Should I Date?
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Introduction: Last week we considered the importance of being a good friend. Friendships are vitally important to our spiritual lives and in order to cultivate healthy, godly friendships we need to be a friend that confides in our friends concerning spiritual things, that encourages our friends, that clarifies God’s will for our friends, that confronts our friends, that is faithful to our friends even when they fall, and that serve the families of our friends. In the process of becoming a good friend you will find that you attract the kind of friend that you are and you are both able to be the kind of iron that sharpens one another.
This week I would like to follow up that idea with a warning. I won’t beat around the bush with this one. The warning is this: do not seek this kind of open and unconditional friendship with someone of the opposite sex other than your spouse. The topic for tonight is dating during the teenage years.
Now, I want to put your mind at ease.. I am not going to preach a message tonight saying that teens should never date. The reason for that is because you, along with your parents, know the layout of your life on a more intimate level than I do. You, working alongside your parents, will know when it is right for you to entertain the idea of dating, and after you have carefully counted the cost of dating your parents will wisely be able to guide you into the field of dating.
Our approach tonight will be to consider 5 questions as indicators as to whether it is wise to start dating during your teenage years, and only you working together with your parents can accurately answer them and determine the answer that is best for your life.
Am I Dating To Find Validation?
Am I Dating To Find Validation?
In Psychology Today Ph.D. Frank T. McAndrew wrote the following about what most people experience in high school.
Memory researchers have in fact identified something called "The Reminiscence Bump," which confirms that the strongest memories for the events in our lives come from things that happened to us between the ages of 10 and 30.
For many people, the most vividly remembered and emotionally charged of those years are spent in high school. Unrequited romantic crushes; chronic embarrassment; desperate struggles for popularity; sexual awakening; parental pressure. And above all else, competition: social, athletic, academic, and otherwise.
For many people, the most vividly remembered and emotionally charged of those years are spent in high school. Unrequited romantic crushes; chronic embarrassment; desperate struggles for popularity; parental pressure. And above all else, competition: social, athletic, academic, and otherwise. The angst of these years follows us through life, and the conflicted feelings so many of us harbor about high school fuel the popularity of many TV shows and movies.
For some of us, high school shines like an enchanted kingdom compared to which every other stage of life falls short. For others, it is remembered as an endless Hell of daily torments. For most of us, it is something in between, but emotional nonetheless. And strong emotions equal strong memories; even the music from those years gets imprinted on our brain like nothing that comes later.
At a time of life when there is so much uncertainty, dating can be a way in which to find validation that who you are becoming is acceptable in the eyes of others. Dating can wrongly be a form of validation. Because (ideally) in dating there is a living, breathing human being who goes out of his/her way to make you feel cared for and proves to the world that you are interesting and you are attractive and you are respectable and that is flattering and it makes you feel good. However, if dating is for the purpose of self-validation then it can very quickly become idolatry.
Our world holds up romantic love as the greatest and noblest of all pursuits and the message that the world sends to those who aren’t “with someone” (whatever that means anymore) is that you aren’t competent or complete.
However, what happens when you look to dating for validation? You begin a relentless pursuit to find that special someone who you believe was meant to be by you side because without them life has no meaning. When you look to anyone else other than God complete you or define you, it’s idolatry. Not only is it idolatry, but it is a meaningless pursuit. God is the only one who can complete you because you were literally made for Him. Life shared with a spouse is a tremendous blessing, but it was never meant to replace your relationship with God. When you make a relationship with someone else your god, it will be marked by disappointment and eventual bitterness because, as sinful beings, they will let you down. When you look to someone else for significance and validation what you are saying to them is, “I want you to be my god.” That is a whole lot of pressure to place on anyone. I don’t care who that person is, anyone will crack underneath that kind of pressure.
Bible Study:
Give the background of Jacob, Rachel, and Leah
When the Lord saw that Leah was unloved, He opened her womb; but Rachel was barren. So Leah conceived and bore a son, and she called his name Reuben; for she said, “The Lord has surely looked on my affliction. Now therefore, my husband will love me.”
Genesis
Then she conceived again and bore a son, and said, “Because the Lord has heard that I am unloved, He has therefore given me this son also.” And she called his name Simeon.
She conceived again and bore a son, and said, “Now this time my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him three sons.” Therefore his name was called Levi.
And she conceived again and bore a son, and said, “Now I will praise the Lord.” Therefore she called his name Judah. Then she stopped bearing.
The names of Leah’s first three sons tell the story of a broken-hearted woman who placed her hope for significance and love in a man, and it is not until the birth of Judah that she is able to praise God.
Am I Dating Out of Peer Pressure?
Am I Dating Out of Peer Pressure?
The pressure to get involved in dating relationships from a young age is both subtle and persuasive. You see it in TV shows, you hear about it in school, you see it on commercials, you read about it in magazines, and it pops up on your social media feed. The conclusion that you might draw from this overwhelming inundation of relationship marketing is that in order to not be a loser, you must enter into a dating relationship.
Reality is, the desires and opinions of others to force you into a dating relationship is probably one of the worst reasons to go out with someone. Romance is fun, but it is also a risky and serious business and should never be entered because of peer pressure.
Keep your heart with all diligence,
For out of it spring the issues of life.
“When you come to the land which the Lord your God is giving you, and possess it and dwell in it, and say, ‘I will set a king over me like all the nations that are around me,’ you shall surely set a king over you whom the Lord your God chooses; one from among your brethren you shall set as king over you; you may not set a foreigner over you, who is not your brother. But he shall not multiply horses for himself, nor cause the people to return to Egypt to multiply horses, for the Lord has said to you, ‘You shall not return that way again.’ Neither shall he multiply wives for himself, lest his heart turn away; nor shall he greatly multiply silver and gold for himself.
But King Solomon loved many foreign women, as well as the daughter of Pharaoh: women of the Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Sidonians, and Hittites—from the nations of whom the Lord had said to the children of Israel, “You shall not intermarry with them, nor they with you. Surely they will turn away your hearts after their gods.” Solomon clung to these in love. And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines; and his wives turned away his heart. For it was so, when Solomon was old, that his wives turned his heart after other gods; and his heart was not loyal to the Lord his God, as was the heart of his father David. For Solomon went after Ashtoreth the goddess of the Sidonians, and after Milcom the abomination of the Ammonites. Solomon did evil in the sight of the Lord, and did not fully follow the Lord, as did his father David. Then Solomon built a high place for Chemosh the abomination of Moab, on the hill that is east of Jerusalem, and for Molech the abomination of the people of Ammon. And he did likewise for all his foreign wives, who burned incense and sacrificed to their gods.
As followers of Christ, you shouldn’t want to please or conform to the relationship standards of the world. You have the opportunity for something better and far different. If you are considering dating because of societal peer pressure, wait until you are emotionally, mentally, and spiritually prepared to pursue romance.
Am I Dating In Community?
Am I Dating In Community?
If you watch the model of the world, dating looks a little bit like this. A man and a woman meet and there are instantly sparks flying everywhere. I mean there he/she is, there-across the room. So they make their way towards each other, and as they do their palms get sweaty and their hearts race. So naturally, as everybody knows, sweaty palms and racing hearts are the true indicators that it is safe to go out alone with someone, and so they go out alone. Only after they have gone out alone for quite some time do they consider to (dramatic music) BRING IN THE PARENTS. This, we are told, is normal behavior.
Now, some of you may be thinking as I have kind of made fun of the world’s model of dating that I have no idea what I am talking about. If you want to get to know someone of course you have to spend time with them alone in a dimly lit restaurant. No one brings in the parents before you know that they are like, you know, the one. If you are thinking that here are some reality checks for you. 1). I am married. 2). Miss Jaynie and I just passed our one year anniversary. So, not only have I dated, but I have dated recently. Not only have I dated recently but I have also dated successfully. Before we started dating we spent time with each other’s friends, we met each other’s parents, and we talked about our belief systems concerning dating.
These are all necessary steps. Here’s why.
If you do not spend time with their friend’s you do not know what they are like.
If you do not meet each other’s parents you do not know if your worlds are compatible.
If you do not talk about standards and dating philosophy you will likely fail due to a lack of wisdom in your relationship.
In order to enjoy the benefits of a healthy relationship you must put in the work of seeking out wisdom and allowing your trusted friends to clarify God’s will for your life. Isolated, self-contained relationships are inconsistent with Scripture.
Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
Am I Ready To Get Married?
Am I Ready To Get Married?
In God’s word love, intimacy, and marriage are all linked together. No-strings attached romantic flings are not in view in the Bible. Godly dating is a conscious moving towards marriage.
1 Corinthians 7:
But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,
Ephesians
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
Ephesians 5:26-2
that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.
Your heart was not meant to be a wager in a quick fling with casual intimacy in the hopes that it might not go badly. Wait to date until you have the means and maturity to care for someone else who is made in the image of God.
Have I Submitted Myself To God?
Have I Submitted Myself To God?
In the typical movie where a depiction of high school is given you often see the lead cheerleader and the school quarterback walking happily hand in hand down the hallway while the nerd of the school looks on. In his eyes you see a lurking loneliness as he wished, “I want someone to value me like that.”
In this case, the school nerd’s reason for wanting to date is fueled by the desire to feel significant. If he then goes out and gets a girlfriend in order to accomplish the goal of feeling significant then dating, for him, would not be in submission to God. He would be seeking a relationship for selfish reasons. Those in godly relationships take captive selfish desires and temptations and they lay aside personal preferences and they submit to God’s timing and they restrain their bodies in order to sacrifice selfishness for the holiness and good of another person.
And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ This is the first commandment.
You cannot truly love anyone else if you do not love God first and most.
Conclusion: So, you might be wondering, should I date? I cannot answer that for you, neither do I really want to. In order to answer that question you will need to put in some work with your parents to answer these questions: 1). Am I dating for self validation?, 2). am I dating out of peer pressure?, 3). am I dating in community?, 3). am I ready to get married?, 4). have I submitted myself to God? The Bible teaches us to guard our hearts because out of it comes everything else. So allowing your heart to get tangled up with someone before it is actually time to can be very risky and very dangerous.
Relationships are fun, but, as with anything, you must put in the work in order to receive the reward.