Sermon Tone Analysis

III. Causes of Codependency

What draws people into destructive, codependent relationships?

The answer is most often found in their childhood pain—a past pain that impacts their adult choices.

In reality, codependent people are grown-ups who have never grown up.

The Bible refers to immature grown-ups by using the analogy of infants feeding on milk instead of on solid food.…

“Though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God’s word all over again.

You need milk, not solid food!

Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness.”

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A. What Causes Codependency to Develop in Children?

All children progress through five developmental stages on their way to maturity and adulthood.

God designed the family to provide the necessary structure for the healthy completion of each of these stages.

If as children we fail to progress successfully from one certain stage to another, our development will be stunted at that stage, and we will grow up to be emotionally immature adults.

We will develop adult bodies, but—like children—we will be underdeveloped emotionally.

As a result, we will be inclined to be drawn into codependent, needy relationships.

Out of tender concern for the protection of children, Jesus gave this general, but strong, warning to adults.…

“If anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.”

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Five Stages of Childhood Development

God bestows on parents the major responsibility of nurturing their children so that they will not be love-starved—an emotional state that sets them up to “look for love in all the wrong places.”

#1 The Helpless Stage

Babies need to bond with their parents because they are helpless and totally dependent for all of their basic needs (including the three inner needs for love, for significance, and for security).

If your parents did not meet your needs, you may have grown into a needy adult who feels “empty” inside—as if there is a hole in your heart.

#2 The Pushing Away Stage

Toddlers need to begin to push away from their parents as a way of exploring their environment and setting boundaries.

If your parents did not allow separation, you may have grown into an adult who manipulates others in order to gain some sense of control.

#3 The Conflict Stage

Young children need to learn proper ways of resolving conflict as they begin to test their parents’ rules.

If you did not learn healthy conflict resolution skills, you may have grown into an adult who lacks problem-solving skills in your adult relationships.

#4 The Independent Stage

Preadolescent children need to grow in independence, but they still need direction and support from their parents.

If your parents stifled your assertiveness, you may have grown into a needy, unassertive adult who is dependent on others to validate you.

#5 The Sharing Stage

Adolescents need to learn mutual give-and-take and even sacrificial sharing from their parents as they begin to pursue involvement within their own groups.

If you did not see a healthy give-and-take between your parents or see ways of sacrificially helping others, you may have grown into a self-focused adult who forms unequal relationships in order to feel some sense of significance.

Children who grow up being emotionally needy and who are not allowed to learn the skills necessary for forming healthy, adult relationships never learn healthy independence.

They have difficulty speaking the truth, asking for what they want, and setting boundaries.

They become codependent adults who are addicted to unhealthy relationships because they never learned anything different.

Ultimately, they are desperately trying to finish what they started in infancy—to grow up!

Question: “As a parent, how can I keep my children from having an unhealthy dependence on me?”

Answer:

— Teach your children to pray about their decisions and to depend on God to guide them.

— Begin early to train your children to make their own decisions.

— For example, early on, allow them to choose between two or three options regarding the clothing they would like to wear.

— Praise your children for making good decisions—they will want to repeat actions that are praiseworthy.

— Allow your children to experience the repercussions of making bad decisions.

Rather than finding a way to rescue them, maintain the boundary line—some of the most memorable lessons are learned the hard way.

— Teach your children the practical principles of decision making in regard to age-appropriate topics, such as boundaries, chores, friends, curfews, money, dating, and goals.

— Encourage your children to develop friendships with other children and to learn to give and take in relationships.

— Teach your children to take care of their possessions, to perform routine household chores, and to prepare meals.

— Show your children how to budget their money and how to establish spending priorities.

— Enroll your children in group activities or clubs that will expose them to new experiences, enhance their life skills, and develop their self-confidence.

— Identify your child’s strengths and find avenues in which your child can succeed in developing those strengths.

“Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”

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God meant for us to grow.

By God’s design, you can change and grow in maturity.

You can have mature relationships.

By God’s power, what has been ravaged can be restored.

What has been ruined can be redeemed.

Ask the Lord to transform your mind with His truth.

Realize that the tree rooted in truth will bear much fruit.

“He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither.

Whatever he does prospers.”

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B. What Causes Repeated Cycles of Codependency?

Have you wondered why some people go from one bad relationship to another?

Your friend escapes one “controller” only to be attracted to another “controller.”

Why move from one negative relationship to another?

Have you been caught in the cycle yourself?

If so, you may have spoken these perplexing words of the apostle Paul.…

“What I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.”

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What Childhood Setup Leads to Adult Love Addiction?

• As a child, I had a “love bucket” that was empty.

No one sets out to be emotionally addicted to another person … to constantly crave love from another person.

These cravings were created in childhood because there was “no water in the well”—their “love buckets” were and still are empty.…

They are truly love-starved.

When unloved children receive a rare moment of attention or affection from their unloving parents, the result is both exhilarating and confusing.

They feel confused as to why they can’t be consistently loved, and they become fixated on how to get that feeling of love again.

Rejected children live for any moment of acceptance.

Any hint of love becomes an emotional high that temporarily relieves their pain.

These children may become adult love addicts because they …

— did not receive enough positive affirmation as children

— grew up feeling unloved, insignificant, and insecure

— experienced a traumatic separation or a lack of bonding

— felt and continue to feel intense sadness and a profound loss at being abandoned

— experienced repeated rejection from their parents

— felt and continue to feel extreme fear, helplessness, and emptiness

• As an adult, I find that my “love bucket” has holes in it.

Children with empty “love buckets” create a fantasy about some “savior” who will remove their fear and finally make them feel whole.

But no matter how much love they receive, it’s not enough because they themselves are not whole.

As adults, they are still emotionally needy “children” who …

— believe that being loved by someone—anyone—is the solution to their emptiness

— enter relationships believing they cannot take care of themselves

— assign too much value and power to the other person in a relationship

— have tremendously unrealistic expectations of the other person

— try to “stick like glue” to the other person in order to feel connected

— live in fear that those who truly love them will ultimately leave them

The plight of a love addict would seem without solution were it not for the Lord, who is the only true Savior, the One who loves them unconditionally and eternally.

The Bible gives this assurance.…

“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.”

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The Cycle of the Weak One

Scenario #1

A woman appears weak because as a child her emotional needs were never met.