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Family Rules Governing Family Secrets

            Claudia Black has identified three almost universal family rules in dysfunctional families.  They are:

  • Don’t Talk
  • Don’t Trust
  • Don’t Feel

            We will examine these rules in detail below.  But first let’s look at how and when these rules are employed by families:

            Every family uses some of these rules some of the time.  This point is related to the earlier observation that all families are somewhat dysfunctional.

            Some families use some of these rules all of the time.  Families tend to see the rules they use as self-evident and always desirable, without question.

            Some families use all of these rules some of the time.  That will usually occur in families with recurring stress patterns, for example, families which have experienced frequent job-related transfers, chronic illnesses, and so on.

            Some families use all of these rules all of the time.  These families have in place the most lethal of family patterns.  With no outlet for his feelings, a child in such a family never blossoms into full identity.  He or she just strives to survive.


Secrets of Your Family Tree:  Healing for adult children of dysfunctional families, Dave Carder, M.A., Dr. Earl Hensun, Dr. John Townsend, Dr. Henry Cloud, Alice Brawand, M.A., page 71

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