Good Grief!
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Good Grief!
Good Grief!
Who here reads/read the comic strip Peanuts? I love it. Charles Schultz used it as what can only be described as one of the best social, religious, and political commentary of America. All that aside, though, it could be argued, that Charlie Brown has some of worst kinds of luck. And after every single time that Lucy pulls the ball before a kick, sees Snoopy doing something obnoxious, hears Linus give some smart-alack response, gets knocked out of his socks after a pitch, or sees the kite-eating tree devour one more of his kites, what is the response of this poor kid? Good Grief!
With all of the loss my family and I have endured in the last few weeks, I’ve really had to look at the concept of grief, and what it is and what its all about. Good news: I have found some awesome things about grief, that you possibly did not know.
Everybody grieves or will grieve.
Grief is good and healthy.
Grief and the grieving process should not be rushed.
Everyone grieves or will grieve
Everyone grieves or will grieve
We often look at Salvation History and, although we can cognitively acknowledge that grief is there, we gloss over it. Especially on the part of God. Yes, God has, does, and continues to grieve. Over what?
Turn with me to :
The New King James Version Chapter 3
23 therefore the LORD God sent him out of the garden of Eden to till the ground from which he was taken. 24 So He drove out the man; and He placed cherubim at the east of the garden of Eden, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to guard the way to the tree of life.
We often buy the excuse that Eve gave when God asked her what she had done, don’t we? She was deceived, or tricked by the Serpent, right? The problem with this thinking is that we then get to a place where we do the same as her, refuse to take responsibility for our own actions. That said, it can then be concluded that if they were not tricked or deceived, but instead made the conscience decision to go their own way and choose themselves and reject God, how do you think they felt being banished from the Garden? They had everything, and it was perfect, and they had no needs that were unfulfilled. As Scripture points out, “God saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good.” This is how the end of the sixth day of creation ended, after creating humanity last of all. And that same creation, made perfectly in His image, rejected Him. Think about those times that your own children, or maybe a niece or nephew, or maybe a grandchild, rejected you. How did you feel? Now, mutiply that times infinity and you may get an inkling of what God felt like, and feels while He watches the vast majority of His creation constantly and continually reject Him, especially after He has provided us with a way back to Him through His Son Jesus. So, yes, even God experiences grief.
Grieving is Good and Healthy
Grieving is Good and Healthy
I cannot stress this enough. We as Christians, and even moreso as Adventists, have this ridiculous idea that we shouldn’t grieve that much, or that deeply, for any reason. Lose a spouse to divorce? “Oh, well God has a plan for you, take heart and be of good cheer!” Have a child make horrible decisions and end up in a terrible lifestyle? “We’ll pray for you, but take heart and be of good cheer, God has you in His hand.” Death of a beloved pet or worse, a service animal? “Oh, yeah, that can be tough, but…it was just a dog...” Thanks. I didn’t know that she was a dog. It’s not like she was the reason so many of my family was able to cope with day to day stressors as well as the harder stressors of raising kids in foster care, or how some of us deal with our disabilities, right? Death of a loved one… “Oh, don’t worry, they are asleep in Christ, you’ll see them before you know it, and their next thought is waking up to see Jesus come!” Really? You know that? You know their heart? You are sure they’ll be there for the first resurrection, and I won’t see them at the second and watch, for a thousand years, in all the ways they rejected God in their heart?
In our Scripture reading today, we see that even Jesus grieved, and in a tangible way we can relate to. His very good friend Lazarus, brother to His friends Mary and Martha, had died. And His grief was apparent. He was saddened by the loss of Lazarus. He was united with Humanity in His sorrow over the loss of Lazarus. And what was the crowd’s response? At first, it was like “Oh, wow, we didn’t know how close they were. That is truly hard to see how it hits Jesus.” Then, after a few minutes, what is their response? “Uhm…hey, wasn’t this the guy that healed all those folks, and even healed that blind guy…couldn’t He have done something?” Criticism. That was their insensitive response. Criticism. And before you ask, don’t dare lump Mary and Martha’s accusations in with them. You know what I mean. That whole “If You had been here, he would not have died.” You cannot blame a grieving family member for their grief.
Does anybody know the actual Stages of Grief and what they look like?
Let me share with you:
Shock/Denial: This can look like a variety of things, but it is no suprise. Either the person seems without emotion, or they can be in total denial that the loss occurred, or that there is anything wrong with them. A person can even appear to be happy.
Anger: This is where Mary and Martha were at. They were showing signs of the anger stage of grief. This can be seen as having a short fuse, finding someone or something to blame for the loss, to include one’s self. In children and even some adults, this can look like physically lashing out. Healthy adults generally gravitate towards some sort of vigorous physical activity, like working out, or boxing, or other contact sport that gives their anger physical release. It’s not uncommon for people to get angry with those who are trying to comfort them.
Bargaining: This one is a loaded basket, so to speak. For many, it can be arguing or trying to bargain with God. In instances of broken relationships, this can look like many things, like offering to do this or that to repair a relationship, to include unhealthy things.
Depression/Despair: This is the one we always see the easiest, but help others with in the worst ways. This part of the grieving process is actually good. Why? Because it is near the end. Sure, we need to be there for someone experiencing grief. Sure, we need to do what we can to help them cope with their loss and depression in healthy ways, whether it be being a good listener, recommending professional help, to include medication, and to maybe offer to help out by bringing meals, offering to run the odd errand, or other such item.
Acceptance: This is the one where the person experiencing loss has come to terms with their loss, and can begin to finish healing. This stage can come at any time after the process begins, and the person experiening loss generally finds themselves often surprised that this stage has come upon them.
This leads me to my last point.
The Grieving Process Cannot Be Rushed
The Grieving Process Cannot Be Rushed
Often, because some stages can last longer in different people, when we see someone hurting, we often, usually with good intentions, try to help hurry along the grieving process. This is NEVER a good idea, unless you are a licensed and trained mental health counsellor or professional. I cannot stress this enough. In particular, when we see someone “stuck” in the angry stage for months, then we often want to intervene. The same can be for people stuck in the shock/denial phase, and especially in the despair/depression stage. After the loss of my Grandma I cannot count the number of times I heard people say things like “Well, Anthony, did you see the loss coming?” Well, of course I did! My grandma was 94, had severe dementia and alzheimer’s, and had recently suffered a minor stroke! Even worse was when, the previous Tuesday, I had found that she was refusing food and medications. Does that change how hard it hit me when my beloved grandma, who had always been there when I needed, always remembered my birthday, and made efforts throughout my childhood, to see as many of my choir concerts, plays, and musicals that she and my grandpa could possibly go to? Did it change the fact that I will never see her again in this life? No, it won’t.
And here’s the biggest thing about when we rush the stages of grief: they don’t always come in order, and people often bounce around, repeatedly, before getting to acceptance. Even after acceptance, how do you think I am going to feel every Thanksgiving? My grandmother was buried the day before. We oftentimes see people who have losses go through bouts of depression, anger, or other such emotions around the anniversary of the loss or even some annual time or event that reminds us of the loss. March is still a hard month for me, because I lost my grandfather (the husband to the grandmother I just lost) that month, and that was almost 18 years ago.
Early October is still sometimes hard for me, as that was when my ex-wife left me, prior to my deployment to Iraq. Have I moved on since the divorce? Obviously! I am happily married to the woman who brought me to the faith that my life revolves around! But do I have regrets? Do I still have a measure of guilt, of sadness? You bet. And that’s okay.
Even the apostles grieved. Remember the upper room? They weren’t exactly happy, and several of them, most notably Peter, had plenty to feel guilty about. In fact, of all the apostles, John was probably one of the ones grieving the worst, as he was there for the trip to Golgotha and the crucifixion itself.
Amen
Amen
Why is it okay? Because I know my Savior lives, and I know that one day, all of my grieving is going to end. Forever. No more tears of sadness. No more melancholy thoughts. All of those who died in Christ will be there with me on the sea of glass on the last day at the sound of the last trumpet. But I rest in that knowledge because I have accepted Jesus as both my Lord and Savior. Have you put your faith in Jesus such that you have full confidence that you will see Him on the last day?
Everyone of us is going to experience grief in our lives, if we have not already. It’s normal and it’s healthy. And if you know someone who is grieving, let them grieve in their own time.
I will end with some words of comfort that Paul gave to the Thessalonians:
Everyone of us is going to experience grief in our lives, if we have not already. It’s normal and it’s healthy. And if you know someone who is grieving, let them grieve in their own time.
The New King James Version Chapter 4
13 But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. 14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus.
15 For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord will by no means precede those who are asleep. 16 For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord. 18 Therefore comfort one another with these words.
Let us pray.