Celebrating Singles
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51% of adults in Canada are unmarried. Of this number 39% are truly single, not living common law or in other relationships.
Since this is the case, we can expect that our churches also have a large percentage of singles. This is certainly true of New Life Christian.
Let’s put some descriptors around the category of “single”:
Singles can range in age from their 20s to their 80s
Some have not married
Some have married and divorced
Some are single mothers and fathers, raising children on their own
Some have married and been widowed
So we have a large group of people in this “single” category, and they represent about ___% of our congregation.
Today I want to celebrate and honour our singles in the church. Let’s take a few moments to understand their challenges, and learn how to support and love them better as valuable members of the body of Christ.
I want to preface what I am saying today that I had a lot of help putting together this message. It’s a subject I’ve been thinking about for a long time, and I’ve not only done research but have taken the time to talk to some single friends. Last summer I heard an interview of this single lady, Lisa Anderson, that was really insightful. Lisa serves as the director of Focus on the Family’s ministry for single adults, which includes a website called Boundless.org and a blog as well as a show called “The Boundless Show.” A couple of weeks ago at the Break Forth conference in Edmonton, I had the opportunity to attend a session by Lisa called “Singles and the Church”. I found it really helpful, and will be using some of her insights in this message today as well as material from a number of other sources.
As far as personal experience is concerned, I was single in the church for about 7 years if you start counting at age 18. Craig and I got married when I was 25 and he was 29. I was at college between 18 and 22 years of age, but that was a unique circumstance. In fact, it was at Ambassador College that I met Craig and many other nice guys. Craig in particular took to heart the college administration’s admonition to “date widely”. One ingenious guy in my class decided to get a T-shirt made that said, “Hi. I’m widely.” In other words, date me~! I graduated and moved to Vancouver at 22 and lived as a single here until 25. Craig and I were both active participants in the singles group in our church for those years before we married.
Now Craig and I find ourselves in a different stage of life when our children are young singles. Natasha, our oldest, will be 27 in April, and is single. Being single in this decade is incredibly challenging, and we’ve been able to journey vicariously with our kids.
In the western world, marriage is often delayed. Lisa observed 3 general reasons, although I’m sure there are more:
1. Fear
1. Fear
How many of our young people have grown up with divorced parents, being bounced from one home to another. No wonder they are reluctant to commit. They want to make sure their partner is perfect first. Unfortunately perfection in human form only happened once, and Jesus is not available at the moment. Fear and unrealistic expectations can delay marriage, even indefinitely.
2. Education & Career
2. Education & Career
Marriage is often delayed because of higher education and careers. Never has a high school diploma meant so little when it comes to employment. To get ahead our young people are not only pursuing their Bachelor of Arts degrees from university, employers are looking for Masters degrees and higher levels of expertise. This not only requires years of study but tens of thousands of dollars, probably in student loans because this kind of education is so expensive. A student loan of $50,000 or more is not uncommon for a graduate. That’s a heavy burden to bring into a marriage.
When singles do land a good job, the expectations are often very high, perhaps including travel and often unpaid overtime hours to complete tasks.
3. Self Actualization
3. Self Actualization
Never has there been so much emphasis on self actualization—the process of figuring out who you really are, where you’re going, and what you want to accomplish. This might also be a reason that some delay marriage.
Before I go any further, I want to apologize to singles on behalf of the church. We tend to be so family-centric. I know my illustrations in sermons or comments during worship tend to revolve around my experiences in marriage or my children, and many times you probably feel left out. You’ve probably had to do some mental gymnastics--”she’s not trying to make me feel left out or discouraged”--when 90% of my illustrations have to do with my marriage or some aspect of family life. Even our intercessory prayers can neglect you singles. I’m very sorry. I don’t want these to make you feel isolated, discouraged, and challenged in your relationship with God. Rather I want to encourage you and help you live joyfully in your singleness. So please accept our apologies for my lack of sensitivity, for our lack of sensitivity.
With that said, let me overgeneralize. It seems that, in general, singles are viewed by themselves as well as others as lacking something. The longer the singleness remains, the more both singles and marrieds view the situation through the lenses of loss. This is a common story I myself experienced in a very small way. What happens is that in your younger single days your friends start to get married. These married friends might try to hook you up with their other single friends in the hope that you would find your spouse.
Then as singleness persists, marrieds start to think something might be wrong with you, and singles begin to feel as though God has robbed them of something or forgotten them by not bestowing upon them this blessing of a life partner in the covenant of marriage for life. What I want to emphasize here is that both the marrieds who would view singleness as an oddity and the single man or woman who would view God having forgotten them or robbed them of a joy by not giving them a spouse are out of line with how the Word of God talks about singleness and how Jesus himself and other biblical authors rejoiced in singleness. In fact, singleness is called a gift. More about this in a couple of minutes.
What are some of the advantages of being single? According to Lisa Anderson here are a few:
Freedom with time and money
Being able to pour into friendships
Being able to go on mission trips and serve in the church
Being able to spend uninterrupted time with the Lord
Here are a few of the griefs of singleness:
Bearing life’s responsibilities alone: financial decisions, mortgage, home repairs, monthly bills.
No life partner with whom to dream about the future or shoulder the burdens of today
Annual cycle of holidays and seasons
This begins with Thanksgiving, a holiday celebrating family togetherness where if singles go to their parental home they might find themselves sleeping on an air mattress on the living room floor so siblings with spouses and children can have the guest rooms. They might be relegated to the kids table because the adult table is too full. Then there are the endless questions about their love lives, or lack thereof. These same things can happen at Christmas after long weeks of marketing imagery picturing perfect families in matching pajamas gathered around a spectacularly decorated tree. Most singles soldier through, then return home to pictures of their happily engaged friends on social media announcing their big news—or even worse, their friends’ kids getting engaged. New Year’s brings couples-centric parties, midnight smooches and promises of new beginnings. As Lisa says,
“For a single adult who’s staring down another year and fearing it will end like the last one, feeling festive or hopeful is hard.”
We don’t even need to talk about Valentine’s Day—you can imagine how that might feel. Spring ushers in the wedding season with bridal showers, bachelor and bachelorette parties, weddings, gifts, receptions—every one a reminder that it isn’t your big day.
So I hope that this message will raise our awareness, and help us love one another as a community of faith, a complete family of faith.
What does the Bible say about singles?
What does the Bible say about singles?
It’s time for everyone’s favorite game show: What Does the Bible Say? I’m going to give you two verses from Paul’s letters to the Corinthians, and you tell me which one was talking about marriage. Ready?
1“Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am.”—1 Corinthians 7:8 2 “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?”—2 Corinthians 6:14
If you answered number one, you’re correct. The second verse is about setting oneself apart in general. And while we do need to wrestle with its marital implications, its application is not strictly about marriage.
Now, for extra-credit points, which of those verses tends to get used most when talking to singles about marriage? If you answered with the second verse, you’re right again. Paul implies that singleness is actually a preferred state of being in I Cor 7, but since it is followed with “But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion” v 9 people forget the previous verse about the advantages and perhaps even the preference for Christians to be single.
Not only Paul was single, but Jesus was too! He experienced the challenges, and the advantages. He saw his friends get married, long before he left home at around age 30 to start his ministry. No doubt there were folks whispering about him in Nazareth, wondering what his problem was.
I’d like to share 4 points about singleness:
1. Singleness is a gift from God
1. Singleness is a gift from God
Let’s review those scriptures in I Cor 7 starting with verse 7. (The whole chapter is primarily about marriage, but also addresses singleness.)
I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
Now let’s look at this passage in The Message:
Sometimes I wish everyone were single like me—a simpler life in many ways! But celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriage is. God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others.
I do, though, tell the unmarried and widows that singleness might well be the best thing for them, as it has been for me. But if they can’t manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single.
Singleness is NOT a problem to be fixed: it’s actually a gift!
Look at this comment from Ron Belgau, an internationally known speaker who lectures and writes on Biblical sexual ethics and has chosen to stay single and celibate:
“Is celibacy difficult? Yes (so is marriage; so is grad school; life is pain, princess). Is it frustrating at times? Yes (but watch someone raising toddlers sometime and it may change your perspective on the challenges of celibacy). Have there been times when I wanted to give up? Yes. But is it worth it? Yes. And do I regret it? No.”
Let’s read those scriptures one more time:
Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.
When Paul speaks of singleness, and specifically the gift of singleness, he’s not saying there are these select few people who have been given the spiritual gift of contentedness in singleness. That’s not what’s being taught here. Rather, he is teaching that where you are in the circumstances of your life is God’s gift to you. If you’re married, then you’ve been given the gift of marriage, and if you are single, you have been given the gift of singleness.
God is being gracious to you and giving you gifts in your life circumstances. Now I want to add this caveat, specifically for those who are widows and widowers. It is not the loss of your spouse that is the gift. That is heartbreaking. It is the singleness that is your gift. Divorcées, it is not the heartbreak of the divorce that is the gift the Bible is speaking of and that I am talking about but rather the gift of singleness itself. God is good and He works out all things, all circumstances for our good, though it may not make sense to us at the time.
Paige Benton Brown, in her eye-opening article called “Singled Out for Good”, says this:
“I am not single because I am too spiritually unstable to deserve a husband or too spiritually mature to need one. I am single because God is good and this is his best for me.”
Singleness is your gift, single. Marriage is your gift, married. This is what God has given you in this life stage for your good because he is good.
2. Singleness has advantages
2. Singleness has advantages
We mentioned a few advantages already. Paul mentions two advantages of singleness in I Cor 7:
But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.
Here’s the honest truth: There are many wonderful blessings in marriage, but there are many difficulties too. We don’t often talk openly about the hard things we face, and perhaps that can give singles an unrealistic view of marriage. Even when a married couple’s relationship is good, life is just more complicated. There’s more than one person to consider in decisions about use of time, accommodation, holidays, picking furniture and even the daily menu. And there’s more than one person to worry about. If children come on the scene, that adds a whole new level of joy but also complication and anxiety.
So Paul mentions these “many troubles” that come with marriage chiefly because of the bearing they have on the next point:
Single people can devote themselves more fully to God’s work.
I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband.
A vital part of the Christian responsibility of married persons is to care for their spouse and children. This takes a great deal of time and energy, especially because as we mentioned already, life gets complicated. Needs multiply, and relationships get complicated.
When Craig & I were single, our church published a magazine called “The Plain Truth”. It was offered free in newsstands around the city, and Craig poured out a lot of time and energy into finding locations for the newsstands and then keeping them stocked. In fact, he was in charge of the program. I really enjoy young people so I offered to help coach the teens in volleyball and track & field, as well as chaperoning for ski trips and the Duke of Edinburgh program. I also taught children’s church.
We so appreciate singles like Dan, Anne, Louise, Carol and Ken, to name just a few of you, who have dedicated a lot of your time and energy to serving our Lord by helping at church and in our outreach efforts. We encourage all singles to devote themselves more fully to participating with Jesus in his work.
3. Singleness is hard
3. Singleness is hard
When God saw Adam on his own in the Garden of Eden, he said,
The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
So Eve was created to meet Adam’s need for companionship, and the two came together in the lifelong, sexual relationship of marriage. Although the New Testament is positive about singleness, there’s no doubt marriage is regarded as the norm. It is God’s loving gift to humanity and the chief context in which our desire for intimacy is met.
Single people are therefore likely to struggle with loneliness and sexual temptation. Those struggles are certainly not exclusive to the unmarried, but they are very much a part of the single condition. Some will seek to lessen them by getting married. Others will either choose not to marry or will feel unable to because of their circumstances, personality, or sexual attraction. They are likely to face a lifelong battle with loneliness and sexual temptation.
Those two battles are closely related. The lonelier we are, the more likely we are to struggle with sexual fantasy and fall into sin. We need to be proactive in seeking help in these areas. We aren’t designed to be on our own, and if we aren’t to be married, whether in the short or long term, we should seek to satisfy our need for intimacy by nurturing deep friendships.
That will mean taking the initiative in keeping in close contact with friends and family. And we must be self-disciplined in “fleeing from sexual immorality” (1 Cor. 6:18). It often helps to have one or two close friends to whom we are accountable in this area.
4. Singleness is not permanent
4. Singleness is not permanent
Many who are presently single will one day marry. Others will remain single throughout their lives. But no Christian is single forever. Human marriage reflects the marriage God wants to enjoy with his people forever. The Bible speaks of Jesus as the bridegroom who will one day return to take his bride, the church, to be with him in the perfect new creation. On that day all pain will disappear, including the pain of a difficult marriage or singleness. God will wipe away every tear from our eyes and a great shout will be heard:
Let us rejoice and be glad
and give him glory!
For the wedding of the Lamb has come,
and his bride has made herself ready.
So your status as single or married is NOT the biggest thing about you! Your identity is in Jesus Christ, your Lord and Savior. In him you are forgiven, redeemed, and transformed. You are profoundly loved, a cherished son or daughter of the king who holds you like a precious treasure in the palm of his holy hand. The Father is sovereign and good, and love defines Him and all his actions towards you.
We all need to remember that there’s a greater reality and greater purpose for your life than your business, your marital status, or your current circumstances. We need to orient our lives around the amazing future, around the return of Christ, the ushering in of the kingdom without bounds, the experience of the wedding supper of the Lamb. This IS the greatest reality, and we need to live for that.
So now, let’s get practical.
Remember that your life circumstances—whether you are single or married, is a gift from God. Singleness is not second best. Each state is a gift, so make the most of the one you’re in.
Do all you can to be godly. It’s easy for all of us to lapse into a selfish, self-centered life style and into sexual sin, whether in thought or deed. Be self-disciplined and accountable to others.
Be the church. We are a whole family here. We need to be opening our homes to one another, and if we are married, looking out for and including our singles.....
Include them in your gatherings, invite them to your homes.
Remember their birthdays and other important milestones, include them in your family gatherings and celebrations.
Think about what would make them feel loved, or better yet, ask them.
Ask their opinions about faith, career, family, hobbies and finances. Ask singles about their struggles without minimizing or comparing them to yours.
Share your own hurts. Ask their advice. Let’s learn from and support each other.
Remember your true identity as precious children of the Father, each of us a unique and special part of the bride of Christ.
Singles, I want you to know how much we love and appreciate you in New Life Christian, and celebrate the way you’re using your gifts and living out your faith. Please help us to love you better as we journey together toward our marriage with our bridegroom, Jesus Christ. Let’s prepare for this—the biggest, most magnificent wedding of all time.