This pastor joke might offend just about everyone!
At a recent pastor’s retreat each minister in attendance was asked the following question: “How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?” The answers were as follows.
A Presbyterian Pastor responded, “None. If God wants the bulb screwed in he is sovereign and will do it himself without human effort.”
A Charismatic Pastor replied, “None. The bulb doesn’t need to be changed. We should pray that it be healed.”
A Pentecostal Pastor said, “None. We simply need to cast out from the bulb the demon of darkness.”
The Fundamentalist Pastor stated, “None. We shouldn’t even enter the room because we need to keep ourselves separate from all darkness.”
A Baptist Pastor responded, “None. If we allow physical contact between a person and the bulb it might lead to dancing.”
The Wesleyan Minister replied, “None. If we just show the bulb its need, it already possesses the power to screw itself in.”
A Non-Denominational Pastor said, “None. We don’t want to make the bulb feel unwanted or uncomfortable.”
This poll provides one clear conclusion: it’s no wonder pastors are always in the dark.
Who shot the deer?
Three friends decided to go deer hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the other a preacher.
As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them shot simultaneously. Immediately the buck dropped to the ground and all three rushed up to see how big it actually was.
Upon reaching it they found out that it was dead but had only one bullet hole. Thus a debate followed concerning whose buck it was.
A few minutes later a game officer came by and asked what the problem was. The doctor told him their reason for the debate. The officer told them he would take a look and tell them who shot it.
Within a few seconds the game officer said with much confidence, "The pastor shot the buck!"
They all wondered how he knew that so quickly.
The officer said, "Easy. The bullet went in one ear and out the other."
My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read,
"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
This pastor joke reminds us to know whose listening when we talk.
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
Goat for Dinner
A young couple invited their elderly preacher for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"
Being a pastor is the best thing I’ve ever hated
and the worst thing I’ve ever loved.
I’ve never heard a pastor use those exact words … but I have heard many say exactly that.
Most ministers I talk to enjoy being pastors. They don’t want to do anything else … anywhere else. But they are also a little frustrated, sometimes disheartened, often lonely, occasionally uncertain, and frequently dissatisfied with their own efforts and abilities.
We live in an age of entertainment: movies, television, radio, and sports. The entertainers in each of those arenas know that they either produce success or they will be fired: create a TV hit or lose your job; put together a winning team or coach somewhere else.
The business world functions the same way: increase profits or look for a different job.
In fact, one of our fundamental values as "modern" humans is, "Contribute to success or someone else will take your place."
We also take that value to church with us. It is ingrained in your heart and mine. It is also ingrained in the heart of your Christian pastor.
As a result, congregations – often without knowing it or intending to – pressure their ministers to produce success … a success generally measured by attendance numbers.
The pressure from the congregation, however, is minor compared with the pressure he puts on himself.
At times he feels like a hypocrite when he preaches against sin because he knows that sin is still a dominating influence in his own life.
He frequently compares his “success” with that of the church across town, and feels he doesn’t measure up.
Some Sundays he looks into your eyes and imagines what you think about him. And his conclusions aren’t usually very positive.
It is for these, and many other, reasons that your Christian pastor needs you. He needs your encouragement, your appreciation, your partnership, and your prayer.
Your ministry doesn’t have to be big and full of fanfare to be effective. When it comes to ministering to your pastor the only effort that is too small is no effort at all.
We your church family and friends deeply appreciate the special things you do during the year – from visiting hospitals and nursing homes, and conducting weddings and funerals, to preparing and preaching messages, and presiding at board and committee meetings. And, of course, we remain greatly affected by the little things you do – like bending down to eye level to make time for our children, and the prayers you breathe to Heaven when no one else is around.
We are thankful for the messages that are brought to us as the Lord speaks through you. We love that you are humble, yet Firm, and uncompromising to the word of the Lord. We hope that our prayers and participation, will help you continue on your course of good works.
You are a blessing, and may God continue to richly bless you.
It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God's pe ople for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up.