Sermon Tone Analysis

IV. Steps to Solution

The primary problem with codependency can be called “idolatry”—giving a greater priority to anything or anyone other than God Himself.

Our God is the One who created you and who has a wonderful plan for your life.

He is the Lord who loves you and knows how to fulfill you.

If you are in a codependent relationship …

• Your excessive care causes you to compromise your convictions.

• Your excessive loyalty leaves you without healthy boundaries.

• Your excessive “love” allows you to say yes when you should say no.

However, our Maker and Master has the right to have primary rule in our hearts and over our lives.

Any other substitute is simply idolatry.

The Bible says,

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.”

(Deuteronomy 6:5)

A. Key Verse to Memorize

No other verse in the Bible is better at helping us set our priorities straight … put our relationships in the right order.

We must put “first things first” or else we, in our relationships, will never have the fulfillment that God has planned for us.

“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God?

Or am I trying to please men?

If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

(Galatians 1:10)

B. Key Passage to Read and Reread

Notice two thoughts in this passage that seem to be in opposition to one another.

“If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.

But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself.

Each one should test his own actions.

Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load.”

(Galatians 6:1–5)

Does Scripture Contradict Itself?

Verse 2 says, “Carry each other’s burdens,” and verse 5 says, “Each one should carry his own load.”

Since these two clear-cut directives seem contradictory to each other, which one is true?

When you carefully analyze what is being said, there is no contradiction.

• Verse 1—Gently encourage another person to change from negative behavior, but beware of your own temptation.

• Verse 2—The Greek word for “burden” is baros, which means “weight,” implying a load or something that is pressing heavily.

When you help carry what is too heavy for someone else to bear alone, your caring response fulfills the law of Christ.

• Verse 5—The Greek word for “load” is phortion, which means “something carried.”

Clearly, when you carry what others should carry, you are not wise.

You are not called by God to relieve others of their rightful responsibilities.

Conclusion: Those who are codependent try to get their needs met by carrying loads that others should be carrying.

To move out of a codependent relationship, both individuals need to quit trying to be the other person’s “all-in-all” and instead encourage each other to take responsibility for their own lives and to live dependently on the strength of God.

C. Recovery Step #1: Confront Your Own Codependency

Codependency does not flow from an unchangeable personality flaw or some genetic fluke.

A codependent relationship is rooted in immaturity, a fact that should give great hope to those caught in its addictive cycle.

While change is never easy, growing up is always within the grasp of anyone who desires to move from immaturity to maturity.

Any of us can move from codependency to a healthy, mutual give-and-take in our relationships.

The key to change is motivation.

What kind of motivation?

When your pain in the relationship is greater than your fear of abandonment, the motivation for change is powerful.

Moving away from the pain of codependency then becomes a matter of choice and commitment.

If you feel that the relationship you are in is more a curse than a blessing—when it brings more death to your soul than life—this is motivation for change.

“I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses.

Now choose life, so that you … may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him.”

(Deuteronomy 30:19–20)

• Confront the Fact That You Are Codependent.

— Admit the truth to yourself.

Before you can be free from the grasp of codependency, you must be honest with yourself about your emotional addiction to another person.

— Admit the truth to someone else.

Identify the beliefs and behaviors that have perpetuated your emotional addiction and share them with an objective, trusted friend.

— Admit the truth to God.

Realize that your emotional addiction is a serious sin in the eyes of God.

Choose now to confess it to Him.

“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.

The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.”

(James 5:16)

• Confront the Consequences of Your Codependency.

— Accept responsibility for how your past experiences and reactions have hurt your adult relationships (such as your becoming manipulative, controlling, possessive, or angry).

— Accept responsibility for the pain you have caused yourself because of your codependency (such as your becoming jealous, envious, selfish, or obsessive).

— Accept responsibility for the ways in which your codependency has weakened your relationship with God (such as a loss of quantity time, quality time, and intimacy with the Lord).

“He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”

(Proverbs 28:13)

• Confront Your Painful Emotions.

— Understand that you will have pain no matter what you choose.

If you leave the codependent relationship, you will hurt, but if you stay, you will hurt.

However, the only hope for future healing is leaving the codependent lifestyle.

— Understand that when the intensity of the relationship diminishes you will experience emotional “withdrawal” from the exhilarating highs.

— Understand that you will need the support of others to get you through the initial pain of withdrawal and to help you avoid anesthetizing your pain with a “secondary addiction.”

“Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel.”

(Proverbs 27:9)

• Confront Your “Secondary Addictions.”

— Recognize that, in an effort to numb the emotional pain of the relationship, codependency often leads to other addictions, such as a chemical dependency, sexual addiction, compulsive eating, or excessive spending.

— Recognize your “secondary addictions”; then seek counseling and spiritual support to overcome them.

— Recognize that recovery from a “secondary addiction” is dependent on recovery from your primary addiction.

“The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out.”

(Proverbs 18:15)

• Confront Your Current Codependent Relationship.

— Acknowledge your codependent role in the relationship and cease relating through codependent patterns.

— Acknowledge your destructive behaviors.

(Write them down.)

Then replace them with constructive behaviors.

(Write them down.)

— Acknowledge the natural pain of emotional withdrawal (common to the healing of addictions) and focus on God’s purpose (conforming you to the character of Christ).

“Those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son.”

(Romans 8:29)

• Confront Your Codependent Focus.

— Stop focusing on what the other person is doing and start focusing on what you need to do in order to become emotionally healthy.

— Stop focusing on the other person’s problems and start focusing on solving your own problems (those resulting from your neglect of people and projects in your life).

— Stop focusing on trying to change the other person and start focusing on changing yourself.

“The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways, but the folly of fools is deception.”

(Proverbs 14:8)