Part 2: Overcoming Shame

Today, I’ve got to warn you. It's going to be a little bit heavy, so I want to just tell you on the front side, be prepared. We're going to talk about the deeply painful emotion known as shame. What's so interesting is this time of year, around Christmas time and the holidays, a lot of people seem to battle shame from the past even more than other times of the year. In fact, shame can be described like this: Shame is a soul crushing, identity warping emotion.

In fact, I bet most of you, if you think back in your childhood, you can probably remember some of the first times when you did something and experienced a feeling of shame. There is a difference between guilt and shame.

What is guilt? Guilt is the feeling that I did bad. Shame is the idea that I am bad. Guilt is, "I did something bad." Shame is the emotion that says, "I am bad.

We connect what we did with who we are.

Illustration: Growing up and did something wrong and experiencing the shame of what you did.

Before long, you put words on it. What do you say? I don't know, but here are some different words that you may identify in your own identity:

I am defective. I am damaged. I am broken. I am flawed. I am dirty. I am ugly. I am impure. I am disgusting. I am unlovable. I am weak. I am pitiful. I am insignificant. I am worthless. I am unwanted.

After going through all that, it’s no wonder people want to have a drink or do drugs to numb the feeling of shame and depression!

There is counseling term called “shame-based thinking.” The idea of what they call shame based thinking is this: When your identity is colored by something that you did and you start to embrace a negative view of who you are, you adopt what they call a shame based mindset. There are three big ideas of how shame based thinking impacts us.

The first one is this, when we have shame based thinking, we're vulnerable to perfectionism. We're vulnerable to perfectionism. We attempt to silence our shame with an error free performance, and we find it difficult to ever admit failure. We want to silence the sham e by performing at the highest standard and say, "Look, I'm not that bad. I did it. I exceeded. I got it just right," and we're very vulnerable to perfectionism.

The second thing is that we're critical of ourselves, making us critical of others. We're very, very hard on ourselves, and that, in turn, makes us hard on other people. What happens? We see our own faults mirrored in other people, and when we see our faults in other people, we become judgmental of them, and then they perceive us as arrogant or self-righteous, and that's why you may observe some times when you find someone who is an angrily critical person, "Ah, this that, this that, and this that." So often that person is dealing with a very dark, very real, very secret shame. Why? They reflect their own weakness and see it in other people, and lash out, because they hate the very thing that dwells within them.

The third thing, if you're taking notes, is this. We use self-defeating thoughts as a form of protection and escape. What do we do? We focus on the worst possible outcome, saying, "This bad thing is going to happen, and they're never going to like me, and I'm never going to amount to anything, and we'll never have a close relationship," and through our own self-defeating thoughts, we end up sabotaging opportunities and relationships.

That's why Christmas can get so crazy. What happens? You're around the table and your mom lashes out at you for no reason at all. Where did that come from? You don’t recognize that she's dealing with some internal identity warping shame that causes her to say something harmful. Your dad goes off and gets drunk and disengages from everyone. You're like, "There he goes again," and you don't recognize that it's his unhealthy and unproductive way of coping with a very real and internal shame. Your in-laws pick at you about the way you raise your kids. "Why would they do this," and the reality is perhaps they feel inadequate, like they didn't succeed in doing everything that wanted to, and they mirror that in you and pick at you . Or what do you do? You become hyper critical of everybody else. Why? Because deep down, you're very critical of yourself, reflecting an inward warped identity battling with shame.

There is good news though!

Isaiah 54:4 NLT

4 “Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth and the sorrows of widowhood.

Why is it that if you're a Jesus follower, we can be completely free from the shame of our past?

1 John 1:9 NLT

9 But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.

Maybe you've been a Jesus follower for a long time, and you know that truth in 1 John, why do you not feel it and embrace it in your heart? The truth is it can be very, very difficult to overcome shame, because, again, it becomes a part of our identity.

Transition: I want to explain how this works using a story from the Bible, and then I'll explain how it woks in my life, and we're going to see how Christ can set us all free in all of our lives.

Body:

I. A biblical example of this is found in Exodus. If you know in the Old Testament, God's people were actually in bondage as slaves for four hundred and thirty years, four hundred and thirty years. You can imagine if you were a slave at the end of four hundred and thirty years, you were a slave. Your parents were slaves. Your grandparents were slaves for literally week after week, month after month, year after year, decade after decade, century after century. Your identity was, "I am worthless. I am nothing. I'm just a slave. I am not important. My life is not valuable. I am simply a slave."

If you know the story, God raised up Moses, and Moses went before Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go," and God gave him favor in this way, and Pharaoh released God's people, and they were finally, after over four centuries, freed from slavery. What happened though? Though they were free outwardly, most of them were still slaves inwardly. They were a slave to the shame of their identity from the past. Let me say it this way. Though they were out of slavery, slavery was not out of them. Let me say it this way. Though they were out of Egypt, Egypt was not yet out of them. Though they were free in person, they were not yet free in their hearts.

This is the problem that so many of us have. We may intellectually know, "Jesus has forgiven my sins. Jesus has made me new," but in our hearts, because our identity is not yet grounded in Christ, we still are polluted by the past shame that holds us hostage and keep s us from living the life that God really wants us to live.

Here's the bottom line. You can jot this down.

You're still believing that you are something that God says you are not.

What's the problem. Let me say it again. You are still believing that you are something that God says you are not, shame based thinking that warps our identity.

II. But what does continue to hold me down is a distorted view of my identity that I've been working for years to find healing in, and in recent years have made significant progress in this. My distorted view of myself is this, and I'll just unpack it as best I can. When I am living in a shamed based mindset, here is my unhealthy and distorted view of myself, and that is I am ... Remember, I did that, so I am bad. This is what I believe. I am not good enough. That's my shame based mindset. I am in adequate. No matter what I do, it's not good enough. I am always going to be inadequate. I will never, ever be enough. That's the distorted shamed based identity that often holds me back.

Since I couldn't fix those things, it confirmed the, "Well, I am inadequate. I can't get this done," and so, as one vulnerable to perfectionism, I will perform my way to acceptance. Straight A's, participate successfully in multiple sports. I'm going to be the best.

Fast forward to today, and here's where I get into trouble. I am the husband to Charity and the father to three children.

Here's where I get into trouble. Every single day I disappoint so many people, every single day. I can't do that lunch, I can't do, I can't do, I can't do. As much as I want to, there are simply too many “can you’s” for me to say yes to all of them, and so it reinforces this shame idea that I'm not good enough.

When I am unhealthy, what I do is say, "I'm going to dig in. I'm going to prove it," and where I get very, very vulnerable is that I'm going to work myself into the ground to prove I am enough, and that's how my shame based thinking takes me into a very, very unhealthy place, and if you'r e really, really honest, a lot of you would say, "Well, here's where my shame based thinking ends up taking me." I do more than what I should and I end up burning out and being no good to anyone. On top of that, I don’t get thanked like I think I should and that leads to being offended (like we talked about last week) and when we are tired and worn out, Satan can have a field day if we aren’t alert and careful!

III. What’s the solution? All of this leads up to this solution, and this is what really, really matters. You could jot this down if you want to.

The only way to heal from shame is to move the focus from what I'm not to who Christ is.

Let me say it again. The only way to heal from shame is to move the focus from what I'm not to who Christ is. Whenever you're focused on yourself, you're going to come up short again and again, because if you think something bad about yourself, it might actually partially be true. I'm going to get in your business right now. If you think, "Well, I'm a bad person," can I just say respectfully, yep, you kind of are. You're kind of a sinner and so am I. If you think, "I'm inadequate," guess what? Right again.

You're not designed to do life on your own. You need help, and you are inadequate, and so am I. If you think, "I'm pathetic," I hate to be rude, but some of you honestly are. You're kind of pathetic. I hate to tell you, but you kind of are. If you focus on yourself, you're always going to come up short, and that's why we have to move the focus off of this is not who I am, but move the focus on who Christ is, and He is the solution to our shame.

If you look in your notes, I've put a little sentence with a couple of blanks, and this is where you got to get to work. This is where you got to be honest. This is where you get to get o ver your shame based identity, to never admit to need, and to have the courage to be transparent, to open up to your life, to let the guard down, to let somebody in, to be honest with God and say, "I need your help and I need healing at this place in my life."

Now, I want you to write this in your notes:

I am not ______.

Whatever it is, I don't know what will go on your blank, but then you fill it in with the truth, because of Christ, I am what?

Let me give you some ideas. You might say this, "I'm not bad. I'm not going to focus on that. Because of Christ, I am forgiven."

"I'm not sick. Because of Christ, I am healed."

"I'm not broken. Because of Christ, I am a new creation in Christ Jesus. The old is gone and I've become new."

"I'm not disgusting. Because of Christ, I am loved." I would say it this way, I'm not just inadequate. Because of Christ in me, Christ is more than enough. Christ in me is more than enough, and remove the focus off of ourselves and onto Christ, and that's when we start to find healing.

Remember the Israelites, four hundred and thirty years, four hundred and thirty years. God sets them free. They're out of Egypt, but Egypt's not out of them. They're out of slavery, but in their minds, in their hearts, they're still in bondage to shame of the past, and God says something in , years after they are actually free, and I love the way that God says it.

Joshua 5:9 NLT

9 Then the Lord said to Joshua, “Today I have rolled away the shame of your slavery in Egypt.” So that place has been called Gilgal to this day.

"The Lord said to Joshua, 'Today ...'" Everyone say, today. He said today. Not tomorrow. Not after three years of counseling, not after you've paid your dues, but because of our good God, in His presence at this moment, by His grace, from His power, through His Spirit, today, today God says, "I have rolled away the shame of your slavery in Egypt. Today, I've rolled it away. Today, at this moment, there is no more shame."

Someone may have said to you, "Shame on you, shame on you." I hope none of us ever say that incredibly hurtful phrase, but maybe you've felt that shame on you. God says, "I've rolled it off of you." Shame was on you. Now because of God, shame is off of you. Feel it. Shame was on you, but now shame is off of you. Shame was on you, but God, by His power, by His grace, by His goodness, today, not later, today, today, shame is off you.

Your enemy tries to tell you, "Shame on you. You're not good." No, no, no. I may not be good, but because of God, I am forgiven. Or, "You're pathetic." No, no, no. Because of Jesus Christ, His power is what I need. Anytime the enemy says, "Shame on you," you say no, God rolled it off of me. Shame on you. No, by God's power, it's no longer on me. He rolled it away, and the shame was no longer there.

Understand this, embrace it,

You are not what you did in the past. You are not what others say you are. You are not who you think you are. You are not what somebody did to you.

Who are you?

You are who Christ says you are.

You are who Christ says you are. If you are in Christ, who are you? You are free. You are forgiven. You are changed. You are redeemed. You are healed. You are blessed. You are chosen. You are complete. If you are in Christ, you are a child of God. The old is gone and everything has become new. You're out of Egypt and Egypt is out of you. You're out of shame, and shame is out of you.

Why? Because, today, today, by the power of God, He's rolled away the shame. No more condemnation. No more condemnation. No more condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Conclusion:

What is it for you? What is it for you? You carried a secret. You made a decision, something you regret. You hurt somebody. You failed, and your enemy has tried to connect the what with the who. You're bad. You're dirty. You're nothing. Take the focus off of you, and put the focus on who Christ is. We are Christ centered in the way we live. I might be a little bit inadequate, but Christ in me is more than enough. Christ in me is more than enough. I can do everything He calls me to do. I have everything I need to do everything He calls me to do. Today, may the shame be rolled away.

Let me close it out one more time with and my prayer for you. "Fear not. Fear not." Fear not.

Your enemy tells you you'll never be ...

You're never going to amount ...

If they only knew you, they wouldn't love you.

You could never make a difference.

Fear not. Fear not, because of God's power, because of His grace, because of what Christ did, you will no longer live in shame. Do not be afraid. There is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth. You are not what you did. You are not what others say you are. You are not even what you think you are. You are who Christ says you are, and if you are in Christ, you are a child of God. The old is gone, and the new has come, and because of that, you no longer have to live in shame.

Let's pray together. Father, we thank you for your goodness. We thank you for your grace, and we thank you, God, that at a very difficult and painful time of the year for so many people, we can meet the goodness of Jesus and find healing in His presence.

As you take a moment and you reflect today in prayer, I want to just pray for those of you who would say, "Yes, PJ, I'm kind of like you. If I look at my life, I've got some shame based thinking that can pollute the way I live, can warp my id entity, and I want the healing of God. I want to take the focus off of me, and I want to put it on Christ."

If you say, "Yes, I do. My identity is not what it should be, because I have a shame based mindset at times. I want Jesus to help heal me," would you lift up your hands right now.

God, today, I pray, I pray especially for those who may be even crying quietly and silently right now, those who are breaking down on the inside. God, we thank you for the grace that we have through Jesus. God, we thank you that as we confess our sins, you are faithful and just, God, to forgive us from all of our sin, God, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Father, may we not ju st embrace this in our minds, but may we believe it in our hearts. We are not what we did in the past. God, help us to be who you say that we are.

God, I pray especially for those who are in deep bondage to a shame based mindset that you would give us ver y powerful words to place in those blanks. "I am not whatever it is. Because of Christ, I am healed. Because of Christ, I am new. Because of Christ, I am forgiven. Because of Christ, I am changed."

God, empower us to take the focus off of ourselves and to put it in on your son, who changes and sets us free.

As you keep praying today, there are many of you that you're going to experience the forgiveness that you've never, ever known before. I told you about some of the things that I did that I remember and I carried those for years and years. I remember being in college and just feeling the weight of my sin. I felt so dirty. I felt like God could never, ever love me after all that I did. Spiritually I thought my life was completely over, and I didn't understand the reality of this is how good God is, that He loved me and He loves you, and there's nothing you could do to make Him love you more, and there's nothing you could do to make Him love you less.

Even when you've sinned grossly against Him and hurt so many other people, God still loves you, and what makes His love so amazing is that He actually sent His son, Jesus, who was perfect in every way, and scripture says he scorned the shame. Jesus because sin for us on the cross. He died for the forgiveness of our sin, but He didn't stay dead. He was raised from the dead. Why? So that anyone who calls on Him would be saved. Anyone who calls on him would be changed. No matter what you've done, no matter how dark your life has been, the son of God gave His life so that you could live.

Maybe there are those here, you recognize, "Yes, I'm carrying the shame of my past. I want to be forgiven." The day when you call on Him, He will forgive every sin that you have ever committed. You won't be a better version of you. You'll be a new version of you, transformed by the grace, the love, and the power of Jesus Christ.

Those who say, "Yes, I need His forgiveness. Yes, I need His grace. Yes, today I surrender to him," if that's your prayer today, lift your hands right now and say, "Yes, I surrender. Jesus, take my life."

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