Truth and Lies For Men

Borden Scott

Truth and Trust • Sermon • Submitted a year ago • Presented a year ago

Romans 12:9–13

Truth

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There are many myths and lies about men and father's that do great harm today.

Notes

Transcript

Sermon: “Growing Past The Lies” – Borden

We have been working on a series about truth and trust this month, and I began by laying out a bit of a case for why truth and trust are in some trouble.

Truth is struggling in an age of media that is politically segregated and social media that is a rapid-fire delivery system for half-truths and misinformation. And when truth is struggling trust usually doesn’t do well either. People have less and less confidence in the systems and structures we all rely on, as well as reporting less trust in each other.

I fear that’s a recipe for dysfunction and despair. And it’s my conviction that any solution begins with us being people who demonstrate that we hold trust and trustworthiness as being very important, and recognize that they are a necessary part of our faith in Jesus Christ.

But it doesn’t always easily. Last Sunday Erica took us through a passage where Jesus talked about being children of God or belonging to “the Father of lies.” That passage highlighted just how good people are at self-deception. Many of Jesus’ opponents were sure that they belonged to God because of their ancestry without realizing that their selfish and violent actions demonstrated that they were more influenced by the Devil than by God.

Human beings have an incredible capacity to lie to themselves. When we aren’t acting the way we should according to what we say we believe anyone can invent all kinds of justifications for those actions instead of humbling themselves and having the courage to say “I’m wrong. I’ve left the good path and I need to get back on it.” That’s repentance, and it used to be very important to Christians. But I think we’ve become less comfortable with it.

Today, for Father’s Day, I want to dig into some truths and lies that affect men, in particular. Now I’ll give the same disclaimer that I’ve given before, which is that when the Bible says that men should do a certain thing or a be a certain way, these principles tend to apply to women as well. The Ten Commandments, for example, saying “Thou shalt not covet they neighbour’s wife” but this is not a free pass for women to covet their neighbour’s husbands!

The Christian virtues, the fruit of the Spirit, and the qualities that come with being a disciple of Jesus are not, in my view, gendered. Men and women, however, are not the same. We were created by God with differences in our inclinations and capabilities. There’s a broad spectrum with lots of overlap, but as I read my Bible and look at the world I see that God values difference and created distinctions between the sexes which allow us to benefit from each other’s insights and abilities when we treat each other with the love God calls us to.

That part is key – love. Not sappy, corny, Hallmark movie love but the steadfast, self-sacrificing, life and world-changing love we see in Christ Jesus. The love that, as we read in 1stCorinthians 13, is patient, kind, not jealous or proud or rude or demanding or irritable and which never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. This is love which does not take pleasure at injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.

That’s a line I’m not sure people notice as much as the rest of 1st Corinthians 13: Love rejoices in the truth!

And here’s a truth I hope is uncontroversial: when either men or women are doing poorly, it’s ultimately bad for everyone. I think that’s uncontroversial when it comes to women. There’s still lots of work to do but I think our culture is sold on the value of better protecting, encouraging, supporting, and celebrating women after so many generations of inequality and injustice.

But it might actually be controversial, at least in some circles, to say that we also need to do a better job of loving and lifting up men today. But we do. Not in a way that takes anything away from women, but in a way that allows men to thrive where many of them are struggling to do so.

If you say that men are having a hard time today you might get laughed out of the room. Men run the world, don’t they? But that’s a half-truth. A small number of hyper-successful men do run a lot of the world. At the very top of government, business, and most other institutions men still hold most of the influence. But that’s a tiny number of people.

For the much larger number of men, especially younger men today, things can be very challenging. There’s a growing gap in education, where boys significantly underperform girls in school and where women are increasingly outnumbering men in colleges and universities.

At the same time many of the jobs that men without more education used to be able to make careers out of don’t look like very good bets anymore – things like manufacturing and transportation which automation and AI will continue to transform. Men are dropping out of the workforce at a rate that concerns a lot of economists and sociologists, and nobody is entirely sure why it’s happening.

Men are also faring the worst in what one researcher called “a crisis of connection.” In the United States, at least, men in their 20s today are much more likely than women to be romantically uninvolved, friendless and lonely. “They stand at the vanguard of an epidemic of declining marriage, sexuality, and relationships”. And it’s getting worse.

Are there entitled men out there who need to adapt to a changing world instead of getting mad the that things everyone else struggles to get aren’t being handed to them anymore? Sure. And shame on the ones who take that anger out one women, in particular.

But there are many others who are trying to live as decent men and just aren’t seeing a way forward in life, work or relationships. They’re stuck, and our world doesn’t have much sympathy for men who don’t succeed. Men aren’t supposed to need help or be burdens.

I don’t know that anybody understands the full extent of all of this and where it’s going to lead, but its worrisome. But since none of us have our hands on any of the big levers of power it wouldn’t make much sense for me to talk about reforming the education system or the way the working world functions.

There is, however, one thing, one very important thing, that the Church should offer to men today, and that is some truth. Truth to counter lies that leave some men feeling unwanted or discouraged. And truth to give a positive vision of what men can be, God helping them.

Here’s a lie: masculinity is toxic. This isn’t what most people mean when they use the relatively new term “toxic masculinity”. That’s supposed to refer to harmful behaviors like trying to dominate others, extreme risk-taking, and violence. And this certainly exists – there are too many men who continue to do tremendous harm to themselves and others by practicing these behaviors– it is men who commits nearly all the murders and sexual assaults, for a start.

But there are also voices claiming that any traditionally masculine trait is toxic, like being competitive, aggressive, or self-reliant. And that message is getting through to men, who are left thinking the world considers them toxic simply for being men.

As a Christian I don’t think it should matter what “traditional” cultural ideas about masculinity are or what different people or political groups think of them today.

That’s an ever-changing and impossible standard that isn’t worth your time. What matters is how God made you, and who he calls you to be.

And it’s a good thing, for example, that we have, aggressive, competitive, risk-takers around us.

Some of you might have read one of the news stories about the wildfire in Tantallon that told the tale of two Halifax firefighters who got a call about a resident who might not know to evacuate. They drove to the home of an older man with dementia to check on him. The flames were close and the smoke was so thick it took them several tries to find the right address.

When they got up the driveway they found the house with fire on all sides. One of the firefighters found the house locked, kicked the door in, and saw the man sitting in a chair in the living room unaware of the danger. The firefighters got him into the fire truck. The way out was even harder than the way in, including driving through a wall of flame at one point. The fire captain in charge of the truck was quoted as saying that it was the first time in over twenty years on the job that he had real doubts about getting home safely. But they made it out and returned the man to his grateful family at an evacuation centre. And, of course, they wouldn’t dream of being called heroes. They were just doing their job!

There are female firefighters who would have done exactly the same thing without hesitation, it happens that it was two men in this case. But if we ever get to a place of total equality among the sexes you’re still going to have a healthy majority of men doing the most physically dangerous and demanding jobs for a number of reasons. We shouldn’t be making anyone think that the qualities that make many men well suited to these things are somehow “toxic.” We should commend these qualities, including when they are found in rambunctious boys, and give men opportunities to use them for a good purpose.

At the same time, we shouldn’t hold up “macho” traits as the definition of what is “masculine.” That’s another other lie many men struggle with. “You’re not a real man if you’re not fit enough, tall enough, don’t make enough money, don’t dress well enough, don’t know how to easily pick up women…”

Just his week a post popped up in my social media – one that someone had paid to promote, that said:

A man must LIFT

A man must FAST

A man must FOCUS

A man must CREATE

These are non-negotiables for men.

Non-negotiables. Apparently there are no real men who don’t lift weights and fast! And apparently there’s money to be made by announcing that men who don’t do these things aren’t good enough. Enough of this junk. Instead listen to Galatians 6:4:

“Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else.”

There’s nothing wrong with fitness or income or dressing well, but these external things miss what matters most – character and purpose. We need a confident sense of who we are and a mission that we can accomplish here in this world. And the good news is that any man can gain these things.

The Bible offers us some incredible help in this respect. It shows us how the only perfect man ever lived! You’ve got the words and actions of Jesus at your fingertips, there’s no need to wonder what it looks like to live well in this world and make a difference in the lives of others for having been here!

What we see in Jesus exposes many lies about men, because He was so complete, so fully human. Jesus warmly welcomed children and was the kind of person they wanted to be around. Jesus wept after the death of his friend, Lazarus, and shared in the grief of Lazarus’ family. He was a magnet for broken people who sensed his compassion. He was tender, fully in touch with his emotions, and had a big heart.

And Jesus was also wildly courageous. He came to the defense of people being abused and oppressed and didn’t back down in the face of powerful people who wanted to kill Him for it. He was offered the chance to rule the world, politically, and turned down Satan’s temptation so that He could continue on toward the cross and give His life for us all. On that cross He asked God to forgive the people who were insulting and killing Him.

Jesus became the most famous and influential person in human history, which is what we might expect the Son of God and the only perfect man to do! And in order to do it Jesus depended on his connection to God. He was disciplined in his study of scripture, times of prayer and retreat, and his willingness to do what He knew God wanted Him to do, not matter what.

It's all there – what more do you need to know about what we should strive to be, or what it looks like to live well as a human being in this world?

But you don’t become like Jesus by just wanting to become like Jesus. And you don’t even become like Jesus by reading your Bible and praying, although you’re choosing not to get very far if you ignore those things. Part of becoming like Jesus is taking up the mission that He give us and obeying His commands. I picked one small section from the book of Romans with some marching orders that I thought were worth a look today:

Romans 12:9–21 NIV

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

One scholar writes that this bit of the Bible is a concise description of the basics of effective Christian living – a lot of what we are called to be is found in just these few verses.

It’s starts with sincere love, which we already touched on. Be devoted to each other in love. Honour one another.

There are practical, ethical commands here: Share with those in need. Practice hospitality. Live in harmony with one another. Don’t think of yourself as superior to anyone. Don’t take revenge, trading wrong for wrong. Do good even to your enemies and let God hold them to account.

There is no suggestion that this will be easy. Be patient in affliction. Bless those who persecute you. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Do not be overcome by evil. We’re going to face hard things, unfair thing, and even evil things.

Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

There’s evil out there. And there’s evil in here.

There’s evil in the world that needs to be opposed – crime, abuse, oppression. And there’s evil that is after you – trying to keep you from being the person you were created to be, trying to rob you of character and purpose.

There’s evil lying to you, telling you that you’re not good enough, that you don’t matter, or that you don’t have something to offer that this world needs.

Some of those lies extend to fathers. There are many myths about Dads that just refuse to die – zombie ideas that people continue to carry with them. Myths like:

· Dad’s don’t do their fair share and aren’t as aren’t as necessary as moms

· Dads are the bumbling side-kicks who have to told what to do and will probably mess it up

· Dads are less capable of being compassionate or communicating

On the whole these just aren’t true.

For one thing, both mothers and fathers are capable of forming equally strong bonds with infants and children if they are fully engaged in caring for a child. The effect of moms and dads isn’t the same, but they can be equally important.

For another thing, fathers today, again, on the whole, spend nearly as much time with their kids as mothers despite working about 90 minutes more per day when both parents are employed. When asked, most fathers say that they wish they could cut back on work to spend more time with their kids and family, but that can be hard to do in our culture.

It’s assumed that women are the primary care-givers and, especially in male-dominated types of work, there don’t tend to be programs or allowances or options to give men more flexibility in this area.

That’s a costly mistake to be making, because children who feel a closeness to their father are:

· twice as likely to enter college or find stable employment after high school

· 75% less likely to have a teen birth

· 80% less likely to spend time in jail

· and half as likely to experience symptoms of depression.

There’s a crisis of mental health and emotional well-being among kids and teens today. We hear a lot about the need for more medical and government supports and services, and that need is real, but there’s no government or medical intervention that comes close to being as effective as these kids and youth having a loving and involved father.

The zombie myths have to go. Dads can be as connected and as important to raising their kids from the day their born onward. Dads can be just as skilled as caring for their kids and seem to have a particular ability to inspire them toward self-confidence and success in school and work later in life. Most Dads are putting in that effort and trying to be involved partners. And that matters, so much.

Here's a video for Father’s Day – brace yourselves, it’s pretty suspenseful:

[Video – “You Don’t Have To Save The World”]

The myths and lies working against men need to go, making way for the truths that we need.

Like the truth that men of all types are needed in this world – whether or not you lift or fast. God made you with interests and abilities that can be put to good use in ways that matter.

Or the truth that fathers who show up matter – the difference they make is incalculable. Today we thank and honour those Fathers who are committed to loving the people who are their world.

Or the truth that serving others matters. Not every man will be a father, but every man can be a friend in this connection crisis we find ourselves in – someone who is steadfast and encouraging and there when they’re needed. Or how about the coaches, the brothers, the uncles, the Sunday school teachers, the community volunteers, and the good neighbours that any man can be?

But it takes more than wanting to get this right. The world around you will try to trip you up. There are things within you that will hold you back and put what you care about at risk.

There really is a fight against evil happening, but some people don’t realize that the battles often look like getting control of your anger in hard conversations, remaining gentle when you’re running out of patience, hanging on to hope on darker days, or saying what’s true and doing what’s right when you know it will cost you something.

Doing that consistently takes doing the things Jesus did to draw on strength and guidance from God. Prayer. Wisdom from the Bible. Community with His closest faithful friends. Time alone. Time in nature. We need that – we need it in order to be the people we were created to be, and the people this world needs us to be.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to each other in love. Honour one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud or conceited. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

That, I believe, is some truth that’s needed in a world spinning all kinds of lies. I hope it helps you in some way, challenges you if you need it, or reassures you if this world was getting you down. Let me pray for us:

Heavenly Father, I come before you asking that you would help us to see our weakness so that we can learn to depend on you for strength. I ask you to help us see our value – the value that comes from you, are creator, who has given us ways to bless this world. Shield us from any dies or discouragement – any evil ideas or myths that can wound the soul. Show each one here the way that they can offer others the good that you have placed within them, as good neighbours, community leaders, coaches, teachers, family members and church members.

And give strength and patience to our fathers. On the exhausting and stressful days please remind them of all they have that’s so precious. In the loud and crazy moments help them to set an example they’ll be proud to see their children follow. Help them to persevere in love and prayer when their children seem to be going astray. And when they make mistakes and turn to you may they receive your grace and remember that there are no perfect fathers in this world, but it is world-changing to have a father who gives his all.

In the name of Jesus, whose example we look to, and the Holy Spirit, whose guidance and power we need each day, Amen.