Sermon Tone Analysis

Attachments 10

 

/(We have dealt with the avoidant and the ambivalent attachment styles, so tonight we come to the disorganized attachment style.

We are on page 95.)/

 

6

!! The Grass Is Always Dead

!! On Both Sides of the Fence

 

The Disorganized Attachment Style

 

/Being abandoned, treated with inconsistent love and abuse,/

/and being subjected to contradictory communications/

/all contribute to a child’s sense of helplessness./

–Louis Breger

 

 

“Persons with a disorganized attachment style have the ability to find darkness everywhere they turn.

As they look out at the world of relationships, the grass is always dead on both sides of the fence.

Why?

Because they hold a negative view of others and a negative view of themselves.

We often describe these persons as having a ‘shattered self.’

(/Most other don’t, but I use the words “broken” and “fractured” or “shattered” differently.

The kind of breaking that comes from God is called “brokenness,” but there is a breaking that is negative and destructive and I call this fracturing.

The authors call this the “shattered self.”/)

They (/i.e.

those with a disorganized attachment style/) can behave like those who have an avoidant attachment style, looking inside themselves for satisfaction as they emotionally wall of those close to them.

Then, they can sense some kind of shift in the emotional winds and change strategy without warning, becoming desperately clingy and dependent, like those with ambivalent attachment style, as they hope a stronger, wiser other will come to their rescue.

Surprisingly, at other times, they may appear secure and relate to others with warm, trusting ways.”[1]

| !!!  

!!! Comparison of Attachment Styles

  |

| !!!!!!

Both

| !!!!! Secure Attachment Style

  *Self Dimension* ·        I am worthy of love.

·        I am capable of getting the love and support I need.

*Other Dimension* ·        Others are willing and able to love me.

| Ambivalent Attachment Style  *Self Dimension* ·        I am not worthy of love.

·        I am not capable of getting the love I need without being angry and clingy.

*Other Dimension* ·        Others are capable of meeting my nees but might not do so because of my flaws.

·        Others are trustworthy and reliable but might abandonment because of my worthlessness.

| !!!!!! Others

|

| !!!!!! Self

| *Avoidant Attachment Style*  !!!! Self Dimension

 ·        I am worthy of love.

·        I am capable of getting the love and support I need.

*Other Dimension* ·        Others are either unwilling or incapable of loving me.

·        Others are not trustworthy; they are unreliable when it comes to meeting my needs.

| *Disorganized Attachment Style* !!!! Self Dimension

 ·        I am not worthy of love.

·        I am not capable of getting the love I need without being angry and clingy.

*Other Dimension* ·        Others are unable to meet my needs.

·        Others are not trustworthy or reliable.

·        Others are abusive, and I deserve it.[2]

| !!!!!! Neither

|

 

The Loss of a Safe Haven

 

       “As was discussed in chapter 2, attachment relationships form because we, as needy children, seek someone stronger and wiser to protect us from a dangerous world.

One of parents’ fundamental roles is providing a safe haven for their children when they are distressed.

As the children mature, they internalize this safe haven as a feeling, a sense of /felt/ security.”[3]

I taught you this back in 1991, in a series entitled:  “Bonding:  Relationships In The Image Of God.”

This security is also attached to the developmental stages of childhood and bonding.

“As a child stores up memories of being comforted by mother, a relationship of memory is being stored inside.

*/Literally, in a deeply spiritual sense, the child takes the mother in and has her on the inside in memory./*

This leads to a greater and greater sense of security as this attachment is repetitively internalized.

The child gets a storehouse of loving memories upon which to draw in the absence of the mother.

The ‘self-soothing’ system is being formed through the growing internal relationship.

In her absence he can literally have a relationship with the one who loves him.

*/The memory traces must be built up in the bond through thousands of moments of connections/*.

/(This is why the idea of quality time instead of quantity time is a myth for very young children.)/”[4]

“As the relationship gets stronger, the child develops what is known as */emotional object constancy/*.

That is, he can experience himself as loved constantly, even in the absence of the loved one, and he can experience a loving self in relation to an absent loved one.

If you have had warm feelings as you think of a loved one, you know of the riches of this treasured ability.

Perhaps during a time of fear or pain, you thought of the ones who love you and are pulling for you, and you gained a sense of courage and hope.

*/Then you know of the importance of emotional object constancy, which is crucial to life.

/*It allows a two-year-old to play in the yard by himself without panic and the corporate executive to go to work without needing to see his wife by his side throughout the day.

Both have a sense that their emotional ties are secure, and they are not isolated, even if they are alone.”[5]

\\        In a spiritual sense, Jesus was praying for this when He prayed for the Father to be in us and for His love to abide in us.

John 17:26, “And I have made Thy name known to them, and will make it known; *that the love wherewith Thou didst love Me may be in them*, and I in them” (/emphasis mine/).

But, if we have been injured through multiple losses, it will be very difficult to accept God being there, because our attachment style cannot accept healthy love.

All that we know is unhealthy love.

/(All right, let’s get back to Attachments.)/

The felt security that a child feels, when s~/he grows up in a safe haven, “becomes a template for understanding how close relationships work.

The support and and comfort they receive in their safe havens makes them confident they can get the support and comfort they need from other attachment figures—a spouse, close friends.

They know these attachment figures will be available when needed.”

In contrast, children “who have been traumatized by their parents are placed in an awfully tough spot.

Their parents are both the ‘source of and the solution to’ their fear and anxiety.

Which simply means there is no solution, there is no safe haven, no place to go that’s calm and reassuring.

Yet, in their hearts, they know there ought to be.

Parents ought to be the safe haven.

God programmed these children to believe, /They ought to love me/.

/And I should love them, not dread them/.

But no matter what /ought/ to be, there is still no solution for them when anxiety calls.

And beause there isn’t, these children become */disorganized/* and */emotionally fragmented/* during stressful times.”[6]

/“Dissociation As a Solution/

 

Dissociation is the ability to psychologically cleave off thoughts, feelings, and even physical pain, and shift experiences to some other part of the consciousness.

Young children are prone to use dissociation as a way to cope with life’s normal anxieties.

Louis Breger put it this way:  ‘The essence of dissociation…is to be found in the typical ways in which a child meets a conflict he cannot resolve in reality; that is, by splitting himself off from such reality and ‘solving’ conflicts in play or fantasy….Fantasy solutions to conflict involve an abandonment of a direct or ‘real’ solution for a ‘pretend’ or imaginary one.

\\        Later in this chapter, we will outline the types of abuse children suffer.

When children are repeatedly abused, they rely increasingly on dissociation as a way of coping.

Infants and toddlers exhibit dissociation in odd, sometimes contradictory, and often disorganized behaviors, especially when they’re anxious or frightened.”[7]

This is often an omen of the child’s future.

“These children generally grow up to be adults who have difficulty controlling their emotions.”[8]

The Abusive Family:

The Pathway to the Disorganized Attached Style

 

       Here is the important thing:  “…those exposed to the toxic effect of child abuse are often so arrested by fear and so confused by their attachments, particularly their attachment to God, that they’re hardened to the Gospel message or stunted in their ability to grow in three important elements of the Christian life—faith, hope, and love.

Usually this happens not because of a lack of desire, but because of fear—especially fear of trusting those who are expected to be stronger and wiser.

*/We believe this problem, like no other pyschological issue, deeply affects the church and its members/*”[9] (/emphasis mine/).

*/I believe this is one the major impediments to receiving the baptism in the Holy Spirit.

Many people have been so abused and~/or rejected that they cannot simply trust God with this experience./*