Joyful & Triumphant

I have written this note several times in my head for over a decade, and this one finally feels right. No edits, no overthinking. I have accepted hope is nothing more than delayed disappointment, and I am just plain old-fashioned tired of feeling tired.

I realize I am undeserving of thinking this way because I truly have a great life on paper. I’m fortunate to eat meals most only imagine. I often travel freely without restriction. I live alone in the second greatest American city (San Francisco, you’ll always have my heart). However, all these facets seem trivial to me. It’s the ultimate first world problem, I get it. I often felt detached while in a room full of my favorite people; I also felt absolutely nothing during what should have been the happiest and darkest times in my life. No single conversation or situation has led me to make this decision, so at what point do you metaphorically pull the trigger?

I’m going to miss doing NYT crosswords (I was getting really good). That one charcuterie board with taleggio AND ‘nduja. Anything Sichuan ma la, but that goes without saying. A perfect plate of carbonara (no cream!). Real true authentic street tacos. Cal-Italian cuisine. Hunan Bistro’s fried rice. The pork belly and grape mini from State Bird Provisions circa 2013. Popeye’s of course. Bambas too.

I’m also going to miss unexpected hugs. Al Green’s Simply Beautiful. Cherries in July. Tracing a sleeping eyebrow. Smoking cigarettes. The Golden Gate Bridge at sunset. That first sip of iced cold brew in sticky August. Making eye contact with people walking down the street. When songs feel like they’re speaking to your soul. Jeopardy. Saying I love you. Late night junk food binges. Shooting the shit. And especially the no-destination-in-sight long walks.

No GoFundMes, no funeral, no tributes, no doing-too-much please. All I ask now is for you to have one delicious (I mean a really really great) meal in my honor and let me go, no exceptions.

It’s selfishly time for me to be happy and I know you can get down with that. Please try to remember me as a whole human you shared memories with and not just my final act. This is not your fault. It’s not exactly easy for me either, I’m here for you. I love you. I always have and I always will, I promise. Shikata ga’nai.

I’m coming home, Dad. Make some room up on that cloud and turn the Motown up.

I’m really sorry mama.

Always, TLC

I read this…and it broke my heart. I can resonate with this note…and I’m not talking about thoughts of suicide (and I’m not trying to make light of those thoughts). Joy. Fleeting joy. Happiness. I’m a bundle of inconsistencies. I love my wife, I love my son and seeing unadulterated happiness in him. I find fulfillment in a job well done… weird moments: like the time I got my first MacBook and I was able to piece together a Nintendo Gamecube emulator. It took me hours to complete… I played two seconds of Super Mario Sunshine and never played it again. I love going for bike rides…I love finishing books and organizing things. I love making people laugh…and I’ve found a new obsession: cooking and doing it well. I stinking love my Patriots. I like when they win and have a hard time when they lose. I don’t like the spotlight but know that my shadow creeps out when it feels like i’m not getting the credit I think I deserve… I’m inconsistent at best.

I don’t know the Spiritual state of Ms. Condell when she wrote this note. I know that she contemplated writing it many times before and know that, despite, success and moving to major cities and travelling she wasn’t ‘happy’—and by this, I would add, I don’t think she was joyful. She experienced fleeting moments of happiness. Our lives and days are full of these moments: when the barista gets your coffee just right. When your kid does something wonderful without you having to tell them fifty times. Happiness isn’t hard to experience, but joy is. My entire worldview as a believer has to do with the fact that I know that my joy can only be found in Jesus Christ. I know my joy is found in Jesus Christ.

If I know this… and we know this, then why don’t I experience this 24/7? Why am I not joyful amidst the storm? Where is my joy? My joy sometimes feels like the Tuesday after a long weekend…

The problem is: we are fickle. We forget and need to be constantly reminded.

We need to be reminded of what Christ has done for us… The Good News.

Romans 5:8–10 ESV

but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life.

Psalm 51:10–12 ESV

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.

2. We need to be reminded of the moment in our life where we were marked by this. And when the Gospel knowledge travelled the longest distance, namely, from the head to the heart. We’ve all be overwhelmed by this feeling of salvation… that Christ died for me and he has chosen me and now he resided in me, in Spirit and truth. We need constant reminders of this… this need for a reminder doesn’t dilute what Christ has done… it highlights the fact that we are prone to wander and get into ruts…it highlights the fact that we could never do what Jesus did. We tried it our way…and it never works.

Psalm 51:10–12 ESV

3. We need to start seeing this joy as part of the mundane.

1 Thessalonians 5:16–24 HCSB

Rejoice always! Pray constantly. Give thanks in everything, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. Don’t stifle the Spirit. Don’t despise prophecies, but test all things. Hold on to what is good. Stay away from every kind of evil. Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely. And may your spirit, soul, and body be kept sound and blameless for the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful, who also will do it.

1 Thessalonians 5:

The Gospel isn’t just for you. And it is in the mundane that the Gospel can often be overlooked. The mundane isn’t just the ‘boring’ bits of life…these are the bits of life that we allow to hop into autopilot mode. There is a concept known as highway hypnosis. Highway hypnosis, also known as white line fever, is a mental state in which a person can drive a truck or other automobile great distances, responding to external events in the expected, safe and correct manner with no recollection of having consciously done so.

For some if not all of us, we let our Christianity hop into this white line fever mode. We can go a whole day at a time or a week… you ever get to the end of a year and say, “Holy smokes, where did the year go…I felt like it was just…blah.” Paul, in 1 Thessalonians, reminds us of this bit: Pray constantly, give thanks in everything, don’t despise prophecies (but test all things), hold on to what is good and stay away from every kind of evil.

Hows your prayer life? Nonexistent. Can you categorize yourself as a constant spirit of prayer?

Do you give thanks in all things? The coffee you drink, the roof over your head, your job, your healthy kids, your clothes, computers, cars?

Don’t stifle the Spirit: live Spirit led…be sensitive to the tugging of the Spirit

Don’t despise prophecy but test all things… this goes along with the stifling of the Spirit… don’t be so disconnected from the Spiritual realm but at the same time test all things. Test them against the Word of God. Test them against the things you know of God and of Jesus Christ.

Hold on to what is good. Stay away from every kind of evil.

James 1:17 ESV

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

The Lord has given me many good things… a family, a loving spouse, pizza, good books, etc. but i’m also told to stay away from every kind of evil. We live in the moral middle ground at times. We point fingers at the cocaine addicts or gays but often overlook our Netflix addiction, Social Media insecurities, and the frequent need to pretend. We are caring people. We care about different causes… even in this room we all have these little things that we care about....these little niches and pockets that, if we’re honest with ourselves, we think we know better than everyone else: I love sports or I love technology. I’m not saying these things are evil but if I care too much and these things start to steal my affection that’ll rob you of your affection for the Lord.

This sounds crazy, but if you’re serious about becoming a more joyful Christian…a more committed Christian, then seeing where you find the most joy in life is a good telltale as to where your affections and loyalties lie. John Piper said something along the lines the world won’t be impacted much by your joy if it looks like your joy comes from a computer screen.

We ought to be very serious about the things and people we surround ourselves by and we also need to be serious about cutting things our of your life that aren’t (a) stirring up affections for Jesus and that are (b) robbing you of those affections.

this sounds crazy

This isn’t a begrudging delight. This isn’t withholding all aspects of pain and pleasure to lead to some Spiritual alter-reality where you and Jesus are sipping Chai tea. This is real life and recognizing the fact that “yeah when I’m with this community of people I feel closer to Jesus… or when I spend hours on end on IG or FB I leave feeling jealous and empty.”

You’ve been set free towards freedom to pursue your joy in Jesus.

There is a network of churches that are part of the SOMA communities and the only reason i’m mentioning them is because during my time at Liberty I did my undergrad in PLED and I spent 3 years on campus (and 2 of those years I was an RA)… my RD, Chris Fournier, introduced me to JV and it changed my whole concept of Jesus and the Gospel. I started to see the rhythms of life in a different light and I started trying to be intentional in all facets of life. Yes, I failed miserably a bunch, but with the help of the Spirit, I succeeded at times.

We’re a family of churches. We make disciples, strengthen one another, and plant churches of Missional Communities towards Gospel Saturation…until every man, woman, and child has a daily encounter with Jesus in word and deed.

We believe God’s mission moves forward through local churches. We plant churches of Missional Communities towards Gospel Saturation. Missional Communities are as diverse as the people that make them up, but each aims to make disciples of Jesus who are increasingly submitting to Him in all of life, are being changed by Him, and are obeying Him and teaching others to do the same.

People need Jesus, yet so many live dislocated from this most essential relationship. God is busy reconciling people to Himself and has commissioned us to participate. We’re hopeful when we remember there will come a day when “the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the Lord as the waters cover the sea” (). We labor towards that day of Gospel Saturation, seeking to increasingly see every man, woman, and child having a daily encounter with Jesus in word and deed in every place where God sends us.

Ephesians 4:14–15 ESV

so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes. Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,

The Gospel isn’t just for you… no ones gets a sweet lamp and then shoves a basket over it to keep it from illuminating your room

Luke 11:33 ESV

“No one after lighting a lamp puts it in a cellar or under a basket, but on a stand, so that those who enter may see the light.

You want people who are observing your life to see the joy that pours from your life and that is points to Jesus. Is your life marked by this kind of joy? If the answer is no, then that should be a red flag. If the answer is sometimes… then good, you’ve found joy in Jesus but are acknowledging the fact that you, just like myself, am in need of constant reminder. Lastly, if you have joy in Jesus 100% of your life…congrats., I am not worthy to be in your presence.

I hate to change any of Tara Condell’s suicide note words. I wish she knew Jesus. I wish she came to know the joy and grace that is found in him that adds color to an otherwise colorless world.

r me either, I’m here for you. I love you. I always have and I always will, I promise. Shikata ga’nai.

Shikata ga’nai means ‘it cannot be helped’ or ‘nothing can be done about it.’ We live in a world that is full of shikata ga-nai. My neighbors utter it under their breathes…or my co-workers. The kids I work with who just have an itch that they think only drugs can scratch. May your life not be marked by Shikata ga-nai, I pray that is is marked by Jesus blood and righteousness. I pray that Worcester is rocked by your example…not as a model citizen, or perfect creature but as an imperfect human who finds their utmost Joy in Jesus Christ.