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Jokes

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Have you ever felt like an underdog? Or better yet a patsy? See back in the days of boxing, when they had a new up-and-comer, they would just grab some guy off the street to have him fight the future champ it made the future champ look good. So here I am going against a Catholic Priests, a guy called the “Sermonator”, A lutheran, Martin Luther was a Catholic right?in a room full of Catholics, at a Knights of Columbus Hall....I feel a bit like an underdog....
That is why I decided t go with my nickname the hilarious monk. It refers mostly to monk like hair, and I felt that perhaps it would gain a bit of Catholic support as well.
How does Jesus make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
Anyway speaking of monks, I have this story about a very strict abby. See in this abby they had a total vow of silence. No talking for anyone. They had one exception, once a year, the Abbot would select one monk to stand up at meal time and say one thing.
The time came for the Abbot to select a monk to speak. Brother Andrew was selected and he stood up, and everyone leans in and he says, “The Oatmeal is too runny” and sits back down.
A year goes by, and the monks again assemble for that special time when a monk will speak and the abbot selects Brother James. He stands up, everyone leans in, you could hear a pin drop, and he says, The Oatmeal is too lumpy!” and sits back down.
Another year goes by and monks anxiously assemble.The abbot selects brother John. Brother John stands up and the whole Abbey is focused on him. What would he say? Brother John clears his throat, looks around, and says, I don’t know about you, but I can’t take this constant bickering any more.
and sits back do
One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.
"You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."
"Can I see one?"
"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom--" All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.
"What? What does it say?"
"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!" We left out the R!
-Enough with the Monks-
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
They taste Funny
What do you do when you find the spaceman?
You park the car man.
A priest, A rabbi, and Minister walk into a Bar, and bartender says
What is this some kind of a joke?
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.
They were all asked the same question: “When you are in the casket, friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first guy immediately responds, “I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest doctors of my time and a great man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy thinks a minute and replies, “I’d like to hear them say…LOOK! HE’S MOVING!!!”
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside him and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”
Good morning, Pastor,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor McGhee, what is this?” Alex asked.
“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service.”
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex’s voice was barely audible when he finally managed to ask, “Which one, the 9:00 or 10:30 service?”
---Hey Rose---
One thing many couples enjoy about retirement is that they have more time to spend with their friends. This one particular couple liked to go out to dinner with another couple evry other week or so.
Sometimes the men would sit in the front and the ladies would ride in the back, so that they could talk. The men in the front are talking and one guy says to the other, oh you should have been with us last week. We went to this wonderful country supper club. I had the steak and it was tender, and juicy and my wife had the fired chicken and was golden brown and delicious. The prices were reasonable and they had an early bird special too! The other guy says that sounds great what is the name of it. The first guy is obviously frustrated at his inability to recall the name of the restaurant, and she sighs and says uh.....what is the name of that flower that has a great smell, a long stem and thorns. The guy says a Rose? He says yeah yeah a rose! Hey Rose What is the name of that restaurant we went to last week.
Hebrews
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
-Ugly Baby-
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
-Gas Problem-
An older lady walks into her doctor and says Doctor, I have a problem with gas. It is really excessive, but on the positive side, it interfere with my life because it doesn’t stink and it always quiet. In fact I have had it the whole time in here, and you haven’t said a word.
I see said the doctor. Now I want you to take these pills and come back in two weeks. Two weeks later the lady returned and said, Doctor I don’t know what was in those pills but know my gas stinks horribly, but at least it is still silent.
Good says the Doctor, now that we have those sinuses cleared up, let’s get you fitted for hearing aides.
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