Be Mad and Good

In 2012, Emory University stated that less that 50% of voters were angry at the other party’s presidential nominee but it 2016, about 70% were angry with the other party’s nominee.

You find rage every where you go in America these days. Road Rage, Racial Rage, marital rage, vocational rage and financial rage. While in Memphis we had a nut driving a pick up truck want to race us to keep us from getting over and then when I slowed to get behind him was laughing.

Anger is a killer in more ways than one. There are many more killings committed spontaneously in a fit of anger that those committed with premeditation. 1st degree murder is the smallest category of murder.

The same article showed a difference in the way men and women respond to anger. Women were more likely to respond to strain with sadness or depression while men responded with anger. Men were also much more likely to express their anger with physical violence which explains why 90% of murders are committed by men.

Your anger might not cause you to kill someone else, but it might kill you. How many of you liked cartoons when you were little? Some of you still do. What does a cartoon character do when they get mad? They blow up and turn red all over. They might even explode. It’s funny in the cartoons, but not in real life because anger causes all sorts of damage including physical damage.

According to a study by Harvard Medical Center of Public Health, people who have angry outbursts are at an increased risk of stroke or heart attack, especially within the first 2 hours of being angry. They determined that as the level of anger rises, so does the risk of stroke and heart attack. Moderate anger was associated with a 1.7 increase in risk. Mid-range anger was linked to more than twice the risk. Full on rage jumped the risk 4.5 times. Anger levels predicted heart disease in men more accurately than the other health markers like cholesterol. Anger also causes acid to build up in a person’s stomach… it affects the organs.

Now that’s a lot about anger. If you’re here this morning and you’re what I’ll call a victim of anger, that you’ve been on the receiving end of someone’s anger whether it be physical or emotional or mental. I am so sorry for your pain.

What I’ve learned over the years is that those who are victims of anger are very reluctant to come forward and get help and that it takes great, great courage. So one I’d say I’m sorry for your pain and two let us come alongside you and help you in that pain.

One thing I know is that none of us wants to repeat the cycle of anger over and over again.

I have had a lot of experience with anger. I used to have an explosive temper.

Softball Loss and Volley Ball Explosion.

Will rogers once said,

Never fly into a rage, people who do always make a bad landing.

Isn’t that true?

Maybe like me, you have seen how people look at you… not knowing which person is showing up… Dr Jeckyl or Mr Hide. But I’ll bet that I’m not the only one here that’s struggled with anger.

Anger can be be sneaky. Anger, while it’s goes outward to attack somebody else, winds up coming back and attacking you. People who express anger are really very angry people inside. And Anger has a kickback. You want to shoot it out at someone else but it kicks back into your life.

Those of you who have shot a gun before you know that when you shoot a gun it kicks back. Recoil. I’ve seen people with bruises on their arms from it. You shoot the gun and it kicks back. the kid that shot a Musket gun… knocked hi down

Anger can be subtle. People, probably in this room, have been hurt by someone’s anger. Anger has hurt and broken relationships. Some have lost jobs or their careers because of their anger. Man lost his temper and yelled at his boss and quit… his wife corrected his attitude. Some people can’t keep relationships because of how they respond with their anger.

Let’s get real. How many of you here think you need to learn something about handling anger? You are not alone. For those that didn’t raise your hands, there is something CR calls Denial.

All of us need to know how to be mad & good at the same time.

Today, I hope that we will leave with the verse we will study etched in our minds. This verse needs to become a filter in our heart and for our actions.

Ephesians 4:26–27 HCSB

26 Be angry and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and don’t give the Devil an opportunity.

These are the three parts. Be Angry but do not sin. The 2nd part is Don’t let the sun go down on your anger. And the third part is, Don’t give the devil an opportunity.

When Paul was writing this, it wasn’t anything new. He actually quoted Psalm 4:4

Psalm 4:4 HCSB

4 Be angry and do not sin; on your bed, reflect in your heart and be still. Selah

It seems that both Paul and the writer of Psalms are giving us permission to Be angry. Some of you are going thank you God… as you think back on the week… because you were angry this week.

If you never get angry, check the obits because you may actually be dead. We all get angry at some point. I get angry when people cut me off in traffic. I get angry when I see the riots on our campuses… I got angry the first time too back in the 60s and 70s. If you don’t have anger you don’t have passion.

So we don’t need to just learn the first two words of this verse. We have to keep reading because it says, Be Angry but… There are so many verses in the Bible that have a but in them.

This is big. He tells us to “Be Angry but don’t sin.” IOW, be angry but deal with your anger before it gets ugly. Be angry but don’t let the sun go down on your anger. That’s practical. Be angry but don’t give the devil an opportunity. Don’t give the devil an opportunity to use you.

Anger requires a response.

When your response hurts someone else, or even yourself, who wins? The divil. You just gave the devil an opportunity to use you. You anger became sin and when that happens, the devil is glorified.

Paul is trying to warn us so that the devil’s character doesn’t get reproduced through us. That’s what happens when anger becomes sin. It hurts me to think that my anger wounds someone else and the devil wins. The devil’s character being reproduced in us is not God’s plan for our lives.

When we are angry and do not sin, we are reproducing the character of Jesus. Let me give you another verse. It’s James 1:20

James 1:20 NLT

20 Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.

How do these two verses work together?

Paul said, Be angry but don’t sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger and don’t give the devil an opportunity. (because) Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.

That’s pretty clear. When my anger or your anger hurts someone else, that’s not the righteousness that God desires from us.

If we were sitting here talking about our plans for our lives, we would not be planning to be angry. It would be to be an enemy of God. Most of us want to live righteous lives, following God’s purposes for our lives. The righteous life that God desires. To be in right relationship with other humans and to be in right relationship with God. That’s the desires of our heart.

How do we do that? How do we do that when we get angry? What do we do with our anger?

I said earlier that anger requires a response. We can respond in one of two ways. We can respond in a God honoring way or in a way where the enemy wins.

One response to anger is we can delight the devil.

That’s one response… probably not the one we want to do, but it’s one.

When you get irritation, you go to anger… resentment sets in… revenge takes over… and hatred and bitterness take over. We will talk about bitterness soon.

This is when ager become ugly and holds us in bondage. It can become consuming and when it does, it kicks back into our own lives. And it can happen quickly and subtlety.

Let me ask, How do you respond to your anger? If we had a camera following you around … what would the video look like?

Some people explode with rage and yell and scream.

Others implode. They stuff it down thinking this is more mature. This becomes toxic and you will become bitter. But it will come out of you one way or another.

There is a better response than the one that delights the devil.

The best response to our anger is one that delights God.

Let’s look at how our responses can line up with the desires of God and bring honor to him.

1. Don’t deny your anger.

We already know it’s part of being human. It’s a normal emotion.

How many of you were told when you got mad… good boys or good girls don’t get mad? Or some other way your parents would quench you being angry? That’s not good because anger is a normal emotion. What we need to help people with how to express that anger in an appropriate manner.

Don’t spiritualize your anger.

This one makes me sick. Christians think it’s spiritual to lie and say they never get angry. Everyone gets angry, even Jesus got angry.

Don’t broadcast your anger.

Don’t tell everyone you are angry. Don’t post it on social media. When you do, you usually say something you wish you had not said. You may be so angry you could scream… that’s good. Go scream but don’t bring other people into your stupidity. Don’t proclaim your anger.

When you broadcast your anger, what is your motive? The only motive when you broadcast your anger is to create fear in someone… to threaten someone. When you do that, the enemy wins, not you and certainly not God.

It’s at this point, between deny and delay, you have to make a choice. Anger requires a response. You can choose peace or pain.

Don’t deny it, but

2. You need to delay your anger response.

This requires some maturity. This is when we need to stop and cool down. You may need to change your environment.

One research showed that when men change their environment they like to get in their cars and drive. Think about that… angry men driving around. That may explain a lot of road rage.

Ladies tend to withdraw and eat.

Here is the point. Delay your response. However you do that is up to you as long as it doesn’t lead to sin.

When we don’t delay our response, that’s when it leads to hurting people and it becomes sin.

Sometimes we mean to delay our response and we change environments. While we are riding or doing whatever, we are thinking about what just happened. We start thinking about what sarcastic and mean spirited things we are going to say. Then we start the conspiracy theories where we think everyone is out to get us. And when we get back with the person we are like a drunken cowboy shooting everyone.

Or some of you when you get away, there is an innocent bystander there and we take it out on them. Maybe it’s a co-worker and they are going… what? I was just here breathing and not doing anything.

This step of delay requires patience. If you are a Christian, then the Holy Spirit lives in you and he is working the fruit fo the Spirit in you. One of the fruits is patience. The Holy Spirit will cause you to respond with patience. We need to realize who is the lord of our life and draw on God’s strength and patience.

Proverbs 16:32 NCV

32 Patience is better than strength. Controlling your temper is better than capturing a city.

A lot of us want to be strong, but the Bible says that patience is better than strength. Learn to delay your reaction and then you can proceed.

Maybe you need to learn some phrases that will help. When you get angry, think, “I could be wrong.” That will help you delay. Here is another one. “Maybe there is another side to the story.”

Maybe some of you need to start off saying, “I am wrong.” Whatever you can do to help you delay until you cool off.

So when your thermostat is going up and your anger is rising, don’t deny it, but delay it.

Give an example

3. You need to define your anger.

Anger is not a primary emotion. It’s a secondary emotion. Anger is a response. What you first feel is hurt, frustration or fear. When you internalize it, it comes out as anger.

Anger is on the surface, but there is always something under it. So ask yourself, why am I really angry? What is causing me to feel angry? If you can’t think of it, ask God…

Psalm 139:23–24 NLT

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Ask God and he will show you.

We need to get this part. If we don’t ask these questions, you will live in denial. You will blame others for your anger and you will live a victim’s life. That’s what most people do. We just react and hurt others and ourselves. So today, I am asking you not to react but to reflect.

Don’t react but reflect.

When you reflect, you are able to respond. Let’s get practical.

Today after church you’re with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Those of you who are single. They give you that famous line, “I love you but I don’t want to ruin our friendship.” (Me and Susan) And “It’s not about you, it’s about me.” And they break up with you. And you are angry. You’re flat out ticked off. That’s the scenario. You got the, Let’s-just-be-friends line.

Are you hurt, frustrated of afraid? Primarily you are hurt.

You’re going out to dinner tonight. You’ve been invited to a friend’s house who’s a great cook. They put on a great dinner. If you’re married you’re going with your spouse. If you’re single you’re going with a date. You are in the car, ready to go. The dinner starts at seven o’clock. It’s six forty-five and it’s going to take fifteen minutes to get there. You’re ready to go. You’re honking. The car’s going. You’re getting tense. Your spouse or roommate is late because it takes her fifteen hours to put on their eyeliner. By the time they actually make it out to the car you’ve missed the first three courses. You’re totally ticked. Anger is on the surface. You haven’t even left the driveway yet.

Are you hurt, frustrated, or fearful? Frustrated.

Say your wife wakes you up in the middle of the night saying she heard something in another part of the house. You think, she has to stop watching crime dramas… But then she goes, go check it out. Think about it. What good are you going to do in your underwear, your phone and a plunger from the bathroom? You are thinking, where in our wedding vows did it say, I have to confront burglars.

Hurt, frustration, or fear? Fear. Absolutely

If you are giving a presentation, you don’t want to be embarrassed do you. What is embarrassment cousin to… Fear.

After you define your anger

4. You need to diffuse your anger.

When you diffuse your anger it basically means you deal with so that you don’t explode. You handle it in a God honoring way.

You don’t send the first draft of that text or email.

You don’t hit send on social media post.

Even when you are right, you do not need to fight every time. Sometimes we need to speak the truth, but sometimes we need to keep our mouths shut. Diffusing is seeking relational peace so that I don’t give the devil an opportunity to win.

This is what Paul meant when he said, Don’t let the sun on down on your anger. He is saying to deal with it. Diffuse it.

I think for us today, Paul is not saying literally don’t let the sun go down on your anger. He is saying to deal with it as soon as possible. What if you get mad at 7:15… just before it gets dark?

The Biblical principle is deal with is as soon as possible.

When you defuse it’s where you communicate clearly and fairly in terms that you can define and that are helpful.

Now that you have defined that your anger as being hurt, being frustrated of being afraid, you can say something like…

“I want to let you know I was really hurt by that situation. And that hurt triggered this anger. I just want to talk about it and diffuse it so that if we can avoid that hurt again, that would be a great, great thing.”

Use those terms instead of terms like, “You make me mad!”

That doesn’t do any good at all. It just makes things worse. It puts people on the defensive.

Proverbs 15:1 NCV

1 A gentle answer will calm a person’s anger, but an unkind answer will cause more anger.

Calm the conversation. James 1:19

James 1:19 NLT

19 Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.

James adds this to our conversation. We need to listen and to be slow to speak and even slower to become angry.

Another thing we can do to diffuse our anger is …

5. Deliver your anger to God.

This is where you are honest with God about how you really feel and about your hurt, frustration or fears. Be honest with him. But then tell him that you need his help to respond the way he wants. Part of that is you have to…

Release your rights towards the other person.

IOW, forgive the person who hurt you.

Colossians 3:13 NLT

13 Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

Confess that the anger you are harboring is sin. Give your desire for revenge to God. Refuse to hold on to hurts from the past.

Pray for God to work in the offender’s life and to change your heart towards that person. Release that person who has hurt you into God’s hands. Forgive as God forgave you.

Replace you anger with peace.

Hebrews 12:14 NLT

14 Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord.

We not only have to release our rights to be angry, but we have to replace that anger with God’s peace. Hebrews tells us that we are to work at living at peace with others. To do this, you have to spend time with God… in his word, in worship, in prayer and fellowship with other Christians.

Can you imagine what your life might look like if when you got angry you choose to delight God instead of the enemy?

Can you imagine what your relationships might look like?

Those of you who are single can you imagine that environment when you’re interacting with friends or those you are dating, can you imagine if you always weren’t the temper tantrum person?

Those of you who are married, can you imagine what this might do for the intimacy in your marriage.

The bond with your children would be so much deeper.

Your friendships might thrive. It’d be different in the marketplace and how you deal with your coworkers and the world. It would change everything.

I can imagine the people of River Church living in peace like this because we have learned to deal with our anger. Maybe someone goes, I knew you a couple of years ago and you were the temper tantrum king or queen. But you are different now. What happened? What is the source of your peace?

I can see it in your friends who when you encounter them, and they see a different you when you encounter hurt, frustration or fear and respond differently. They will go what happened? You are different.

When your anger is triggered don’t do what you’ve normally done that hasn’t worked. Don’t shoot others and recoil that anger back in your life.

Your anger requires a response. You can choose pain or you can choose peace. I choose peace. And I know you want to choose peace as well.

Prayer -

Lord we need your Word to come alive in our lives and help us to not sin in our anger. We don’t want to give the devil an opportunity to influence us in any way. But we know that in our own power we can’t win over our anger. So we ask you for your strength.