, they

all go."               —Contributed by Scott Myhre

Question: What was the tow truck trying to do at the auto race? Answer: Pull a fast one.

—Henri Arnold and Bob Lee, Tribune Media Services

emember our picnics, Harry?" his lady friend rhapsodized. "I can see you rfbw, standing on the hilltop, the wind blowing your hair, and you too proud to chase it. ..."

—Contributed by Barbara A. Edmunds

"Osborne," said the duchess to a household employee, "how long have you been with us? According to my records, you were employed to look after the dog."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Mrs. Bellamy tells me the dog died twenty-seven years ago."

"Yes, ma'am. What would you like
.me to do now?"                    •

—James Unger, Universal Press Syndicate

The new father was bragging about the addition to his family, insist­ing that he and his infant daughter had many things in common.

"How can a grown man have any­thing in common with a baby only three weeks old?" asked a colleague.

"Well, for one thing," replied the father, "we both like to eat every four

hours."   —Bill Markert, quoted by Alex Thicn in Milwaukee Sentinel

"Doctor Papaboolaboolah will see you now."

"Which doctor?"

"Oh, no. He's fully qualified!"

The Pundit (The International Save the Pun Foundation)


"Who will give the bride away?" the preacher asked during a wedding ceremony.

"I could," said a voice, "but I'm keepin' my mouth shut."

The Christian Word

Traveling west by covered wagon, a group got caught in a blizzard in the Rockies. One man told his best friend, "I ain't gonna make it, Joe."

"Sure you are, Al."

"No, Joe, I ain't. So I want you to promise me something."

"Anything, Al."

"Promise when you and little Joe get there you'll name a town after me."

"Sure, Al."

"Little Joe, will you remind your pa to name a town after me?"

"I promise, Mr. Buquerque."

—Tommy Lasorda, quoted by Christopher Lehmann-Haupt in Me and DiMaggio (Simon & Schuster)

"After a member of the Methodist church missed three services in a row, the minister called on him to ask why.

"Parson," the man said, "my clothes are shabby, and I'm ashamed to go."

So the minister got a complete new outfit for him. But the next Sunday the man still didn't show. Peeved, the minister paid him another visit. He found him sitting on his front porch all dressed up.

"What's the matter, Sam?" he asked. "I expected to see you today."

"Well, I'll tell you, parson," Sam said. "When I put on these new clothes, I looked so prosperous I went to the Episcopal church instead."

—Quoted by Margaret Truman in Bess W. Truman (Macmillan)

Have you a joke for "Laughter, the Best Medicine"? Seepage 8.

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