Ten Rules for Living (Honour Your Parents)
Exodus 20:12
Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.[1]
Understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people [2 Timothy 3:1-5]. These dark words, the last we have preserved from the pen of the Apostle to the Gentiles, are a prophetic statement of the progress of this present age.
These words are akin to those which comprise an earlier statement describing the progress of wickedness in a society which has forgotten God. The passage is found in Romans 1:28-32. Since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Though they know God’s decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them.
In either instance is found a sin which is perhaps surprising to us. In the last days people will be … disobedient to their parents [2 Timothy 3:2]; and again a wicked society is characterised as one in which is found those who are disobedient to parents [Romans 1:30]. As a society we make excuses for our children—they are high-spirited, they are hyperactive, they are high strung, they are creative.
I suggest that the situation is more a reflection of our disinterest in investing time or of our refusal to invest the time necessary to instruct our children than it is a reflection of the maturation of the society in which we live. Perhaps it is that we actually worship youth, and consequently we worship our children, leaving them to self-destruct before they have attained adulthood.
To equip us in righteousness, to assist us in both raising our children and in encouraging other parents as they raise their children, we are given a great rule for living. The fifth commandment is the first commandment with a promise. If there were no promise, it would still be right to honour our parents. To insure that none miss the importance of the rule which God has given mankind, He attached a marvellous promise. Join me in an exploration of this fifth commandment that together we may discover the will of God.
Children are Expected To Honour Their Parents. Long ages past, Agur son of Jakeh wrote of conditions which assured great upheaval in life.
Under three things the earth trembles;
under four it cannot bear up:
a slave when he becomes king…
[Proverbs 30:21, 22a].
Though I dare not compare myself to this wise man, surely I am correct in noting that just as the earth trembles under a slave who becomes king, so the earth cannot bear to witness a child who assumes the position of the parent. The situations are analogous. Parents are given to provide guidance and training for a child. Through the provision of guidance and through investing the wisdom God has given to the parent, the child is protected and equipped with the passing of time to assume those responsibilities associated with adulthood. Because the child is learning from the parent, the parent is to be honoured.
The issue before us in this rule for living—an issue which has been turned topsy-turvy in this day so far removed from that in which Moses gave the law—is authority. Unlike a generation past, modern Canadians seem to barely tolerate authority; thus, this rule for living is resented. Nevertheless, we need appeal neither to a parliament or a legislative assembly nor to some constitutional convention or constituent assembly to discover the source of parental authority; authority for their own children is conferred on parents by the Living God. The verse before us is but an iteration of the responsibility of parents given by the very first parent.
Parents are to serve as authorities for their children and children are to heed the authority of their parents; but we are rather impatient with authority in modern Canada. Governments, and especially well-meaning governments appealing to and endeavouring to implement the latest sociological fad to recreate society in their own image, must never be allowed to usurp or replace that authority which God has conferred from the beginning; and parents are authority for their children.
I observe the world about me today with growing dismay. The Apostle wrote, Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right [Ephesians 6:1]. The modern version is, Parents, obey your children, for you can’t afford to be bothered. It is less a mark of enlightened minds than it is an evidence of darkened hearts that this situation prevails. Children today are taught at multiple levels that they have rights, but it appears to me that those insisting most loudly on the rights of the child are most prone to neglect corresponding responsibilities. Few children are capable of assuming adult responsibilities, which is why in years past they were denied many of the rights now taken for granted; children were expected to mature before they assumed either the rights or the responsibilities.
I am not merely ill tempered when I call the education system and the worship of contemporary social theory to account for our current dilemma. Neither am I attempting to tar teachers or well-intentioned politicians with such a broad brush as to call into question every individual who pursues those careers. However, modern education theory implemented by well-meaning teachers and modern social engineering imposed on us by well-intentioned politicians has brought about a situation in which a disproportionate number of children are taught to believe that self-esteem, whatever that term means, is of greater benefit than character. Tragically, an increasing number of parents speak of genuine fears that government funded social workers will intervene should they discipline their children or stand firm in their insistence that their children render them due honour.
I read once of a father who was reading the evening devotion before family prayer just after his son had come home in disgrace from his fifth school. The lesson related to the golden calf. I threw [the gold] into the fire, and out came this calf, the father read—a paraphrase of Exodus 32:24. Then he added, looking with deepest meaning at his son, “The only word I need to change to fit my case is to put schools instead of fire.”
I suppose that it is possible that some individuals resent this rule for living because they think it puts emphasis on the debt children owe to parents rather than upon the debt that parents owe to children. This is not the case at all. Instead of stirring our antagonism, this rule ought to win our hearty approval. What is the purpose of the rule: Honour your father and your mother?
Light thinking individuals perhaps assume that the verse seeks the well being and happiness of fathers and mothers. Without thinking through the issues, some perhaps imagine that the verse seeks to guarantee parents the joy which attends obedient children and that the verse therefore endeavours to spare parents the pain and anguish of being dishonoured and neglected. However, this is not the primary purpose.
Without question, while loyalty to this rule will spare parents endless grief and heartache and while obedience to the rule will bring unmeasured joy, the real purpose of the rule is not to safeguard parents, but rather it is to safeguard youth. This rule for living does not look toward the past, but instead, it looks toward the future. This is evident when we note those who benefit through obedience to the rule. The promise attached to the rule is not to parents, but to children.
In Ephesians 6:1-3 the Apostle quotes from Deuteronomy 5:16, the second recitation of the law. Listen to Paul’s citation of this command in which God provides an expansion of the rule for living. Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honour your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land. Let’s consider this vital issue of divine reward as we explore the next matter arising from study of this rule for living.
Obedience Is Rewarded by God. It is an axiom of physics that for every action there is a reaction of equal and opposite force. In fact, this axiom constitutes a general rule throughout all of life. What holds true in the physical world is equally true in the realm of human interaction. Disobedience calls for a consequence—if not in this life then assuredly in the life to come.
The Bible is replete with warnings that disobedience brings God’s disapproval. For Christians, disobedience brings the discipline of a loving Father too wise to make a mistake and too good to injure us needlessly. For outsiders, disobedience results in the deserved assignment to nether regions since they have rejected righteousness and sought to present their own goodness as sufficient to satisfy divine demands for holiness.
If there are consequences for disobedience, should we be surprised that there are also consequences for obedience to God’s divine rules for living? When a child shows his parents the honour due them as parents, God has pledged by that which is most sure—His holy word—to requite that child’s obedience. Note that in two particular ways is obedience to this rule promised to be rewarded: we are promised prosperity and peace. It is an axiom of the Faith that our God is pleased with His people when they demonstrate honour to whom honour is owed.
It is of grave consequence to take note that the command to honour our parents is not restricted to children in the home—adults are to honour their parents. So long as we have parents, we are to show them due honour if we will please God; and when they have passed beyond the realm of this life we are to honour their memory.
Neither can this a command be taken to mean that a child is to honour one parent while ignoring the other, for instance, honouring a father while neglecting to honour a mother. A mother is equal to a father in this instance of anticipating respect from a child. While parents, especially fathers, were responsible under the law to communicate covenant values to their children, each parent, regardless of competency in providing instruction, was to be honoured by children. Mothers and fathers alike are due honour, and each must build respect for the other in the eyes of their children.
That the issue of honouring parents was viewed as most important is evident from an obscure law, which if followed today would horrify contemporary youth worshippers. If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother, and, though they discipline him, will not listen to them, then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gate of the place where he lives, and they shall say to the elders of his city, “This our son is stubborn and rebellious; he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard.” Then all the men of the city shall stone him to death with stones. So you shall purge the evil from your midst, and all Israel shall hear, and fear [Deuteronomy 21:18-21].
Consequently, parents who fail to instil an attitude of respect in children are parents who do not love that child. Parents divided on the issue of instilling respect in their children form a family which is delivering children over to the spirit of the age. Though the community may not be horrified at the thought of disrespectful children, God is horrified by such a situation and is pledged to rectify the dishonour. Consider this stern warning against disrespect which was penned by the wise man.
The eye that mocks a father
and scorns to obey a mother
will be picked out by the ravens of the valley
and eaten by the vultures
[Proverbs 30:17].
Turning to a more positive note, consider that God has promised rewards for those who honour their parents.
We are promised prosperity through honouring our parents. Quoting the law, Paul states: Honour your father and mother … that it may go well with you [Ephesians 6:2, 3]. The reason I make the claim of prosperity as the result of honouring one’s parents results from careful examination of the phrase that it may go well with you… The phrase hinges on a very small Greek word, eu\. That little word is frequently translated into English by the word well, as in this particular text, but the meaning conveyed to the ears of those who spoke that ancient language was abundance or prosperity.
God was promising that those of His people who honour their parents will experience His rich provision of their physical needs. In a still more positive vein, God was pledging to provide spiritually for those of His people who honoured their parents.
I would not have you cherish the belief that you will grow wealthy because you honour your parents, but I do say that you will assuredly enjoy spiritual prosperity through honouring your parents. Don’t attempt to twist Scripture to say what it never said, but do seize upon the clear promises God has given. Rephrasing this precept, I might perhaps state that we cannot expect a sense of closeness to God if we fail to demonstrate honour to our parents. That individual who fails to give due honour to his or her parents can never anticipate a sense of closeness to God, however much they may try for such.
There is an additional piece of information which will assist in understanding this promise of God. You is plural in both the Old Testament and New Testament citations. This is a covenant promise instead of an individual promise. Society benefits as the individual members heed the injunction. While I do not for a moment deny that individuals who obey this rule for living will experience spiritual prosperity, the greater benefit is to the larger community within which the individual resides.
The nation which fosters an attitude of honour for the aged—and especially fosters honour for parents—is a nation which will exhibit and enjoy God’s gracious and richest bounty. The province which endeavours to encourage an attitude of respect for the aged, and especially for parents, is a province which will discover God’s gracious smile upon their citizens. The church which instructs and insists upon honour for the aged and especially honour for parents is a congregation which will find the joy of God’s presence among the membership.
By the same token, the nation which fosters “children’s rights,” setting them against parents, is a nation which is rapidly moving toward disaster as it races away from the blessing of the Almighty. The province which, in a fit of modernity, enacts laws which destroy respect for parents, is a province drifting from the rich blessings of the True and Living God. That church which neglects to instruct the people in how to honour parents, even how to honour the aged, is a church which is on the way to sacrificing spiritual prosperity. These are serious issues which have yet to be confronted either by contemporary politicians or by modern church leaders.
We are promised peace when we honour our parents. Honour your father and mother … that you may live long in the land [Ephesians 6:2, 3]. One of the richly descriptive phrases employed in the Word of God for those blessed by God is the phrase old and full of years. Abraham died when he was an old man and full of years [Genesis 25:8]. Likewise, Isaac [Genesis 35:29], Jehoiada [2 Chronicles 24:15] and Job [Job 42:17] were each old and full of days when they died. Solomon was made King of Israel when his father David was old and full of days [1 Chronicles 23:1]. No one would dare contend that any of these individuals had lived a life free of conflict or without trouble. How, then, can I contend that they enjoyed peace with God?
Abraham experienced severe ups and downs and the Bible informs us of his days of weakness. This is likewise true for Isaac. Job surely experienced deep sorrow and grief and the strongest opposition imaginable. David grieved throughout the remainder of his days after he sinned so grievously against the Lord. Yet I urge you to remember that Abraham was called a friend of God [James 2:23] and that David was a man after [God’s] own heart [1 Samuel 13:14] and that Job was unique in all the earth [Job 1:8; 2:3]. Careful reading of the various texts will convince us that each of these enjoyed peace with God because they walked with God and knew God and were known by God.
There is a school of thought which contends that length of days is divorced from righteousness, and in a measure that may be true. Set against that view is the musing of the preacher. Though a sinner does evil a hundred times and prolongs his life, yet I know that it will be well with those who fear God, because they fear before him [Ecclesiastes 8:12].
Again, I read the words of the wise man, which teach me that:
Grey hair is a crown of glory,
it is gained in a righteous life
[Proverbs 16:31].
Do not draw the fallacious corollary that a short life is a sign of God’s displeasure. That is not necessarily the case. What is evident is that length of days may frequently be associated with God’s grace and with the thought of peace with God.
The purpose of this exercise of reviewing the blessing of God as reflected in long life is to remember that in general, a long life is associated with peace with God. Those who walk with God enjoy the peace of God. The specific promise of God to a community which fosters the attitude of honouring God is that the peoples of that community—whether a nation, or a province, state or territory, or a village or township within the nation, or even a church—will enjoy long life, or peace with God.
Honour is Demonstrated in Various Ways. It is time for our study to become practical. Exposition is worthless if it fails the test of practicality, and I would have us invest time thinking of how, as individuals and as a church, we may fulfil this rule for living—this first commandment with a promise.
You will have no doubt noticed that throughout our studies to this point there has been a common theme of the need for the people of God to be holy, to reflect their unique relationship to the Living God. Likewise, this rule for living is associated with that same theme. At a later time God, through Moses, commanded His people to honour their parents when He said, Every one of you shall revere his mother and his father … I am the LORD your God [Leviticus 19:3].
Honour for our parents is identified with honour for God. Honour for our parents is an expression of our relationship to God. While I have no doubt that even pagans will benefit from respecting their parents, the Christian reveals that relationship to God as Father through revealing an attitude of respect or honour for parents. This raises the question, how shall we honour our parents?
Honour for our parents is demonstrated through obedience. When I say that we honour our parents through obedience to them, I do not wish to convey either the idea that parents are infallible or that they are due blind obedience. Obviously, obedience has limits.
The Somalia inquiry, to our dismay, revealed that even the Canadian armed forces, despite the high regard with which they are held in the international community, is obliged to remember that basic morality and fundamental ethics take precedence over blind obedience. Obedience has limits, especially those limits which are set by God’s will and Word. Nevertheless, it is generally accurate to insist that children should obey their parents and that through obedience they demonstrate honour for their parents.
We assume that a mother knows more at thirty than her daughter does at three. We assume that a father knows more at fifty than a son does at five. In advancing the case as I do at this moment, I assume, together with all humanity, that fathers and mothers learn something through the process of living. Parents learn something of the hazards and perils of choices made without undue consideration through the years of their life, and we would hope that parents learn something of those values which are spiritual and abiding. Because parents have this superior knowledge, it follows that it is the child’s right to share in the treasures of this accumulated knowledge.
When I speak of obedience I speak of an attitude on the part of a child which seeks to obey the will of that child’s parents, which endeavours to heed their counsel, which treats their views with respect. If for no other reason than that their knowledge and view may permit them greater insight than I possess, it is right that a child should honour his parents through obeying them.
I am adamant that should a child prove unwilling to be obedient, a parent has no option but to discipline that child. Perhaps the term discipline frightens us in a day in which government assumes the right to administer discipline but denies that right to parents; however, discipline is a fine biblical concept and it is thus worthy of Christian practise. Discipline speaks of disciplining to a point of view or to a particular practise. To be disciplined is to be focused.
Consequently, to discipline a child is but to train a child in what is right and good. In Proverbs 22:6 the Bible states:
Train up a child in the way he should go;
even when he is old he will not depart from it.
I am aware that many well-meaning parents have seized upon this verse as a sort of magical promise that if they but impart a minimal training in the formative years, a child cannot stray. If I carefully translate the verse, what I actually discover is that a child is trained—disciplined—either to the worldview of the parents or to its own worldview; and a child trained in his own way will not turn from it when he is older. The verse actually serves as a warning against leaving a child to his own devices.
Other verses in the Proverbs encourage parents in the judicious use of discipline. The rod of discipline will drive folly far from the heart of a child [Proverbs 22:15]. Punishment with the rod will not bring death [Proverbs 23:13]. In Proverbs 29:15 we are instructed that,
The rod and reproof give wisdom,
but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
As a parent, you are responsible to discipline your child. As a child, discipline was valuable—and is perhaps yet valuable—as we discover through reading Hebrews 12:4-11. Consequently, if even Jesus learned obedience [Hebrews 5:7, 8], should it be a surprise that we need to learn obedience. I encourage each child (and for the purpose of this admonition, you are a child if you yet live under your parents’ roof) to honour his or her parents through loving obedience to the wishes of your parents.
Honour for our parents is revealed through consideration. Perhaps this point is so closely related to the former as to preclude any distinction in your mind; but I would contend that we should demonstrate consideration for our parents. Throughout the Word are admonitions to respect the elderly. As example is that found in Leviticus 19:32: you shall stand up before the grey head and honour the face of an old man, and you shall fear your God: I am the LORD. Knowing that God equates respect for the elderly with reverence for God, should we find it surprising that He likewise expects that we demonstrate consideration for our parents? The wise man, in Proverbs 23:22, included a saying worthy of consideration at this point.
Listen to your father who gave you life,
and do not despise your mother when she is old.
We are responsible, if we will fulfil this rule for living and if we will please God, to be considerate of our parents. We are to think of their comfort, of how we might please them, of how we might deliver them from fear for our safety and for our welfare. We show consideration when we keep them from grieving unnecessarily, when we deliver them from needless worry through choosing what is right and good for ourselves. We show consideration when we endeavour to so live that our lives become a benediction to the investment we have received from our parents.
Honour for our parents is demonstrated through emulation. As teens, the last thing any of us wanted to be was a like our parents. I marvel at how much our daughter Rochelle reflects her father. We think alike, and that can create unusual tension. We react to problems in almost identical fashion. We share interests and laugh over the same forms of humour. Our son is a melange of attitudes adopted from his parents, though even he marvels how much he is like me in this thinking. Neither Lynda nor I are offended that our children emulate us—we are pleased! They honour us in adopting the attitudes and actions they saw modelled throughout their formative years.
One of the fearful thoughts to occupy the mind of any parent is that a child will emulate the parent only to discover that the model provided was unworthy of emulation. Many of us will recall a near-fatal incident which occurred nearly a decade ago. You will recall that a three-year-old girl followed her daddy out of the house in the early morning hours. He was on his way to work in Regina and it was a bitterly cold January day. He, bundled up for the weather and oblivious to all except starting the car and getting away, failed to note that his daughter had followed him outside. The little child was stranded between getting into the car with her daddy and returning to her warm bed because the outer door had slammed, trapping her outside in the cold. Dressed only in a thin night-gown, that little girl quickly succumbed to the elements.
The entire nation followed the story when it was reported that the child was found some five hours later by her mother. The little one was frozen and clinically dead, having been trapped outside in temperatures which dipped into the minus 40’s. We were all relieved and astonished at the miracle of life when it was reported that the child would survive, although she did lose a leg to frostbite. May I say, a child emulating a parent who has rejected Christ, a child emulating a parent who has refused to follow the good, is in greater peril than ever was that little three-year-old girl in Regina.
Nevertheless, I contend that we honour our parents when we emulate them in those areas which are pleasing to God. There is a mutual obligation here, for parents must insure that they are worthy of emulation and children must become discerning as they mature to insure that they choose what is right and good.
Honour for our parents is demonstrated through deference. These thoughts of how to honour our parents—through obedience, through consideration, and through emulation—can be readily summed up in this final thought. We honour our parents through an attitude of deference. It is the act of yielding to their superior wisdom, of yielding to their position as authorities, of yielding to them as those who love us as no other mere mortal can love us, that honours our parents. It is the height of arrogance to assume that we are superior to our father and mother. How blessed we will be if we each humble ourselves and show deference to our parents!
Some among us today have parents who are outside the fold of eternal life. Our parents are good people and they love us, but they do not know Christ. How can a child lead a parent to the Faith? How can a child have influence over the life of a parent? Parents become wiser still as they age—they have a head start on their children in the matter. However, mere human wisdom does not necessarily result in life. A child who honours his or her parents is a child earning the right to be heard in matters spiritual.
Have you earned the right to speak to your father and mother of the Faith? If not, start today to be the son or daughter you are meant to be. Earning the right to be heard in the great issues of life, determine that you will speak to your mother and father as soon as humanly possible, telling each of them of your love and how through their training you were equipped to see God as a loving Father. Determine that by the grace of God you will introduce them to Christ, the Author of Life. We can become the authorities for our parents in this area without violating this rule for living; and we must, if we will deliver our parents from death and judgement. May I urge each of us to determine that, God being our helper, we will tell our parents of Christ and bring them into the light and to life soon. Amen.
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[1] Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version Ó 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a division of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.