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Look Also to the Interests of Others
Look Also to the Interests of Others
NLT
Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.
So far we have focused primarily on how to resolve the personal issues that can arise during a conflict.
As we all know, however, conflict may also involve material issues.
Two friends may disagree on the cost of repairing damaged property, or two businesspeople may interpret a contract in entirely different ways.
A couple may disagree on where to spend a vacation.
Neighbors may differ on whether or not a fence needs to be replaced and who should bear the cost.
Until these substantive matters are settled, peace will be hindered, even if the related personal issues are resolved.
In this chapter we will look at five principles that can help you reach agreements on material issues in a biblically faithful manner.
Cooperative versus Competitive Negotiation
Many people automatically resort to a competitive style when negotiating material issues.
They act like they are having a tug-of-war, with each person pulling aggressively to get what he or she wants and letting others look out for themselves.
Although this approach may be appropriate when prompt results are needed or when someone is defending important moral principles, it has three inherent weaknesses.
First, a competitive approach often fails to produce the best possible solution to a problem.
When people work against each other, they tend to focus on surface issues and neglect underlying desires and needs.
As a result, they often reach inadequate solutions.
Moreover, a competitive approach usually assumes that for one side to get more of the pie, the other side must get less.
This “fixed pie” attitude discourages the openness and flexibility needed to develop creative and comprehensive solutions.
Second, competitive negotiation can also be quite inefficient.
It usually begins with each side stating a specific position, and progress is made by successive compromises and concessions.
Because each compromise typically is about half the size of the previous one and takes twice as long, this process can consume a great deal of time and generate significant frustration.
Finally, competitive negotiating can significantly damage personal relationships.
This approach tends to be very self-centered and easily offends others.
It also focuses on material issues rather than on personal concerns, perceptions, and feelings.
At best, those involved in the process get the message that these relational matters are unimportant.
At worst, the inherent contest of wills leads to overt intimidation, manipulation, and personal attacks.
This competitive process often results in seriously damaged relationships.
Many of these problems can be avoided by negotiating in a cooperative rather than a competitive manner.
People who practice cooperative negotiation deliberately seek solutions that are beneficial to everyone involved.
By working with our opponents rather than against them, we are more likely to communicate and appreciate underlying needs and concerns.
As a result, we are apt to develop wiser and more complete solutions.
When carried out properly, cooperative negotiation is relatively efficient, because less time and energy is wasted on defensive posturing.
Best of all, because attention is paid to personal concerns, this style of negotiation tends to preserve or even improve relationships.
Cooperative negotiation is highly commended by Scripture, which repeatedly commands us to have an active concern for the needs and well-being of others:
“Love your neighbor as yourself” ().
“[Love] is not self-seeking” ().
“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets” ().
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (; cf. ).
Having a loving concern for others does not mean always giving in to their demands.
We do have a responsibility to look out for our own interests ().
Furthermore, Jesus calls us to be “as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves” ().
The Greek word phronimos, translated “shrewd” in this passage, means to be “prudent, sensible, and practically wise.”1
A wise person does not give in to others unless there is a valid reason to do so.
After gathering all the relevant information and exploring creative options, a wise person works toward solutions that honor God and provide lasting benefits to as many people as possible.
While this may sometimes lead to unilateral concessions, it usually requires that both sides contribute to a solution.
As these passages indicate, cooperative negotiation may be described as a combination of love and wisdom.
I have found that this loving and wise process generally involves five basic steps, which may be summarized in this simple rule: When you need to negotiate, PAUSE.
This acronym stands for the following steps:
Prepare
Affirm relationships
Understand interests
Search for creative solutions
Evaluate options objectively and reasonably
The more carefully you follow each of these steps, the more likely you will be to reach mutually beneficial agreements on material issues.
Prepare
Preparation is one of the most important elements of successful negotiation (, ).
This is especially true when significant issues or strong feelings are involved.
Several activities are good preparation for negotiation:
Pray.
Ask God for humility, discernment, and wisdom as you prepare.
Get the facts.
Read relevant documents carefully (e.g., contracts, employment manuals, letters).
Talk with key witnesses.
Conduct necessary research.
Identify issues and interests (which I will define below).
Try to discern the real cause of the disagreement.
Carefully list the issues involved.
Make a list of your interests as well as the interests of others as you understand them.
Study the Bible.
Clearly identify the biblical principles involved, and make sure you know how to put them into practice.
Develop options.
Do some brainstorming before you talk with your opponent so you can propose a few reasonable solutions to the problem.
Be prepared to explain how each option will benefit your opponent.
Anticipate reactions.
Put yourself in your opponent’s shoes and try to predict a few likely reactions to your proposals.
Develop a response to each of those reactions.
Plan an alternative to a negotiated agreement.
Decide in advance what you will do if negotiations are not successful.
Select an appropriate time and place to talk.
Consider your opponent’s possible preferences.
Plan your opening remarks.
In particular, plan how to set a positive tone at the outset of the meeting and how to encourage your opponent to enter into the discussion with an open mind.
Seek counsel.
If you have doubts about how to proceed with negotiations, talk with people who can give you wise and biblically sound advice.
The Barking Dog.
To make this discussion as practical and vivid as possible, I will show how the PAUSE approach to negotiation could be followed in an actual conflict.
We will consider the following situation throughout this chapter.
Jim and Julie Johnson live on a two-acre tract of land outside of town.
Their nearest neighbors, Steve and Sally Smith, have a similar acreage.
The two houses are located within a hundred feet of each other on adjacent corners of the properties.
The Smiths raise Border collies as a hobby and a small business.
A few weeks ago they acquired a new dog named Molly, who barks sporadically several evenings a week.
The annoying barking has been keeping the Johnsons awake at night, and their children are complaining about being tired in school.
To make matters worse, the Smiths recently began to exercise and feed Molly at 5:00 a.m.
This noisy activity robs the Johnsons of another hour of sleep.
A week or so ago, Jim noticed Sally working in her garden, and he went over to ask if she would do something about the barking.
She said she was sorry, and for a few days the barking subsided.
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