Sermon Tone Analysis
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(Ladies, this letter was written to the guys, but it would also be good for you to read.
Most of the principles discussed are just as true for you in your relationships as for the guys, after all, they end up being opposite sides of the same relationship.
This letter may also give you an idea of how you should expect to be treated by your boyfriend and eventual husband.)
\\ Hello Gentlemen,
\\ It is very interesting, and even entertaining at times, to see many of my students and friends beginning to become involved in dating relationships.
I will start by saying that I am not against dating in college.
Like most things in life it can be either positive or negative depending on what you make of it.
While I am not against dating in college, I do have some concerns as I see my students, whom I do care about very much, getting involved in relationships.
My concern is not with dating itself, but rather with people’s reasons for dating and the way it is handled.
I am also concerned with the lack of input from parents and others who have walked these roads and have the wisdom that comes from experience.
The following is a collection of my thoughts on how to develop healthy relationships that are based on true love and not those things that the world presents to us as being love.
It is my hope that in a time when the advice of parents is regarded as useless and “too traditional” because of a “generation gap” these words may be used to help those who are looking for love wherever it may be found.
!
My Assumptions and Definition of Love
\\ All people have assumptions they hold to be true that affect their thoughts whether they realize it or not.
I am sure that I have many assumptions that I do not notice, but rather than trying to avoid those I know I do have, I will acknowledge them right from the beginning.
I hold the Bible as being the Word of God, which is true in its entirety and is the basis for not only how God wants us to live, but how the God Who created us knows is best for us.
We were created for love both from our Creator and from other people.
In fact God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone (Genesis 2:18).”
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh (Genesis 2:24).”
God made us to have fellowship with Him and with others.
God created men and women, God created, and in fact is, love and God created sex.
He created these things to be good, both pleasing and practical.
God knows that we desire love.
“What a man desires is unfailing love (Proverbs 19:22).”
These desires are right and good.
They are given by God.
It is distortions in our views of these gifts that can lead to ruined lives and dreams.
As we follow God’s plan for our lives, including our relationships, we will find the most fulfillment and joy.
When we leave God’s plan, all of our relationships will suffer.
My definition of love goes beyond emotions.
Yes, when you love someone you may “feel” love for them.
But love is much more.
Love is commitment.
Love is considering the other person before yourself.
“Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).”
!
Physical Contact Between Boyfriend and Girlfriend
\\ People are looking for love.
People are looking for acceptance, closeness, intimacy and oneness with another.
People are looking for the person with whom they can share their lives, their hopes, their dreams, their failures and successes, their sorrows and joys.
Physical closeness can fulfill some of these desires.
It can provide feelings of acceptance and closeness.
It can provide the desired intimacy at some levels (although not all).
I understand these desires full well.
One thing I miss while away from home is a good hug from my family.
We do have a desire, and I would even say a need, for physical contact.
Those who love us often show this love in part through physical contact.
However, this connection between love and physical contact can be misunderstood.
Instead of love being the motivator for physical contact, physical contact is often a motivator for what is thought to be love.
This is where one of my concerns arises.
I see many students holding hands as they walk around campus.
I live in an area of campus where couples come to spend time together.
This has shown me that people do more than just holding hands.
I have even heard students voice the opinion that “there is nothing wrong with living together before marriage.
In fact, this is important to see how things will work out between a couple.”
(I will deal with this in a later section.
For now I will deal with less serious physical contact.)
I do not have anything against holding hands, and I will even concede a kiss now and then, but when physical contact is becoming a central part of the relationship an unhealthy trend has been created.
(Note that I am conceding an occasional kiss, but not recommending it.
If you feel that kissing is inappropriate or makes you feel uncomfortable, it is certainly fine to not include this in your relationship.)
Love is built on respect for the other as a person, for their thoughts, their personality, etc. False love is built on physical contact.
Physical contact can create a situation that is hard to get out of.
It is nice to have another person hold us, etc.
These things do feel good, and rightly so, but they can encourage us to stay in a relationship that should not be continued.
They can falsely create the feelings of love and acceptance.
!
Living Together Before Marriage
\\ This discussion of physical contact is not complete without a brief look at living together before marriage.
I have had students express the thought that “Of course it is fine to live together before getting married.
In fact it is necessary to see if things will work out.
You learn a lot about a person when you live with them, so this needs to be tested.”
I do certainly agree that you learn a lot about a person when you live with them, however this does not mean that this “test” is ok before marriage.
When you marry, you will learn many things about your spouse that you had not realized before, many of these things may surprise you and be negative in your eyes.
Yes, it is important to get to know someone before you marry them, but this needs to be done without living together.
It is important to get to know a person’s character so well, that you know that those details which will be discovered will not be anything that will destroy your relationship.
This is one more reason why excessive physical contact can be dangerous.
When “love” is created or maintained by physical contact it is easy to miss really getting to know a person.
When marriage comes, and it is time to live together, there is more than only physical contact.
The real issues of who the person is will be known.
Even when living together without the commitment of marriage, it is possible to at least partially hide the real person, to hide the negative aspects.
There is no commitment, there is limited dependency on one another.
These factors leave a space for potential problems not to be found even by the “test” of living together.
On the other hand, living together can create an unhealthy bond and dependency that is built more on physical and selfish love than on committed, giving love.
It can also destroy future relationships, assuming that the present relationship ends, or decrease the value of the eventual marriage, if the relationship progresses to that point.
I want to make sure that it is completely clear that sex is to be saved until after you are married.
Today’s culture says that it is ok to have sex before marriage.
For the reasons listed above as well as many more, it is not.
(As a side note, I would like to mention that a good way to see how someone may be to live with is to see how they get along with their roommates.
Do they get along well with their roommates or are there usually problems?
This is not a guaranteed indicator, but it would be something useful to look at.)
\\ “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure… (Hebrews 13:4).”
!
The Value of Marriage
\\ In my view, both the purpose and value of marriage are commitment.
(This is also a strong factor in my definition of true love.)
Marriage is a commitment to be with a person physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually, etc. forever (until death anyhow).
Today’s culture has cheapened marriage by the wide acceptance of divorce and even of affairs within marriage.
I commonly hear that “I will stay with my wife (or husband), but if we find that we don’t love each other or don’t get along we need to get a divorce.”
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