A Virtuous Husband Praises His Wife (31:28-31)
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Introduction
Introduction
Introduction
Introduction
Introduction
Word study of praise. Let me offer up a rough word study concerning the word praise. In defining the word praise, we may use words such as admire, boast, or celebrate. The Oxford dictionary defines it as an expression of “warm approval of or admiration for, express respect and gratitude towards.”[1]
If you were to do a quick word study for praise in the Hebrew and Greek text of the Bible, you would come up with at least 8 different Hebrew words and 6 different Greek words that can be translated as praise. These usages are contained within over 250 verses throughout the Scriptures, 243 verses in the Old Testament and at least 29 verses in the New Testament.
In a quick perusal of the vast majority of these different passages, you would find one prominent recipient to the praise. In nearly every one of those passages, praise is to be directed to God. There are a few passages that refer to praise being offered to gods or people, but the context of all of them acknowledge this as improper praise.
In a quick perusal of the vast majority of these different passages, you would find one prominent recipient to the praise. In nearly every one of those passages, praise is to be directed to God. There are a few passages that refer to praise being offered to gods or people, but the context of all of them acknowledge this as improper praise.
There is only one passage with three occurrences in which praise is used and connected appropriately to a person, .
Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.
By way of side note, the only other passage that I came across that seemed to positively refer to the praise of another was also found in proverbs. “Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips” ( ESV).
My purpose in pointing this out. This passage is unique. It strays from the norm, and in so doing, I believe it points our attention to something worth noting. While our praise is vastly and primarily to be directed to God, it is appropriate and advantageous for a husband to publicly and profusely praise his wife.
As we look into the New Testament, there is one passage that would connect to this same idea. Peter writes to couples in chapter 3. “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman . . . [and as a side note, notice the motivation for doing so] so that your prayers may not be hindered. ( ESV).
Let me offer a potentially oversimplified understanding of honor – in context to praise. Honor means to value someone else. It refers to the placing of great weight or value on them and their opinions and ideas. For instance, if you quickly dismiss someone’s thoughts or opinions you would be displaying a lack of honor towards them and their ideas. Therefore, honor is primarily an internal reality or attitude, whereas praise can be an expression of that honor. If I were to place great value on you and your thoughts and opinions, I would then desire to verbalize my feelings towards you in external and verbal praise.
So then, as we place these two passages together, we find that we are to internally value and honor our wives, and that internal value ought to work itself out in praise, especially if the wife is a woman who fears God.
Context of . offers us a poem in which an excellent wife is described. Verses 10-27 describe this woman. Verses 28 and 29 describe how her family praise her due to those wonderful realities. “Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.” That is not a command, that is simply the byproduct of this excellent wife’s character. Verses 30 and 31 are no longer a part of the poem but are instead a very brief conclusion to the poem, “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.” In these two verses we do find two commands. (1) A godly woman is to be praised. (2) Let an excellent wife receive the praise due to her work. In other words, don’t claim the credit for your wife’s hard work.
Characteristics of praise.
Characteristics of praise.
His praise was public. This husband’s praise is not just private – although that is important as well – but is very public. This passage in Proverbs goes further than private praise. The husband in this passage is praising her publicly. In a society where we seem to be characterized by publicly complaining about our spouses, this husband takes every opportunity to praise his wife to those in public. Consider how you speak about your wife in public. Do you criticize your wife to others? Do you only speak positively of her in conversation with others?
I’m so thankful for my wife, she really is amazing.
I’m so spoiled, she takes care of me so much better than I deserve.
His praise was extravagant. Notice that this husband’s praise of his wife is not at the expense of others. I have always found it counterintuitive to feel the need to degrade others in order to lift someone else up. Would it not be more effective to elevate others, and then acknowledge how the one you desire to praise surpasses all of them. That is the method used in . The husband rises up and says, “Many daughters have done nobly, But you excel them all." In other words, “There are a lot of amazing women out there, but my wife is even better.” Isn’t that much more commendable than “everyone out there is ridiculous and you’re better than them.” Well, if everyone is ridiculous, it doesn’t take much to excel above them. This husband acknowledges the reality that there are a lot of great women around him, but even with that being the case, from his perception, his wife is far better than them all.
His praise was rightly focused. The praise in this passage is specifically tied to an excellent wife and more specifically to a woman who “fears the Lord.” I believe that the honor mentioned in 1 Peter ought to work itself out in public praise, but this verse focuses on the importance of praising a woman who fears the Lord and is godly. So then, every husband is to honor his wife, regardless of her spiritual state or her consistent virtue, and verbalize that honor to his wife by praising her. Even more so, a husband who has a godly wife is to praise her for being godly and fearing the Lord.
His praise is as well focused on her character and not just beauty. Clearly a good husband acknowledges the beauty and enjoyment of his wife’s physical nature, but his praise of her is deeper than the shallowness of her physical beauty.
Value of praise
Value of praise
Mark Twain once wrote to a friend of his, "Compliments make me vain and when I am vain, I am insolent and overbearing. It is a pity, too, because I love compliments. I love them even when they are not so. My child, I can live on a good compliment two weeks with nothing else to eat.”[2] Of course Mark Twain is not our go to for how we ought to direct our lives, but his statement does acknowledge a general truth. Positive words have a powerful ability to affect our moods and that of those around us.
There are people in my life that have the ability to escalate my self-esteem and sense of worth. I understand that my self-esteem and sense of worth need to be rooted in my identity in Christ and my value as God’s creation, but as a secondary form of encouragement, God uses people and simple statements to encourage me, give me confidence, and prod me along the right path. Simply put, people can say things that make you feel really good. There are times that I even know that they are probably not terribly accurate, maybe dramatic, but either way I’m encouraged.
For instance, Linda tells me I’m attractive. I know she’s genuine. I know it’s not true, but I still love it that she tells me that.
There are a few of you who I have heard regularly say within a conversation, “That’s a really good thought, I have never thought of it that way.”
You look really nice today.
I love how you’ve done your hair.
You’re amazing! I really appreciate your friendship.
I don’t want to be anywhere where you’re not.
I think you’re amazing.
I appreciate how you’re always there for me.
You looked fabulous this evening.
I love your lips.
A pastor I once had told me, you get what you praise. This is true of your children and even other people. Because people love to be affirmed and positively acknowledged, they will tend to do that which receives praise and affirmation. They will rise to the level of that praise. In commending your wife (or even your children) for specific and commendable things, those practices and habits are more and more rooted in what they want to do and be.
A parable has been offered, in the February 1988 Reader’s Digest, which makes this point.[3] The story takes place on a primitive Pacific island, where a man paid the dowry for his wife in cows. Let me just acknowledge that typically we don’t want to connect the value of a wife to the idea of a cow, but in this story, a dowry consisted of a certain number of cows. Two or three cows was an appropriate dowry for a decent wife, four or five a very nice one. But Johnny Lingo had offered an unheard of eight cows for Sarita, a girl whom everyone in her home village thought rather plain looking. The local folks all made fun of Johnny, who they thought was crazy to offer such an exorbitant dowry for such a wife.
The story teller goes to Johnny Lingo’s home and is stunned by the beauty of Sarita for everyone had told him she was homely and unimpressive. He asked Johnny if this was the same woman. He confirmed that it was. Johnny responded.
Do you ever think what it must mean to a woman to know that her husband has settled on the lowest price for her? And then later, when the women talk, they boast of what their husbands offered for them. One says four cows, another maybe six. How does she feel, the woman whose dowry was one or two? This could not happen to my Sarita.
The story teller goes on to ask, “Then you did this just to make your wife happy?” Johnny responded.
I wanted Sarita to be happy, yes. But I wanted more than that. You say she is different. This is true. Many things can change a woman. Things that happen inside, things that happen outside. But the thing that matters most is what she thinks of herself. In Kiniwata, Sarita believed she was worth nothing. Now she knows she is worth more than any other woman in the islands.
People tend to live up—or down—to how we treat them. If we offer repeated praise and affirmation, the person responds by living up to it. If we run the person down, they oblige us by meeting our negative expectations.[4]
Guidelines for praise
Guidelines for praise
Make sure its genuine. It may seem inaccurate, but it needs to be genuine. For instance, when your wife tells you that she thinks you are the best-looking man she’s ever known, you probably know it’s highly inaccurate; but when it’s genuine, it makes you feel great. A praise that is a lie will never be well received.
Don’t be patronizing or passive-aggressive. Think through how to verbalize the praise.
You look great . . . for just having had a baby.
I love how you can wear anything and not care what people think.
I’m so proud of you. At least you did your best.
It was nice to finally have a good meal.
You did a lot better than any of us expected.
Great haircut? It looks like you did it yourself.
I don’t care what everyone else says, I still think you look great.
Don’t end your praise with a “but.” Don’t tack on a shortcoming to the end of praise. One author wrote, “One should not pay a person a compliment and straightway follow it with a criticism. It is better to kiss him now and kick him next week.”[5] I’m not sure about kicking him next week, but the principle remains true. Even if something is true, it doesn’t need to be said. If it does need to be said, it doesn’t need to be said tacked onto a compliment.
You look beautiful in that dress, but it’s kind of tight around the waste.
I appreciate all the time you spend in taking care of us. This really is one of my favorite meals, but it was a tad salty. Did you need to put that much salt in it?”
Don’t end your praise with a request for a favor. Don’t allow your praise to be self-serving. Too often, we husbands tend to only compliment our wives when we are trying to get something from them, whether it’s a yes to a certain question, a particular meal, or sex. These compliments are disingenuous and ought to be avoided. I can recall often complimenting my mom on how much better she made a certain snack or dinner than me. The entire purpose for the compliment was so that I could continue what I was doing and hopefully get her to make what I wanted.
Praise her often. Assuming that your praise is genuine and wholly kind, praise your wife as often as you can.
[1] Catherine Soanes and Angus Stevenson, eds., Concise Oxford English Dictionary (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2004).
[2] Letter to Gertrude Natkin, 2 March 1906 | [Natkin], "Marjorie" [Gertrude], AL to. , 1906. Previously [Breckinridge?], "Marjorie" [Gertrude]. Copy in Isabel Lyon's hand.
[2] Letter to Gertrude Natkin, 2 March 1906 | [Natkin], "Marjorie" [Gertrude], AL to. , 1906. Previously [Breckinridge?], "Marjorie" [Gertrude]. Copy in Isabel Lyon's hand.
[3] Patricia McGerr, Reader’s Digest [2/88], pp. 138‑141
[3] Patricia McGerr, Reader’s Digest [2/88], pp. 138‑141
[4] Steven J. Cole. “Understanding and Honoring Your Wife.” (Bible.org, August 2, 2013). Accessed June 7, 2018. https://bible.org/seriespage/lesson-15-understanding-and-honoring-your-wife-1-peter-37
[4] Steven J. Cole. “Understanding and Honoring Your Wife.” (Bible.org, August 2, 2013). Accessed June 7, 2018. https://bible.org/seriespage/lesson-15-understanding-and-honoring-your-wife-1-peter-37
[5] inscription written on fly leaf of Adventures of Huckleberry Finn from the L. M. Powers collection. Reported in Kansas City Star, April 10, 1911, p. 6.
[5] inscription written on fly leaf of Adventures of Huckleberry Finn from the L. M. Powers collection. Reported in Kansas City Star, April 10, 1911, p. 6.