Sermon Tone Analysis
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Living the Dream, Oneness vs Isolation (Session 1, 2016)
What was it that first attracted you to your spouse?
Why did you fall in love with each other?
sense of humor
intelligence
charm
honesty
confidence
understanding
fine looks
reliability
diligence
friendliness
sex appeal
athleticism
caring heart
Take a moment to identify a few things that originally attracted you to your spouse.
Now, think back to even before you met your spouse.
What were your original dreams for marriage?
Look at the screen and write down a few words that represent some of the expectations, hopes and desires you had for marriage.
(have them write answers on their notes page)
Compare your answers with your spouse.
Were your dreams all fulfilled?
At what point in your marriage did it dawn on you that things weren’t going to be exactly like you dreamed of?
— The honeymoon story (vaginismus) — Our dream hit the wall of reality and came crashing down.
God has a dream for us to…
Oneness vs Isolation
We long to experience oneness but we find it easy to drift towards isolation.
No marriage is static.
Take a moment to identify and write down what aspects of oneness you feel are present in your marriage, and what aspects of isolation you experience.
What Causes the drift toward isolation?
Over time, it can feel like your spouse has “changed” from the person you married.
One of the problems is that we want marriage to be about “me”—my expectations, my hopes, my dreams, my needs—and our spouse doesn’t always cooperate.
We say “for better or worse” but we are rarely prepared for or know how to handle the “worse.”
—> Has your marriage experienced any of these “worse” things?
wayward kids
depression
family drama
loss of a job
trust issues
lust
role conflicts
dealing with a former spouse
personal baggage from the past
50/50 contract relationship
sexual expectations that don’t align
money fights
health problems or sickness
Affairs in any form
Business and exhaustion
Blended family challenges
Death of a child or premature death of a closely knit parent
Your marriage is naturally moving toward a state of isolation.
Unless you lovingly and energetically nurture your marriage, you will begin to drift away from your spouse.
Identify your position on the sliding scale of oneness and mark it down in your notes.
Indicate the features that make you feel this way.
No marriage is static.
You may find that you move back and forth on this scale.
You can be at a different spot from your spouse
You may feel stuck, but there is always hope to move toward oneness.
“In Every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce.
The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.”
~ Robert Anderson
There is always hope for a marriage when there is a willingness to pursue oneness.
Threats to a Marriage
Threat 1: difficult adjustments
our culture doesn’t prepare us for the challenges we face when two people bind their lives together.
Adjustments in finances, values, lifestyles, relationships and more.
This is especially a challenge when the reason for marriage is purely emotional, sexual attraction, outside pressures, or a desire to escape the circumstance you were in.
Threat 2: our culture’s pattern
our culture has a performance based relationship model where each partner contributes 50%.
This entitlement model says that I am entitled to your money, your body, your services in exchange for my share of the same.
This model is self-destructive because no one is able to meet the unrealistic (and often uncommunicated) expectations of their spouse.
And even if they could, there is no way to determine if your spouse is meeting you halfway.
Threat 3: inevitable difficulties
life happens.
the question is, how do you respond to difficulties?
suppressing them, blaming others for them, overanalyzing them, lashing out because of them, denying them or trying to escape them are the most common, and unhealthy, responses.
Threat 4: extramarital affairs
an affair is usually an escape from reality or a search for fulfillment outside of the marriage.
They can include an activity, materialism, career, family, fantasy (romance books or pornography), or a love affair.
We are seduced by our culture into believing that we deserve complete fulfillment and perfect happiness, which pushes us to seek out happiness and fulfillment elsewhere when those expectations are met in our marriage.
What kind of affair is most tempting to you—an activity, materialism (pursuit of money or possessions), work recognition, clinging to closely to family, fantasy, or a love affair?
Threat 5: selfishness
We are naturally self-centered, and our culture promotes a self-centered mindset.
Selfishness robs a relationship of romance.
Selfishness is not about me wanting to live life my own way—it’s about me wanting YOU to live life my way.
Our selfish nature seeks to justify our rejection of our spouse When they fail to meet our expectations.
Make it personal: on the back of your notes page, circle the threat that has had the biggest impact on your marriage.
Then rate how much each of these threats has effected your marriage, and write down what challenges you’ve faced as a result.
Let’s Talk, Cliché vs Transparency (session 2, 2016)
Unexpressed expectations
One of the most impactful things in a marriage is when your spouse doesn’t meet an expectation you have of them.
How can they meet an expectation that you’ve never shared?
The goal of communication is to build oneness by sharing who you are.
Level 1 — Cliché: non-sharing
Level 2 — Fact: sharing what you know
Level 3 — Opinion: sharing what you think
Level 4 — Emotion: sharing what you feel
Level 5 — Transparency: sharing who you are
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