Sermon Tone Analysis

Marriage Is Meant for Making Children...Disciples of Jesus, Part 2

/A Father’s Conquest of Anger in Himself and in His Children/

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By John Piper June 17, 2007

 

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*Ephesians 6:1-4*

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.

“Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

The ultimate meaning of marriage—the ultimate purpose of marriage—is to dramatize on the earth the covenant-keeping love between Christ and his church.

What we saw last time was that this flesh-and-blood drama of the love between Christ and the church is the God-designed setting for making children—and for making them disciples of Jesus.

These are two purposes for marriage.

And the ultimate one creates the God-ordained setting for the other one.

Ultimately, marriage is a flesh-and-blood drama of how Christ (dramatized by the husband) loves his church, and how the church (dramatized by the wife) is devoted to Christ.

And this flesh-and-blood drama creates the setting—the physical, emotional, moral, spiritual nest—for the other purpose of marriage, namely, bringing children into the world and bringing them to Jesus.

Empty-Nesters

In the missionary prayer letter I read this week from Steve and Kim Blewett, one of our veteran missionary families to Papua New Guinea, they explained that both their children are married now (Matthew and Merilee).

So under Steve’s and Kim’s picture were the words “empty-nesters.”

Everybody in our culture knows the meaning of the term /empty-nester/.

Behind it is the assumption that one of the meanings of marriage is to be a nest for the younger birds until they can fly and find their own worms and build their own nests.

And if we are Christians, we say that the very essence of that nest is the flesh-and-blood drama created by a husband and a wife living and showing and teaching the covenant-love between Christ and his church.

That activity is the essence of the nest.

A Focus on Fathers

So the question today is: What is supposed to happen with children in this drama?

What is supposed to happen to the children that God puts in this flesh-and-blood parable of his Son’s love and the church’s devotion?

What happens in this nest for the sake of the younger birds?

In answering this question, there are two reasons why I will focus on fathers.

The less important reason is that it’s Father’s Day, and the more important reason is that in the text Paul begins by referring to /parents/ in verse 1 and then shifts to a focus on /fathers/ in verse 4.

Notice verse 1: “Children, obey your /parents/ in the Lord.”

So clearly both parents are giving guidance and instruction that can be obeyed, because the children are told to obey their parents, both mother and father.

In this nest, both mother and father are teaching and modeling and guiding and disciplining.

But then notice what happens when we get to verse 4. We might expect Paul to continue the united focus on parents and say, “/Parents/, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

But that is not what he says.

He says, “/Fathers/, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

So I made the point last time that in marriage and in this nest created by marriage, fathers have a leading responsibility in raising children.

Not a sole responsibility, but a leading one.

The way I like to say it is that if there is a problem with the children at the Piper household, and if Jesus knocks on the door, and Noel comes to the door, he is going to say, “Hello, Noel, is the man of the house home?

We need to talk.”

Not that Noel bears no responsibility.

But I bear the leading responsibility in seeing that the children are brought up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Headship Extended to Raising Children

This leading responsibility in raising the children is simply the natural continuation of the leading responsibility in relation to the wife.

Back in Ephesians 5:23, 25, Paul said, “The husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church. . . .

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” God doesn’t make the husband the leader in relationship to his wife and then make the wife the leader in relation to the children.

We husbands bear the responsibility in both directions.

If it were otherwise the children would be very confused.

In fact, millions of children today are confused and a host of personal and social problems can probably be traced to this confusion.

So when Paul says in verse 4, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord,” he is simply extending the implications of headship in relationship to our wives to the leading responsibility for the upbringing of our children.

That is what it means to be a married man: sacrificial, loving headship in relationship to our wives, and firm, tender leadership in relationship to the united task of raising our children in the Lord.

So that is what we want to think about today.

What does Ephesians 6:4 call a father to do? Someday perhaps we will do a whole series of messages on parenting.

But this is not it.

So I am going to focus only on one part of verse 4, namely, the charge not to provoke our children to anger.

Why Anger?

In Ephesians 6:4, Paul begins by saying that fathers should /not/ do something.

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger.”

Of all the things Paul could have encouraged fathers not to do, he chooses this one.

Amazing.

Why this one?

Why not, Don’t discourage them?

Or pamper them?

Or tempt them to covet or lie or steal?

Or why not, Don’t abuse them?

Or neglect them?

Or set a bad example for them?

Or manipulate them?

Of all the things he could have warned fathers against, why this: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger”?

Anger Arises Against Authority

He doesn’t tell us why.

So let me guess from what I know of Scripture and life.

I’ll suggest two reasons.

First, he warns against provoking anger because anger is the most common emotion of the sinful heart in when it confronts authority.

Dad embodies authority.

Apart from Christ, the child embodies self-will.

And when the two meet, anger flares.

A two-year-old throws a tantrum and a teenager slams the door—or worse.

So I think Paul is saying, there is going to be plenty of anger with the best of parenting, so make every effort, without compromising your authority or truth or holiness, to avoid provoking anger.

Consciously be there for the child with authority and truth and holiness in ways that try to minimize the response of anger.

We’ll come back to how.

Anger Devours Other Emotions

The second reason, Paul may focus on not provoking anger in our children is because this emotion devours almost all other good emotions.

It deadens the soul.

It numbs the heart to joy and gratitude and hope and tenderness and compassion and kindness.

So Paul knows that if a dad can help a child not be overcome by anger, he may unlock his heart to a dozen other precious emotions that make worship possible and make relationships sweet.

Paul is trying to help fathers do what he had to do with his spiritual children.

Listen to the heart-language of 2 Corinthians 6:11-13: “We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians; our heart is wide open.

You are not restricted by us, but you are restricted by your own affections.

In return (I speak /as to children/) widen your hearts also.”

So what shall we say to us dads about this matter of anger in our children?

First, we should say that this verse may not be used as emotional blackmail by the children.

Blackmail would say, “I am angry, Dad, so you are wrong.”

Some people never grow out of this childish self-centeredness: “My emotions are the measure of your love; so if I am unhappy, you are not loving me.”

We have all experienced this kind of manipulation.

We know Paul does not mean that because Jesus himself made many people angry, and he never sinned or failed to love perfectly.

Since all children are sinners, therefore, even the best and most loving and tender use of authority will provoke some children sometimes to anger.

Avoiding Legitimate Anger in Our Children

So the point of verse 4a is not that any time a child is angry a father has sinned.

The point is to warn fathers that there is a huge temptation to say things and do things and neglect things that will cause /legitimately avoidable/ anger in our children.

Most of us are aware of the obvious things to avoid: yelling, unjust and excessive punishment, hypocrisy, verbal putdowns, etc.

But even more important than avoiding the obvious aggravators, we fathers should think about what kinds of preemptive things we can do that don’t just avoid anger but diminish or remove anger.

That’s the real challenge.