Love Let it Go!
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How to do with dealing with Destructive people. This is the hardest one of all. How do you love people who intentionally hurt you? Who are mean. Who are hateful. Who are manipulative. When people hurt us we have two natural tendencies. Remember it and retaliate.
First we remember it. We stockpile it in our mind. We put it back in the database and say, I’m never forgetting that one. I’m never letting them off the hook. I’m going to watch them from now on. We remember it. We rehearse it over and over and over.
The second thing we do is we retaliate. We want to get even.
But that’s not what the Bible says. Love takes a step up. The Bible says “Love keeps no record of wrongs.”
So what does that mean? How do I respond to the people who have hurt me in my life? How do I handle all of those wounds, those pains, those hurts that I’ve stockpiled back there in my memory?
Here’s what you do. You don’t repeat it, you delete it. Wipe it out of the memory bank. Let it go. Forgive it and get on with your life.
Don’t repeat it. What do I mean by that?
Typically when we get hurt we repeat it three ways. We repeat it emotionally in our minds. We repeat it relationally as a weapon. And we repeat it practically and verbally in telling other people.
First we repeat it in our mind by going over and over and over it in your mind. We rehearse it. We’ve talked about this so many times. How resentment never helps you. It only hurts you. Resentment is self-destructive. It is emotional suicide. It is like taking fire in your heart. It will destroy you. When you hold on to a grudge, when you hold on to a hurt, you hold on to a bitterness, you are not hurting that person from your past. You’re only hurting yourself. In fact you are allowing them to continue to hurt you in the present. Your past is past. It’s over. It can’t hurt you unless you choose to allow it. And the way you allow it to hurt you is by remembering it over and over.
Every time you remember and rehash and rehearse and go over it again in your mind you get hurt again. That’s dumb. That’s not smart. That’s not using your brain the way God intended for you to use it. Resentment only perpetuates the pain. It never heals. It never solves anything.
So we repeat it over and over in our mind.
The second way we repeat it is we repeat it in fights, in relationships. We use it as wedges, as weapons. You did this, but you did that. Remember when you did that? But you did this! You pile it all back up again.
The third way we repeat it is we repeat it to other people. We talk to others. That’s called gossip. We tell everybody else. We don’t talk to God. We don’t talk to the person. We talk to everybody else about the pain. We want to try to line up people on our side so that we’re better and they’re bad and they’re hated as much by other people as they’re hated by us.
All three of those are destructive, damaging, and self-defeating. You’re only hurting yourself by repeating it in your mind, by repeating it over and over in conversations and using it as a wedge and by repeating it to other people. Don’t repeat it. Delete it. “Love keeps no record of wrongs.”
Let me show you three verses about these three things.
First you don’t rehearse it over in your mind. “Do not bear a grudge against others. But settle your differences with them so you will not commit a sin because of them.” How is that possible? How do I commit a sin because of them if I keep a grudge?
Psychology study after psychology study has proven that whatever you rehearse you begin to resemble. Uh-oh! Whatever you think about most that’s what you move toward. If all you think about is how much you’ve been hurt in the past, you’re moving to the past. If you focus on the future, you move toward the future. If you focus on the promises of God, you move toward the promises of God. If you focus on potential, you move toward the potential. But if you focus on your pain, you’re moving toward your pain. And whatever you rehearse you will eventually begin to resemble. I will never be like my father! I will never be like my mother! I will never… Guess what? The very fact that you’re focused on it means that’s what you’re moving toward.
So he says you’re only hurting yourself by repeating it over and over in your mind.
The second thing is you don’t want to repeat it over and over in arguments. “Love forgets mistakes. [You don’t keep bringing them up. You don’t keep a record of things you just keep bringing back as ammunition.] Nagging about them parts the best of friends.” It also parts marriages and everything else. Nagging doesn’t work.
One guy said whenever I get in an argument with my wife she gets historical. She tells me everything I’ve ever done wrong.
We laugh at that but the truth is it destroys a lot of marriages. Bringing up the past is not the way to better your marriage because “Love keeps no record of wrongs.”
Let me take this one deeper. Some of you in your marriage have been hurt by a partner in a major way. An unfaithfulness, a disloyalty. Some kind of thing that really, really hurt you and I’m sorry. But they came back and said, “I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?” And they’ve stayed with you and they’ve stuck with you and you’ve said “I forgive you but I’m not ever forgetting it.” Back there in the back of your mind you keep repeating it and no matter what they do good, it’s never good enough. Because you’ve got this list against them of all the things you’ve disappointed you and all the ways they’ve been destructive in your life. No matter what they do good. In your mind you’ve got a scale between guilt and blame. To stay mentally stable every time you feel guilty you feel like you have to blame somebody else. The rest of their life no matter how much good they do it’s not enough to balance the scale. And you are unpleasable.
I’ll say this tactfully but truthfully. You’re killing the marriage. It’s not the big sin that’s killing the marriage. It’s the fact that you won’t let it go. You won’t let it go. As a result you have become unpleasable.
There’s a third way we repeat it. “Gossip is spread by wicked people. [Did you know that?] They stir up trouble and they break up friendships.” Every time I share a gossip I am wicked? Did you know that every time you share a gossip you are wicked? Did you know that God hates gossip? Absolutely hates gossip. He hates it as much as he hates pride. Because that’s what gossip is. Gossip is pure and simple ego. Raw, bald faced, unadulterated ego. The only reason people gossip is to make themselves feel superior to somebody else. “I know something about somebody else that makes them look bad so I think it makes me look better. I have some secret here that gives me some sense of control.” It is unadulterated ego. Every time you share a gossip you just admit it. You’re being prideful at that point. You are being prideful and God hates pride and gossip.
Harvest Pointe Church family we ought to decide that we’re going to put a ban on gossip, I’m not going to listen to it, I’m not going to share it. When somebody starts gossiping say, “Sorry I’m not going to be a part of that.” “Love keeps no record of wrongs.” You don’t repeat it. You delete it.
One of the greatest tests of your love is how much you gossip. Unloving people love to gossip.
What do you do? When you’re hurt you don’t talk to other people about it which we typically do. We talk to everybody except the person who hurt us. You don’t talk to other people. You talk to God and then you talk to that person.
The Bible says “Whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop. Leave it. Let it go. In order that your Father who is in heaven may also forgive you your own failings and shortcomings and let them drop.” I love that in the Amplified.
Somebody says, “David it’s been too long. I’ve carried this hurt for years and years and years. Maybe even decades. It’s just too late.” You’re wrong.
says this “Hate stirs up trouble [if you want to keep trouble in your life, just keep hate in your life] but love forgives all offenses.” Which of the “all” have you not let go? Which of the offenses in your life are you still holding on to?
Maybe as a child you were hurt by an adult. A teacher, an uncle, maybe even your parents. The Bible says that there will be severe judgment for child abuse, child neglect, child abandonment. One day God is going to settle the score on that. There’s no doubt about that. When God says “Honor your father and your mother,” he’s not saying honor their sins. He’s not saying honor their abuse, honor their selfishness, honor their poor decisions. He’s not saying ignore the pain in your life and put on a happy face and pretend everything’s great. No. Not at all. What does God expect? How does God expect me to love the destructive people who’ve hurt me?
He doesn’t expect you to ignore it. He doesn’t expect you to pretend it doesn’t exist. He’s not asking you to gloss over it or deny it or repress it. Or repress it or fake it or make excuses for the people who’ve hurt you in your life. No. In fact God doesn’t want you to fake it. He wants you to face it. Because you can’t forgive it until you face it. And you’ll never be free until you forgive and you’ll never forgive until you face it. You’ve got to stop running and you’ve got to stop blaming.
Let me take this one a little bit deeper. How you relate to your parents affects every other single relationship in your life whether you realize it or not. We pull relationship patterns into existing relationships. We often carry a lot of emotional relational baggage into our friendships, into our marriages and things like that. That affects every other relationship including our relationship to God.
The truth is some of you were hurt as kids. Maybe even by your parents. You have some unfinished business. If you’re going to become the loving woman, the loving man that God wants you to be, that you want to be, that I want you to be – that’s the whole reason we’re doing 50 Days of Love is so you can become a more loving, love filled person – you’re going to have to deal with these past issues now. You’re going to have to do some business. Because the truth is you carried a bunch forward and you’re venting on your husband or you’re venting on your wife or venting on your kids and they’re not even at fault. They’re not even the ones who caused the pain. If you’re still angry at a parent or for that matter anybody you’re still allowing them to control you. Don’t.
As your friend, as your pastor I’m saying don’t. Don’t allow that any more. You’ve got to deal with the anger. You’ve got to face it before you can forgive it. And as I said stop blaming and stop running.
says this “When someone wrongs you it is a great virtue to ignore it.” Just ignore it. Let it go. But you can’t ignore it until first you face it and forgive it. Then you can ignore it. And you let it go. Love lets it go.
We’re baptizing after this service today. Baptism is a symbol of letting go. It’s a symbol of saying, I’m letting go of all my old ways, all my old hurts, all my old pains, all my old sins. I’m accepting the forgiveness of God and I’m offering it to other people. It’s a new life. It’s a fresh start. Maybe you need to be baptized today. As a symbol saying, I am letting go of my own guilt to God, receiving his forgiveness. And I’m letting go of all the people who’ve hurt me so I can get on with my life.
says “You are only hurting yourself with your anger.” this is our memory verse for this week “Love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs.” That means if you’re going to be loving “Do you remember when you did this… do you remember when you did that…” “Love does not keep a record of wrongs.”
I don’t know who you need to forgive but I do know today’s the day. As we close I want you to think of the people who’ve hurt you in your life and I want you to let them off the hook. Love lets it go. Love forgives. Because they deserve it? No. You don’t deserve being forgiven either by God. But because it’s the right thing to do and it’s the only way to be free.
Prayer:
Father I don’t know the hurts that people are going through here today but I know that you know every one of them and you want them to be freed from it. Now you pray, “God, I’m tired of the pain. I’m tired of being stuck in the prison of the past. Father, I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m tired of wasting emotional energy on the people who’ve hurt me. Lord, I need that energy for the future, for today. Today, I’m asking you to do two things. Jesus Christ, fill me with the Spirit of forgiveness. Fill me with the Spirit of love. Take over every area of my life. I invite you into every crevice and corner of my heart. I ask you to forgive all my sins, all the ways I’ve hurt other people when I was demanding not understanding. When I was judgmental not gentle. When I was repeating the sins instead of deleting the sins. Forgive me for all of that. I want to let go of the people who have hurt me in my life. I want to do what’s right. I want you to fill my life with love. I want to be able to love others and not be stuck. So today, dear Jesus Christ, I’m in faith letting them go. I’m letting that person go. If it takes me a thousand times to do this until the pain goes away, I’m going to keep remembering, and every time they bring it up I’m going to remember to say I’m letting them go. I’m letting them of the hook. I’ve forgiven them. I have forgiven them. Help me to be tactful not just truthful. Help me to be gentle not judgmental. Help me to be understanding not demanding. When people hurt me help me to not repeat it but to delete it. To be tender without surrender to the people who I need to set boundaries with in my life. Jesus Christ, I want to become a loving person. I want to move to the higher levels of love. I ask your help and your grace. In your name I pray. Amen.”
How to Forgive When it Hurts How do you forgive someone who’s hurt you when everything in you wants to hold on to the pain? Okay, so before we answer the question “how do we forgive” I want to quickly suggest that…
• Forgiveness does NOT mean the absence of pain (Joseph and his brothers).
When you’ve been hurt it’s absurd to think that you will no longer experience the pain of what happened. The pain can and often times still will be there without the bitterness.
• Forgiveness does NOT mean reconciliation – When God says forgive it doesn’t mean you need to get back into a relationship with this person.
It doesn’t mean you have to give them more chances to hurt you. No, forgiveness simply means “to let go of the anger towards someone who has done something wrong: to stop blaming” But the real question is, “how do we do that has hurt us?”
1. Trust God to Deal with them – – Forgiveness is actually an act of faith (most people don’t connect the two) – – When we choose to hold on to anger, bitterness and thoughts/plans of revenge what we are saying is that that we don’t trust that God is going to deal with them fairly and so I must maintain control and take matters into my own hand and make sure they get what they deserve. (God I don’t trust that you saw the injustice that was done to me and that you are going to do anything about it. So because you aren’t or you’re taking too long I must punish this person myself…making sure they get what they deserve)
2. Clearly communicate how the person has hurt you (this is not always possible) o Releases you of this heavy weight that you’ve been carrying inside of you o You may be helping the other person from committing the same offense to someone else because the truth is they may not even be aware of how deeply they’ve hurt you because they’ve moved on with their life (relationship, marriage, city, church, etc.) o Opens the door for possible reconciliation.
3. Pray for them – – If you can get to the point where you can pray for them that means that you have gotten to the point where you want the absolute best for this person’s life which means you no longer secretly wish evil upon them. It means you can celebrate when God blesses them instead of hating on them (). One of the ways of helping you get there is to start praying for them (and don’t pray that God curses them…lol).
4. Stop talking negatively about them – – This is the EASIEST way for you to tell that you have NOT yet forgiven someone. Because when we are angry towards people we want everyone we know and everyone they know to also be angry with them and so we defame their character without them being present to defend themselves. And the Bible calls this slander which is a sin.
I’ve heard it said before that …“Unforgiveness is like drinking a poison and expecting someone else to die.” Finally, realize that you are only hurting yourself when you don’t forgive. In other words…if someone has hurt you, don’t allow them to continue to hurt you by giving them control over your own happiness, your own joy and your own peace of mind. Forgiveness is NOT for the other person, forgiveness is for YOU!
We’re baptizing after this service today. Baptism is a symbol of letting go. It’s a symbol of saying, I’m letting go of all my old ways, all my old hurts, all my old pains, all my old sins. I’m accepting the forgiveness of God and I’m offering it to other people. It’s a new life. It’s a fresh start. Maybe you need to be baptized today. As a symbol saying, I am letting go of my own guilt to God, receiving his forgiveness. And I’m letting go of all the people who’ve hurt me so I can get on with my life.
says “You are only hurting yourself with your anger.” this is our memory verse for this week “Love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs.” That means if you’re going to be loving “Do you remember when you did this… do you remember when you did that…” “Love does not keep a record of wrongs.”
I don’t know who you need to forgive but I do know today’s the day. As we close I want you to think of the people who’ve hurt you in your life and I want you to let them off the hook. Love lets it go. Love forgives. Because they deserve it? No. You don’t deserve being forgiven either by God. But because it’s the right thing to do and it’s the only way to be free.
Prayer:
Father I don’t know the hurts that people are going through here today but I know that you know every one of them and you want them to be freed from it. Now you pray, “God, I’m tired of the pain. I’m tired of being stuck in the prison of the past. Father, I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m tired of wasting emotional energy on the people who’ve hurt me. Lord, I need that energy for the future, for today. Today, I’m asking you to do two things. Jesus Christ, fill me with the Spirit of forgiveness. Fill me with the Spirit of love. Take over every area of my life. I invite you into every crevice and corner of my heart. I ask you to forgive all my sins, all the ways I’ve hurt other people when I was demanding not understanding. When I was judgmental not gentle. When I was repeating the sins instead of deleting the sins. Forgive me for all of that. I want to let go of the people who have hurt me in my life. I want to do what’s right. I want you to fill my life with love. I want to be able to love others and not be stuck. So today, dear Jesus Christ, I’m in faith letting them go. I’m letting that person go. If it takes me a thousand times to do this until the pain goes away, I’m going to keep remembering, and every time they bring it up I’m going to remember to say I’m letting them go. I’m letting them of the hook. I’ve forgiven them. I have forgiven them. Help me to be tactful not just truthful. Help me to be gentle not judgmental. Help me to be understanding not demanding. When people hurt me help me to not repeat it but to delete it. To be tender without surrender to the people who I need to set boundaries with in my life. Jesus Christ, I want to become a loving person. I want to move to the higher levels of love. I ask your help and your grace. In your name I pray. Amen.”