Keywords: cover-up, dreams, obedience, stubborn
41:16. “I cannot do it,” Joseph replied to Pharaoh, “but God will give Pharaoh the answer he desires.”
I had a strange dream last night. We were on our way to a church function and it was New Years. Bob wanted to stop at a party for the people who worked for a car dealer. He felt “obligated” to say hello. To me it was dumb; they didn’t give a rip about him or care that we stopped. Bev and Rick were there, Rick grinning, Bev foundering through the snow wearing a man’s suit jacket. We get to the church function and Jim is doing some dumb production about something, maybe preaching styles? The crowd is sparse at first then becomes so crowded that no one can move. Then the alarm rings.
I have no desire to have that dream interpreted. I know in it I’m annoyed at Bob and his blindness to the folly in his value system and annoyed at Jim for grandstanding when he has the attention of so many people.
I went to bed with a question: how do I deal with my emotions about these petty (and not so petty) issues? It is hard, not, it is impossible to respond with affection to someone you don’t respect and how do I respect him? Or is the issue that I don’t respect anyone? That I’m so proud that no one measures up?
I’ve used the past as an excuse for the present, the pain inflicted as an excuse for being so cold or reluctant. But are those the real reasons? Is indignance at sinful behavior just a “nice” way of covering up my own intolerant hard heart?
I’m rambling and incoherent. I really don’t want to think this through. I can’t imagine myself doing/fealing the way I think I ought. I don’t want to either. Yet I know this is not about other people. It is about me, and it is a question for which God has the answer. As soon as, or whenever I decide I want to know, He will tell me.
The Bible exercise tells me to imagine the conflict between the fat cows and the lean cows in my life. I’m abundantly blessed in material things and meaningful work, in talent and opportunities to use it. I’m lean in relationships and emotional expression, not by external famine but by choice.
What am I afraid of? Everyone I’ve ever really let go and cared about betrayed my loyalty and affection by deliberately hurting me in some way. I’m protecting me.
In this story, God said there would be plenty but also famine and that the supply during plenty would carry them through the famine. Does that principle work for the emotions? Or am I using my work and creative opportunities to try and fill in a lean area that God could bless with abundance? Is it even possible or rational to think that everything in my life should have the greatest possible abundance?
(January 25, 2001: retyping this I wonder: isn’t lean and fat part of life? One must relish and enjoy the good and use the blessings of life as sustenance when life is not going so well. As for my personal responses, I can make my life lean or fat by being disobedient and stubborn or by doing what God says. Duh.)
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